love and kindness

The last week has been rough. The fall-out from the shooting in FL has continued longer than other shootings and for that, I am strangely grateful. Perhaps if we keep up the pressure THIS will be the beginning of a change. I have been completely blown away by (but not surprised) by the power of the teenagers who have been mobilized. Articulate, smart, passionate and powerful. These are our future leaders. They are the reason that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how much despair I feel at the state of our country, I have hope.

The last few days have seen growing numbers of adults, gun owners and others, who are standing up and saying enough. Events have been planned - walkouts, vigils, marches. Phone calls are being made and postcards are being sent. November 2018 is around the corner and legislators who are in the pocket of the NRA should be quaking in their boots. Change is coming. We are waking up, standing tall and demanding that those we elected to serve us actually start to listen.

At the same time all this is going on, we have seen the 50th anniversary of the first American broadcast of Mr. Rogers. With that have been interviews, video clips, photos, remembrances. I grew up with Mr. Rogers. My children watched Mr. Rogers. My niece and nephew watch Daniel Tiger (a sweet show inspired by Mr. Rogers). Mr. Rogers was about love and kindness. Caring for your friends and yourself. Being kind to all. His gentleness and routine were soothing. We all need a little more "Mr. Rogers" in our life. There is so much hate and anger. Bitterness and suspicion are everywhere. Being cynical and world weary is normal while being innocent and hopeful is naive.

It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done. There is only so much money to donate, time to volunteer and resources to give. The number of causes can paralyze you. Where to focus?? Gun Violence? Immigrants? Women? People of Color? Education? Environment? It all seems to be too much.

We have to start with love and kindness. We need to listen and be open. We need to love people into doing what we want. The more we all dig our heels in and get angry and call names, the easier it is for the other side to turn away. People who preach hate and fear were once children who wanted to be loved. They are damaged. As hard as it might be, having conversations with those on the other side of the table through eyes of love just might allow those conversations to be more productive.

If each one of us were to wake up each day and move forward with the idea that love and kindness is on the agenda imagine the change. People are lonely and overwhelmed. They are fearful and hurt. We do not know the burdens that others carry, the wounds they are hiding. The smallest moments can make a difference. A smile, a hello, an acknowledgement. A handshake, a hug, and pat on the back. Looking someone in the eye and really seeing them - putting down our devices and really listening.

We have to rebuild our community - for so many reasons we have allowed ourselves to build walls around us that keep us from connecting with others.

Over the years, I've heard jokes about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and "won't you be my neighbor?" It can seem so simplistic and naive. Can it really be so simple? Love your neighbor. Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Be kind to everyone. Mr. Rogers continues to teach us everyday. There is a reason that 50 years later, a 3 minute video clip can bring many of us to tears. He's right. Regardless of what happens with gun control, one thing we can all do right now is stop fearing our neighbors and start loving them. All of them. People who are connected to friends and neighbors are less likely to hurt themselves or others. People who are connected are more likely to be identified by those who love them if there are concerns.

WE are responsible for each other. WE are called to care for each other. WE must do better.

love and kindness.

again

i have no words. one more time we have allowed horror to visit the halls of a school. over and over and over we hear that this is the price of freedom. over and over and over we hear that this is not the time to talk about gun control. we hear our leaders say "our thoughts and prayers" and then go back to their scheming. those leaders who try to do more are silenced.

our children learn by watching us. they learn more from our actions than our words. the actions they have seen since columbine is that we are helpless - there is nothing we can do to stop the carnage. we are failing our most important natural resource. they are learning that no one cares and that there is nothing they can do but run and hide.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? The rest of the civilized world has figure this out. We keep talking and sharing posts filled with statistics and the people who could actually do anything about it share thoughts and prayers and then go back to their offices to figure out how to take away more of the resources needed to help feed and care for people in need.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? God is looking at us and hearing our prayers and wondering why we aren't listening to his words. LOVE your neighbor. FEED the hungry. CARE for the sick and hurting.

WE are the hands of God. WE are the ones who can make change. WE must stop wringing our hands and making excuses.

Common Sense Gun Control. Universal Health Care including coverage for Mental Health. Electing leaders who are NOT in the pockets of the NRA and Big Pharma.

There is nothing free about living in a country where at any time and in any place, someone can mow down innocents going about their life. THIS is not freedom.

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

Welcome to the world of crazy.

I want to write about all the High School and College Graduates we know who we are so proud of.  I want to send them out into the world with wishes for a long and amazing life.  Children, nieces, nephews, friends, a daughter from another mother.... On and on... They are AMAZING.  They are capable of great things.  They better be ready because we are launching them into a crazy world full of hate and violence, selfishness and pain.

This morning as I watched the news, the shooting in South Carolina is all over the place.  The emphasis of the story is on the vigils, and the community coming together to pray, the clear indication that this was a HATE crime.  A young man filled with so much hate that he sat with a group of people in a church for an hour and then slaughtered them.  So many prayers.  Some asking how can God let this happen.  God didn't let this happen.  I'm pretty certain SHE is weeping and despairing that we can't seem to get our act together.  We are responsible.  All of us.  We live in a world that separates us from each other by our differences.  Babies are born ready to love anyone.  We teach them who is the "other."

The attention is on the victims. The media is trying to take the focus away from the baby-faced killer and I think that's good.  We need to know the victims so we can truly mourn them.  Maybe then we will get off our fucking asses and CHANGE THINGS.  I know my parents read this and I apologize for my language, but I am so angry right now and no other words suffice.

There will be calls for more attention to mental health and to racism and hate and all this is good.  These are discussions that need to happen and changes need to be made.  Perhaps more attention will be on how children are loved and nurtured from day one.  Maybe there will be talk of communities pulling together to create stronger villages so children who are suffering, struggling, or being raised in hateful circumstances will be identified and supported before they become hateful killers.

THESE ARE ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT NEED TO BE HAD.

What will be touched on and then swept away however, will be talk of guns. This is where I can't stand it anymore.  What the hell is wrong with this country that despite shooting after shooting, horror after horror, we STILL CAN'T ADDRESS THE OBSCENE NUMBER OF GUNS AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY.  I'm not even talking about reasonable guns for hunting.  I'm talking about guns designed for the sole purpose of killing PEOPLE.  We've done this to ourselves and it will continue until those in positions of power at the local, state and federal level stop bowing down to the special interest groups and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  There are weapons that simply shouldn't be available to anyone.  There are weapons that should be restricted.  IF GUNS ARE NOT AVAILABLE, THEY CAN'T BE USED TO KILL PEOPLE.

But wait, guns don't kill people, people kill people.  FUCK THAT.  In countries where guns are not available death rates are dramatically lower.  Look it up.  Any rational person looking at the rates of gun violence in the US vs any other 1st world country (and many 2nd and 3rd) can see that eliminating or even reducing access to guns significantly impacts on gun violence.  This is not rocket science.  But what about the second amendment you say??  What about it?  What part of anyone and their dog being able to have as many guns as they want, says anything about a "well-regulated militia."  Pretty sure the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) didn't have this insanity in mind.

So many of the discussions that need to be had around mental health, race, poverty etc., are so critically important, but perhaps if we could get our heads out of the sand and get the weapons out of the conversation, we would actually have time to have these conversations.  Instead we are spending more and more time, mourning, praying and cleaning up the blood of innocents.  I'm pretty sure God is saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  When are we going to listen?

Perhaps the current crop of Graduates will be strong enough and smart enough to change things.  Right now I feel like we have failed them and left them with an awful mess to clean up.  If anyone can do it though, I bet they can.  I hope they can.

enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.