true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

Today's the day...

The world has been crazy lately. I've taken a dive back into political activism. I'm horrified by some of the racist, white-supremicist, awful things that are taking up oxygen currently.
I'm also amazed at the kindness and beauty that continues to surround us all. The ugliness is getting a lot of air time, but the beauty and goodness will prevail.

I choose to believe this. Call me naive if you like, but I believe that there is more good in the world than bad. I won't believe otherwise. If I did, I'm not sure I could leave this morning to bring my youngest child (and her older sister) to college half-way across the country.

I know that there are good people EVERYWHERE and that if and when my newest chick to leave the nest needs help, guidance, support, ANYTHING, some good person will step up and help. It's what we do. It's what I have taught my children and it's what I have witnessed over my increasingly long life.

I'm not suggesting that there is not ugliness and hate in the world ~ our current political leaders lack of moral leadership seem to have brought much of the hate that has been simmering underground, to the surface. As much as it winds me up and stresses me out, maybe it's a good thing. It's easier to fight something you can see.

Like generations before us, we will look at those who would preach hate and violence, and we will continue to preach love and non-violence. Hopefully we will learn from our past before too much damage is done.

Here's what I want to tell my daughter as she heads out into this complicated world of ours.

LIVE your life. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or to get hurt. This is when we learn the most. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Believe in something bigger than yourself and trust that you are loved and cared for. Look for the Helpers. Mr. Rogers words continue to ring true. If you are afraid, or confused or just need a hand, look for the helpers. They're EVERYWHERE! Be a helper yourself.

Stand up for yourself and others. Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water and take your vitamins.

Don't forget to sleep.

Remember your hat when it's cold.

Never ever forget how very much I love you and how very proud I am of the powerful woman you are becoming.

The first day...

Today is the first day of my 50th year.

Today my youngest child will attend her Senior Prom - as a family, this is Prom number 9.

The "lasts" are coming fast and furious this month! The last HS musical last weekend, the last Chorus Concert yesterday, the last Prom today...

This time is full of mixed emotions. I am so ready to "graduate" from High School. 10 years has been a good run, but I'm ready to move on. At the same time, these years have been full of music, friends, community and love as my children have grown into amazing young people, both because of and in spite of the community they grew up in.

I'm ready to shift my volunteer focus away from school events and committee's towards community events and committee's. I'm ready to dive more deeply into life as an entrepreneur. With fewer "mom" demands on my time I will have fewer excuses and look forward to holding myself accountable for using my time well and growing my business.

I'm sad to leave these days behind. I'm not sure if it's because I've loved them or because I'm afraid I didn't love them enough. "The days are long but the years are short." I don't know who said it first, but it's true. I've always been guilty of looking ahead ~ just look at birthdays! 29 was harder than 30, 39 was harder than 40 and I suspect 49 will be harder than 50.

This year, my 50th, I want to continue to focus on being in the moment. Planning for the future, but really seeing what is happening around me and being PRESENT. Rather than fretting about being almost 50, I want to enjoy 49.

As the "lasts" continue this month and next, I will enjoy them all. I will cry and laugh and probably take too many pictures. I am so proud of the children I have raised and enjoy them more and more as adults every day ~ the years to come will be different for sure, but I'm excited to follow the journey's of each of my "chicks" and am excited to continue my own journey as it diverges from theirs.

Here's to a new year of taking risks, learning new things and enjoying every minute!

Happy May Day!

May is here!
May is always a big month for me. There is something about the new babies, flowering trees, warmer temperatures and new energy that gets me going.

May is my birth month. It's the month of Mother's Day and the birth month of child number 2. It feels celebratory and inspiring. It feels validating.

This May will include a series of "lasts." Our last Prom. Our last HS musical production. Our last HS concert. While we are ready to graduate from HS for the last time, I would be totally lying if I said that each of these "lasts" weren't tinged with a little sadness. I want to relish each of them. I want to fully experience them with my child so I can really and truly say goodbye to this chapter of my life.

This month I also dig deeper into creating a new professional path for myself. My Music Together work just gets richer and more satisfying and will continue on. In addition to this work I'm beginning to explore the world of Life Coaching. I'm in the early phase where I'm creating an identity and a focus. Who is my ideal client? What can I teach them? How can I support them? What do I have to offer? Lots of questions to answer! Having a coach to take me through this process is certainly the only way I would actually make it happen, but at times it feels indulgent. I need to own the investment and take full advantage of the opportunities to learn and grow if I am to be successful. I don't have to do it by myself.

While my momentum is building, I'm still finding myself "hiding" in my nest ~ putting off my list of "to-do's" in favor of snuggling with the dogs. Watching netflix with child number 3. I don't quite trust my wings yet. To feel safe I need to build my network of support. Those who will catch me if I fall. Isn't this what parenting is all about?? I feel almost as if I'm 18 again and ready to leap... but not quite.

As parents, we create a "nest" for our young ones. A safe space to learn and grow. Some children can't wait to jump out and others need a little more time to feel safe. Either way, we want them to know that they can always come back if they need to ~ to re-group, re-charge, re-focus.
Sometimes they jump before they are ready ~ we want to catch them when they fall, but some fall too fast.
Sometimes they get stuck and refuse to jump ~ a nudge becomes necessary to get them moving! If they don't trust themselves, we need to help them along by making it clear that WE trust them. We know they have what it takes to create a life for themselves. If we have done our job as parents, they will trust US, take a breath, spread their wings, and fly.
One way or another, our children will grow and go. When that happens it's back to us. Deep sigh.

In less than 6 weeks, Helen will graduate from HS. Both girls will spend the summer working at Camp Calumet in NH as they have before, and then will head to college; one for the first year, and one for the last year. My truly empty nest begins soon.

Here's the thing though. There will always be room in my "nest" for anyone who needs a place to re-group, re-charge, re-focus. Sometimes it will be my children. Sometimes it will be friends. Hopefully it will be future clients. A "nest" isn't just a physical home for me. It is a metaphorical "safe space." A judgement free zone where you don't need to apologize for resting your "wings."

Through the season of new life, new energy and new beginnings, I will be taking time to sink in to my "nest." I will continue to develop my skills and "muscles." I will continue to soak up the "lasts" with Helen and will be available to her as much as I can be to enjoy it all.

In June, she and I will both fly out into the world. 

Tomorrow I jump.

I've started this post multiple times over the past month - in my head of course - but haven't just sat down to write. When my oldest was getting ready to graduate, I had to write. I had to process. I cried all year long. When my second was getting ready to graduate, I needed to write too, but I was less teary. I'd been through it once before and had realized that while graduating was big, it was more of a starting point than an end point. My first had left, but stayed in contact. With the second I was as excited about the adventures to come as I was about the "end" HS graduation represented.

Now, after 10 years in High School, the youngest is getting ready to fly. She is finding her way and while there have been plenty of struggles, the path is pretty clear and as she heads into the last few months her excitement about the life to come is beginning to outweigh the "senioritis" that marked the first half of the year. As a family, we are ready to "graduate" from HS for the last time!

This time around my attention has not so much been on launching child 3 out of the nest, but launching myself. Life has been pretty great up to this point and I've been able to do work I love while being the available parent at home. That changes next year. The time spent driving kids, running errands for kids, cleaning up after kids, feeding kids, nagging kids and on and on, will be over.

So much of what I love about parenting will continue ~ loving, listening, laughing, advising. The time intensive part is wrapping up. We have made the choice over the years to work with a smaller family budget in order to make it possible for me to be available as our children were growing. While I wouldn't change that decision for a minute, I would be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle. We have more debt than we would like and the stress we have experienced around money has taken too much time and energy.

I started looking at the years ahead. So much time to dig deeper into my business! It's time for me to increase my income so we can eliminate the debt we've taken on and build on our future plans to travel and someday retire. Let's be honest. No one goes into Early Childhood ANYTHING to make money. Why not take this time to dive into a whole new career? Not so easy. First, I LOVE WHAT I DO. Loving what I do makes me a happier person and when I'm happier, my family is happier. Second, like so many women who have stayed home to raise families, I've been out of the work force long enough that I'm both over-qualified and under-experienced for the few jobs that have any appeal to me at this point in life.

How do we move into these next years???? For so long, I've had my sweet little business, but have primarily been Andi, Katy and Helen's Mom. For many women it's even more dramatic. So many spend the years of childrearing completely focused on raising their families, volunteering in their communities and taking care of everyone but themselves. Years of education get dusty on a shelf and dreams of careers fade away.  Music Together has given me a professional community to connect with and opportunities to grow and I'm certain that having this work has made me a better Mom. I have opportunities to move forward within this community as I train to be a Teacher Trainer and find ways to nurture and grow my business. So much to look forward to!!

So what's with the complete lack of focus and motivation lately to do anything other than stay home with the dogs and the last of my chicks, binge watching shows on Netflix and ignoring the list on my phone of things that need to be attended to?

I'm not afraid of sending my children out into the world. They are more than ready and I'm excited to see where life takes them. I'm afraid of heading out into the world myself. For 24 years I've had an excuse to "back out" whenever life felt overwhelming. "My family needs me." "I need to be available to my kids." Excuses that have sheltered me from both the risk of failure, but also the risk of success.

For years I've said to myself, "You have so much to offer, but if you really dove in, the kids and family would suffer." What a load of CRAP. Let's be honest. I'm a lousy cook - I don't keep a particularly clean house. It's fine, but I certainly don't spend a whole lot of time on it. I am really good at laundry. That's my claim to fame at home. I'm a pretty good chauffeur too, but I've been hiding behind my children for years and now they are on their way. Jeff more than carries his load at home and has always been 100% behind whatever makes me happy. The only thing that has held me back is that FEAR.

FEAR that I'll fail. FEAR that I'll succeed. FEAR that people will figure out I have no idea what I'm talking about. FEAR that I'll disappoint.

This is the year that it changes. I'm jumping out of the nest with Helen and am moving forward with my life and career. Tomorrow I start a year of working with a Coach ~ building my business and creating additional ways to use the skills and knowledge and passion I already have to expand what I can offer to the world and increase what I contribute to my family.  For years I've made excuses. I've had a difficult time claiming the title of "small business owner." I haven't taken myself seriously or in anyway "owned" who I am and what I am capable of. I've found my voice, but now all that talk needs to be turned into action.

Tomorrow is the day.

The children were nestled...

My children are home all snug in their beds...

I wish visions of sugarplums were all that were in their heads. With children transitioning to adulthood, the visions in their heads are not something I can control (not that I could before!) or ever know. Sometimes they share their dreams with me, but not often.
The world they are going out into is in some ways no different than the world I launched into in 1990,  in other ways, very different. In some ways better, in some ways worse.

When I was in college, I travelled to the USSR - the next year the Berlin Wall came down and we rejoiced that the Cold War was ending. Since then the fear of nuclear war has been way back in my mind as something of the past. We had evolved past that as a global society. Now I fear the incoming administration will plunge us back into not only an arms race, but WWIII. I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

When I was in college, there was drinking, smoking, pot, and other drugs being used. Heroin was something mysterious and only being used by junkies in cities. Now a generation of young people are dying. My son and his friends are mourning the loss of one of their own just a week or so ago. TOO MANY. Every week I hear a friend of a friend, or the brother or sister of a friend has died from an OD... my heart aches.

When I was in college, I was pretty oblivious to politics. I voted, but mostly because my parents had instilled a sense of responsibility in me. That's just what you do. For the most part I trusted that the leaders I voted for were good people who wanted the best for our nation. My perspective was to get through the elections and then even if I wasn't thrilled with the result, I felt I needed to give them a chance. I don't remember ever being afraid after an election, that those who were in power were going to destroy us. I never felt compelled to write letters, send e-mails, make phone calls, or march in protest. Now, I've done almost all of those. I'm going to a march in NYC on January 21st. If there is a silver lining to this horror show of an election, it is the number of people who have NEVER been politically active, who are now stepping up. My children are far more engaged and informed than I ever was. They are prepared to stand up and be counted. To stop the forces that would take the progress of the last 50 years and stomp on it.

When I was in college, I knew gay people. I had friends who were gay, I sang with people who were gay. While I don't remember ever thinking there was anything wrong with being gay, I would never have envisioned the progress we've made around marriage equality. The beautiful families I see headed by two moms or two dads were not anything I knew growing up. For my children? It's a part of the many ways that families are created. We still have such a long ways to go as a country, but we were making great progress, not just around acceptance of sexual orientation, but around protecting the rights and well being of ALL of us regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, immigration status...

Now, there are horrible things happening more and more - the incoming administration has unleashed a flood of UGLY. Never in my lifetime did I every fear that in 2016, swastika's would be showing up on playgrounds and in schools. On that trip to the USSR, we also visited Hungary, Estonia, and Poland. We spent time in Auschwitz Concentration Camp - we saw the horror that can be unleashed.
Now, I wear a safety pin everyday not only to signal that I am "safe," to those who may feel fear, but to remind myself that I must be ready to STAND UP. To remind myself that I can't look away from the hate. I must face it with strength and love.

My children are entering adulthood at a time when as a global community we are teetering on the brink. We could move forward into a world that supports and embraces all that is beautiful and diverse and AMAZING, or we could plunge backwards into a world that fears anything "different."

When it is dark and cold and my seasonal fight with depression rears it's ugly head, I truly fear for the future of our nation and our world.

When I look at my children and their friends, and the faces of the children I sing and dance with every day, I know in my heart that the ugliness that is out there is a LAST GASP. Those who are afraid of change and progress and different, are in the minority. Those who believe that what makes our world so amazing is the very diversity that makes up not just our nation, but the planet earth, are in the majority. We are growing and we are learning to speak out and stand up.

May 2017 be a year when love and kindness triumphs over hate and meanness. May it be a year when we demand that those in charge of our precious world LISTEN. May it be a year when we listen to each other and find common ground in our desire to live peace-filled, loving lives. 

Saying goodbye

This morning I said goodbye to my husband and child as they headed out the door. To a funeral. For a 17 year old student and friend.  I'm not going with them for many reasons. Lots of things to do today. I need to pick up our son later. I didn't know the student myself. I can't bear the idea of witnessing the pain of her family.

For a long time I have felt that loss is so very personal. If I don't know the person who is lost or at least know their family I feel like witnessing their pain would be an intrusion on the most personal, painful experience ever.
I feel like I should be with my people to hold their hands, but I couldn't bear it.

We say goodbye all the time. Every day we say goodbye to our partners, our children, our friends, our colleagues, our clients and on and on. We say goodbye with the expectation that we will see that person again. Later that day, week, month, year, etc... We forget that sometimes goodbye is forever.

Sometimes we know when a goodbye might be the last one. Each time we have the opportunity to see my husband's Grandmother we know it might be the last time. She is 99 and while there is no reason to believe she will pass anytime soon, she's 99!

We know that after losing my Father-in-law unexpectedly that our parents are mortal and while we are lucky to still have 5 of 6 parents healthy and in our lives, we could lose any one of them at anytime. When we say goodbye we know it could be the last one.

When you say goodbye to your child as they head out the door to school most of us don't allow the idea that we won't see them again to cross our minds. For that to happen, it would have to involved a horrible accident or disaster. Opening that thought process is just a recipe for over-protection and paranoia.

Goodbye is something we just toss out to them, maybe occasionally adding an "l love you!". We are confident that they will get off the bus after school and we will see them again.

As children get older, start driving, heading off to college or living away from home, goodbye is a little more intense, a little more poignant. We know that we can't protect them from the world, but we trust that we've done a good job and they will make good decisions and use common sense. We are aware though that horrible things happen. We infuse those goodbyes with a little extra power and love and a prayer for their safe return.

Parents of children who are black, muslim, gay, even female, have the significantly higher fear that their child will be targeted, harassed, assaulted, killed.  As the mother of white children, one boy and two girls, I have had many fears for my son. I have never had to fear that he would be pulled over by police because of the color of his skin. I cannot even begin to fathom what that fear might look like or feel. I have felt the pain of listening to him recount stories of being bullied in school and only wish I had known, but I never really feared I wouldn't see him again.

As the mother of daughters I have feared for their safety. I have feared for their hearts as I've seen them deal with "mean girls," cliques, bullies etc. I have also intentionally raised them to advocate for themselves and others and they, along with their brother, are growing into young people who have a strong sense of right and wrong. A strong sense of social justice. A powerful need to stand up for those who are being oppressed. I still fear for my daughter's physical safety in the way I fear for my own safety as a woman, and have taught them to be watchful and protective of themselves and their friends. I also fear for the safety of their rights as women to have agency over their own bodies. To make decisions about reproduction without the interference of the far right.

When I say goodbye to them, all sorts of horrible scenarios could run through my mind, but I can't let them. I have to trust that the worlds they live in are by and large good ones. They are smart, caring, powerful people who will do their best to care for themselves and others. I have to trust that I will see them again.

Today a community of people will say goodbye to a lovely young woman. 17. Struck down swiftly and unexpectedly by a horrible illness. This goodbye is so final. So wrong. Her father has already had so many losses - a wife and unborn child, another son, and now a daughter. Too much loss for one person to bear, yet he does.

We can never take for granted the goodbyes in our life. Each one could be the last and what that means is each one should be said with love and an understanding that life is fragile. This last Thanksgiving my in-laws left early Sunday morning from their hotel having said goodbye the night before. As they got on the road, my Father-in-law asked if they needed to stop by the house to say goodbye so that our daughter wouldn't be upset. She understands how important those goodbyes are. At 17 she has said a final goodbye to more loved ones than I had at age 30.

Whether he would admit it or not, Grandfather's acknowledgement of the importance of her goodbye was an understanding that he too knows that each goodbye is sacred and not to be dismissed.

The saga continues...

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I had anything to say!?! I've actually had lots to say, but decided much of it was either private or inappropriate or just not nice :-)
Mostly the last year has been absorbed with life and that's it.

Today my youngest starts her first day of her Senior year. Our last of 10 consecutive years with someone in High School. A few people have asked my if I'm sad or "how can you stand it?" I have to say I AM SO READY TO BE DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! I feel like I have to confess that I am looking forward to all the "lasts" with excitement rather than sadness...

I love my children. I love being a mom. I've been at it all of my adult life having started my family on the early end of things. I love babies. I love toddlers. I love pre-school. With many ups and downs I have loved watching my children grow and I have cried and yelled and hugged and kissed and snuggled and done all the things a parent does.

I am finding my fledgling adult children to be endlessly interesting, funny, smart caring people. The kind of people I like to spend time with. I'm ready to get to know them even better as they dig into the world and find their place in it.

I'm also ready to dive into my next chapter. My marriage after 25 years continues to fill me up and bring me joy. My work is endlessly fascinating and evolving as I take on different roles and learn new things to share. We dream about traveling and just hanging out at home. While I'm certain I will miss my children (and do when they are gone), I love hearing about their adventures and enjoy filling them in on mine.

This is the whole point. We don't have children to keep them children. We have children to enrich the world with new energy and ideas and passion as they grow. We raise adults.

While the "lasts" of this year will certainly bring some feelings of nostalgia and maybe a few tears, I plan to enjoy them all. Some of the "lasts" I will say goodbye to with a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of attitude. Some of them will be more of a "wow! I will miss this!" They will be special for my child because they are "hers." I plan to document them for her. I plan to celebrate them with her. I will not mourn them though. Mourning is for those things that make you sad. My children's lives make me anything but.

2016 - the year of being "present"

Just like that another year has passed. I want to have something awesome to say. I don't. Several times over the last few weeks I thought about writing, but between college kid coming home, concerts, a Nutcracker performance, grown-up kid coming home, Christmas festivities, driving to Western NY, wedding festivities, driving to IA, celebrating New Years Eve, grown-up kid leaving for Puerto Rico, driving back from IA, and getting husband and youngest back to school, my brain has been full of lists and to-do's instead of thoughts and ideas.
Honestly it's better that way at this time of year. Even though everyday is slightly longer, it's still dark. I'm beginning to emerge from my annual winter "dip" but like the sun, it takes time for my energy and enthusiasm for life to really get back to speed. Too much time to "think" sends me into a pit, while a list of things to check off keeps me going.
Every January I want to start fresh. I make lists and goals and create strategies and plans. Some years I do better than others at reaching those goals. We all do. Some years I look at last year's goals and realize they were left behind in January. That's what happened this year.
Last January, I started out with a focus and commitment to really dig in and grow my business. I created 1 year and 5 years goals and wrote out actions steps. Goals not met, action steps? Some completed. Many not. Last January I started with a plan to reduce our debt. This January? Debt level is the same (or higher if I'm really honest). Last January I committed to working out and losing those last annoying 20 lbs. Worked out more than in 2014, lost 10 lbs., but bailed the last 4 months of the year.

This January I'm doing it differently. Lately I've been trying to find ways to help my youngest spend less time mourning the loss of her past, less time worrying about her future and more time living in her present. I've ignored the fact that that's exactly what I do. It's not what I SAY, but it's what I DO. I talk about how things used to be as much as the next person. "When we were kids..." "When I was in school..." "When I was younger..." I endlessly worry about the future. What's going to happen to my business? What are my children going to end up doing? What am I going to be when I grow up? How will we ever pay off our debt? What if? What if? What if?

When we spend all our time worrying about what was true or what will be true, we miss what IS true.

Here is my list of "what is true"

~ I am in a loving supportive marriage with my best friend.
~ I have raised three healthy, quirky, interesting, compassionate children.
~ I have work that is important, powerful and ridiculously fun to do.
~ I have an extended family spread around the country full of people who love me.
~ I have a warm place to live.
~ I have delicious food to eat.
~ I have clothes to wear.
~ I have a strong body that allows me to dance, play, work and serve.
~ I have a crazy dog who is always up for a snuggle.
~ I have friends who love me and who are there whether I need a hug or a kick in the pants.
~ I have more resources available to me than the average person.
~ I have an amazing life full of blessings.

This January I will look back briefly. There is a place for looking at where we've come and what we've done. This January though, instead of saying to myself "I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I didn't get that done..." I'm going to say "here's what I want to continue working on and here's what I'm going to let go."
This January I will look forward and set some goals for myself. I will create some action plans and to-do lists. I may find a place to put them so I don't lose them so quickly, but as life moves on I will tweak and edit these guides as life dictates.
New this January will be a commitment to look at "what is true TODAY." I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I was so busy looking behind me and ahead of me that I missed what was right in front of me.

Life is about change. Change can be good, change can be bad.  The one thing that is consistent in life is change. So much of life is out of our control. The one thing in life that is completely in our control is how we react to it. We choose how we live our life. We choose how we react to changes, good and bad. We choose how we react to challenges. We can choose to be overwhelmed and defeated or we can choose to shake it off, stand up and move along. We can choose to get stuck in the past, overwhelmed by the future or absorbed in the present. We get to choose to be reactive or proactive, sad or happy, negative or positive. We choose how we live today.

2016 - the year of being "present".

December 14th

Today is a Monday like many others. Everyone in the house is up early. My husband and daughter are out the door and I have a short time to soak in the rays from my HappyLight, check in on Facebook and take a quick peek at my e-mail.
Today is December 14th. It makes this Monday different. Today people throughout CT (and elsewhere) remember Sandy Hook.  We remember the 26 souls taken from the world by a lost and sick young man.  20 children, 6 teachers. Their deaths began a new age in our world, one where we don't feel safe even in the "safest" places.

3 years ago our middle child was struggling with mental health issues. Our December was completely absorbed in keeping her safe and getting her help. 3 years later she is thriving in college. She had access to good mental health services and she DIDN'T have access to a gun. If she had, we could have easily been mourning her suicide. If the murderer of Sandy Hook had better mental health services he may not have done what it did. If he did not have easy access to his mother's guns he would not have done what he did.  No one could have magically made him "better," but we could have prevented his access to guns.

3 years ago we all said "never again." the horror of school children being murdered seemed like more than enough to wake up the country to look seriously at gun control and mental health. While progress has been made, Since Sandy Hook it's not enough.  The Federal Government has been unable to make any progress, so any semblance of sanity on the issue of gun control/gun safety has fallen to individual states. Any progress is good, but as long as individual states have widely disparate laws, too many guns will continue to be available to those who want them.

Here's the problem though. When a "mass" shooting happens there is a lot of activity - statistics are thrown around, social media is busy with people on both sides of the issue. In the meantime, those who could make significant change in this land, don't. What we hear are excuses.  "It's not about guns, it's about mental health." "If more good guys had guns, we could beat the bad guys." "The second amendment protects my right to protect myself and my family." "More gun control won't work, 'cause the bad guys will get the guns anyways." After a week or so, the flurry of activity slows, we move on with our lives and wait for the next time we hear in the news "Mass shooting at a......."
Here's the thing.

"Mass shootings get all the attention, but they are a small part of the overall problem," "On the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting, about 90 other people died as the result of a shooting."(quote from the above link)

The number of people killed as a result of gun violence in this country outside the sensational shootings is not acceptable. Domestic violence, suicide, homicide, accidental.  Just the number of people who are injured or killed when a TODDLER comes across a gun and accidentally fires it should be enough for the powers that be to make some common sense reforms regarding the gun laws of the United States.   

Good Mental Health services continue to be difficult to come by even if you have resources. While progress has been made, there is still more to do.  The work that needs to be done will NOT be done until we value people over things.  As long as those in power value the almighty dollar more than the life of a child nothing will change.  Even when changes are made and those who need it get help, it will still take time. 

In the meantime, common sense gun reform nationwide, could make a huge impact.  To deny the progress made by neighboring countries is foolish.  Fewer guns = fewer gun deaths.  Will it prevent all gun deaths? No. Will reducing the number of guns end all mass shootings? No. Will reducing the number of guns in the US and requiring common sense protections like "smart technology," training, safe storage etc. significantly reduce the number of deaths due to gun violence. The numbers and the experience of Australia, the UK and Japan would suggest YES.

While I am horrified each time there is a mass shooting and December 14th will always be a sad day, I want to see change for the hundreds of thousands of individuals who deaths don't make the news or social media. 

Today on December 14th, I'm going to remember the 26 souls lost at Sandy Hook School, but I'm also going remember the 554 children under age 12 who have died since Sandy Hook due to intentional or accidental gunshots. I'm going to remember the 33,599 people who died LAST YEAR in the US due to gun violence. I'm going to remember the 497,632 people who have died because of guns since 1999. 

 I'm also going to pray for the souls of those who stand by and do nothing.

Gift of neighbors

Sunday was an awesome "re-set" day for me. I was wrapped up again in fretting and venting about things that are critically important, but out of my control. At least for now. I don't mean that I'm backing off on gun control, support for Planned Parenthood, or any of the other issues that are important to me right now, but sitting at my computer sharing everything I can find with mostly people who agree with me is not really a great use of my time!

Yesterday I started the day with some of my favorite people, leading the worship service at First Lutheran, followed by the fastest, most efficient committee meeting ever, followed by Christmas Caroling right in the neighborhood around our church building.  We have done Christmas Caroling in many ways over the years, sometimes going specifically to the homes of members of our congregation who can't get out anymore, or going to local nursing homes or assisted living facilities, but I can't remember ever going house to house in the neighborhood around our church.

Growing up, my family, along with many others, would go Caroling house to house. Many of you may remember similar experiences. We knew most if not all of our neighbors and knew they would welcome us. Somehow that seems less common.  To be honest, I was a little nervous. We had a number of very enthusiastic children with us and I didn't want them to get discouraged by closed doors. We've been members of First for 20+ years, but we don't know our "neighbors."

We quickly discovered there was nothing to fear!  While there were many neighbors who weren't home (it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon after all), those who were, welcomed us.  Several insisted on sending us away with treats and a few cars driving by stopped to listen.  We are not professional. We didn't rehearse.  We sometimes sang in a few different keys at the same time. No one cared!  We were sharing a gift with our neighbors and in their thanks, I was humbled. Holiday greetings were exchanged with great happiness.

There is so much emphasis on "not offending" anyone in our world today. What if we sing Christmas songs at the home of a Jewish family or a Muslim family? What if someone thinks we are trying to "convert" them? What if they don't like our singing? What if?

What happened to the idea of simply sharing our gifts with each other? When we work so hard to not offend, we build higher and higher walls between "us" and "them". The simple act of stepping off our church property and sharing our joy in the season with our neighbors was one of the most joyful things I've done in months! The smiles on the faces of our neighbors was a gift to us.

We cannot give in to a world that tries to tell us that we should fear our "neighbors." In a global society our neighbors are next door and around the world. Instead of fearing them, we must love them. When we assume the best in others, we are often rewarded with the best in return.

There will be times when a door will be shut, when a "neighbor" will disappoint. Doesn't this already happen though within our own families and communities?? We are all human and in our humanity we will fail and disappoint others. But, what if we lived our life assuming the best? What if instead of approaching strangers with the assumption that they should be feared, we approached them as a neighbor we haven't met yet?

We cannot control what happens out in the world, but we can control our reaction to it. If we react to terror with fear and hate, we do nothing to counteract it. If we respond with love and forgiveness we send a powerful message that those who perpetrate acts of terror or violence will not win.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather die with love and forgiveness in my heart than hate and fear.  

The new normal ISN'T NORMAL.

I'm so disgusted right now. Over and over again it happens. Innocent people are slaughtered right here in the "land of the free". Those who we have elected offer "thoughts and prayers" to those in Colorado Springs, Savannah, San Bernadino, and then go back to business as usual.

Right now I want to be writing about the holidays with my almost adult children. Thanksgiving was a warm up to Christmas and it is an interesting time to be a parent when your children come "home" to visit. I don't want to be talking yet again about the incredible stupidity of the country I live in. WHEN DO WE LEARN?

Yesterday my 16 year old posted the following on her FB page, "I think one of the saddest parts of the San Bernadino shooting today is that I'm no longer surprised by this kind of violence. I shouldn't be used to hearing about shootings. So incredibly sad and WRONG."

This child has grown up in a post-Columbine world. She has been struggling with increasing anxiety since she was 10. On the surface she has little to be anxious about. She is loved, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is kind, she works hard, she lives in a "safe" town with good schools, she is blessed. She has also grown up in a world that seems to be increasingly scary and unpredictable. It is no longer "when is the next shooting going to occur", the question is "where is it going to be today?" Of my three children she has grown up with the most media exposure from a young age. It's everywhere. School is also increasingly stressful (for many reasons) and does not appear to be any safer than any place else.

The facts say that she is still safer in our small town and in her school that in many places. Logic should tell her that she has little to fear and everything to look forward to. Facts and logic mean nothing when you have been in a state of fear and worry throughout your formative years.  Brains developing while under constant state of "preparedness" cannot possibly be optimal. How much of the dramatic increase in depression and anxiety among our children has as much to do with the "marketing" of our dangerous world? When they are bombarded with images of violence over and over, in places that "they could be" why wouldn't they begin to fear for themselves? If the messages they get from the adults in their world be in family members or the talking heads, is that "there is nothing we can do about 'it'" why wouldn't they begin to experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you are perpetually in a state of "fight or flight," your adrenaline levels stay high.  They aren't supposed to do this. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. It isn't normal for us to be in a state of "preparedness" ready to react at the slightest threat.

After a rough few days, H was showing signs of her normal, happy, goofy self. She made it through the school day without a text or a call home or a visit to the nurses office. The early part of the afternoon she was a joy. As the day progressed and she saw bits of news, scrolled through Facebook, watch a video on Syrian refugees and followed news reports on the events of San Bernadino, she began to wilt. Her stomach began to hurt, her fears of getting sick increased, her anxiety began to climb through the roof.

Strategies to calm her didn't work and finally her dad ended up sleeping in her room so she would feel safe. This morning despite a night of sleep she was still feeling miserable and stayed in bed. Another day of school will be missed.  How do I know this isn't just some virus? Because it happens with increasing frequency and we have explored all the possible "medical" explanations.  She is dealing with anxiety and physical illness is how it is expressed in her body. THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

At 16 her worries should be few - school, driving, boys, maybe thinking about college, what to wear. She should be spending increasing amounts of time with her friends, moving away from the "nest." Instead she is spending more and more time at home. She doesn't like to be alone at night. She worries about her own safety and the safety of her siblings who have left home. She worries about Syrian children who have nowhere to sleep and nothing to eat. She worries about other vulnerable populations who are bullied and abused. I might be projecting my own worries on her, but she worries about the world she is going to be responsible for. The world that will exist when she is "grown-up."

Right now it is too scary. She doesn't want to grow up. My smart, funny, talented, compassionate child is doing everything she can to not grow up. To not have to "leave the nest." I can't say I blame her. She is coming of age in a world full of hate and violence. A world where money and wealth appears to be valued over people. A world that doesn't seem to care about children or others who need our care.

It would be easy to say it's time to limit her media exposure. Tell her to stop watching the news. Tell her to stay off social media for a while. I want to protect her and surround her in a bubble of Christmas music and cookie baking.  I want to hide her from the world.

While we will have this conversation, I can't protect her from the world she lives in. Social media is a big part of that world and she needs to learn how to navigate through it.  Like her mom, she needs to learn when to "turn it off." We will continue to work with the different professionals in our life who are helping us develop strategies to deal with anxiety. We will breathe, journal, add yoga to our routine, continue to eat as healthfully as we can, find ways to serve others, and try to keep some perspective.

This is all a part of parenting for sure, and I know I have pretty tremendous kids. They all have a strong sense of responsibility to make the world a better place and I know they will. I just wish the world they were inheriting wasn't so f'ed up.

I am angry that instead of the fire drills and tornado drills of my childhood in MN, schools now have "active shooter" drills. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. I am angry that those in a position to learn from other countries who have successfully addressed these very issues, like Australia, insist on spouting the rhetoric of personal "rights" without taking responsibility for the safety of the community. I'm tired that the "rights" of the individual to own whatever gun they want, trumps the rights of my child (and yours) to have a childhood and to feel safe. I'm angry that everything comes back to the almighty dollar and whoever has the most money get's their way.

Like my daughter, I can so easily get overwhelmed by the horror and tragedy. As a grown-up I have to keep perspective. I have to model balance in my life and in my use of and access to Social media. I have to acknowledge that I can't fix everything. I need to take one small step at a time. There is so much good in the world and so many good people doing that good.  We need to see them and be them.  We need to shine a light on those doing good and also shine our own light.

In the Christian calendar we have just begun the season of Advent. A season of waiting and anticipating. We wait for the birth of Christ. The Light of the World. Here's the thing.  The light is already here - it's us. We can't just wait while we share our "thoughts and prayers." WE ARE THE LIGHT. When we accept responsibility for a broken world and dedicate ourselves to loving and healing it, then we welcome the Light. Only then will we truly welcome the Christ Child. Those who hate and condemn and judge seek to put the light out. While we wait in the darkness, we must shine a light.

being there

Luther College Graduation, May 1990

I've struggled with writing lately. Not sure why other than life is busy and it can be tricky to write about your experience launching your children into the world when they are struggling. I don't want to invade their privacy or share too much. I've dealt with that in the past by writing about my own journey out into the world as an entrepreneur and advocate. Even that has been tricky lately as I'm having my own struggles and am feeling the need to pull back on the sharing.

Last weekend was my 25th College Reunion.  I just felt a wave of nausea as I wrote that, but YES, I have been out of college for 25 years.  I really thought I would know what I was doing "when I grew up" by now, but I guess it's ok to be on a perpetual journey. It was a wonderful weekend shared with my partner in life who is also a Luther grad from the class of '90, but the best part of the weekend was reconnecting with friends I haven't seen.  One particular friend is pictured above and below.

25th College Reunion, Oct. 2015

Annie is one of my life long friends - we've know each other longer now that we didn't.  We met as 18 year old first year students and over the next 4 years, we lived together 2 years, sang together, laughed together, cried together, got drunk together, danced together, grew up together.

After college our paths were different - I dove right into marriage and children along with school and work.  Annie pursued her passion for music, studying and singing around the world.  We connected less often as our lives were so very different.  She got married when I was pregnant with my third child and we laughed that my children would be able to babysit her's.  As she entered the world of motherhood, we re-connected more often.  

Our lives have been busy and we live far apart, so we never see each other or talk as often as we would like.  We are often in different places politically, but our love for each other allows us to agree to disagree when necessary.  It is one of those friendships that can be dormant for weeks or months, but when the opportunity arises, it is like no time has passed.

Reconnecting this past weekend was particularly important as just a few days before Annie was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  When she first messaged me that she was having a suspicious lymph node removed and didn't know what the weekend would bring, all I could think about was how could I get to LaCrosse.  How could I be there for her.  There were days of worry about the actual diagnosis and then the severity and prognosis.  During that time my thoughts were with Annie and her husband and her 4 daughters.  The prognosis is excellent, so while the next 4 months will be unpleasant for sure, her Doctor is confident that she will be cured.  

This is when I hate being so far from "home."  I can't just bring a meal over or drive her to a chemo appointment or pick up her girls from a lesson or class.  I can pray and talk and maybe send a donation to help with extra costs, but I can't BE THERE. At least physically.  I can BE THERE in so many ways and when I stop having a pity party because I'm far away I remember that.

This is when the reality of life sets in.  The reality that we are getting older.  Our parents are getting older.  Our friends are getting older.  Each reunion will include more "in memoriams" to classmates who have passed away.  Each one will include more of us with parents who have passed away.  More of us will have struggled with our own illnesses.  

We will also be celebrating the graduations and marriages of our own children.  We will celebrate the births of grandchildren. We will become that next generation. 

I am grateful to have a wonderful life.  I am blessed with a husband I adore, children who are going to change the world, friends who love me (and I love back), an extended family full of amazing people and work that I love.  

It is so easy to get sucked into worrying about the little things, but so important to remember that life is not about the stuff or the money or the details.  It's about the people and the relationships.  It's about make the world a better place.  It's about caring for those who aren't as lucky as we are. It's about connecting and caring and BEING THERE.  Life is about love.

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

The world is STILL a good place...

It's been almost two months since I visited this page... Many times I began blogging in my head, but never succeeded in getting any of it down "on paper."  Maybe if I don't write about it it won't happen. Maybe if I allow myself to be paralyzed time will stop.

I don't really want time to stop, but I have allowed myself to be paralyzed over the last week~ the list gets longer and I add to it and then go back on Facebook, or drink another cup of coffee, or both.

This time of year is both my favorite and most hated.  I love the cooler mornings, the excitement of a "new year," the continued harvest from the garden.  The shorter days and the clear sign that time is marching on compel me to curl up in a ball on the couch with the dog, coffee and the Today Show and refuse to do anything.

Yesterday I got wrapped up in gun reform debates on Facebook.  While it's important and I feel more driven than ever to be a voice for reason, yesterday it was a strategy to ignore the things I need to attend to; bills, schedules, plans, to-do's, saying goodbye to two of my children.

Katy leaves tomorrow to begin her Sophomore year at Luther College in Decorah, IA.  I'm both excited for her and sad to see her go. We will have a quick visit in Oct. when Jeff and I attend our 25th College Reunion, and then we will see her at Christmas. She is becoming exactly who we predicted from the moment she was born; A force to be reckoned with!  I couldn't be more proud and I look forward to hearing about her classes, adventures and friends.  I will miss her.

Andrew leaves Sunday to move to New Haven.  Grown up life is calling and while he has no idea what it will look like, he is moving forward.  I'm both excited for him and proud that while he knows it will be difficult at times, he is ready to take on the challenges that the world will put before him.  He can fly, knowing that there is always room for him in the "nest" if he needs to re-group or rest or just visit.

I love that they seem to be moving forward unafraid.  So much of what I see in social media and elsewhere is fear-based.  We're becoming a culture of "us" and "them."  We are so afraid of the "others."  Our children are bombarded with images of shootings, natural disasters and other "things" to be afraid of.  We all get overwhelmed and focused on the negative in the world rather than the positive. We don't SEE the positive enough. On top of the things they can't control, we're pushing our children to work harder and excel because we are afraid they will be left behind, not because we want them to be happy. Our "fear" of failure can rub off on them and leave them with the sense that there is nothing in their life that they can control. They must do x, y, z or they won't get into the right schools and won't get the right jobs.  If they don't take every AP class they won't have college credits when they start college and will be behind.  Rather than supporting them in making choices that are right for them, we pressure them (or allow them to be pressured by others), to keep up and to do more. The list goes on and on and our children become more and more anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and fearful.

My oldest was in kindergarten when the shootings at Columbine High School happened.  I will always remember walking him home and trying to answer his questions.  We worked hard to keep the news off and to not overwhelm our children with images of tragedy.  We tried to do the same after 9/11.  Since then, it has gotten harder and harder to block the horror that is in the world.  Media is EVERYWHERE and while the world really isn't more dangerous than it used to be, IT SEEMS THAT WAY.  We don't see stories of goodness.  We don't see stories of joy.  We are overwhelmed with the bad and allow ourselves to begin living out of fear.  While we still try to protect our children from the horror in the world, we forget to protect ourselves from it and allow it to seep into our pores and turn us into fearful beings. Our children learn from what we do, not what we say.

Our youngest has grown up with less protection simply because it isn't as easy as turning off the tv.  As a third child, we have sometimes had conversations that we wouldn't have had at the same age with her older sibs.  She is still more protected than many and less fearful than many.  She successfully navigated a summer away from home and returned to the "real" world, more confident and vital after a summer of work and play. She is still more anxious and fearful than her siblings. We're working on it.

I could be afraid of so many things ~ I could be paralyzed by fears about plane crashes, shootings in the city, and on and on and on.  The truth is I don't want my life to be ruled by fear.  I don't want my children to live in fear.  I don't want them to be foolish and put themselves in harm's way, but I want them to LIVE.  If we are fearful and live our life constantly afraid of what might happen, what kind of life is that?  Accidents happen. Tragedies happen. Illness happens.  HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN.  We can't control so many of the things that paralyze us, but we can control how we react to them.  We can control how we choose to live our life.  We can control how we interact with the world.  We can be proactive and create "villages" filled with people who fill us up and provide is with a "nest" to visit when we need a little extra support.  We don't have to do everything by ourselves. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by the "what if's" I want take charge of the things I actually can control.  I want my children to make decisions based on what is good for them, NOT based on what everyone else is doing.  I want them to think for themselves and not get overwhelmed by the things they can't control.  I want to do a better job of modeling this for them.

I could be so afraid of sending my children out into the world, but I'm not.  I will miss them and I will worry about them, but I'm not afraid.  Despite popular opinion, the world is an amazing place filled with wonderful people, places and adventures to be had.  I could be afraid, but I'm not.  I'm excited to follow their journeys and I am proud that they are people who will make the world an even better place as they go.

An empty nest... for now

This morning marks our first real glimpse at what an empty nest will be like someday.  Yesterday we dropped off Helen for 6 weeks as a CIT at Camp Calumet. We will see her for a few days in the middle at a family reunion, but for all practical purposes our nest is empty.  There are 3 bedrooms upstairs with no one sleeping in them.  Laundry will decrease, clutter will decrease, trips to Target will decrease. Quiet will increase, time will increase, projects will increase. Excuses to not get things done will decrease. Arms and legs twirling through the house will decrease.

MIXED EMOTIONS!

A week or so ago, Helen and I spent an afternoon bickering with each other and then went to see "Inside Out", the latest Pixar film.  Perfect movie for a 16 year old and her Mama to see when they've been fighting.  This latest milestone in her life (and ours) is full of mixed emotions ~
Joy! 
Spending a summer at Camp Calumet is something I wish everyone could do!  It is truly one of the most amazing places on the planet - For the past 15 years my family has been a part of this beautiful, loving community and I will forever be grateful that my children have had the benefit of being exposed to a place where love and acceptance is truly practiced 24/7.  It is not a perfect place, but in my experience it is as close as one can come to it.
Sadness... 
My youngest child's journey into the world is ramping up.  For both Andy and Katy, it seemed that beginning with their "trainee" summer, everything just moved faster and faster.  While I didn't want to hold them back I did sometimes want to "freeze" things for just a moment.  Like her brother and sister, Helen is more than capable of holding her own. Like them, she often seems to function better (or in a more adult like manner) when she is away from us. This is how it should be. I know this. I studied it in grad school. I'm still feeling a little sad that another chapter is beginning to wrap up.
Fear.
This has not been an easy year for my youngest.  She has struggled with anxiety that has manifested itself in all kinds of physical discomforts - headaches, nausea, the works. Changes in diet, vitamins, sleep habits etc. have all helped, and she is doing better overall, but knowing that I am 4 hours away makes me a little fearful.  I fear that she will give up on herself.  I fear that she won't trust those around her to help her. I fear that she'll be just fine and not need me (that's a hard one to admit!).

MIXED EMOTIONS!

I'm excited to have time to really dig into some of my own work without interruptions! I am excited to have time to enjoy my partner in crime and very best friend/husband/love of my life.  I'm aware that 6 weeks is really pretty short in the grand scheme of things, and it's not really 6 weeks. 3 of those weeks I'll be working hard, the next week I'll be singing with my Dad and my sisters at our own camp followed by a family reunion. 1 more week to get my act together then I will join my girls at Calumet on staff for 2 weeks.
It is still more time than we've ever had where we are only responsible for ourselves. I don't want to waste it!  Time to make a list and enjoy the "rehearsal" as the final production is only a few years away...

Welcome to the world of crazy.

I want to write about all the High School and College Graduates we know who we are so proud of.  I want to send them out into the world with wishes for a long and amazing life.  Children, nieces, nephews, friends, a daughter from another mother.... On and on... They are AMAZING.  They are capable of great things.  They better be ready because we are launching them into a crazy world full of hate and violence, selfishness and pain.

This morning as I watched the news, the shooting in South Carolina is all over the place.  The emphasis of the story is on the vigils, and the community coming together to pray, the clear indication that this was a HATE crime.  A young man filled with so much hate that he sat with a group of people in a church for an hour and then slaughtered them.  So many prayers.  Some asking how can God let this happen.  God didn't let this happen.  I'm pretty certain SHE is weeping and despairing that we can't seem to get our act together.  We are responsible.  All of us.  We live in a world that separates us from each other by our differences.  Babies are born ready to love anyone.  We teach them who is the "other."

The attention is on the victims. The media is trying to take the focus away from the baby-faced killer and I think that's good.  We need to know the victims so we can truly mourn them.  Maybe then we will get off our fucking asses and CHANGE THINGS.  I know my parents read this and I apologize for my language, but I am so angry right now and no other words suffice.

There will be calls for more attention to mental health and to racism and hate and all this is good.  These are discussions that need to happen and changes need to be made.  Perhaps more attention will be on how children are loved and nurtured from day one.  Maybe there will be talk of communities pulling together to create stronger villages so children who are suffering, struggling, or being raised in hateful circumstances will be identified and supported before they become hateful killers.

THESE ARE ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT NEED TO BE HAD.

What will be touched on and then swept away however, will be talk of guns. This is where I can't stand it anymore.  What the hell is wrong with this country that despite shooting after shooting, horror after horror, we STILL CAN'T ADDRESS THE OBSCENE NUMBER OF GUNS AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY.  I'm not even talking about reasonable guns for hunting.  I'm talking about guns designed for the sole purpose of killing PEOPLE.  We've done this to ourselves and it will continue until those in positions of power at the local, state and federal level stop bowing down to the special interest groups and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  There are weapons that simply shouldn't be available to anyone.  There are weapons that should be restricted.  IF GUNS ARE NOT AVAILABLE, THEY CAN'T BE USED TO KILL PEOPLE.

But wait, guns don't kill people, people kill people.  FUCK THAT.  In countries where guns are not available death rates are dramatically lower.  Look it up.  Any rational person looking at the rates of gun violence in the US vs any other 1st world country (and many 2nd and 3rd) can see that eliminating or even reducing access to guns significantly impacts on gun violence.  This is not rocket science.  But what about the second amendment you say??  What about it?  What part of anyone and their dog being able to have as many guns as they want, says anything about a "well-regulated militia."  Pretty sure the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) didn't have this insanity in mind.

So many of the discussions that need to be had around mental health, race, poverty etc., are so critically important, but perhaps if we could get our heads out of the sand and get the weapons out of the conversation, we would actually have time to have these conversations.  Instead we are spending more and more time, mourning, praying and cleaning up the blood of innocents.  I'm pretty sure God is saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  When are we going to listen?

Perhaps the current crop of Graduates will be strong enough and smart enough to change things.  Right now I feel like we have failed them and left them with an awful mess to clean up.  If anyone can do it though, I bet they can.  I hope they can.

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

It will never be the same... and that's good.

I was so excited for Katy to get home last weekend after her first year at Luther College in Decorah, IA!  She has had such a great year and is turning into the confident, amazing young woman we always knew she would.
I forgot that when they come home they become their younger selves😏  I still do this when I return to my parents home in MN- while I'm 47, I find myself lounging on the couch and feeling a little like the teenager I was when I left home for college almost 30 years ago!  Andy did it when he came home after his first year.  Why did it surprise me this time?  I should have been more than ready!
We've shared texts, phone calls, messages of all sorts, and have increasingly become friends ~ this doesn't mean that I'm not still mom and she's still not my child though.

That first year out they stretch their legs and experience life without having to report in or follow someone else's rules and requests.  It's AWESOME!  They handle their own mistakes and figure out how to negotiate the world (at least a small piece of it!). Then, they come home.
There are house rules, there are shared chores, there are expectations and demands.  Ugh.  I wouldn't want to come home either!  It's not quite that bad, but there is negotiating that needs to happen and give and take on both sides.  Young people returning home need to realize that when you live with any group of people there are rules and norms and the ones at your family's home are different than those in a dorm.  Parents need to realize that their child is not a child any longer and to impose the rules and expectations of High School won't work.  Renegotiating how to live together is important and will help all members of the family enjoy the short time together.
Now if we figure all that out, I'll let you know!

We just celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday.  The weekend was super busy, so the best we could manage was a delicious dinner and cake with the family ~ Andy came home and our neighbors/family came to join us.  It was a day of up and down for my girl - she's excited and happy to be home, but misses her friends and "new" home terribly.  Along with that comes that angst that we will be hurt if she tells us that while she loves us more than anything, she'd really rather be with her friends.  Again, that's as it should be.
This whole process of growing up is about moving out and creating a life for yourself.  While I don't mean to imply that I don't want to see my children and have a connection to them while they create this life for themselves, I want them to know that I'll be fine.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the "Little House On the Prairie" books.  One of my earliest memories as a reader was reading "Little House In the Big Woods" and trying to wrap my brain around the idea that when they left the big woods they would most likely never see their grandparents again.  When you moved away, you MOVED AWAY.
In today's world of transportation and communications, it is easy to stay connected and in someways too easy.  I look around and see a lot of pressure to BE TOGETHER.  Again, I hope that I will always be a part of my children's lives, but I want them to follow their path wherever it takes them.  They need to live THEIR life, not mine.  Was it strange last Christmas when Katy was away from us? YES! Was it fine? YES.  She was having an experience and that's awesome!  As Andy considers his options for the future now that college is finished, some of those options might take him far away from us.  Is that a little sad for us? YES! Is it fine though? YES!

I want our children to remain connected to us because they love us and want to have a relationship with us, NOT because they feel obligated or required to.  While I am sometimes nostalgic for the past and thoroughly enjoy loving up other people's babies, I'm excited for the future! My children will have interesting, wonderful lives and Jeff and I will move onto the next phase of ours ~ that's the piece that really makes it exciting!  After a lifetime together, we are really just getting started!  We like each other more than ever and dream of the adventures WE will have and the life that WE will live as our children pursue their life journey.

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.