Today's the day...

The world has been crazy lately. I've taken a dive back into political activism. I'm horrified by some of the racist, white-supremicist, awful things that are taking up oxygen currently.
I'm also amazed at the kindness and beauty that continues to surround us all. The ugliness is getting a lot of air time, but the beauty and goodness will prevail.

I choose to believe this. Call me naive if you like, but I believe that there is more good in the world than bad. I won't believe otherwise. If I did, I'm not sure I could leave this morning to bring my youngest child (and her older sister) to college half-way across the country.

I know that there are good people EVERYWHERE and that if and when my newest chick to leave the nest needs help, guidance, support, ANYTHING, some good person will step up and help. It's what we do. It's what I have taught my children and it's what I have witnessed over my increasingly long life.

I'm not suggesting that there is not ugliness and hate in the world ~ our current political leaders lack of moral leadership seem to have brought much of the hate that has been simmering underground, to the surface. As much as it winds me up and stresses me out, maybe it's a good thing. It's easier to fight something you can see.

Like generations before us, we will look at those who would preach hate and violence, and we will continue to preach love and non-violence. Hopefully we will learn from our past before too much damage is done.

Here's what I want to tell my daughter as she heads out into this complicated world of ours.

LIVE your life. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or to get hurt. This is when we learn the most. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Believe in something bigger than yourself and trust that you are loved and cared for. Look for the Helpers. Mr. Rogers words continue to ring true. If you are afraid, or confused or just need a hand, look for the helpers. They're EVERYWHERE! Be a helper yourself.

Stand up for yourself and others. Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water and take your vitamins.

Don't forget to sleep.

Remember your hat when it's cold.

Never ever forget how very much I love you and how very proud I am of the powerful woman you are becoming.

2016 - the year of being "present"

Just like that another year has passed. I want to have something awesome to say. I don't. Several times over the last few weeks I thought about writing, but between college kid coming home, concerts, a Nutcracker performance, grown-up kid coming home, Christmas festivities, driving to Western NY, wedding festivities, driving to IA, celebrating New Years Eve, grown-up kid leaving for Puerto Rico, driving back from IA, and getting husband and youngest back to school, my brain has been full of lists and to-do's instead of thoughts and ideas.
Honestly it's better that way at this time of year. Even though everyday is slightly longer, it's still dark. I'm beginning to emerge from my annual winter "dip" but like the sun, it takes time for my energy and enthusiasm for life to really get back to speed. Too much time to "think" sends me into a pit, while a list of things to check off keeps me going.
Every January I want to start fresh. I make lists and goals and create strategies and plans. Some years I do better than others at reaching those goals. We all do. Some years I look at last year's goals and realize they were left behind in January. That's what happened this year.
Last January, I started out with a focus and commitment to really dig in and grow my business. I created 1 year and 5 years goals and wrote out actions steps. Goals not met, action steps? Some completed. Many not. Last January I started with a plan to reduce our debt. This January? Debt level is the same (or higher if I'm really honest). Last January I committed to working out and losing those last annoying 20 lbs. Worked out more than in 2014, lost 10 lbs., but bailed the last 4 months of the year.

This January I'm doing it differently. Lately I've been trying to find ways to help my youngest spend less time mourning the loss of her past, less time worrying about her future and more time living in her present. I've ignored the fact that that's exactly what I do. It's not what I SAY, but it's what I DO. I talk about how things used to be as much as the next person. "When we were kids..." "When I was in school..." "When I was younger..." I endlessly worry about the future. What's going to happen to my business? What are my children going to end up doing? What am I going to be when I grow up? How will we ever pay off our debt? What if? What if? What if?

When we spend all our time worrying about what was true or what will be true, we miss what IS true.

Here is my list of "what is true"

~ I am in a loving supportive marriage with my best friend.
~ I have raised three healthy, quirky, interesting, compassionate children.
~ I have work that is important, powerful and ridiculously fun to do.
~ I have an extended family spread around the country full of people who love me.
~ I have a warm place to live.
~ I have delicious food to eat.
~ I have clothes to wear.
~ I have a strong body that allows me to dance, play, work and serve.
~ I have a crazy dog who is always up for a snuggle.
~ I have friends who love me and who are there whether I need a hug or a kick in the pants.
~ I have more resources available to me than the average person.
~ I have an amazing life full of blessings.

This January I will look back briefly. There is a place for looking at where we've come and what we've done. This January though, instead of saying to myself "I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I didn't get that done..." I'm going to say "here's what I want to continue working on and here's what I'm going to let go."
This January I will look forward and set some goals for myself. I will create some action plans and to-do lists. I may find a place to put them so I don't lose them so quickly, but as life moves on I will tweak and edit these guides as life dictates.
New this January will be a commitment to look at "what is true TODAY." I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I was so busy looking behind me and ahead of me that I missed what was right in front of me.

Life is about change. Change can be good, change can be bad.  The one thing that is consistent in life is change. So much of life is out of our control. The one thing in life that is completely in our control is how we react to it. We choose how we live our life. We choose how we react to changes, good and bad. We choose how we react to challenges. We can choose to be overwhelmed and defeated or we can choose to shake it off, stand up and move along. We can choose to get stuck in the past, overwhelmed by the future or absorbed in the present. We get to choose to be reactive or proactive, sad or happy, negative or positive. We choose how we live today.

2016 - the year of being "present".

Gift of neighbors

Sunday was an awesome "re-set" day for me. I was wrapped up again in fretting and venting about things that are critically important, but out of my control. At least for now. I don't mean that I'm backing off on gun control, support for Planned Parenthood, or any of the other issues that are important to me right now, but sitting at my computer sharing everything I can find with mostly people who agree with me is not really a great use of my time!

Yesterday I started the day with some of my favorite people, leading the worship service at First Lutheran, followed by the fastest, most efficient committee meeting ever, followed by Christmas Caroling right in the neighborhood around our church building.  We have done Christmas Caroling in many ways over the years, sometimes going specifically to the homes of members of our congregation who can't get out anymore, or going to local nursing homes or assisted living facilities, but I can't remember ever going house to house in the neighborhood around our church.

Growing up, my family, along with many others, would go Caroling house to house. Many of you may remember similar experiences. We knew most if not all of our neighbors and knew they would welcome us. Somehow that seems less common.  To be honest, I was a little nervous. We had a number of very enthusiastic children with us and I didn't want them to get discouraged by closed doors. We've been members of First for 20+ years, but we don't know our "neighbors."

We quickly discovered there was nothing to fear!  While there were many neighbors who weren't home (it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon after all), those who were, welcomed us.  Several insisted on sending us away with treats and a few cars driving by stopped to listen.  We are not professional. We didn't rehearse.  We sometimes sang in a few different keys at the same time. No one cared!  We were sharing a gift with our neighbors and in their thanks, I was humbled. Holiday greetings were exchanged with great happiness.

There is so much emphasis on "not offending" anyone in our world today. What if we sing Christmas songs at the home of a Jewish family or a Muslim family? What if someone thinks we are trying to "convert" them? What if they don't like our singing? What if?

What happened to the idea of simply sharing our gifts with each other? When we work so hard to not offend, we build higher and higher walls between "us" and "them". The simple act of stepping off our church property and sharing our joy in the season with our neighbors was one of the most joyful things I've done in months! The smiles on the faces of our neighbors was a gift to us.

We cannot give in to a world that tries to tell us that we should fear our "neighbors." In a global society our neighbors are next door and around the world. Instead of fearing them, we must love them. When we assume the best in others, we are often rewarded with the best in return.

There will be times when a door will be shut, when a "neighbor" will disappoint. Doesn't this already happen though within our own families and communities?? We are all human and in our humanity we will fail and disappoint others. But, what if we lived our life assuming the best? What if instead of approaching strangers with the assumption that they should be feared, we approached them as a neighbor we haven't met yet?

We cannot control what happens out in the world, but we can control our reaction to it. If we react to terror with fear and hate, we do nothing to counteract it. If we respond with love and forgiveness we send a powerful message that those who perpetrate acts of terror or violence will not win.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather die with love and forgiveness in my heart than hate and fear.  

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.

dreaming...

For 20+ years I've imagined a place where children and families come together to learn, grow, play, have fun, make music etc... Over that time it's taken different forms, starting as a space with more of a therapeutic tone and evolving to be more of a community of like minded folks making music, playing and learning from each other.

The dream percolates for a few months and then fades away.  Every 4-5 years it has re-surfaced in a slightly revised form, but each time, it has faded back into the woodwork.

When I began my work with Music Together, the element of music and play began to take more of the focus.  I opened a storefront in Tolland and dove in!  For three years I continued teaching Music Together and explored various other ways of using my little space - drum circles, family events, workshops, theatre classes etc.. All were fun, none were consistent.  After 3 years I decided I couldn't commit to the overhead any longer as I had "failed" to see my dream come true.

Looking back, I know I didn't "fail" so much as I made life choices that made it clear the time was not right.  I wanted to be around for my children, I loved teaching more than "managing" and I didn't really care about anything besides Music Together so why not just do that?  I decided that while the dream was lovely, I didn't want it enough (or have the skills needed) to make it happen, so I pushed it away and moved on.

Several years passed and I happily taught in a number of spaces, but that gets old ~ getting in the car and having to remember where I was going on any given day taxed my attention challenged brain.  Then, along came a charming toy store with a lovely event room! At Kiddy Korner I was able to teach as many classes as I could fill.  I had storage, I had people to chat with between classes.  I had the best of both worlds!  A central location where I could offer as much as I wanted, without the risk of overhead etc... I paid my "rent" when I used the space and didn't even have to clean the bathroom!

2 years passed though and the toy store closed ~ tough business in any town, but especially in a little town.  I couldn't go back to being an itinerate music teacher and the dream bubbled up again.  Maybe this time, with more experience and business savvy, I could bring my place to life!  Well-negotiated rent, cute space, awesome signage~  back into business.

Here we are now, 2 and a half years in and I could be thinking that while classes are going well, I'm still on my own and that's not what I want.  Maybe when my lease is up, I should close up and go back to traveling or maybe get a grown up job.  This should be the time that the dream melts back into the background again.

Instead of melting though it's bubbling furiously!  Imagine a space in the center of town that would be part music/arts studio with Music Together, private lessons, arts classes of all sorts, movement and yoga classes and part coffee shop/juice bar/gathering place?  Imagine a comfy space that could be used by moms and dads in the mornings with little ones, to gather to talk and play and learn.  The same space could be used for gathering after school for homework, tutoring, lessons, or just hanging out by students.  The SAME space could evolve in the evenings to hold mtgs, host open stage evenings or private events.  I'm dreaming day and night of this magical community but what holds me back is fear.  Fear that I'll fail.  Fear that I can't do it.  Fear that while I think it's a brilliant idea, I'll dive in, open the doors and NO ONE WILL COME.

I don't often ask for feedback on this blog, but here's what I want to know.  Can you see it too?  Do you want to be a part of it?  Would you come?  Would you bring your friends?  Maybe if it becomes not just MY dream, but the dream of a group of people, it won't be so scary.  Maybe this time the dream will bubble up into something truly delicious and amazing.

Who decides?

A New Year...  2015 is the year to just do it.

Sitting here at my computer with my HappyLight and my coffee I'm having moment of nostalgia.  Seeing posts on FB about sledding being banned as I'm watching the snow fall out my window makes me sad and annoyed.  More and more I find myself thinking "back in the day," or "when I was a kid" or even "when my kids were little".  The decision makers, national and local, seem to be more and more confused about what their jobs are.  We can't possibly make laws that keep people safe from guns or starvation, but you better not let your child play alone in a park or go sledding.  We will also make all medical decisions for you and your children too.  I'm really troubled by two stories in CT lately.  I'm all about getting good medical care for you and your children, but when the state begins to take children away because a parent (or older child) wants to make a choice that they disagree with, it's a little scary.  A frightening slippery slope.

When I started typing this morning, I hadn't intended to go this direction, but clearly it's what is on my mind!  The current story about the 17 year old with Hodgkins Lymphoma is so troubling.  I'm not making any judgements about whether she should or shouldn't have chemotherapy, but the idea that she has been removed from her mother's custody and is being forced to have chemotherapy against her will is very troubling to me.  Have they consulted alternative medicine practitioners?  While chemo is often the treatment of choice, it is not the only choice.  Also, in a few months when she is 18, this young lady will be able to decide for herself.  What makes those few months magical?  Is it worth the cost and trauma to "force" her to undergo treatment that she does not want?  Really difficult decisions, but not ours to make.
The other story is the one surrounding a very sick little boy.  Jaxon Gilmore is medically frail and while he has a Grandmother and other family members who are willing and able to care for him, because there has been some disagreement about his care the state has taken custody.  Again, I don't know all the details of this case, but this is a little boy who is going to die at some point, sooner rather than later.  His extended family wants to care for him and is willing and able to do so.  What is the problem?  https://www.change.org/p/dannel-malloy-bring-jaxon-gilmore-home
While both of these situations are complicated, there is one simple commonality.  Two families have had their ability to make decisions and care for their children taken away from them.  These are not families who have been abusive, who are living on the street, or otherwise need desperate help.  These are two medically complicated situations where the people who should be integrally involved in the making of those decisions have been pushed out.  While it feels sordid to talk about money and children's lives, there is the reality that the cost for litigation and medical care for both of these children is probably enormous and perhaps finding a way to support these families through would be less expensive both in terms of money and emotional/physical trauma.
Again, I will be clear that I don't know all the details of either of these cases, and don't pretend to know what I would do if I were the state or the families in question.  I do know that there appears to be an increasing level of intervention into the most personal decisions of families.  We fight about birth control and abortion, intimate choices that determine when families even begin.  The hypocrisy is everywhere.  "You must have that baby, but once you have it, we aren't going to give you any assistance; you're on your own."
Everyday we hear cases where children have died or been abused at the hands of their caregivers.  Everyday we hear of children who have been shot accidentally or intentionally with guns in their homes.  My cynical side notices that the children who have died due to abuse or neglect are often from families who are torn apart by poverty, drug abuse, etc...  They have often been on the radar for a long time.  There is no money to be made from helping these children.  The children killed by their parents or caregivers guns?  Terrible tragedies, but we couldn't possible strengthen gun laws or even require safety equipment on guns that would make it impossible for many of those accidents to happen.  That wouldn't be right.  The gun lobby would also be pissed and maybe take their money elsewhere.  Children from loving families who are making alternative decisions about medical care?  How dare they!  We know what's best and we will make the decisions.
Parents being arrested for letting their children play in a park, sledding in public places being banned.  What's next?
I think back a few years to when Jeff and I made a decision "against medical advice" for one of our children.  We were confident in our decision and the Doctor who didn't know us or our daughter from a whole in the wall had us sign all kinds of paperwork and made dire warnings that we wouldn't be able to get care at that particular hospital if the situation arose again.  I guess we are lucky that custody of our child was not taken away from us.
Who decides "who knows best"?  Our laws should be in place to protect and serve.  To support and guide.  NOT to terrorize and punish.  Families who are making difficult decisions need to be supported and treated with respect.  They need to be an equal part of the decision making team, but ultimately they bear the final responsibility and to have that ripped away from them?  Feels a little too Orwellian for my taste.

Christmas time is here...

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all the children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

This is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I never get tired of it.  The meaning has changed over the years for me though and this year my soul responds more than ever to the melancholy tune of the song.  I'm sure it's been analyzed to death and I know that one of the reasons Charlie Brown and his friends endure is that they are so much more than characters in a cartoon storyline for kids.  

Christmas is changing for us this year in many ways.  It is the first year one of our children will be away from us~ Katy will be with the Luther Swim and Dive team in San Diego.  It is an awesome opportunity for her to really "dive" in to her sport and connect on a deeper level with her teammates.  We are lucky enough to have best friends who will be in Southern California with family so she will spend Christmas Eve and Day with them.

Andrew is in a house this year with people he really enjoys and will just be with us for a few short days.  

Helen and Jeff and I will head to Canada for a few days to see grandparents and cousins, but it will be quick and there will be some empty seats.

I just re-read that line and feel almost ashamed.  My empty seats are temporary.  Another holiday, another family trip or dinner, they will be full again.  What about the seats at the tables of the families in Sandy Hook?  What about the tables of the families of the police officers in Brooklyn?  There are thousands of seats that are empty forever because a vocal minority thinks that their right to own guns designed to kill people is more important than a human life.  

During this season of Advent and Christmas we are all waiting for something.  Those of us who celebrate the birth of Christ wait and watch.  We anticipate the birth of the Christ Child come to bring light back to a dark world.  Those who celebrate a secular Christmas wait and prepare for a time of giving and celebrating ~ they celebrate the light too, just with a different focus.  With the passing of the Winter Solstice, we embrace the reality that our days will get longer and the sunlight will return to us.  We all wait.

As my children grow and go out into the world, I will always wait for them to come home.  Their seats at the table will be there waiting for them.  I will always feel some relief when my table is full.  The families who have empty chairs that will never be filled again?  I hold them in my heart and I promise that I will continue to speak on their behalf.  I will continue to argue on the side of common sense and justice and kindness.  I will stand with those who will remember the faces of ones who will never come home and I will love them.

Waiting for my children to come home is pretty passive though.  I can simply wait and welcome them when they are here.  I can make it a welcoming place to come, but in the end, as they grow, they decide when to come take their place at the table.  I watch and wait.  

Waiting for Christmas and the symbolic celebrations involved can be passive to.  We are actively involved in all the "fluff" around the celebrations, shopping, baking, wrapping, but waiting for the days to grow longer, or waiting to be reminded of the birth of the Christ Child is passive.

Watching and waiting can be good in a way, but sometimes action is better.  We need to be actively loving others and bringing light to the world.  We are the light.  We must be the light.  We are called to be the light. When do we own our power to light up our world with love and kindness?  To hold those who are suffering?  Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless.  

Being a light in a dark world can be hard work, but it's better than watching the darkness spread.  

Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

so it begins...

This weekend was the beginning for me.  A recognition that Katy is really heading to college next year; a long way from home.  A REALLY long way from home.  It seems like Andy just got back from his "Luther" visit in January of 2011.  Somehow we've sped to 2014, and while Andy decided against Luther, Katy is more sure than ever that it is the place for her.

I can't disagree and I'm sure I will blog numerous times about the merits of my Alma Mater, but today is about the recognition that the next 8 months are going to fly by.  If I'm really honest, it's only 5 and a half months before she heads out of "the nest," first to Calumet and then Luther.

The first time around (launching Andy), I was weepy from January on as I prepared myself, prematurely, to send my firstborn out into the world.  By the time he actually graduated and headed off to work at Calumet for the summer and then into his dorm at UConn, I was alright.  Granted he was 30 minutes down the road.  We don't see much of him, but just knowing that if he needed us or we needed him, we could get him home in a matter of a lunch break, has made it easier than I expected.  In fact, sometimes it's hard to believe he is halfway through his 3rd year!

This weekend when Katy was at Luther, I remembered how very far away it is.  While we have family and friends nearby who will step in if she ever needs "family", visits from us will be few and far between, and I will mostly be able to "be there" via phone and internet.  I won't be able to just drive over after work and take her out for lunch, or pick her up for a quick visit home.

I have no doubt that she is up to the challenge ~ She is far more independent than I remember being when I went off to college.  She has connected already with professors, coaches, peers, and admissions counselors with no prompting or guidance from us.  She knows where she wants to be and what she wants to do when she gets there.  The only tricky part will be making choices about how she spends her time.

I'm not sad yet.  We have months to go and I know that some of that time will be spent with her pushing us away; it's how it works.  I'll be ready to send her off when it's time.

I'm envious of the experiences she has yet to have and while you couldn't pay me enough to revisit middle school or high school for a minute, I would go back to college any day!

Like her brother, she is growing into an amazing, passionate, thoughtful young person with the potential to change the world for the better.  I'm looking forward to following her journey.

end of the year

This is my last post of 2103.  This year is winding down and I'm ready.  I just watched a brief story on some of the families from Sandy Hook.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of that terrible day one year ago when we witnessed unspeakable horror as a sick young man mowed down 20 babies and 6 brave teachers with weapons he shouldn't have ever had access to.
As that was all unfolding we were in our own personal hell as our sweet 16 year old was struggling with her own demons that threatened to take her away from us.  I sat in my car listening to the news as the death toll rose in Sandy Hook and at the same time waited in fear that my phone would ring with terrible news.
This year has been filled with grief and loss and fear.  Rather than help my children launch I have wanted to bring them back in and shelter them from an increasingly frightening world.
At the same time we struggled to hold it all together, our dear friend Ellen was fighting a much too short and terrible battle with cancer, passing away February 26th.  We grieved again.
With the help of friends and family and doctors we began to pull it together.  For Mother's Day we brought a silly little puppy who we named Thor into our life.  He has brought laughter, love and much joy to our life.  His penchant for eating rugs, baskets, and anything else has reminded us that it's just "stuff" and while we look forward to the day when he outgrows the puppy "chewing" stage, for now it's just "stuff."
I began to release my hold on my children and they made it through the summer dealing with their own mistakes in ways that we could be proud of.
August 16th as we celebrated the end of another awesome summer at Camp Calumet, we received the unbelievable and terrible news that Jeff's Dad had suffered a massive heart attack at 72 and died.  Never in a million years could we imagine that he wouldn't live into his 90's like his mother, Grandma Eleanor, who is still with us at 96.  We were thrown back into grief and sadness just when we were getting our footing back.
The year since then has been more or less normal ~ Our children are finding their way and I am so very proud of the people they are becoming.  Jeff and I are a little worse for wear and with 2014 will work towards taking better care of ourselves.
I'm tired.  I forget that I don't have to do this alone.  My family is surrounded by people who love us and care for us.  I forget that I believe in a God who is loving and kind.  I'm not always sure he (or she) is there, but when I find my faith, I feel calmer and more able to cope.
I'm angry with those who are in power but who do nothing to create a system of care for those who most need it, while filling their pockets with whatever they want.
I am grateful that the children I am sending into the world are more focused on social justice and peace than on accumulating stuff.
I'm hopeful that as this terrible year ends, the days will begin to get longer, the sun will shine and love will win.
I am thankful for the many blessings in my life ~ a partner who is always there for me, children who I love more and more everyday, family and friends who will never let me sink into despair, work that brings me joy.
I know 2014 will be a good year.  I will choose hope and joy and will spread it around liberally.
Like the families of Sandy Hook, I will choose LOVE.

the umbilical cord

BREATHE....

There is nothing like starting the morning with drama.  It doesn't matter what kind of drama, it's just a tough way to start the day.  

Sometimes coffee and a little Today Show can change it up.

Other times a little puppy love does the trick.

Today, who knows.

BREATHE...

The journey to launch children is often harder for mothers than fathers.  I know that I am way more intertwined with my children than their Dad is.  I birthed them, I nursed them, I sent them out to the world.  While the umbilical cord was cut at birth, there is an invisible one that remains.  

"Cut the cord!"  A phrase sometimes used when describing someone who can't seem to separate from his/her parents.

I get that - I hope that once my children head out into the world, they will never move back home again.  I want them to know they can if they need to, but I hope they won't.  I hope that we've given them the skills to take on the world and make it a better place.  I think we have.

I don't like the image of cutting the metaphorical umbilical cord though.  The physical one was cut and from that moment on, each of my children began moving away from me.  

There is an invisible one though that keeps me connected to them.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  

Maybe it's just that the cord should be loose and relaxed most of the time, but still connected.  Allowing them (or me) to pull a little tighter when necessary.

Maybe the trick is knowing when it is "necessary."

Knowing when your teenager needs to work something out for themselves and when they need your help can be hard.  It has always been hard for me to watch my children struggle through something EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THIS IS OFTEN WHEN THE MOST LEARNING TAKES PLACE.  What I'm learning though is that it is sometimes difficult for me NOT because of their struggle, but because of how I'm afraid it reflects on me.

BREATHE...

It is their journey, not mine.  I need to not worry so much about how their journey reflects on me.  I am a good mom.  I am a good parent.  I have taught them well.  Some of the very choices they make that I struggle with are because we have raised them to think for themselves and not blindly follow the herd.

Maybe the "cord" is more like a safety rope when you're climbing.  It's there just in case.  The more responsible and independent they become the more slack you give them until you let it go and they are free.  

For now I will hang on so I can pull in a little tighter when necessary and I will continue to 

BREATHE...

Letting go, bit by bit...

The more I allow my children to be responsible for themselves the more I enjoy being with them.  

I think that one of the more difficult parts of parenting for me has been being patient enough to let my children be responsible for themselves.
How many of us have finished tying shoes, finished making beds, done assorted chores because they didn't get done, stayed up to finish projects?
Sometimes it has just been easier to do it myself.  Not useful to my children I'm afraid.
As I've been focusing more and more at letting them deal with the "consequences," good and bad, of their actions, and being there for them without trying to "make it better", I've realized how many things I have not allowed them to do as they've gotten older.  They are more than capable people and can pretty much do whatever we put in their lap, but too often, I get impatient and do it myself.
In the past when I thought about this, I would worry that they would never learn how to take care of themselves, a home, or others.  What I see now is that they are more than capable of doing those things.  It isn't hard to learn how to do laundry or clean a bathroom or kitchen.
The negative impact comes in where our relationship is concerned.  When I give a child a task, then get frustrated when it doesn't get done (or done well enough), the real loser is me.  I get annoyed, either do the task or not, and then don't enjoy that particular child.
When I give a task, insist it gets done and then stay out of the way, I have a whole different feeling about the same child.
This past weekend, the youngest needed to clean her room.  She also wanted to go shopping.  I said there was no shopping until the room was clean.  The room got clean, shopping got done, and I thoroughly enjoyed time with my child.  The difference?  I didn't set foot in the room being cleaned.  I STAYED OUT OF THE WAY.  Did she get everything she wanted?  No - shopping was much shorter than she had anticipated as it took way too long to clean her room, so time was limited.  Did she get upset?  No.  She knew that was the consequence of taking too long.
Now this is kind of no brainer where chores and other concrete activities are involved.  The advanced level is keeping myself emotionally detached from their feelings.  As kids get older, life happens and life is not always fun.  Problems arise and while I think that it's important to "be there" for them, I have to stop feeling responsible for helping them "feel better."  I am not responsible for their feelings and can only try to keep my own emotions from complicating a situation that is not mine to deal with.  Thoughts for them.
 
1) Life doesn't always feel good
2) Sometimes we learn the most from the hardest situations
3) Know when to ask for help
4) Pray, meditate, breathe
5) One way or another it works out
6) You don't have to "do it yourself"
7) Stay true to yourself and your core beliefs

Watching children grow up is bittersweet.  They grow up and move on and that is as it should be.  Why waste time being annoyed?  Perhaps if our time together is relaxed and happy they will continue to come back to play.  Perhaps if their "situations" don't turn me into a bundle of drama, they will feel less responsible for my emotional well-being and more comfortable coming home to just be.

practicing...

I've been avoiding my blog for a few weeks.  I wasn't sure why before, but I think I know now.  Here are the "top of my head" excuses:  I've been busy, I haven't really had anything on my mind, I've had other priorities, blah, blah, blah...
Here's the real reason:  I've been afraid to dive into my thoughts and feelings about the last month.

So many changes and glimpses of life to come.  Katy has been gone for almost 2 weeks and while I noticed she was gone, I didn't really miss her, until yesterday when I sent her and her brother good wishes for their first day with campers.
Until that point, it seemed like she was just away for a little bit and she'd be back soon.  With campers arriving, her work begins and it's no longer a little trip away from home; she is gone for the summer, doing important, powerful work!
With that realization, I got so weepy!!  Not because I miss her and her brother though.  I do miss them, but over the years they have steadily spent more time away from home and that is how it should be.  It's prepping them to fly from the nest.  I got weepy because I was overwhelmed with feelings of love and pride.

When my children are at home, they are much like everyone else's teenagers, albeit a little louder and more animated than some:-)  They make us crazy by talking back, not doing chores, leaving messes, needing rides, cars, money etc...  They are also interesting, funny, smart people who I enjoy spending time with.  BUT, they are still children.
When they go to camp in the summer they are transformed!  I'm sure their supervisors would say they are still teenagers, and I know they are, but they also become responsible, respectful, compassionate, self-motivated, confident people.  They become their better selves.  They nurture and care for children - other people's precious children!  What a important job!

The expectations of the staff are high ~ those who make poor choices are sent home.  There is no room for messing up in a big way when you are caring for other people's children.  There is forgiveness and second chances, but the rules are clear and the consequences are immediate.  Because they are teenagers I know that at any point one of my children could make one bad choice and be home for the rest of the summer.  I'm confident they won't - they love where they are and what they get to do there too much!  I think they also love being away from home.  I know they love me, but sometimes I "mother" too much.  At camp they are responsible for their own selves, I can't rescue them and they know that and appreciate it.  I think.

I miss them a lot.  I wish they could come with us when we travel to see other family, but am so proud that they made their own decisions to stay and do their very important work.  As hard as I can be on myself, it is times like this when I know I've been a pretty good mom and my husband and I have done a pretty good job raising some amazing people.  

Mama love

This is going to be a challenging post for me, but I'm going to dive right in.  The attached blog post
reasons to calm down about babies crying was so thought provoking for me.  When my babies were small, I absolutely hated to hear them cry.  I thought my job was to meet all their needs until they were big enough, or old enough to meet them.  I was an Attachment Parent all the way!  Especially with my second child.
She was my "high-need" baby.  For the first 6 months of her life she was either in the sling or sleeping next to me ~ she nursed all night long sometimes and was happy as long as she was in physical contact with her mama.  I was SO THANKFUL for attachment parenting as I was certain that if I didn't wear her and co-sleep with her she would be so unhappy and I wouldn't survive her infancy!
Once she was mobile, the constant physical contact decreased, but she continued to be intense.  She could go from 0-60 in no time flat and I was there to soothe her and meet her needs.  While I was exhausted, I was a little smug as well.  Not many other mother's could handle such an intense child!
In many ways Attachment Parenting served me and my children well.  Especially when they were infants.
I had studied Developmental Psychologist Erik Erikson's work in college and was sure that as my children resolved their "developmental issues" like trust vs. mistrust, they would move on and I would have done my job to give them an excellent foundation.  I still believe that in many ways this is what happened.
The above post however, made me think that perhaps my focus on resolving all of my sweet girl's unhappiness was not so useful to her.  Maybe it in fact, took away some of her own power and self-determination.
At 16 we have a lovely, smart, caring, powerful girl who is terrified of her own grief and sadness.  The intensity of her feelings has resulted in interventions I never imagined facing.  In some ways we are doing remedial emotional managment education.  I didn't want to see that by meeting her every emotional need as an infant and young child I wasn't allowing her to learn how to process them herself.
Don't get me wrong~ this isn't a "I'm a bad Mom post and it's all my fault that I have a teenager who has had struggles."  We do the best we can with the knowledge and support we have at the time.

I do wonder though, that if I had had the perspective offered by Magda Gerber and her approach to child-rearing, or if I'd simply listened to my own mother and accepted that "sometimes babies cry and that's ok" maybe my sweet girl would know that her feelings, while intense, will not hurt her.  She can get through them.  She would know that her mama believes in her strength and power to get through the most difficult situations and while she will always be there if needed, she won't get in the way.

We begin launching our young the moment they burst from our bodies ~ acknowledging and respecting their ability to make their way from their earliest days just makes the journey more exciting.

keep them safe...

Once again, our world has been shaken.  A day of joy and fun in Boston will forever be tarnished by some sick person's actions.  My stomach hurts and I'm on the verge of tears for what seems like the millionth time in the last 6 months.

Just when I think that I'm adjusting to the idea of sending my children out into the world, I'm reminded what a frightening and unpredictable world we live in.  This weekend I had no fears when Katy asked to go spend the first day of her Spring Break in Northampton, MA with some friends.  Northampton is about an hour away.  After the events of the day, I had a hard time letting her go to the mall with friends tonight.  The mall is 20 minutes away.

I know that I cannot keep them safe.  Horrible things happen and I cannot control who they happen to.  I don't believe anyone, even God, controls WHO is struck.  My children have big plans ~ I'm excited for the adventures they will have as they grow into amazing adults who will do amazing things.  At the same time, I want to just hold them close and keep them safe.

All I can do is hope that they are protected by angels, that they will know what to do if they are faced with tragedy, and hold my puppy tight until I can breathe again and Katy is home safe from the mall.

trying too hard

I've been struggling lately with whether I've done what I wanted to do to prepare my children for the world.  Now they haven't actually launched yet, at least all the way, but I've been all wrapped up in whether I've been the kind of mom I wanted to be.  Whether I'm BEING the kind of mom I want to be now.
I love Janet Lansbury's Blog "Elevating Childcare".  So many times I'll read a post, and although they often have to do with infants and young children, they frequently have relevance for my almost grown children.
One post she shared spoke of the idea that "We need to be the person we want our child to be."  Seems so simple.  In many ways our children are the best of my husband and me.  At those moments, I'm so satisfied and proud.  I'm confident that they will go on to have great lives!
There are also times though when I see those parts of me that I'm not so pleased with reflected back at me in the face of an angry teenager.  Impatient, selfish, stubborn...  It's all there.
Because these similarities are pretty clear though, I can deal with all of them.  I may not like it and there is a certain amount of karmic justice that I'm sure gives my parents a chuckle here and there, but I can take it in, address it, modify my own behavior and hope they follow suit.
What is harder to address are some of the more subtle things.  If I'm never satisfied with what I'm contributing to the world, how will they absorb that?  Will they always be dissatisfied?  With they think I'm dissatisfied with them?   I love my work and I know my children see that, but I also long to do more, to make a more significant, measurable difference in the world.  While I want them to strive to always do good in the world, I want them to relish the life they create and find joy and satisfaction in the work they choose.  I want them to feel complete.

I think my first step is to step BACK.  Allow them to find their way with a little less "support" from me.  All the little things I do to make their day move along are things that, if they were responsible for them, would be steps towards feeling competent and satisfied with themselves.
It's their life, not mine.  I have to remind myself that at this point, I need to trust they've learned what I want them to learn and know enough to make their choices.  Their choices may or MAY NOT reflect on me.  If I've done my job, they will feel confident enough to take chances, make choices, mess up and start again.  They'll know that I'll love them no matter what and will always be there to help them up and push them out of the nest again after they've had a rest.
I don't know if they know this.  I hope they will someday.  It's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Do you ever grow up?

This week I've been obsessed with what I'm going to be when I grow up.  I'm 44.  I've been a Therapist, a Youth Services Coordinator, a Mom and an Early Childhood Music Specialist.  I've loved all these roles for different reasons (ok I didn't really love being a Therapist, but it was nice to "help" people).
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice.  If she could go tomorrow she would.  Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year.  I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own.  Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:

~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?

I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family.  Why am I not satisfied?

I want to change the world in a BIG way.  Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow.  I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow.  I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart.  It's taken me a long time to say that out loud.  I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.

Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more?  I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.

Summer mourning...

It's been a long time since I last blogged and I've been oddly resistant to starting up again.  I spent much of the last 3 months at Camp Calumet in New Hampshire - one of my very favorite places on earth.  You can see from the picture why. 
I leapt out of the nest last June and followed my children north.  Andy has been a counselor at Calumet for 3 years now.  Katy participated in the Leadership and Service Training Program for 4 weeks and Helen hung out with me when she wasn't camping or traveling across the country (more at another time).
So many trains of thought want to leave the station at the same time right now, including the one telling me I have too much to do this morning to be blogging, so this will be brief.
Aside from having to take on day to day tasks again like grocery shopping etc..., the biggest difference I've noticed since returning from heaven is that the rest of the world hasn't really changed.  There are more annoying political ads and stories, none of which you can trust.  The economy hasn't really changed, nor has the rudeness or kindness.
The best things are that I am surrounded by my CT friends who I missed and am so happy to see, I love my washing machine (although a laundromat where I can do a weeks worth of laundry in 2 hours is pretty awesome) and my nice big desktop computer, and am happy to have them back.
What I've learned...
I don't need stuff to be happy.  I don't need a big house to be happy.  I don't need closets and dressers stuffed with clothes to be happy.  I don't need t.v. to be happy.
I need comfortable clothes.  I need a comfortable place to sleep.  I need people who love me and are there when I need them.  I need a purpose.  I need to be around children and families of all ages.  I need coffee and fresh food.  I need love.  I need care when I am sick or hurt.
Isn't this what we all need?  Why are there so many people out there who fight the idea of providing a safety net and a step up for those who need it? 
I'm in mourning for the past 3 months of coffee, cut up fruit, a "home" that took 5 minutes to clean, dear friends everywhere I looked. 
Looking forward to recreating what I truly need and want here at home.