different but good

This Thanksgiving marks the first holiday in 25 years that we will not be with at least one of our three children. When this first sank in, it felt very strange. What would that be like? Then it felt strange because I felt ok. Shouldn't I be sad? I've been turning it around in my head for a few weeks now and here are some of my thoughts ~

     It's just a day. I'm thankful everyday for my children, my family, my friends. Any chance we have to be together whether it's for a big feast or a quick dinner in the middle of the week is a chance to be thankful and enjoy time together.

     As a family, we have created a way of being that includes welcoming others to our table AND accepting the kindness of others to join them at theirs. Living far away from family means that our holiday table has often included a changing guest list - last Christmas was the first ever that we had Christmas Eve with just the 5 of us and it was odd. We also have not always been home, so while we have our traditions, they have remained flexible, making it easy not to get locked into "but we have to do it this way," kind of thinking. This year, Jeff and I will be in Canada with part of his family and will celebrate Thanksgiving on Saturday! Child number one will be house/dog-sitting for us, and is thinking about hosting a "friends" Thanksgiving. Child number two will spend the holiday with her boyfriend's family and child number three will be with my brother and his family. While we will not be together, we will all be thankful and enjoy the company of people we appreciate and care for.

     While I have moments when I miss my children terribly, most of the time, I'm living my life, of which they are a part. They are not the center. I love hearing about the people they are meeting and sharing time with. I love that my son is finding enjoyment in hosting and feeding people in the same way that his Dad and I do. I love hearing stories from people who host my daughter's about their comfort level in engaging in conversation with friends AND strangers.

This year I will give thanks that those I love all have some place to be where they are loved and appreciated. I will give thanks that my children are growing into loving, compassionate, giving people who are comfortable sharing their gifts and their table with others.

There is comfort in tradition and in family rituals for sure ~ growing up, my family's Christmas celebrations were filled with consistency and tradition which I loved and found comfort in. When I began my family, I tried to create some of these with my children. What I've realized however, is that when we become too attached to tradition, it can limit our ability to open ourselves to new people and new experiences. In today's ever changing world, we need to be opening ourselves to others, not closing them off. The political climate would suggest we need to isolate ourselves from others to be "safe." This is so wrong! The more we can learn about and engage with others, the more we eat, drink, sing and dance with others, the more we open ourselves to those who are different, the faster the walls that divide us fall away. It is much harder to hate and hurt those you have shared a meal with. It is harder to turn away from someone you have made music with.

This Thanksgiving I will miss my children at the table. I will talk with them all and look forward to seeing them in a few weeks. I will enjoy time with my husband, my in-laws, my nieces and nephews. I will relish our time together and over the next month will look for ways to help other's feel loved and cared for.

I will remind myself that it's one day. I will remember to be thankful EVERY day. I will give thanks.

Trusting your kids to "do the job"

There is nothing like pulling together a group of people to create something and then letting them go! This past weekend was the Ellington Community Theatre production of "Annie!" As some of you know, one of the hats I wear is 'Producer' of ECT. Over the course of less than two months, we take a group of 75 people ranging in age from 5 - 50+, and put a show on the stage! In addition to the 75 participants, there is a staff of 9 and at least 30 volunteers.

My job is the hardest and the easiest - ultimately I'm responsible for the end result. If participants (or audience members) are unhappy, the buck stops with me. That is a lot of pressure! However, when I find good people who know their job and then get out of the way and let them do it, I can sit back and "enjoy the show!"

I think maybe we all need to take on the role of Producer more often in our lives - find people with the skills needed for any particular job and then trust them to do it.

One of my frustrations with education lately is the constant second guessing of teachers. We hire people to teach but then we micro-manage them and fill their days with paperwork, testing and reporting, so they can't actually do the thing we hired them to do. We get in the way!

We do the same thing with our partners and children. We give them jobs or assume they will take care of certain tasks, but then we get in their way and try to control how they do it. I've been guilty lately of doing this with my young adult daughters and $. I have raised smart, thoughtful girls. They are fully capable of figuring out a budget and managing their resources. They might have to mess up a few times, but this is the time to do it - emptying your checking account when you are 18 and don't have a mortgage to pay is way easier to deal with than when you HAVE a mortgage, or car payment, or what have you.

Money is a hot button issue for me - I am often stressed about it and my children know it. My son has figured it out (as far as I know!). As a college student he took full responsibility for all non-school expenses after a number of arguments about how he was spending his money. This was probably the single best thing to happen to our relationship EVER. For whatever reason, I haven't drawn a line with his sisters, but it's time to do that. By holding onto that control, I'm holding them back from learning valuable lessons about being an adult. This is the time when mistakes will have the least impact.

I'm also telling them I don't trust them to "do the job" of being a young adult and all that entails. I think because money has been tricky for me, I'm afraid that I haven't taught them what they need to know ~ my guess is that it's the opposite. I trust them in so many other ways, it's time to trust them with their finances too.