love and kindness

The last week has been rough. The fall-out from the shooting in FL has continued longer than other shootings and for that, I am strangely grateful. Perhaps if we keep up the pressure THIS will be the beginning of a change. I have been completely blown away by (but not surprised) by the power of the teenagers who have been mobilized. Articulate, smart, passionate and powerful. These are our future leaders. They are the reason that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how much despair I feel at the state of our country, I have hope.

The last few days have seen growing numbers of adults, gun owners and others, who are standing up and saying enough. Events have been planned - walkouts, vigils, marches. Phone calls are being made and postcards are being sent. November 2018 is around the corner and legislators who are in the pocket of the NRA should be quaking in their boots. Change is coming. We are waking up, standing tall and demanding that those we elected to serve us actually start to listen.

At the same time all this is going on, we have seen the 50th anniversary of the first American broadcast of Mr. Rogers. With that have been interviews, video clips, photos, remembrances. I grew up with Mr. Rogers. My children watched Mr. Rogers. My niece and nephew watch Daniel Tiger (a sweet show inspired by Mr. Rogers). Mr. Rogers was about love and kindness. Caring for your friends and yourself. Being kind to all. His gentleness and routine were soothing. We all need a little more "Mr. Rogers" in our life. There is so much hate and anger. Bitterness and suspicion are everywhere. Being cynical and world weary is normal while being innocent and hopeful is naive.

It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done. There is only so much money to donate, time to volunteer and resources to give. The number of causes can paralyze you. Where to focus?? Gun Violence? Immigrants? Women? People of Color? Education? Environment? It all seems to be too much.

We have to start with love and kindness. We need to listen and be open. We need to love people into doing what we want. The more we all dig our heels in and get angry and call names, the easier it is for the other side to turn away. People who preach hate and fear were once children who wanted to be loved. They are damaged. As hard as it might be, having conversations with those on the other side of the table through eyes of love just might allow those conversations to be more productive.

If each one of us were to wake up each day and move forward with the idea that love and kindness is on the agenda imagine the change. People are lonely and overwhelmed. They are fearful and hurt. We do not know the burdens that others carry, the wounds they are hiding. The smallest moments can make a difference. A smile, a hello, an acknowledgement. A handshake, a hug, and pat on the back. Looking someone in the eye and really seeing them - putting down our devices and really listening.

We have to rebuild our community - for so many reasons we have allowed ourselves to build walls around us that keep us from connecting with others.

Over the years, I've heard jokes about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and "won't you be my neighbor?" It can seem so simplistic and naive. Can it really be so simple? Love your neighbor. Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Be kind to everyone. Mr. Rogers continues to teach us everyday. There is a reason that 50 years later, a 3 minute video clip can bring many of us to tears. He's right. Regardless of what happens with gun control, one thing we can all do right now is stop fearing our neighbors and start loving them. All of them. People who are connected to friends and neighbors are less likely to hurt themselves or others. People who are connected are more likely to be identified by those who love them if there are concerns.

WE are responsible for each other. WE are called to care for each other. WE must do better.

love and kindness.

Connected and lonely

We are the most connected and at the same time, LONELIEST people ever. We spend hours a day connecting with thousands of people over social media while we are sitting alone. For teenagers and children especially this is not only sad, it's dangerous. More and more it is apparent that depression and anxiety, substance abuse and alcoholism are impacted by if not caused by loneliness and isolation. How is it possible to be so lonely when we can connect with virtually the whole world ANYTIME we want?

I have a love/hate relationship with FaceBook. I LOVE how I've been able to connect and re-connect with so many treasured friends from over the years. Living far away from family (including my daughters) it has given me a window into the lives of people I love and allowed me to feel like I'm not quite so far.

It is also a time suck and often a distraction from life. It has informed and confused, entertained and stimulated, challenged and frustrated.  I have been able to engage in political discussions like never before in my life and have begun actively sharing stories of love and positivity whenever I can. It has also shone a light on the ugliness and hate in the world and has become an echo chamber where we begin to hear more and more from those like us and less and less from those we disagree with.

Like so much of life, it's about moderation - too much of anything is a bad idea. The question is how do we find the right balance? How do we teach our children that face to face connections are still far more important and satisfying than living your life through a keyboard and a screen?

While there are many good things about being able to connect so widely, what is being lost? It doesn't matter if you have 2,000 FaceBook friends or 5,000 Instagram followers if you have no one to sit with when you're sad or celebrate with you when something wonderful happens. Humans are social creatures and we NEED contact. Not just through a computer, but real human contact. We need touch - a handshake, a hug, a pat on the back.

I worry about children who are not learning about things like making eye contact when they talk with someone. More and more I've noticed that many adults are terrible about introducing themselves or the people they are with. People don't want to shake hands because they will share germs. We are afraid to touch each other for so many reasons. The first few years we lived in Connecticut I thought it was just a New England thing, not knowing your neighbors. Now I hear it from so many areas. WE ARE LIVING IN ISOLATION AND IT'S DESTROYING US.

Our political climate doesn't help with connection - we are being told to believe that those who are different are to be feared. The division only grows when we move through life in a bubble, only making eye contact with those we know. Only saying hello to familiar faces.

I am an introvert by nature. It is HARD for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger. My mom and one of my daughter's are the complete opposite. They can engage in conversation with virtually anyone! Here's a curious thing though... Extroverts are by and large admired in our culture and Introverts are often considered shy or aloof. Extroverts are also more common. If this is the case, then what is so hard about making eye contact when you are walking down the road? Why would you not introduce yourself to someone you are having a conversation with? Why would you not say hello to the person standing in line with you at the grocery store? WHAT IS WRONG WITH  US? Are we so afraid of being rejected that we won't take a chance to reach out and connect?

This week is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS week. Perhaps we need to have a SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE YOU MEET week. When we make eye contact we acknowledge the very existence of the person we make eye contact with. When we say hello we take it up a level. When we take the time to listen to another person and give them the gift of our time we are saying "you are worthy."

Be present. Put your devices down. Pay attention to those around you. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Acknowledge their existence. See if it changes your perspective.

Perhaps if we spent more time face to face, the virtual relationships we have would take their place as a part of our social world rather than all of it. 

the work

I can't believe my last blog entry was in November! I've blogged about all kinds of things over the past 2 months in my head~ clearly I never actually typed anything up. From November through the holidays, I was on the hamster wheel - traveling, working, decorating, entertaining, having a full house, and on and on. Life was a little out of balance - temporary for sure, but still out of balance. There was no time for quiet. Many bits and pieces (including writing!) got forgotten.
I need quiet. I need to write. So over the last month the house emptied out and the travel was over for now. There has been lots of quiet, but no writing.

Sometimes, especially in the dark of winter, I just need to go through the motions. If I think too much I can go to dark, sad places. I get absorbed in the sadness and anger that is in the world and I feel responsibility to make it all better. This month, I cared for myself. I went to the gym and worked hard. I snuggled on the couch with the dogs and the husband and watched television and movies. I read. I made lists and checked off "tasks." The thinking I did allow myself to do was all around preparing for my first day long retreat "Refocus for the New Year."

At the retreat we explored the things that get in our way. The issues and "baggage" that keep us from moving forward with our lives. It was a powerful morning for me, witnessing the "stuff" of life that keeps us trapped. The afternoon was about moving forward and different strategies that can be helpful. It was a good day all around.

I've been frustrated over the past several months that I haven't moved forward as fast as I would like to with Coaching and Leading. I've gotten wrapped up in the practical issues and sabotaged lists and plans that will help me reach my goals. Today I had a moment during coffee with a dear friend when I realized that I HAVEN'T DONE SOME OF THE WORK THAT I ASKED PEOPLE TO DO AT THE RETREAT.

It has always been easy for me to be the "teacher" or the "leader." To be the one offering support. It is harder to be the participant. To be answering the difficult questions. Looking at the reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging what is holding me back and letting it go. If I truly want to share what I have to offer with the world I have to do the work. I need to take the time to answer the hard questions. I need to listen to what my purpose here is. I need to allow my light to shine.

Over the next month I'm going to commit to sitting down and writing. Answering some of those questions and letting go of some of my fears and worries. I want to be a source of love and support and guidance to whoever comes to me seeking it. To do that I need stop pretending and truly believe that I have much to offer.

As I prepared for the retreat, I did think about what holds me back. One of those things is the fear that people will figure out I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's the thing. I know that I DO know what I'm talking about. But, like many of you, there is this little voice inside my head that says "why would anyone listen to you?" I've heard it called Imposter Syndrome lately and there are lots of resources speaking to this, but none of them have quite banished the idea from my thinking. I've tried to do it myself by intellectualizing it. "You have years of school and experience, of course you know what you're talking about!" "But you never finished your licensure - you don't have a certificate, or a stamp of approval! Why would anyone listen to you???" Can you hear the conversation?

What I often forget is that what I bring to the table is more than just education and experience. It is passion for the work that I do. It is a commitment to helping others love themselves and live their best lives. It is a voice deep in my gut that says "you have a light to share with a dark world. why would you hide it?" I haven't spoken much about my faith life as I tend to be fairly private about it. I'm Lutheran after all... I often find myself struggling with the idea that anyone is listening to me when I pray. I forget that I need to take time to listen back to hear the answers.

As I write more this month I'm going to try to listen more as well - to carve out time for prayer, meditation, whatever. Time to sit quietly without the noise of the world to interfere.
My purpose is clear. To love and guide. To encourage and challenge. My path is still meandering. Thanks for walking by my side.

Today's the day...

The world has been crazy lately. I've taken a dive back into political activism. I'm horrified by some of the racist, white-supremicist, awful things that are taking up oxygen currently.
I'm also amazed at the kindness and beauty that continues to surround us all. The ugliness is getting a lot of air time, but the beauty and goodness will prevail.

I choose to believe this. Call me naive if you like, but I believe that there is more good in the world than bad. I won't believe otherwise. If I did, I'm not sure I could leave this morning to bring my youngest child (and her older sister) to college half-way across the country.

I know that there are good people EVERYWHERE and that if and when my newest chick to leave the nest needs help, guidance, support, ANYTHING, some good person will step up and help. It's what we do. It's what I have taught my children and it's what I have witnessed over my increasingly long life.

I'm not suggesting that there is not ugliness and hate in the world ~ our current political leaders lack of moral leadership seem to have brought much of the hate that has been simmering underground, to the surface. As much as it winds me up and stresses me out, maybe it's a good thing. It's easier to fight something you can see.

Like generations before us, we will look at those who would preach hate and violence, and we will continue to preach love and non-violence. Hopefully we will learn from our past before too much damage is done.

Here's what I want to tell my daughter as she heads out into this complicated world of ours.

LIVE your life. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or to get hurt. This is when we learn the most. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Believe in something bigger than yourself and trust that you are loved and cared for. Look for the Helpers. Mr. Rogers words continue to ring true. If you are afraid, or confused or just need a hand, look for the helpers. They're EVERYWHERE! Be a helper yourself.

Stand up for yourself and others. Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water and take your vitamins.

Don't forget to sleep.

Remember your hat when it's cold.

Never ever forget how very much I love you and how very proud I am of the powerful woman you are becoming.

Out of the Nest and into the World

May 31st my middle chick turned 21. June 12th my oldest chick turns 24. June 13th my youngest chick graduates from HS. Chick number 1 lives on his own. Chick number 2 will be home for just over a week before heading to NH for the summer and then back to IA for her Senior year of college. Chick number 3 leaves the end of June for NH and then to IA to begin college.

By the end of June my nest will be empty. Aside from visits home and perhaps a few months here or there when they need a place to "land," my chicks will be launched.

This whole blog began 6 or so years ago when Chick number 1 was a Senior in HS. When I look back I realize what an amazing journey it has been! I have grown and changed more since my children began their transition to adulthood than I ever imagined I would. My attitude towards life, politics, parenting and myself has grown-up along with them. I am both more AND less tolerant. I am more careful with my words, but more willing to share those I choose. I am more patient with children who are learning how to be in the world and less patient with grown-ups who don't know how to behave in the world. Mostly I love and appreciate myself and my life more and more everyday. I feel more responsibility to my local community and the worldwide community.

When I began writing it was about launching my children and myself into the world. Now I'm ready to share what I've learned to help others do the same.

I look forward to transforming the focus of Out of the Nest to helping other women both settle in to feel safe and supported, as well as brave and strong enough to jump out into the world when they are ready. I will be there to jump with you or to catch you.

Ready?

Don't mess with the Mama

In our backyard we have a pavilion - picture a 3 bay carport with a fireplace at one end. It sounds like an awesome outdoor living space, but really it's on it's last legs. What it does best is house the 10-12 nests that are built in it each Spring.

Every Spring my husband fights a losing battle with the Mama birds. They build the nests, he takes them down, they rebuild them faster and quickly lay their eggs. Before you know it there are baby birds cheeping away and I won't let him take the nests down anymore.

Those Mamas are a force to be reckoned with! They are absolutely confident that their nests belong in the eaves and no matter what happens they successfully launch dozens of baby birds every year!

As I'm working on developing my focus as a coach, I find myself looking more and more at ways to empower and strengthen women. Right now in our world it can seem terrifying to be a woman. The current political climate threatens to pull us backward. At the same time it is so exciting as more and more women are finding the confidence and strength to jump into the political fray. I'm confident that the current assault on women's rights and protections is a last gasp from an old guard. 

Women are like those mama birds; persistent and determined. No matter how many times we are pushed back, we will come back stronger than ever. We will become more efficient and connected. We will support each other, sharing ideas and resources to lift everyone up instead of stepping on others to move ourselves ahead.

This is the community I want to build. One that supports and empowers. One that reaches out to women of all demographics to give them confidence and support to trust themselves as they create a life for themselves and their families that feels good.

It's time for us to stop following rules that make no sense. It's time for us to create work and family structures that make sense in our world today, not try to fit into ones that worked 50 years ago. It's time to ask the question "why?" whenever someone says "because that's how we do it" or "because that's the rule." It's time for us to stand together as a community to make the world better for everyone, not just the privileged few at the top. Don't mess with the Mama.... She is stronger and more determined that you will every know.

Community

I've been trying to write since January 1.
It seems like a good day to post. I read several great blogs and editorials about resolutions, not making resolutions, hope for the future, despair for the future. There is always a plethora of posts about being healthy in the new year. Getting organized in the new year. Posts about depression. Posts about the election and upcoming inauguration... I couldn't hear my voice in the cacophony.

Since January 1st, one theme has popped out at me from a variety of places - the internet, books, friends, church - our need for community.

My son shared a NYT article on FB called  "How Social Isolation is Killing Us". It talks about how social isolation is as bad for our health and longevity as obesity and other health risks. He shared another research article a while back that looked at rats who were given the choice of plain water and water with cocaine. The hypothesis was that they would become addicted to the cocaine water. The rats were in two environments however, one with no "friends" and no stimulation and one with other rats and an interesting, rich environment to explore. Those living in a "community" did not become addicted to the cocaine water. More and more we are seeing that social connection is protective against addiction and other illnesses. I'm also currently reading "A Man Called Ove." For those of you who haven't read it, it's about a grumpy old man who's wife has passed away and he just wants to kill himself. There's more to it than that, but I'm only a few chapters in. Suffice it to say that the "community" keeps interrupting his plans.

Earlier this month two things impacted my "village" that continued to make me think about "community."

My middle child was driving with a friend from CT to IA to return to school. Not an easy drive when weather is precarious. I remembered that one of my dear friends from H.S. in Minnesota, lives about 3 minutes off I-80 in Ohio. I connected with her through the magic of Facebook, got her contact info to Katy and so she and her friend Diana had a warm, welcoming place to take a break after driving through lake effect snow. She welcomed them with drinks, sandwiches, hugs and a clean bathroom. That night my husband and I marveled at how amazing it is to have the "nationwide" community that we have. We or our children could go almost anywhere in the country and we would be able to connect with someone from our past or present. Someone in our "village."

Wednesday we got word that a long time church family friend had passed away. She was entirely too young at just 66, but we knew she had been ill for some time. While it was so sad, it was not unexpected. Over the next few days I found myself remembering Sue snuggling my children as babies. I remembered Christmas parties in her beautiful Victorian home that she and her husband lovingly restored. I remember knowing that she was one of those surrogate "aunties" for my children who's extended family was far away. She loved them, laughed at them and indulged them.

Sunday morning I walked into church and saw these people who I love. My community. I struggled all morning not to cry as every time I opened my mouth to speak or sing, I felt overwhelmed with love for them and sadness for us all at the passing of our friend. The sermon was about how we each have gifts to contribute to the community. The COMMUNITY.

I am so blessed to be a part of a wide range of "villages" and I treasure them all. I am more determined than ever to infuse my work and life with opportunities to give to my communities, to build communities for others to be a part of and to be watchful of those who don't seem to have their own. On the other side, we also have to be thoughtful about our communities and cannot allow ourselves to just blindly follow the direction our community is going. We all must participate and speak up.

When I think about what is most distressing to me about the current political climate, it is the division that is being stirred up. The President-elect and those he is choosing to surround himself with seem more focused than ever on dividing us through fear rather than uniting us through compassion and caring. Their focus seems to be destroying some of the very safety nets that define us as a national community - Repealing the current healthcare plan without a replacement will pull the net out from under millions of people who will lose their healthcare. This is just one example. More educated people than I have written about the ways that 2017 could destroy the progress we've made towards inclusiveness and equality for all.

A new community is rising that is not worthy of our support. You could call the KKK a community. Jonestown was a community. Charles Manson's "family" was a community. We must be vigilant that the communities we are a part of are working for the good of all. When communities rise around a demagogue or a theme of divisiveness and hate, there is something wrong. Some suggest that we must "come together" as a community to support the incoming administration. I would suggest that we must stand together against the "community" that is rising around the racism, misogyny, xenophobia and generalized hate and selfishness of our incoming president and his administration.

The communities I am a part of will stand up to care for, nurture, guide and support those who would fall. Next Saturday I will join a community of hundred's of thousands around the world, coming together to speak out and stand up for what is right. Some would say we are sore losers. Some would say we need to get over it and move on.

I would say we will never get over it. We will NEVER stop working for what is right. We will NEVER accept the lies and deception. We will rise as a community to create a world where all are valued, all are welcome, all are loved.

December 14th

Today is a Monday like many others. Everyone in the house is up early. My husband and daughter are out the door and I have a short time to soak in the rays from my HappyLight, check in on Facebook and take a quick peek at my e-mail.
Today is December 14th. It makes this Monday different. Today people throughout CT (and elsewhere) remember Sandy Hook.  We remember the 26 souls taken from the world by a lost and sick young man.  20 children, 6 teachers. Their deaths began a new age in our world, one where we don't feel safe even in the "safest" places.

3 years ago our middle child was struggling with mental health issues. Our December was completely absorbed in keeping her safe and getting her help. 3 years later she is thriving in college. She had access to good mental health services and she DIDN'T have access to a gun. If she had, we could have easily been mourning her suicide. If the murderer of Sandy Hook had better mental health services he may not have done what it did. If he did not have easy access to his mother's guns he would not have done what he did.  No one could have magically made him "better," but we could have prevented his access to guns.

3 years ago we all said "never again." the horror of school children being murdered seemed like more than enough to wake up the country to look seriously at gun control and mental health. While progress has been made, Since Sandy Hook it's not enough.  The Federal Government has been unable to make any progress, so any semblance of sanity on the issue of gun control/gun safety has fallen to individual states. Any progress is good, but as long as individual states have widely disparate laws, too many guns will continue to be available to those who want them.

Here's the problem though. When a "mass" shooting happens there is a lot of activity - statistics are thrown around, social media is busy with people on both sides of the issue. In the meantime, those who could make significant change in this land, don't. What we hear are excuses.  "It's not about guns, it's about mental health." "If more good guys had guns, we could beat the bad guys." "The second amendment protects my right to protect myself and my family." "More gun control won't work, 'cause the bad guys will get the guns anyways." After a week or so, the flurry of activity slows, we move on with our lives and wait for the next time we hear in the news "Mass shooting at a......."
Here's the thing.

"Mass shootings get all the attention, but they are a small part of the overall problem," "On the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting, about 90 other people died as the result of a shooting."(quote from the above link)

The number of people killed as a result of gun violence in this country outside the sensational shootings is not acceptable. Domestic violence, suicide, homicide, accidental.  Just the number of people who are injured or killed when a TODDLER comes across a gun and accidentally fires it should be enough for the powers that be to make some common sense reforms regarding the gun laws of the United States.   

Good Mental Health services continue to be difficult to come by even if you have resources. While progress has been made, there is still more to do.  The work that needs to be done will NOT be done until we value people over things.  As long as those in power value the almighty dollar more than the life of a child nothing will change.  Even when changes are made and those who need it get help, it will still take time. 

In the meantime, common sense gun reform nationwide, could make a huge impact.  To deny the progress made by neighboring countries is foolish.  Fewer guns = fewer gun deaths.  Will it prevent all gun deaths? No. Will reducing the number of guns end all mass shootings? No. Will reducing the number of guns in the US and requiring common sense protections like "smart technology," training, safe storage etc. significantly reduce the number of deaths due to gun violence. The numbers and the experience of Australia, the UK and Japan would suggest YES.

While I am horrified each time there is a mass shooting and December 14th will always be a sad day, I want to see change for the hundreds of thousands of individuals who deaths don't make the news or social media. 

Today on December 14th, I'm going to remember the 26 souls lost at Sandy Hook School, but I'm also going remember the 554 children under age 12 who have died since Sandy Hook due to intentional or accidental gunshots. I'm going to remember the 33,599 people who died LAST YEAR in the US due to gun violence. I'm going to remember the 497,632 people who have died because of guns since 1999. 

 I'm also going to pray for the souls of those who stand by and do nothing.

Gift of neighbors

Sunday was an awesome "re-set" day for me. I was wrapped up again in fretting and venting about things that are critically important, but out of my control. At least for now. I don't mean that I'm backing off on gun control, support for Planned Parenthood, or any of the other issues that are important to me right now, but sitting at my computer sharing everything I can find with mostly people who agree with me is not really a great use of my time!

Yesterday I started the day with some of my favorite people, leading the worship service at First Lutheran, followed by the fastest, most efficient committee meeting ever, followed by Christmas Caroling right in the neighborhood around our church building.  We have done Christmas Caroling in many ways over the years, sometimes going specifically to the homes of members of our congregation who can't get out anymore, or going to local nursing homes or assisted living facilities, but I can't remember ever going house to house in the neighborhood around our church.

Growing up, my family, along with many others, would go Caroling house to house. Many of you may remember similar experiences. We knew most if not all of our neighbors and knew they would welcome us. Somehow that seems less common.  To be honest, I was a little nervous. We had a number of very enthusiastic children with us and I didn't want them to get discouraged by closed doors. We've been members of First for 20+ years, but we don't know our "neighbors."

We quickly discovered there was nothing to fear!  While there were many neighbors who weren't home (it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon after all), those who were, welcomed us.  Several insisted on sending us away with treats and a few cars driving by stopped to listen.  We are not professional. We didn't rehearse.  We sometimes sang in a few different keys at the same time. No one cared!  We were sharing a gift with our neighbors and in their thanks, I was humbled. Holiday greetings were exchanged with great happiness.

There is so much emphasis on "not offending" anyone in our world today. What if we sing Christmas songs at the home of a Jewish family or a Muslim family? What if someone thinks we are trying to "convert" them? What if they don't like our singing? What if?

What happened to the idea of simply sharing our gifts with each other? When we work so hard to not offend, we build higher and higher walls between "us" and "them". The simple act of stepping off our church property and sharing our joy in the season with our neighbors was one of the most joyful things I've done in months! The smiles on the faces of our neighbors was a gift to us.

We cannot give in to a world that tries to tell us that we should fear our "neighbors." In a global society our neighbors are next door and around the world. Instead of fearing them, we must love them. When we assume the best in others, we are often rewarded with the best in return.

There will be times when a door will be shut, when a "neighbor" will disappoint. Doesn't this already happen though within our own families and communities?? We are all human and in our humanity we will fail and disappoint others. But, what if we lived our life assuming the best? What if instead of approaching strangers with the assumption that they should be feared, we approached them as a neighbor we haven't met yet?

We cannot control what happens out in the world, but we can control our reaction to it. If we react to terror with fear and hate, we do nothing to counteract it. If we respond with love and forgiveness we send a powerful message that those who perpetrate acts of terror or violence will not win.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather die with love and forgiveness in my heart than hate and fear.  

The new normal ISN'T NORMAL.

I'm so disgusted right now. Over and over again it happens. Innocent people are slaughtered right here in the "land of the free". Those who we have elected offer "thoughts and prayers" to those in Colorado Springs, Savannah, San Bernadino, and then go back to business as usual.

Right now I want to be writing about the holidays with my almost adult children. Thanksgiving was a warm up to Christmas and it is an interesting time to be a parent when your children come "home" to visit. I don't want to be talking yet again about the incredible stupidity of the country I live in. WHEN DO WE LEARN?

Yesterday my 16 year old posted the following on her FB page, "I think one of the saddest parts of the San Bernadino shooting today is that I'm no longer surprised by this kind of violence. I shouldn't be used to hearing about shootings. So incredibly sad and WRONG."

This child has grown up in a post-Columbine world. She has been struggling with increasing anxiety since she was 10. On the surface she has little to be anxious about. She is loved, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is kind, she works hard, she lives in a "safe" town with good schools, she is blessed. She has also grown up in a world that seems to be increasingly scary and unpredictable. It is no longer "when is the next shooting going to occur", the question is "where is it going to be today?" Of my three children she has grown up with the most media exposure from a young age. It's everywhere. School is also increasingly stressful (for many reasons) and does not appear to be any safer than any place else.

The facts say that she is still safer in our small town and in her school that in many places. Logic should tell her that she has little to fear and everything to look forward to. Facts and logic mean nothing when you have been in a state of fear and worry throughout your formative years.  Brains developing while under constant state of "preparedness" cannot possibly be optimal. How much of the dramatic increase in depression and anxiety among our children has as much to do with the "marketing" of our dangerous world? When they are bombarded with images of violence over and over, in places that "they could be" why wouldn't they begin to fear for themselves? If the messages they get from the adults in their world be in family members or the talking heads, is that "there is nothing we can do about 'it'" why wouldn't they begin to experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you are perpetually in a state of "fight or flight," your adrenaline levels stay high.  They aren't supposed to do this. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. It isn't normal for us to be in a state of "preparedness" ready to react at the slightest threat.

After a rough few days, H was showing signs of her normal, happy, goofy self. She made it through the school day without a text or a call home or a visit to the nurses office. The early part of the afternoon she was a joy. As the day progressed and she saw bits of news, scrolled through Facebook, watch a video on Syrian refugees and followed news reports on the events of San Bernadino, she began to wilt. Her stomach began to hurt, her fears of getting sick increased, her anxiety began to climb through the roof.

Strategies to calm her didn't work and finally her dad ended up sleeping in her room so she would feel safe. This morning despite a night of sleep she was still feeling miserable and stayed in bed. Another day of school will be missed.  How do I know this isn't just some virus? Because it happens with increasing frequency and we have explored all the possible "medical" explanations.  She is dealing with anxiety and physical illness is how it is expressed in her body. THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

At 16 her worries should be few - school, driving, boys, maybe thinking about college, what to wear. She should be spending increasing amounts of time with her friends, moving away from the "nest." Instead she is spending more and more time at home. She doesn't like to be alone at night. She worries about her own safety and the safety of her siblings who have left home. She worries about Syrian children who have nowhere to sleep and nothing to eat. She worries about other vulnerable populations who are bullied and abused. I might be projecting my own worries on her, but she worries about the world she is going to be responsible for. The world that will exist when she is "grown-up."

Right now it is too scary. She doesn't want to grow up. My smart, funny, talented, compassionate child is doing everything she can to not grow up. To not have to "leave the nest." I can't say I blame her. She is coming of age in a world full of hate and violence. A world where money and wealth appears to be valued over people. A world that doesn't seem to care about children or others who need our care.

It would be easy to say it's time to limit her media exposure. Tell her to stop watching the news. Tell her to stay off social media for a while. I want to protect her and surround her in a bubble of Christmas music and cookie baking.  I want to hide her from the world.

While we will have this conversation, I can't protect her from the world she lives in. Social media is a big part of that world and she needs to learn how to navigate through it.  Like her mom, she needs to learn when to "turn it off." We will continue to work with the different professionals in our life who are helping us develop strategies to deal with anxiety. We will breathe, journal, add yoga to our routine, continue to eat as healthfully as we can, find ways to serve others, and try to keep some perspective.

This is all a part of parenting for sure, and I know I have pretty tremendous kids. They all have a strong sense of responsibility to make the world a better place and I know they will. I just wish the world they were inheriting wasn't so f'ed up.

I am angry that instead of the fire drills and tornado drills of my childhood in MN, schools now have "active shooter" drills. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. I am angry that those in a position to learn from other countries who have successfully addressed these very issues, like Australia, insist on spouting the rhetoric of personal "rights" without taking responsibility for the safety of the community. I'm tired that the "rights" of the individual to own whatever gun they want, trumps the rights of my child (and yours) to have a childhood and to feel safe. I'm angry that everything comes back to the almighty dollar and whoever has the most money get's their way.

Like my daughter, I can so easily get overwhelmed by the horror and tragedy. As a grown-up I have to keep perspective. I have to model balance in my life and in my use of and access to Social media. I have to acknowledge that I can't fix everything. I need to take one small step at a time. There is so much good in the world and so many good people doing that good.  We need to see them and be them.  We need to shine a light on those doing good and also shine our own light.

In the Christian calendar we have just begun the season of Advent. A season of waiting and anticipating. We wait for the birth of Christ. The Light of the World. Here's the thing.  The light is already here - it's us. We can't just wait while we share our "thoughts and prayers." WE ARE THE LIGHT. When we accept responsibility for a broken world and dedicate ourselves to loving and healing it, then we welcome the Light. Only then will we truly welcome the Christ Child. Those who hate and condemn and judge seek to put the light out. While we wait in the darkness, we must shine a light.

What I believe...

I'm thinking about taking a breather from my personal FB page.  I love FB.  With family and friends all over the country it has been an amazing way to stay in touch, share ideas, laughs and information. The potential for social media to do good in the world by mobilizing like-minded people to work for change is amazing.  The potential for it to do bad is the same.

The hate and divisiveness that is showing up around the refugee crisis is so disheartening.  I keep sharing information that I secretly hope will encourage those who are afraid to consider what they are really doing when they lump millions of human beings in with a small percentage of extremists.  I should know better.

We see what we want to see and I am as guilty of this as anyone else.  The difference is that our "differences" are so much more present now with social media.  Even 10 years ago, I could be friends with someone who had very different political and social views than I, because we didn't discuss them, and if we did it was a respectful debate/discussion that didn't include inflammatory photos and graphics and manipulated statistics.

This past weekend I was ridiculously weepy~ lots of reasons contributed, but what put me over the edge was the realization that no matter what I believe, there will be other's who don't just disagree, but who will mock my beliefs.  I can either argue with them, ignore them, try to persuade them, or agree to disagree.  There are many things I can agree to disagree on, but some differences are so profound they have completely altered my perception of some of those who cross my "cyber-world."

The thing is, I can't just let it go. No matter what I see to the contrary I still have hope that we can come together as a global community.  I still have hope that the "good" people in the world far out-number the "bad."  I still believe that when faced with an unreasonable amount of evidence that contradicts one's belief system, that one person's mind can be changed.

Here is what I believe ~ take it or leave it.  Mull about it, think about it, comment on it (respectfully), absorb it.  Anyone who chooses to be rude, disrespectful, reactive etc.. will be dropped from any discussion.  I'm not up for it.  Besides, I'd have to unfollow you on FB and since I'm taking a break that would be a nuisance.

~Lumping all Muslims in the same category as ISIS is like lumping all Christians into the same category as the Westboro Church. Most Muslims abhor what ISIS stands for just as most Christians abhor what the Westboro Church stands for.

~The process refugees must go through to enter the US is arduous enough as it is and to suggest that we add a religious "test" to it is contrary to everything I have ever learned or know about "the land of the free." We were founded on principles of religious freedom - to practice the religion of your choosing or not.  We are a nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles, not a Christian nation despite the GOP's current attempts to have us believe otherwise. You know that whole "under God" thing in the Pledge of Allegiance?  Added in 1954. History of the Pledge of Allegiance

~When we reject those who need us most we send them back to the arms of those who hate us and wish us harm. ISIS would like nothing more than for the refugees to be shunned by the rest of the world so they have no where else to turn.

~We can't fight an ideological war just with violence.  We have to educate; we have to offer an alternative world view.  We have to offer a future to those who don't see one for themselves.

~We must examine our own hypocrisy.  If you say you are a Christian, that means you are a follower of Jesus.  Jesus tells us to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.  He doesn't say "love the neighbors who look like you, believe like you, live like you." Jesus made it a point to preach to more than just the chosen people; sometimes to the dismay of his disciples.  He tells us to LOVE. The Gospel in a word is LOVE - period.

~We can use these horrible events like the bombings in Beirut on Thursday and the killings in Paris last Friday, to separate us.  We can use them as an excuse to close our borders and our homes. We can use them as a reason to turn our backs on a world that doesn't look just like ours.  Or we can use them as an opportunity to unite with our fellow citizens around the world to fight extremism of all kinds.

~Call me naive, innocent, Pollyanna, whatever, but I believe, AND WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE, that love wins. Making decisions out of hate and fear will only lead to more hate and fear.  Making decisions out of love, kindness and compassion will lead to more love, kindness and compassion.  Yes, there are risks to making decisions out of love, kindness and compassion, but those risks pale in comparison to the consequences of making decisions out of hate and fear.

~When we realize that we are in more danger from the terrorists who look just like the "boy next door," or when we accept that we are more at risk of being killed by one of the obscene numbers of guns in our country, then maybe we will stop demonizing all the "others".  THERE ARE NO OTHERS.  We are all one people.    We all breath, eat, sleep, love, hate, live, and die.

It is so easy to be afraid.  It is so easy to react to those things that horrify and frighten us.  Life isn't easy.  It's not easy for the mother with the baby trying to escape to safety.  It's not easy for the homeless vet who's been forgotten.  It's not easy for the teenage boy who's been bullied one too many times.  It's not a contest, but let's be honest - our life in comparison?  Pretty freakin' easy. Challenging ourselves to be courageous and reject hate isn't easy when we are afraid, but it is the right thing to do. I will be grateful everyday for the challenges of life in my world.  I will pray everyday for those whose lives are so hard and I will speak up for them when I can.  I will speak up for the bullied child.  I will speak up for the homeless vet. I will speak up for the Syrian refugee.

Sometimes I see all the hate and violence in the world and I am overwhelmed.  I want to make it all better but I can't.  I need to filter what I see for a while and re-focus on what I can do right here.  How I can serve those right around me, how I can raise my children to be kind, compassionate, tolerant and loving.

I will post this on FB.  I will not discuss it there.  If you have comments or thoughts, please post them here on the blog.  Please do not be rude or disrespectful to me or other's who comment.  I'm thankful for thoughtful discussion.  I appreciate solid data. I look forward to other perspectives and conversation with people willing to be open-minded and consider all perspectives. 

being there

Luther College Graduation, May 1990

I've struggled with writing lately. Not sure why other than life is busy and it can be tricky to write about your experience launching your children into the world when they are struggling. I don't want to invade their privacy or share too much. I've dealt with that in the past by writing about my own journey out into the world as an entrepreneur and advocate. Even that has been tricky lately as I'm having my own struggles and am feeling the need to pull back on the sharing.

Last weekend was my 25th College Reunion.  I just felt a wave of nausea as I wrote that, but YES, I have been out of college for 25 years.  I really thought I would know what I was doing "when I grew up" by now, but I guess it's ok to be on a perpetual journey. It was a wonderful weekend shared with my partner in life who is also a Luther grad from the class of '90, but the best part of the weekend was reconnecting with friends I haven't seen.  One particular friend is pictured above and below.

25th College Reunion, Oct. 2015

Annie is one of my life long friends - we've know each other longer now that we didn't.  We met as 18 year old first year students and over the next 4 years, we lived together 2 years, sang together, laughed together, cried together, got drunk together, danced together, grew up together.

After college our paths were different - I dove right into marriage and children along with school and work.  Annie pursued her passion for music, studying and singing around the world.  We connected less often as our lives were so very different.  She got married when I was pregnant with my third child and we laughed that my children would be able to babysit her's.  As she entered the world of motherhood, we re-connected more often.  

Our lives have been busy and we live far apart, so we never see each other or talk as often as we would like.  We are often in different places politically, but our love for each other allows us to agree to disagree when necessary.  It is one of those friendships that can be dormant for weeks or months, but when the opportunity arises, it is like no time has passed.

Reconnecting this past weekend was particularly important as just a few days before Annie was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  When she first messaged me that she was having a suspicious lymph node removed and didn't know what the weekend would bring, all I could think about was how could I get to LaCrosse.  How could I be there for her.  There were days of worry about the actual diagnosis and then the severity and prognosis.  During that time my thoughts were with Annie and her husband and her 4 daughters.  The prognosis is excellent, so while the next 4 months will be unpleasant for sure, her Doctor is confident that she will be cured.  

This is when I hate being so far from "home."  I can't just bring a meal over or drive her to a chemo appointment or pick up her girls from a lesson or class.  I can pray and talk and maybe send a donation to help with extra costs, but I can't BE THERE. At least physically.  I can BE THERE in so many ways and when I stop having a pity party because I'm far away I remember that.

This is when the reality of life sets in.  The reality that we are getting older.  Our parents are getting older.  Our friends are getting older.  Each reunion will include more "in memoriams" to classmates who have passed away.  Each one will include more of us with parents who have passed away.  More of us will have struggled with our own illnesses.  

We will also be celebrating the graduations and marriages of our own children.  We will celebrate the births of grandchildren. We will become that next generation. 

I am grateful to have a wonderful life.  I am blessed with a husband I adore, children who are going to change the world, friends who love me (and I love back), an extended family full of amazing people and work that I love.  

It is so easy to get sucked into worrying about the little things, but so important to remember that life is not about the stuff or the money or the details.  It's about the people and the relationships.  It's about make the world a better place.  It's about caring for those who aren't as lucky as we are. It's about connecting and caring and BEING THERE.  Life is about love.

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

An empty nest... for now

This morning marks our first real glimpse at what an empty nest will be like someday.  Yesterday we dropped off Helen for 6 weeks as a CIT at Camp Calumet. We will see her for a few days in the middle at a family reunion, but for all practical purposes our nest is empty.  There are 3 bedrooms upstairs with no one sleeping in them.  Laundry will decrease, clutter will decrease, trips to Target will decrease. Quiet will increase, time will increase, projects will increase. Excuses to not get things done will decrease. Arms and legs twirling through the house will decrease.

MIXED EMOTIONS!

A week or so ago, Helen and I spent an afternoon bickering with each other and then went to see "Inside Out", the latest Pixar film.  Perfect movie for a 16 year old and her Mama to see when they've been fighting.  This latest milestone in her life (and ours) is full of mixed emotions ~
Joy! 
Spending a summer at Camp Calumet is something I wish everyone could do!  It is truly one of the most amazing places on the planet - For the past 15 years my family has been a part of this beautiful, loving community and I will forever be grateful that my children have had the benefit of being exposed to a place where love and acceptance is truly practiced 24/7.  It is not a perfect place, but in my experience it is as close as one can come to it.
Sadness... 
My youngest child's journey into the world is ramping up.  For both Andy and Katy, it seemed that beginning with their "trainee" summer, everything just moved faster and faster.  While I didn't want to hold them back I did sometimes want to "freeze" things for just a moment.  Like her brother and sister, Helen is more than capable of holding her own. Like them, she often seems to function better (or in a more adult like manner) when she is away from us. This is how it should be. I know this. I studied it in grad school. I'm still feeling a little sad that another chapter is beginning to wrap up.
Fear.
This has not been an easy year for my youngest.  She has struggled with anxiety that has manifested itself in all kinds of physical discomforts - headaches, nausea, the works. Changes in diet, vitamins, sleep habits etc. have all helped, and she is doing better overall, but knowing that I am 4 hours away makes me a little fearful.  I fear that she will give up on herself.  I fear that she won't trust those around her to help her. I fear that she'll be just fine and not need me (that's a hard one to admit!).

MIXED EMOTIONS!

I'm excited to have time to really dig into some of my own work without interruptions! I am excited to have time to enjoy my partner in crime and very best friend/husband/love of my life.  I'm aware that 6 weeks is really pretty short in the grand scheme of things, and it's not really 6 weeks. 3 of those weeks I'll be working hard, the next week I'll be singing with my Dad and my sisters at our own camp followed by a family reunion. 1 more week to get my act together then I will join my girls at Calumet on staff for 2 weeks.
It is still more time than we've ever had where we are only responsible for ourselves. I don't want to waste it!  Time to make a list and enjoy the "rehearsal" as the final production is only a few years away...

It will never be the same... and that's good.

I was so excited for Katy to get home last weekend after her first year at Luther College in Decorah, IA!  She has had such a great year and is turning into the confident, amazing young woman we always knew she would.
I forgot that when they come home they become their younger selves😏  I still do this when I return to my parents home in MN- while I'm 47, I find myself lounging on the couch and feeling a little like the teenager I was when I left home for college almost 30 years ago!  Andy did it when he came home after his first year.  Why did it surprise me this time?  I should have been more than ready!
We've shared texts, phone calls, messages of all sorts, and have increasingly become friends ~ this doesn't mean that I'm not still mom and she's still not my child though.

That first year out they stretch their legs and experience life without having to report in or follow someone else's rules and requests.  It's AWESOME!  They handle their own mistakes and figure out how to negotiate the world (at least a small piece of it!). Then, they come home.
There are house rules, there are shared chores, there are expectations and demands.  Ugh.  I wouldn't want to come home either!  It's not quite that bad, but there is negotiating that needs to happen and give and take on both sides.  Young people returning home need to realize that when you live with any group of people there are rules and norms and the ones at your family's home are different than those in a dorm.  Parents need to realize that their child is not a child any longer and to impose the rules and expectations of High School won't work.  Renegotiating how to live together is important and will help all members of the family enjoy the short time together.
Now if we figure all that out, I'll let you know!

We just celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday.  The weekend was super busy, so the best we could manage was a delicious dinner and cake with the family ~ Andy came home and our neighbors/family came to join us.  It was a day of up and down for my girl - she's excited and happy to be home, but misses her friends and "new" home terribly.  Along with that comes that angst that we will be hurt if she tells us that while she loves us more than anything, she'd really rather be with her friends.  Again, that's as it should be.
This whole process of growing up is about moving out and creating a life for yourself.  While I don't mean to imply that I don't want to see my children and have a connection to them while they create this life for themselves, I want them to know that I'll be fine.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the "Little House On the Prairie" books.  One of my earliest memories as a reader was reading "Little House In the Big Woods" and trying to wrap my brain around the idea that when they left the big woods they would most likely never see their grandparents again.  When you moved away, you MOVED AWAY.
In today's world of transportation and communications, it is easy to stay connected and in someways too easy.  I look around and see a lot of pressure to BE TOGETHER.  Again, I hope that I will always be a part of my children's lives, but I want them to follow their path wherever it takes them.  They need to live THEIR life, not mine.  Was it strange last Christmas when Katy was away from us? YES! Was it fine? YES.  She was having an experience and that's awesome!  As Andy considers his options for the future now that college is finished, some of those options might take him far away from us.  Is that a little sad for us? YES! Is it fine though? YES!

I want our children to remain connected to us because they love us and want to have a relationship with us, NOT because they feel obligated or required to.  While I am sometimes nostalgic for the past and thoroughly enjoy loving up other people's babies, I'm excited for the future! My children will have interesting, wonderful lives and Jeff and I will move onto the next phase of ours ~ that's the piece that really makes it exciting!  After a lifetime together, we are really just getting started!  We like each other more than ever and dream of the adventures WE will have and the life that WE will live as our children pursue their life journey.

enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.

dreaming...

For 20+ years I've imagined a place where children and families come together to learn, grow, play, have fun, make music etc... Over that time it's taken different forms, starting as a space with more of a therapeutic tone and evolving to be more of a community of like minded folks making music, playing and learning from each other.

The dream percolates for a few months and then fades away.  Every 4-5 years it has re-surfaced in a slightly revised form, but each time, it has faded back into the woodwork.

When I began my work with Music Together, the element of music and play began to take more of the focus.  I opened a storefront in Tolland and dove in!  For three years I continued teaching Music Together and explored various other ways of using my little space - drum circles, family events, workshops, theatre classes etc.. All were fun, none were consistent.  After 3 years I decided I couldn't commit to the overhead any longer as I had "failed" to see my dream come true.

Looking back, I know I didn't "fail" so much as I made life choices that made it clear the time was not right.  I wanted to be around for my children, I loved teaching more than "managing" and I didn't really care about anything besides Music Together so why not just do that?  I decided that while the dream was lovely, I didn't want it enough (or have the skills needed) to make it happen, so I pushed it away and moved on.

Several years passed and I happily taught in a number of spaces, but that gets old ~ getting in the car and having to remember where I was going on any given day taxed my attention challenged brain.  Then, along came a charming toy store with a lovely event room! At Kiddy Korner I was able to teach as many classes as I could fill.  I had storage, I had people to chat with between classes.  I had the best of both worlds!  A central location where I could offer as much as I wanted, without the risk of overhead etc... I paid my "rent" when I used the space and didn't even have to clean the bathroom!

2 years passed though and the toy store closed ~ tough business in any town, but especially in a little town.  I couldn't go back to being an itinerate music teacher and the dream bubbled up again.  Maybe this time, with more experience and business savvy, I could bring my place to life!  Well-negotiated rent, cute space, awesome signage~  back into business.

Here we are now, 2 and a half years in and I could be thinking that while classes are going well, I'm still on my own and that's not what I want.  Maybe when my lease is up, I should close up and go back to traveling or maybe get a grown up job.  This should be the time that the dream melts back into the background again.

Instead of melting though it's bubbling furiously!  Imagine a space in the center of town that would be part music/arts studio with Music Together, private lessons, arts classes of all sorts, movement and yoga classes and part coffee shop/juice bar/gathering place?  Imagine a comfy space that could be used by moms and dads in the mornings with little ones, to gather to talk and play and learn.  The same space could be used for gathering after school for homework, tutoring, lessons, or just hanging out by students.  The SAME space could evolve in the evenings to hold mtgs, host open stage evenings or private events.  I'm dreaming day and night of this magical community but what holds me back is fear.  Fear that I'll fail.  Fear that I can't do it.  Fear that while I think it's a brilliant idea, I'll dive in, open the doors and NO ONE WILL COME.

I don't often ask for feedback on this blog, but here's what I want to know.  Can you see it too?  Do you want to be a part of it?  Would you come?  Would you bring your friends?  Maybe if it becomes not just MY dream, but the dream of a group of people, it won't be so scary.  Maybe this time the dream will bubble up into something truly delicious and amazing.

Christmas time is here...

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all the children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

This is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I never get tired of it.  The meaning has changed over the years for me though and this year my soul responds more than ever to the melancholy tune of the song.  I'm sure it's been analyzed to death and I know that one of the reasons Charlie Brown and his friends endure is that they are so much more than characters in a cartoon storyline for kids.  

Christmas is changing for us this year in many ways.  It is the first year one of our children will be away from us~ Katy will be with the Luther Swim and Dive team in San Diego.  It is an awesome opportunity for her to really "dive" in to her sport and connect on a deeper level with her teammates.  We are lucky enough to have best friends who will be in Southern California with family so she will spend Christmas Eve and Day with them.

Andrew is in a house this year with people he really enjoys and will just be with us for a few short days.  

Helen and Jeff and I will head to Canada for a few days to see grandparents and cousins, but it will be quick and there will be some empty seats.

I just re-read that line and feel almost ashamed.  My empty seats are temporary.  Another holiday, another family trip or dinner, they will be full again.  What about the seats at the tables of the families in Sandy Hook?  What about the tables of the families of the police officers in Brooklyn?  There are thousands of seats that are empty forever because a vocal minority thinks that their right to own guns designed to kill people is more important than a human life.  

During this season of Advent and Christmas we are all waiting for something.  Those of us who celebrate the birth of Christ wait and watch.  We anticipate the birth of the Christ Child come to bring light back to a dark world.  Those who celebrate a secular Christmas wait and prepare for a time of giving and celebrating ~ they celebrate the light too, just with a different focus.  With the passing of the Winter Solstice, we embrace the reality that our days will get longer and the sunlight will return to us.  We all wait.

As my children grow and go out into the world, I will always wait for them to come home.  Their seats at the table will be there waiting for them.  I will always feel some relief when my table is full.  The families who have empty chairs that will never be filled again?  I hold them in my heart and I promise that I will continue to speak on their behalf.  I will continue to argue on the side of common sense and justice and kindness.  I will stand with those who will remember the faces of ones who will never come home and I will love them.

Waiting for my children to come home is pretty passive though.  I can simply wait and welcome them when they are here.  I can make it a welcoming place to come, but in the end, as they grow, they decide when to come take their place at the table.  I watch and wait.  

Waiting for Christmas and the symbolic celebrations involved can be passive to.  We are actively involved in all the "fluff" around the celebrations, shopping, baking, wrapping, but waiting for the days to grow longer, or waiting to be reminded of the birth of the Christ Child is passive.

Watching and waiting can be good in a way, but sometimes action is better.  We need to be actively loving others and bringing light to the world.  We are the light.  We must be the light.  We are called to be the light. When do we own our power to light up our world with love and kindness?  To hold those who are suffering?  Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless.  

Being a light in a dark world can be hard work, but it's better than watching the darkness spread.  

Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

Choices, obstacles and getting out of my own way

Yesterday I read a blog post of a friend of mine, gaylestales.blogspot.com, and was inspired to think about my own choices.  Like me, Gayle has a small business of her own and while it's a different kind of business, we have similar freedoms and restrictions that come with being a small business owner.

As a small business owner I choose whether to grow my business or not.  I choose when I work and when I don't.  I choose whether I hire others or do it myself.  There's a lot of choices.  Sometimes I wish I had a boss so I didn't have to make all the choices.

I have a 6 month cycle that I seem to follow ~  for 6 months I'm energized and focused and full of ideas and passion for building and growing my little music and arts community.  Then for 6 months I slide down, forgetting to follow up on ideas, make things happen, follow through.

This has gone on for years now.   I'm certain it is irritating to many of those close to me.  It makes me crazy!  I end up in the same place each time.  "If only I had a partner who liked the business side of things."  "If only I had some capital to invest in growing."  "If only..."  If only I put on my big girl pants and got out of my own way.

I think I'm afraid of some of the choices I'm faced with.  Figuring out why is the hard part.  I routinely come back to the big question:  Do I really dive in and grow my business or do I accept how it is now and maintain it?  The answer has almost always been DIVE IN!  The ideas start flowing, the energy gets going and then...

"Look, there's a chicken!"  The distractions begin.  The "what if's?" join in.  The "I don't know how to do that" starts up.  One by one the ideas and the energy get diverted into other things.  The list of excuses grows and grows.

The worst thing that would happen if I really committed to growing my business and making my vision a reality is that it wouldn't grow and I'd have what I have now.  A sweet, lovely little business that needs a little financial attention.  Not the worst thing in the world.

But what if I really did it this time?  What if I got out of my own way and actually did the things on the list?  What if I found the people to help with the tasks I hate and then actually gave them the power to do them?  What if I stood up, behaved like the smart, energetic, passionate small business owner I am and allowed my ideas and energy to come together to grow the vibrant music and arts community I see in my dreams?

I would have to make the choice to believe in myself.  I think that's the most difficult one.  I don't know why.  I'll add it to my list and maybe figure it out tomorrow.

end of the year

This is my last post of 2103.  This year is winding down and I'm ready.  I just watched a brief story on some of the families from Sandy Hook.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of that terrible day one year ago when we witnessed unspeakable horror as a sick young man mowed down 20 babies and 6 brave teachers with weapons he shouldn't have ever had access to.
As that was all unfolding we were in our own personal hell as our sweet 16 year old was struggling with her own demons that threatened to take her away from us.  I sat in my car listening to the news as the death toll rose in Sandy Hook and at the same time waited in fear that my phone would ring with terrible news.
This year has been filled with grief and loss and fear.  Rather than help my children launch I have wanted to bring them back in and shelter them from an increasingly frightening world.
At the same time we struggled to hold it all together, our dear friend Ellen was fighting a much too short and terrible battle with cancer, passing away February 26th.  We grieved again.
With the help of friends and family and doctors we began to pull it together.  For Mother's Day we brought a silly little puppy who we named Thor into our life.  He has brought laughter, love and much joy to our life.  His penchant for eating rugs, baskets, and anything else has reminded us that it's just "stuff" and while we look forward to the day when he outgrows the puppy "chewing" stage, for now it's just "stuff."
I began to release my hold on my children and they made it through the summer dealing with their own mistakes in ways that we could be proud of.
August 16th as we celebrated the end of another awesome summer at Camp Calumet, we received the unbelievable and terrible news that Jeff's Dad had suffered a massive heart attack at 72 and died.  Never in a million years could we imagine that he wouldn't live into his 90's like his mother, Grandma Eleanor, who is still with us at 96.  We were thrown back into grief and sadness just when we were getting our footing back.
The year since then has been more or less normal ~ Our children are finding their way and I am so very proud of the people they are becoming.  Jeff and I are a little worse for wear and with 2014 will work towards taking better care of ourselves.
I'm tired.  I forget that I don't have to do this alone.  My family is surrounded by people who love us and care for us.  I forget that I believe in a God who is loving and kind.  I'm not always sure he (or she) is there, but when I find my faith, I feel calmer and more able to cope.
I'm angry with those who are in power but who do nothing to create a system of care for those who most need it, while filling their pockets with whatever they want.
I am grateful that the children I am sending into the world are more focused on social justice and peace than on accumulating stuff.
I'm hopeful that as this terrible year ends, the days will begin to get longer, the sun will shine and love will win.
I am thankful for the many blessings in my life ~ a partner who is always there for me, children who I love more and more everyday, family and friends who will never let me sink into despair, work that brings me joy.
I know 2014 will be a good year.  I will choose hope and joy and will spread it around liberally.
Like the families of Sandy Hook, I will choose LOVE.