December 14th

Today is a Monday like many others. Everyone in the house is up early. My husband and daughter are out the door and I have a short time to soak in the rays from my HappyLight, check in on Facebook and take a quick peek at my e-mail.
Today is December 14th. It makes this Monday different. Today people throughout CT (and elsewhere) remember Sandy Hook.  We remember the 26 souls taken from the world by a lost and sick young man.  20 children, 6 teachers. Their deaths began a new age in our world, one where we don't feel safe even in the "safest" places.

3 years ago our middle child was struggling with mental health issues. Our December was completely absorbed in keeping her safe and getting her help. 3 years later she is thriving in college. She had access to good mental health services and she DIDN'T have access to a gun. If she had, we could have easily been mourning her suicide. If the murderer of Sandy Hook had better mental health services he may not have done what it did. If he did not have easy access to his mother's guns he would not have done what he did.  No one could have magically made him "better," but we could have prevented his access to guns.

3 years ago we all said "never again." the horror of school children being murdered seemed like more than enough to wake up the country to look seriously at gun control and mental health. While progress has been made, Since Sandy Hook it's not enough.  The Federal Government has been unable to make any progress, so any semblance of sanity on the issue of gun control/gun safety has fallen to individual states. Any progress is good, but as long as individual states have widely disparate laws, too many guns will continue to be available to those who want them.

Here's the problem though. When a "mass" shooting happens there is a lot of activity - statistics are thrown around, social media is busy with people on both sides of the issue. In the meantime, those who could make significant change in this land, don't. What we hear are excuses.  "It's not about guns, it's about mental health." "If more good guys had guns, we could beat the bad guys." "The second amendment protects my right to protect myself and my family." "More gun control won't work, 'cause the bad guys will get the guns anyways." After a week or so, the flurry of activity slows, we move on with our lives and wait for the next time we hear in the news "Mass shooting at a......."
Here's the thing.

"Mass shootings get all the attention, but they are a small part of the overall problem," "On the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting, about 90 other people died as the result of a shooting."(quote from the above link)

The number of people killed as a result of gun violence in this country outside the sensational shootings is not acceptable. Domestic violence, suicide, homicide, accidental.  Just the number of people who are injured or killed when a TODDLER comes across a gun and accidentally fires it should be enough for the powers that be to make some common sense reforms regarding the gun laws of the United States.   

Good Mental Health services continue to be difficult to come by even if you have resources. While progress has been made, there is still more to do.  The work that needs to be done will NOT be done until we value people over things.  As long as those in power value the almighty dollar more than the life of a child nothing will change.  Even when changes are made and those who need it get help, it will still take time. 

In the meantime, common sense gun reform nationwide, could make a huge impact.  To deny the progress made by neighboring countries is foolish.  Fewer guns = fewer gun deaths.  Will it prevent all gun deaths? No. Will reducing the number of guns end all mass shootings? No. Will reducing the number of guns in the US and requiring common sense protections like "smart technology," training, safe storage etc. significantly reduce the number of deaths due to gun violence. The numbers and the experience of Australia, the UK and Japan would suggest YES.

While I am horrified each time there is a mass shooting and December 14th will always be a sad day, I want to see change for the hundreds of thousands of individuals who deaths don't make the news or social media. 

Today on December 14th, I'm going to remember the 26 souls lost at Sandy Hook School, but I'm also going remember the 554 children under age 12 who have died since Sandy Hook due to intentional or accidental gunshots. I'm going to remember the 33,599 people who died LAST YEAR in the US due to gun violence. I'm going to remember the 497,632 people who have died because of guns since 1999. 

 I'm also going to pray for the souls of those who stand by and do nothing.

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

Welcome to the world of crazy.

I want to write about all the High School and College Graduates we know who we are so proud of.  I want to send them out into the world with wishes for a long and amazing life.  Children, nieces, nephews, friends, a daughter from another mother.... On and on... They are AMAZING.  They are capable of great things.  They better be ready because we are launching them into a crazy world full of hate and violence, selfishness and pain.

This morning as I watched the news, the shooting in South Carolina is all over the place.  The emphasis of the story is on the vigils, and the community coming together to pray, the clear indication that this was a HATE crime.  A young man filled with so much hate that he sat with a group of people in a church for an hour and then slaughtered them.  So many prayers.  Some asking how can God let this happen.  God didn't let this happen.  I'm pretty certain SHE is weeping and despairing that we can't seem to get our act together.  We are responsible.  All of us.  We live in a world that separates us from each other by our differences.  Babies are born ready to love anyone.  We teach them who is the "other."

The attention is on the victims. The media is trying to take the focus away from the baby-faced killer and I think that's good.  We need to know the victims so we can truly mourn them.  Maybe then we will get off our fucking asses and CHANGE THINGS.  I know my parents read this and I apologize for my language, but I am so angry right now and no other words suffice.

There will be calls for more attention to mental health and to racism and hate and all this is good.  These are discussions that need to happen and changes need to be made.  Perhaps more attention will be on how children are loved and nurtured from day one.  Maybe there will be talk of communities pulling together to create stronger villages so children who are suffering, struggling, or being raised in hateful circumstances will be identified and supported before they become hateful killers.

THESE ARE ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT NEED TO BE HAD.

What will be touched on and then swept away however, will be talk of guns. This is where I can't stand it anymore.  What the hell is wrong with this country that despite shooting after shooting, horror after horror, we STILL CAN'T ADDRESS THE OBSCENE NUMBER OF GUNS AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY.  I'm not even talking about reasonable guns for hunting.  I'm talking about guns designed for the sole purpose of killing PEOPLE.  We've done this to ourselves and it will continue until those in positions of power at the local, state and federal level stop bowing down to the special interest groups and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  There are weapons that simply shouldn't be available to anyone.  There are weapons that should be restricted.  IF GUNS ARE NOT AVAILABLE, THEY CAN'T BE USED TO KILL PEOPLE.

But wait, guns don't kill people, people kill people.  FUCK THAT.  In countries where guns are not available death rates are dramatically lower.  Look it up.  Any rational person looking at the rates of gun violence in the US vs any other 1st world country (and many 2nd and 3rd) can see that eliminating or even reducing access to guns significantly impacts on gun violence.  This is not rocket science.  But what about the second amendment you say??  What about it?  What part of anyone and their dog being able to have as many guns as they want, says anything about a "well-regulated militia."  Pretty sure the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) didn't have this insanity in mind.

So many of the discussions that need to be had around mental health, race, poverty etc., are so critically important, but perhaps if we could get our heads out of the sand and get the weapons out of the conversation, we would actually have time to have these conversations.  Instead we are spending more and more time, mourning, praying and cleaning up the blood of innocents.  I'm pretty sure God is saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  When are we going to listen?

Perhaps the current crop of Graduates will be strong enough and smart enough to change things.  Right now I feel like we have failed them and left them with an awful mess to clean up.  If anyone can do it though, I bet they can.  I hope they can.

enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.

Who decides?

A New Year...  2015 is the year to just do it.

Sitting here at my computer with my HappyLight and my coffee I'm having moment of nostalgia.  Seeing posts on FB about sledding being banned as I'm watching the snow fall out my window makes me sad and annoyed.  More and more I find myself thinking "back in the day," or "when I was a kid" or even "when my kids were little".  The decision makers, national and local, seem to be more and more confused about what their jobs are.  We can't possibly make laws that keep people safe from guns or starvation, but you better not let your child play alone in a park or go sledding.  We will also make all medical decisions for you and your children too.  I'm really troubled by two stories in CT lately.  I'm all about getting good medical care for you and your children, but when the state begins to take children away because a parent (or older child) wants to make a choice that they disagree with, it's a little scary.  A frightening slippery slope.

When I started typing this morning, I hadn't intended to go this direction, but clearly it's what is on my mind!  The current story about the 17 year old with Hodgkins Lymphoma is so troubling.  I'm not making any judgements about whether she should or shouldn't have chemotherapy, but the idea that she has been removed from her mother's custody and is being forced to have chemotherapy against her will is very troubling to me.  Have they consulted alternative medicine practitioners?  While chemo is often the treatment of choice, it is not the only choice.  Also, in a few months when she is 18, this young lady will be able to decide for herself.  What makes those few months magical?  Is it worth the cost and trauma to "force" her to undergo treatment that she does not want?  Really difficult decisions, but not ours to make.
The other story is the one surrounding a very sick little boy.  Jaxon Gilmore is medically frail and while he has a Grandmother and other family members who are willing and able to care for him, because there has been some disagreement about his care the state has taken custody.  Again, I don't know all the details of this case, but this is a little boy who is going to die at some point, sooner rather than later.  His extended family wants to care for him and is willing and able to do so.  What is the problem?  https://www.change.org/p/dannel-malloy-bring-jaxon-gilmore-home
While both of these situations are complicated, there is one simple commonality.  Two families have had their ability to make decisions and care for their children taken away from them.  These are not families who have been abusive, who are living on the street, or otherwise need desperate help.  These are two medically complicated situations where the people who should be integrally involved in the making of those decisions have been pushed out.  While it feels sordid to talk about money and children's lives, there is the reality that the cost for litigation and medical care for both of these children is probably enormous and perhaps finding a way to support these families through would be less expensive both in terms of money and emotional/physical trauma.
Again, I will be clear that I don't know all the details of either of these cases, and don't pretend to know what I would do if I were the state or the families in question.  I do know that there appears to be an increasing level of intervention into the most personal decisions of families.  We fight about birth control and abortion, intimate choices that determine when families even begin.  The hypocrisy is everywhere.  "You must have that baby, but once you have it, we aren't going to give you any assistance; you're on your own."
Everyday we hear cases where children have died or been abused at the hands of their caregivers.  Everyday we hear of children who have been shot accidentally or intentionally with guns in their homes.  My cynical side notices that the children who have died due to abuse or neglect are often from families who are torn apart by poverty, drug abuse, etc...  They have often been on the radar for a long time.  There is no money to be made from helping these children.  The children killed by their parents or caregivers guns?  Terrible tragedies, but we couldn't possible strengthen gun laws or even require safety equipment on guns that would make it impossible for many of those accidents to happen.  That wouldn't be right.  The gun lobby would also be pissed and maybe take their money elsewhere.  Children from loving families who are making alternative decisions about medical care?  How dare they!  We know what's best and we will make the decisions.
Parents being arrested for letting their children play in a park, sledding in public places being banned.  What's next?
I think back a few years to when Jeff and I made a decision "against medical advice" for one of our children.  We were confident in our decision and the Doctor who didn't know us or our daughter from a whole in the wall had us sign all kinds of paperwork and made dire warnings that we wouldn't be able to get care at that particular hospital if the situation arose again.  I guess we are lucky that custody of our child was not taken away from us.
Who decides "who knows best"?  Our laws should be in place to protect and serve.  To support and guide.  NOT to terrorize and punish.  Families who are making difficult decisions need to be supported and treated with respect.  They need to be an equal part of the decision making team, but ultimately they bear the final responsibility and to have that ripped away from them?  Feels a little too Orwellian for my taste.

I CHOOSE PEACE

2013 has been a suckish year.  I just looked over my last few posts and am tired of hearing myself complain!  I really have a pretty amazing life, but this year has been filled with grief, loss, illness and stress.  I've spent the year comforting, crying with, caring for and yelling at the people I love the most.  Each "beginning" I say "fresh start!" Beginning of Spring, beginning of summer, beginning of school... Each one has been tainted by grief.  As someone who generally dreads the shortening days, I look forward to the end of this year and a fresh beginning in 2014.

Our own personal grief and loss is one thing.  We can talk about it, process it, explain it.  People get sick, people die.  It's what happens.  All we can do is share memories and care for those left behind. It is a sad, but normal part of life.

What is difficult to wrap my brain around is the seemingly increasing grief and loss in the world.  Every time I turn on the radio, tv or computer, there's been another shooting or bombing.  Another mother is mourning.  Another father is weeping.  Mass shootings continue.  After each one, attention ramps up, but those with the guns and money are louder and more persistent and we go back to our lives while those directly affected try to pick up the pieces.  The amount of money spent on protecting the "rights" of gun owners, while we fight for every dollar for education, healthcare and even food, is outrageous.  We don't even realize how many gun deaths since Sandy Hook have happened.

We say that the bombings and massacres in the Middle East aren't OUR problem.  It's those "others."  We ignore them until it directly affects us and then we blame them, pushing us all further into "us" and "them."  Encouraging "them" to hate us.  They are DIFFERENT.  When a beautiful, smart young woman who happens to be an American of Indian descent, much like I'm an American of Norwegian descent, garners an obscene flurry of racist, hateful comments simply by being crowned Miss America, it's easy to see why the world might hate us.  WE ARE HATEFUL TO OUR OWN CITIZENS.  I'm ashamed.

IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.

I'm 45 years old and I struggle with trying to understand the hate and ugliness in the world.  My youngest is 14 and experiences waves of sadness that sometimes threaten to carry her away.  I can only assume that her personal sadness about losing Auntie Ellen and her Grandpa this year are made more intense by the sadness, grief and pain she sees in the world.  She is too old to shelter, but too young to understand. I can't explain it and I can't hide it or ignore it.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY.

I can only choose to move forward.  We must TEACH our children to choose love and compassion.  We must TEACH them that caring for others is how they will save the world.  We must SHOW them that bullies don't win.  There is so much going on in schools around bullying, but where do we think it starts?  When do we pay as much attention to the grown-up bullies in our communities and governments?  The NRA?  BULLIES.  Tyrants and Dictators around the world?  BULLIES.
Children learn what they see and live and when they see the bullies getting the power and control, they learn that to be in charge you must be a bully too.

I CHOOSE PEACE.

This Saturday, Sept. 21st is the International Day of Peace.  I will spend it with colleagues, friends, family and strangers, at Elizabeth Park in Hartford, CT.  From 10 am -1 pm we will be together.

WE WILL PREPARE PEACE ~ RALLY PEACE ~ SPEAK PEACE ~ CELEBRATE PEACE

We will TEACH our children that PEACE AND LOVE WIN.

We will TEACH our children that to change the world for the better we must COME TOGETHER.

We will TEACH our children that there is HOPE, but they must be STRONG and VOCAL.

We can STEP UP and be louder and more persistent about PEACE and LOVE or we can go on about our lives, shaking our heads, wringing our hangs and participating in memorials, while those with the guns and money and power allow our world to be destroyed by hate and violence.

What will you choose?

"It is not enough to teach children how to read, write and count. Education has to cultivate mutual respect for others and the world in which we live, and help people forge more just, inclusive and peaceful societies."

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon 

Love wins

Yesterday was 9/11.  An Anniversary we will forever remember.  I was a younger mom, grateful to be with my neighbor on a terrible day.  The next day I began my life's work with my first Music Together classes and that's what I choose to remember.  I will always remember that as sad as we were, coming together in a community to sing brought joy and healing to our community.

This year was different for me.  I didn't want to focus on the tragedy.  I wanted to get on with my day and sing and dance with the new families that came to my demo classes.  I found myself feeling uncharacteristically annoyed by some of the remembrances.  Don't get me wrong ~ I will always feel the pain of that day and the overwhelming swelling of pride at how we as a country came together.

I couldn't help thinking that all the "remembrances" and "memorials" in the world mean squat if we cannot get our act together and change how we live in the world.  If we cannot create a community that cares for the least of these and welcomes people of all races and religions and orientations to our shores, we will continue to allow hate to fester.

When we are bickering at the national level about ensuring that ALL children have enough food to eat and that ALL people should have access to basic health care, we ignore that when people are desperate, they do desperate things.

When time is spent protecting the "rights" of gun owners, and "memorializing" the hundreds of thousands of people killed by guns in the US, we send a message to the world that we don't care about the weakest of our citizens.

I spent much of my life watching what I said.  I didn't want to "offend" people or hurt their feelings or whatever.   Over the last 5 years, since I hit the magic 4-0, that's been changing.  Maybe that's what it is to finally grow up.  Maybe I've just gotten tired of listening to people talk nonsense.  Maybe my filter is faulty.  I still prefer to debate and discuss.  My intention is never to offend or hurt.

But I won't keep my mouth shut anymore when I see injustice or stupidity.

Caring for others is never a bad thing.  Looking the other way is unacceptable.  Blindly following the crowd is stupid.  I prefer to live my life with my eyes open, sharing love and kindness with the world.  Love will always win. 

Day of Independence

The 4th of July is about more than picnics and fireworks ~ like other holidays I think the meaning is sometimes lost in the "fun".
Growing up, 4th of July was a big deal.  My parents love their country and we always celebrated in some way, often with a powerful moment of remembrance in addition to the picnics and fireworks that were always a part of it.  In 1976 I remember going to Fort Snelling in MN with my cousins.  I'm not even sure it was actually on the 4th, but in 1976, the 4th of July lasted for several days!
When our first child was a baby, we went to the fireworks in Boston with college friends and aside from the crush of people, had a great time.  The Boston Pops and the Fireworks were amazing - being with so many others to celebrate our country's birthday was amazing!
What saddens me is that these days I don't feel the same way.  
I grew up feeling incredible pride in my country and I still love it and am thankful that this is my home.  After traveling in Eastern Europe in 1988, I will never take my freedom for granted.
 My children have grown up in a different world than I did.  I know that the US wasn't perfect in the 70's and 80's, but there was a different sense of respect for the overall position of our country and those leading it.  Big mistakes like Watergate, were obviously taken on, but we didn't follow every move every legislator made and they didn't "tweet" everything they did. We didn't OBSESS about our leaders being personally FLAWLESS.  Maybe we did, but knew less because our access to their personal lives was limited by lack of technology.  Perhaps that was a good thing.
We miss out today because some of those who could be incredible leaders choose not to put themselves and their families under the intense microscope we now use to make sure everyone is FLAWLESS.  Why are we surprised then when word gets out that some legislator had an affair, or made some other personal MISTAKE.  By expecting perfection, we have created our own governmental nightmare filled with congressman and senators who portray themselves as FLAWLESS and above it all and therefore in a position to tell us how to live our lives.  We know they are NOT perfect, simply better at hiding their indiscretions and mistakes.
Maybe it's social media, maybe it's because those in positions of power can't get their act together, maybe it's because we spend more time making excuses for why we can't do the right thing instead of just doing the right thing.  Whatever it is, it seems like more often I am disappointed and frustrated with the way things are going.  Our tolerance for personal failings has vanished.  If something someone says 30 years ago can practically destroy a career, why would any of us step out into the limelight?  WE ARE HUMAN.  WE MAKE MISTAKES.  No wonder our children are stressed.
When we as a country could do great things, we spend time trying to take away safety nets from those who need them most because "BIG GOVERNMENT IS BAD."  At the same time ridiculous amounts of time and money are being spent trying to dictate who can love who and what women can and cannot do with their bodies, there is something wrong.  We protect the rights of those who feel they should be able to have as many weapons designed to kill PEOPLE as they want because it's their RIGHT, while we fail to protect the RIGHTS of our smallest citizens as they go to school.  The rest of the time is spent making sure that the "other guy" can't get anything done.  THIS MEANS NOTHING GETS DONE.

I want to be proud of my country and over the last several weeks, there have been more and more reasons to feel like the tide is turning ~ I want that tide to continue.  I want a flood of common sense and good will towards others.  I want tolerance and forgiveness.  I want my children to love their country.  I want good people to lead us even if they have "mistakes" in their past.  Maybe I want them there because they've made mistakes.  I want them to roll up their sleeves and get to work even if it means compromising with the "other guy." I want freedom, but I want us to accept the responsibility that comes with freedom.  Maybe I want perfection???  Nah, that would be boring.

I'm so angry

I'm so angry.  I've been blogging in my head for days now and nothing has seemed quite right.  I've wanted to be sensitive and not offend anyone.  I've wanted to just share the love.  That's what I do right?  Share the LOVE.
How is it possible that there have been 31 horrific school shootings since Columbine, yet we have not had the courage to step up and regulate weapons created to do nothing other than kill people. We have not had the courage to commit, as a society, to care for those in our world who most need our help and support.  We leave the most desperate families, children and individuals to fend for themselves and then we blame everyone else when something finally happens.  SHAME ON US.
I have not slept well or eaten much since Friday.  My stomach has been lodged in my throat and I am focused on caring for my own family which is having its own struggles right now.  Sleep eludes me.

I have refused to read the paper, or watch the news for days.  Anytime I catch a glimpse of one of the victims of Friday's massacre, I feel like I'm intruding on the most personal of tragedies.  I wanted to go to a local vigil the other night and then felt bad when I couldn't make myself go.  I don't feel bad anymore, at least about that.  I think our public displays of grief and support are important for many people.  I did watch the President's address at the vigil in Newtown and appreciated his words.
For me personally it feels selfish.  This is not "my" tragedy.  It is not "my" pain.  Over the past two decades every time something tragic happens, the public response has become bigger and bigger and the outpouring of support is greater and greater.  I can't help feeling like our need to "share" the burden and pain is intrusive and disrespectful.

I did not lose a child or a friend or a parent on Friday.  Most of us didn't.  We were lucky - our children are safely at school today.  My teacher husband is safely at his school doing his job, ready to "protect" his kids.  Maybe we need to light candles and gather to feel like we are doing SOMETHING, when really there is nothing we can do.  At least not for those children and teachers who are now gone.

I feel like this makes me sound hard.  I have done my own weeping and praying, privately.

I'M SO ANGRY!  Here comes the rant...

Over and over and OVER again, these events happen.  Over and over and OVER again, we cry and weep and send teddy bears and raise money and hug and light candles and sing songs of peace and love.

Then, WE DO NOTHING.

SHAME ON US.

We continue to allow bullies like the NRA dictate gun policy.  While civilized countries around the world have found ways to drastically reduce gun violence through real legislation, we allow BULLIES to decide who should be allowed to have WEAPONS DESIGNED TO KILL PEOPLE.

SHAME ON US.

We continue to refuse to take responsibility for the sick and destitute.  We tout personal responsibility, but don't take it for ourselves or our families.  We leave the mentally ill and their family members to fend for themselves.  We light candles, sing songs, share platitudes and then go Christmas shopping.

SHAME ON US.

I'm so angry and so tired and while I desperately want to feel hopeful that maybe this time will be different, I'm having a hard time seeing that light.  God is weeping for his people and their foolishness.