This week I've been obsessed with what I'm going to be when I grow up. I'm 44. I've been a Therapist, a Youth Services Coordinator, a Mom and an Early Childhood Music Specialist. I've loved all these roles for different reasons (ok I didn't really love being a Therapist, but it was nice to "help" people).
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice. If she could go tomorrow she would. Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year. I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own. Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:
~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?
I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family. Why am I not satisfied?
I want to change the world in a BIG way. Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow. I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow. I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart. It's taken me a long time to say that out loud. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.
Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more? I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice. If she could go tomorrow she would. Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year. I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own. Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:
~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?
I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family. Why am I not satisfied?
I want to change the world in a BIG way. Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow. I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow. I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart. It's taken me a long time to say that out loud. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.
Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more? I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.
Jane,
ReplyDeleteYes, others lie awake at night pondering these same questions...I do! I think as we get older and we experience new and different things, we have to grow...we must...life is growth...because we are not stagnent (sp?) we change...and we try new things...like you, I have had several different jobs, including wife and mom...and recently daughter again to aging parents which is so very different too. SO as life throws all this stuff at us, we begin to see life through various lens.
How in the world can we know what we want to do the rest of our lives at the age of 18. Hats off to those who do, but I didn't. One thing I knew for sure was that music would be a part of my life and it has!! Through church, school, teaching, volunteering, camp, and now again in my current job~there was music! there IS music!
I am rambling but just know you are not alone in this journey. I am glad the journey has various trips and side trips too...ups and downs...and I am not alone...with good friends & family and God always there by my side.
Judy
And you are most certainly using your gifts, Jane!!!! For sure!!!!
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