enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.

girls and boys and marsupials

Before I had children I was adamant that I was going to treat my girls and boys no differently from each other.  They would all have the same rules, privileges and freedoms and I was prepared to fight anyone who treated them differently.  My boys would be allowed to be soft and gentle and my girls could be tough and strong.
Here's the thing... If you have been raising children, you know that when it comes right down to it, children are who they are almost in spite of us.  We can dress them neutrally, we can insist that they all learn how to clean a bathroom, cook, change a tire and do their own bookkeeping, but we don't determine who they are.  They do.
For all practical purposes, my oldest (and only) boy child is halfway out of the nest.  He is probably out of the nest from his perspective, but I still have a gentle grip.  Not quite ready to completely release him to the world.  As a little one, he was the sweetest, happiest little guy, who loved his mom, dad, books, legos and his baby.  Yes, he nursed his baby when I was nursing his sister.  That's just how you take care of babies, right?  We didn't have guns or weapons of any kind in the house and I let his baby curls get really long.
By the time he was 4 (maybe before) everything was turned into a weapon or a vehicle.  I was sure I had failed as a mother because the influences of the world had taken over my sweet boy.
I know that's not true.  We have our differences and our disagreements.  I know he has and will continue to make choices that I disagree with, but as a whole, he has grown into a sweet, caring, nurturing young man who cares about social justice and loving EVERYONE.  I could not  be more proud of who he is becoming and am excited to follow his journey.
Overall, launching A has not been terribly rough.  Most of the time I trust him and I haven't worried too much about the world - he is well over 6 feet tall, white, male and doesn't make enemies.
Here's where the difference with my girls comes in. 
I still have years to go to prepare them for the world and up to this point (they are almost 16 and 13), they have had many of the same experiences as their brother.  Same rules, chores, privileges, freedoms.  All of a sudden though they are turning into young women.  We have been lucky ~ they are both late bloomers, so some of the challenges that face parents of girls have been delayed for us.  Not anymore.
My middle child, K, has been a dynamo from birth.  We've had no doubt that she will take over the world someday, or at least do great things to make it a better place.  She is an energizer bunny who has no tolerance for hate or evil - much like her brother.
She is also a beautiful young woman.  The challenges that she will face simply because of this make me cringe.  Don't get me wrong ~ Just in my lifetime, the rights and freedoms women experience have exploded!  The journey of women from the 1960's to today is unbelievable.  We have choices available to us that our mother's never dreamed of for themselves, but made possible for us.  The same is true for our girls.  They really can do anything they set their minds to.
Despite the progress made, the playing field is not level.  I worry about them when they are out in a way I never worried about their brother.  I don't trust the world with my sweet, smart girls.  While I struggle not to squash their spirit and vibrancy while teaching them how to be a member of society, the idea that there are many out there who will try to do just that makes me seethe.  They are in more physical danger than their brother, but more so, they are in more emotional and social danger.
The current "war on women" being waged in the media and politics stuns me.  The idea that there are still so many out there who would try to police my daughter's personal choices about motherhood, as well as the latest questioning of whether women really "need" equal pay, boggles my mind!
What kind of CRAP is that?  I have been and will continue to teach my daughter's that they can do and be who they want to be.  They can change the world, while nursing a baby and caring for a family.  Maybe not at the same time, but they can do it.  It will be up to them to determine their path in life; will they choose motherhood, a career outside the home, or both?  Will they do them at the same time or sequentially?  It will be their choice.  I will be there to help clear the way when they need me just like my mom was there to clear the path for me.
While I know that there are forces out there that would try to keep my girls down, I will fight for them. Just like their brother, they have the power to change the world for good and it's my job to fly below them and boost them up when the forces above try to shove them down.
Go girls, go boys, go PEOPLE.