Connected and lonely

We are the most connected and at the same time, LONELIEST people ever. We spend hours a day connecting with thousands of people over social media while we are sitting alone. For teenagers and children especially this is not only sad, it's dangerous. More and more it is apparent that depression and anxiety, substance abuse and alcoholism are impacted by if not caused by loneliness and isolation. How is it possible to be so lonely when we can connect with virtually the whole world ANYTIME we want?

I have a love/hate relationship with FaceBook. I LOVE how I've been able to connect and re-connect with so many treasured friends from over the years. Living far away from family (including my daughters) it has given me a window into the lives of people I love and allowed me to feel like I'm not quite so far.

It is also a time suck and often a distraction from life. It has informed and confused, entertained and stimulated, challenged and frustrated.  I have been able to engage in political discussions like never before in my life and have begun actively sharing stories of love and positivity whenever I can. It has also shone a light on the ugliness and hate in the world and has become an echo chamber where we begin to hear more and more from those like us and less and less from those we disagree with.

Like so much of life, it's about moderation - too much of anything is a bad idea. The question is how do we find the right balance? How do we teach our children that face to face connections are still far more important and satisfying than living your life through a keyboard and a screen?

While there are many good things about being able to connect so widely, what is being lost? It doesn't matter if you have 2,000 FaceBook friends or 5,000 Instagram followers if you have no one to sit with when you're sad or celebrate with you when something wonderful happens. Humans are social creatures and we NEED contact. Not just through a computer, but real human contact. We need touch - a handshake, a hug, a pat on the back.

I worry about children who are not learning about things like making eye contact when they talk with someone. More and more I've noticed that many adults are terrible about introducing themselves or the people they are with. People don't want to shake hands because they will share germs. We are afraid to touch each other for so many reasons. The first few years we lived in Connecticut I thought it was just a New England thing, not knowing your neighbors. Now I hear it from so many areas. WE ARE LIVING IN ISOLATION AND IT'S DESTROYING US.

Our political climate doesn't help with connection - we are being told to believe that those who are different are to be feared. The division only grows when we move through life in a bubble, only making eye contact with those we know. Only saying hello to familiar faces.

I am an introvert by nature. It is HARD for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger. My mom and one of my daughter's are the complete opposite. They can engage in conversation with virtually anyone! Here's a curious thing though... Extroverts are by and large admired in our culture and Introverts are often considered shy or aloof. Extroverts are also more common. If this is the case, then what is so hard about making eye contact when you are walking down the road? Why would you not introduce yourself to someone you are having a conversation with? Why would you not say hello to the person standing in line with you at the grocery store? WHAT IS WRONG WITH  US? Are we so afraid of being rejected that we won't take a chance to reach out and connect?

This week is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS week. Perhaps we need to have a SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE YOU MEET week. When we make eye contact we acknowledge the very existence of the person we make eye contact with. When we say hello we take it up a level. When we take the time to listen to another person and give them the gift of our time we are saying "you are worthy."

Be present. Put your devices down. Pay attention to those around you. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Acknowledge their existence. See if it changes your perspective.

Perhaps if we spent more time face to face, the virtual relationships we have would take their place as a part of our social world rather than all of it. 

different but good

This Thanksgiving marks the first holiday in 25 years that we will not be with at least one of our three children. When this first sank in, it felt very strange. What would that be like? Then it felt strange because I felt ok. Shouldn't I be sad? I've been turning it around in my head for a few weeks now and here are some of my thoughts ~

     It's just a day. I'm thankful everyday for my children, my family, my friends. Any chance we have to be together whether it's for a big feast or a quick dinner in the middle of the week is a chance to be thankful and enjoy time together.

     As a family, we have created a way of being that includes welcoming others to our table AND accepting the kindness of others to join them at theirs. Living far away from family means that our holiday table has often included a changing guest list - last Christmas was the first ever that we had Christmas Eve with just the 5 of us and it was odd. We also have not always been home, so while we have our traditions, they have remained flexible, making it easy not to get locked into "but we have to do it this way," kind of thinking. This year, Jeff and I will be in Canada with part of his family and will celebrate Thanksgiving on Saturday! Child number one will be house/dog-sitting for us, and is thinking about hosting a "friends" Thanksgiving. Child number two will spend the holiday with her boyfriend's family and child number three will be with my brother and his family. While we will not be together, we will all be thankful and enjoy the company of people we appreciate and care for.

     While I have moments when I miss my children terribly, most of the time, I'm living my life, of which they are a part. They are not the center. I love hearing about the people they are meeting and sharing time with. I love that my son is finding enjoyment in hosting and feeding people in the same way that his Dad and I do. I love hearing stories from people who host my daughter's about their comfort level in engaging in conversation with friends AND strangers.

This year I will give thanks that those I love all have some place to be where they are loved and appreciated. I will give thanks that my children are growing into loving, compassionate, giving people who are comfortable sharing their gifts and their table with others.

There is comfort in tradition and in family rituals for sure ~ growing up, my family's Christmas celebrations were filled with consistency and tradition which I loved and found comfort in. When I began my family, I tried to create some of these with my children. What I've realized however, is that when we become too attached to tradition, it can limit our ability to open ourselves to new people and new experiences. In today's ever changing world, we need to be opening ourselves to others, not closing them off. The political climate would suggest we need to isolate ourselves from others to be "safe." This is so wrong! The more we can learn about and engage with others, the more we eat, drink, sing and dance with others, the more we open ourselves to those who are different, the faster the walls that divide us fall away. It is much harder to hate and hurt those you have shared a meal with. It is harder to turn away from someone you have made music with.

This Thanksgiving I will miss my children at the table. I will talk with them all and look forward to seeing them in a few weeks. I will enjoy time with my husband, my in-laws, my nieces and nephews. I will relish our time together and over the next month will look for ways to help other's feel loved and cared for.

I will remind myself that it's one day. I will remember to be thankful EVERY day. I will give thanks.

thoughts on Valentine's Day

I'm not sure if it is just that Valentine's Day was a relatively low key holiday in my home when I was growing up so my expectations are not about fancy expensive gifts, or if I just like chocolate, but I have always loved Valentine's Day.  It's never been a big day as far as gifts etc... Maybe a card or two, maybe chocolate, maybe a dinner out, maybe a poem ~ depends on the year.  For me it's simply a day about LOVE.

For years Jeff and I would bicker about it because he sees it through the lens of consumerism and in general he dislikes all "Hallmark" holidays.  Years ago I was done and clarified that I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY.  I didn't expect jewelry or fancy dinners or anything other than a little extra acknowledgement that I was loved ~ a poem written on a scrap of paper would make me happy.  That year I received a lovely Haiku written by my love and I was happy.

Our conversations over the years have included talk of how we shouldn't need a special day to show our love, we should show it every day.  Or, it's a day that makes single people feel bad or stresses out parents of young children who need to make Valentine's for six bajillion of their closest friends.

I get all of that.  I still love Valentine's Day.  Here's why.

1) For me, it's a day dedicated to LOVE - not just romantic love, but all love ~ some of my favorite Valentine's over the years have come from my children or my students.

2) It's in the middle of February and for someone with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) it is an excellent excuse to give and get EXTRA love.

3) I love the colors pink and red and all variations.

4) While it is true that we shouldn't need a "DAY" to give those we love flowers, chocolate, poetry (whatever floats your boat), the fact is life gets busy and having a "reminder" can be a good thing.

5) It's an excellent excuse to pull out my favorite love songs to sing and dance to.

If you love Valentine's Day too, I hope you had a good one.  If you hate Valentine's Day, I still hope you had a good one :-)

dreaming...

For 20+ years I've imagined a place where children and families come together to learn, grow, play, have fun, make music etc... Over that time it's taken different forms, starting as a space with more of a therapeutic tone and evolving to be more of a community of like minded folks making music, playing and learning from each other.

The dream percolates for a few months and then fades away.  Every 4-5 years it has re-surfaced in a slightly revised form, but each time, it has faded back into the woodwork.

When I began my work with Music Together, the element of music and play began to take more of the focus.  I opened a storefront in Tolland and dove in!  For three years I continued teaching Music Together and explored various other ways of using my little space - drum circles, family events, workshops, theatre classes etc.. All were fun, none were consistent.  After 3 years I decided I couldn't commit to the overhead any longer as I had "failed" to see my dream come true.

Looking back, I know I didn't "fail" so much as I made life choices that made it clear the time was not right.  I wanted to be around for my children, I loved teaching more than "managing" and I didn't really care about anything besides Music Together so why not just do that?  I decided that while the dream was lovely, I didn't want it enough (or have the skills needed) to make it happen, so I pushed it away and moved on.

Several years passed and I happily taught in a number of spaces, but that gets old ~ getting in the car and having to remember where I was going on any given day taxed my attention challenged brain.  Then, along came a charming toy store with a lovely event room! At Kiddy Korner I was able to teach as many classes as I could fill.  I had storage, I had people to chat with between classes.  I had the best of both worlds!  A central location where I could offer as much as I wanted, without the risk of overhead etc... I paid my "rent" when I used the space and didn't even have to clean the bathroom!

2 years passed though and the toy store closed ~ tough business in any town, but especially in a little town.  I couldn't go back to being an itinerate music teacher and the dream bubbled up again.  Maybe this time, with more experience and business savvy, I could bring my place to life!  Well-negotiated rent, cute space, awesome signage~  back into business.

Here we are now, 2 and a half years in and I could be thinking that while classes are going well, I'm still on my own and that's not what I want.  Maybe when my lease is up, I should close up and go back to traveling or maybe get a grown up job.  This should be the time that the dream melts back into the background again.

Instead of melting though it's bubbling furiously!  Imagine a space in the center of town that would be part music/arts studio with Music Together, private lessons, arts classes of all sorts, movement and yoga classes and part coffee shop/juice bar/gathering place?  Imagine a comfy space that could be used by moms and dads in the mornings with little ones, to gather to talk and play and learn.  The same space could be used for gathering after school for homework, tutoring, lessons, or just hanging out by students.  The SAME space could evolve in the evenings to hold mtgs, host open stage evenings or private events.  I'm dreaming day and night of this magical community but what holds me back is fear.  Fear that I'll fail.  Fear that I can't do it.  Fear that while I think it's a brilliant idea, I'll dive in, open the doors and NO ONE WILL COME.

I don't often ask for feedback on this blog, but here's what I want to know.  Can you see it too?  Do you want to be a part of it?  Would you come?  Would you bring your friends?  Maybe if it becomes not just MY dream, but the dream of a group of people, it won't be so scary.  Maybe this time the dream will bubble up into something truly delicious and amazing.

I CHOOSE PEACE

2013 has been a suckish year.  I just looked over my last few posts and am tired of hearing myself complain!  I really have a pretty amazing life, but this year has been filled with grief, loss, illness and stress.  I've spent the year comforting, crying with, caring for and yelling at the people I love the most.  Each "beginning" I say "fresh start!" Beginning of Spring, beginning of summer, beginning of school... Each one has been tainted by grief.  As someone who generally dreads the shortening days, I look forward to the end of this year and a fresh beginning in 2014.

Our own personal grief and loss is one thing.  We can talk about it, process it, explain it.  People get sick, people die.  It's what happens.  All we can do is share memories and care for those left behind. It is a sad, but normal part of life.

What is difficult to wrap my brain around is the seemingly increasing grief and loss in the world.  Every time I turn on the radio, tv or computer, there's been another shooting or bombing.  Another mother is mourning.  Another father is weeping.  Mass shootings continue.  After each one, attention ramps up, but those with the guns and money are louder and more persistent and we go back to our lives while those directly affected try to pick up the pieces.  The amount of money spent on protecting the "rights" of gun owners, while we fight for every dollar for education, healthcare and even food, is outrageous.  We don't even realize how many gun deaths since Sandy Hook have happened.

We say that the bombings and massacres in the Middle East aren't OUR problem.  It's those "others."  We ignore them until it directly affects us and then we blame them, pushing us all further into "us" and "them."  Encouraging "them" to hate us.  They are DIFFERENT.  When a beautiful, smart young woman who happens to be an American of Indian descent, much like I'm an American of Norwegian descent, garners an obscene flurry of racist, hateful comments simply by being crowned Miss America, it's easy to see why the world might hate us.  WE ARE HATEFUL TO OUR OWN CITIZENS.  I'm ashamed.

IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.

I'm 45 years old and I struggle with trying to understand the hate and ugliness in the world.  My youngest is 14 and experiences waves of sadness that sometimes threaten to carry her away.  I can only assume that her personal sadness about losing Auntie Ellen and her Grandpa this year are made more intense by the sadness, grief and pain she sees in the world.  She is too old to shelter, but too young to understand. I can't explain it and I can't hide it or ignore it.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY.

I can only choose to move forward.  We must TEACH our children to choose love and compassion.  We must TEACH them that caring for others is how they will save the world.  We must SHOW them that bullies don't win.  There is so much going on in schools around bullying, but where do we think it starts?  When do we pay as much attention to the grown-up bullies in our communities and governments?  The NRA?  BULLIES.  Tyrants and Dictators around the world?  BULLIES.
Children learn what they see and live and when they see the bullies getting the power and control, they learn that to be in charge you must be a bully too.

I CHOOSE PEACE.

This Saturday, Sept. 21st is the International Day of Peace.  I will spend it with colleagues, friends, family and strangers, at Elizabeth Park in Hartford, CT.  From 10 am -1 pm we will be together.

WE WILL PREPARE PEACE ~ RALLY PEACE ~ SPEAK PEACE ~ CELEBRATE PEACE

We will TEACH our children that PEACE AND LOVE WIN.

We will TEACH our children that to change the world for the better we must COME TOGETHER.

We will TEACH our children that there is HOPE, but they must be STRONG and VOCAL.

We can STEP UP and be louder and more persistent about PEACE and LOVE or we can go on about our lives, shaking our heads, wringing our hangs and participating in memorials, while those with the guns and money and power allow our world to be destroyed by hate and violence.

What will you choose?

"It is not enough to teach children how to read, write and count. Education has to cultivate mutual respect for others and the world in which we live, and help people forge more just, inclusive and peaceful societies."

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon 

goodbyes

As life moves along, we begin to say "goodbye" more and more.  Our children engage more in the world without us, friends move away, others say goodbye in a more permanent way, or they don't.  They leave us to say goodbye.  We say goodbye to dreams and ideas, people and places.
Some goodbyes are good ~ goodbye to a hated job or class.  Goodbye to 10 lbs!  Others are harder.  Goodbye to the things you thought you would do by now.  Goodbye to the fantasy life, child, job, whatever.
Others are really hard.
Yesterday I got a phone call I was expecting, but hoped to never get.  My dear friend Ellen had passed away Tuesday night.  "Auntie Ellen", as my children called her, was a sweet presence in our lives.  She did not have children of her own, but LOVED and CHERISHED her own nieces and nephews and so many other children.  Too many to count.  I really saw how she loved my children.
When we were 24 and new to our church, Ellen welcomed us with the open arms of family and celebrated with us when we told her we were expecting our first child.  She stood with us when Andrew's baptism was remembered here in Connecticut and became his "Connecticut Godmother".  We both lived far from our families, both with two sisters and a brother, and we understood what it was like to be far away from that network of love and support.
Over the 20 years she was a part of our lives, we took her love for granted.  While she was always there for us, I don't know if we were always there for her.  Absorbed in the chaos of raising children, we didn't always reach out.  We included her in our lives when we NEEDED her and when we would think of it; sometimes last minute.  She however, was always there.  Sitting through concerts and recitals, taking our children to see Santa year after year as a special Christmas outing ~ celebrating Christmas with us, sometimes in late January!
Over the years her bond with my daughters became especially strong as they shared sleepovers and shopping trips.  Going to the Dollar Store with Auntie Ellen was much more fun than going with Mom!
I expected to have more time with her - I needed her to help me get my girls through adolescence.  Those significant adults that play a role in your child's life are SO IMPORTANT, and she was one that cannot be replaced.
A week before she died, she left Connecticut on short notice to join her family in Ohio to be cared for in Hospice.  This is where she needed to be and I'm grateful that she got there.  Jeff, Andrew and I were able to see her the weekend before she left.  When I called about bringing the girls to see her, she couldn't do it.  I understand.  Her grief and shock were so strong, she just couldn't bear to say goodbye to the people she loved.  I understand it, and know that my role now is to help my girls say goodbye.  Sadly this will be one of many goodbyes to come over the years.

As life moves along, we say goodbye more and more.