Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

Happy May Day!

May is here!
May is always a big month for me. There is something about the new babies, flowering trees, warmer temperatures and new energy that gets me going.

May is my birth month. It's the month of Mother's Day and the birth month of child number 2. It feels celebratory and inspiring. It feels validating.

This May will include a series of "lasts." Our last Prom. Our last HS musical production. Our last HS concert. While we are ready to graduate from HS for the last time, I would be totally lying if I said that each of these "lasts" weren't tinged with a little sadness. I want to relish each of them. I want to fully experience them with my child so I can really and truly say goodbye to this chapter of my life.

This month I also dig deeper into creating a new professional path for myself. My Music Together work just gets richer and more satisfying and will continue on. In addition to this work I'm beginning to explore the world of Life Coaching. I'm in the early phase where I'm creating an identity and a focus. Who is my ideal client? What can I teach them? How can I support them? What do I have to offer? Lots of questions to answer! Having a coach to take me through this process is certainly the only way I would actually make it happen, but at times it feels indulgent. I need to own the investment and take full advantage of the opportunities to learn and grow if I am to be successful. I don't have to do it by myself.

While my momentum is building, I'm still finding myself "hiding" in my nest ~ putting off my list of "to-do's" in favor of snuggling with the dogs. Watching netflix with child number 3. I don't quite trust my wings yet. To feel safe I need to build my network of support. Those who will catch me if I fall. Isn't this what parenting is all about?? I feel almost as if I'm 18 again and ready to leap... but not quite.

As parents, we create a "nest" for our young ones. A safe space to learn and grow. Some children can't wait to jump out and others need a little more time to feel safe. Either way, we want them to know that they can always come back if they need to ~ to re-group, re-charge, re-focus.
Sometimes they jump before they are ready ~ we want to catch them when they fall, but some fall too fast.
Sometimes they get stuck and refuse to jump ~ a nudge becomes necessary to get them moving! If they don't trust themselves, we need to help them along by making it clear that WE trust them. We know they have what it takes to create a life for themselves. If we have done our job as parents, they will trust US, take a breath, spread their wings, and fly.
One way or another, our children will grow and go. When that happens it's back to us. Deep sigh.

In less than 6 weeks, Helen will graduate from HS. Both girls will spend the summer working at Camp Calumet in NH as they have before, and then will head to college; one for the first year, and one for the last year. My truly empty nest begins soon.

Here's the thing though. There will always be room in my "nest" for anyone who needs a place to re-group, re-charge, re-focus. Sometimes it will be my children. Sometimes it will be friends. Hopefully it will be future clients. A "nest" isn't just a physical home for me. It is a metaphorical "safe space." A judgement free zone where you don't need to apologize for resting your "wings."

Through the season of new life, new energy and new beginnings, I will be taking time to sink in to my "nest." I will continue to develop my skills and "muscles." I will continue to soak up the "lasts" with Helen and will be available to her as much as I can be to enjoy it all.

In June, she and I will both fly out into the world. 

From nice to nasty...

"I'm not nice, I'm not good, I'm just right..."  

 the Witch    "Into the Woods"

When I was small, I wanted to be liked. I wanted people to think I was nice and smart and pretty. I wanted to be popular. The focus of many things I did was to please others. My biggest fear? Disappointing my parents. My next biggest fear? Making anyone (other than my siblings!) mad at me. In school I followed directions, followed the rules, followed the crowd. When the popular girls got Guess jeans, I had to get Guess jeans. When they cut their hair like Farrah Fawcett, I cut my hair like Farrah Fawcett. The only reason I didn't follow the crowd when they made questionable but typical choices for HS students like drinking or smoking pot, was because of my biggest fear. Remember? Disappointing my parents.

Lately, the Stephen Sondheim musical "Into the Woods" has been running through my head on an endless loop. When I was young I would have been Cinderella - nice. Unwilling to make waves or even make a decision because it might be the wrong one. Like so many girls, I thought I needed to be nice and pretty first, smart second. The influences of the world can be huge when you are a child - you listen to everything. Today with the internet and social media it is exponentially harder to not hear and be influenced by "the world." 

As I grew there were times when something didn't seem right and I began to experiment with pushing back and questioning what I was hearing and seeing. A Liberal Arts education opened my world a little bit to one where perhaps there were more important things than being nice and pretty. I began to form my own opinions on topics of importance. Reproductive rights, education, politics, religion. I still resisted speaking out too loudly except for with a small group of trusted friends, but in my head and heart, a passion for equality and social justice was starting to burn.

When I became a mother at 25, I tested the waters as an advocate. The hormones that raged through me as I nurtured and gave birth to my first born pushed me to question hospital protocol that seemed contrary to all I had read and learned about childbirth. I formulated a birth plan that helped my husband and best friend protect me from procedures I didn't want. I didn't push too hard though as I still didn't want to make anyone mad or upset with me. I questioned some of my carefully researched plan and ended up medicated and feeling like I'd failed. Looking back, it was clear that the only thing that kept me from a C-Section was that plan and being able to point to it to protect myself and my child from procedures that had no merit, but at the time I felt like I'd failed.

When my child was born, I took a step away from "nice." As I held his warm body in my arms I felt the first stirring of the mama bear in me who would do ANYTHING to protect my child. No nursery, no circumcision, no formula or water - he would have only the nourishment I could provide and he would stay with me. When despite difficulty and pain, my little one had gained a pound in a week from the milk I provided, my confidence in myself grew exponentially. Not only did I grow this magical being in my womb, I was now capable of providing all he needed to grow and develop - so powerful!

The Baker's Wife in the musical is much more ambiguous than Cinderella. She is flawed and bossy. She will do anything to have the child she desires. She is the first to indicate that the "end justifies the beans (means)." He ambition to have a child and live a bigger life than she has hurts those she loves, but at the same time she would and does give her life for them. As a young mother I was still uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing, angering or hurting others, but with a child to protect and care for, my priorities began to shift. I began to work more earnestly at finding ways to advocate for what I believed in while keeping the peace in relationships when I could. 

At the same time I was mothering, I began work as a therapist and youth advocate - my voice for justice became louder and more confident around issues that affected children and families. My desire to do this work while continuing to be "nice" took a toll on me and my family as I held it together in the world then came home and "let it all out." Like the Baker's Wife I was critical of my husband and would pick fights and make demands. Like the Baker, my husband loved me and support me anyways.

Child number two came along and having gained confidence in my body and my intuition and knowledge, I took control of her birth. I found caregivers who respected and support me and when she burst into the world, my arms were the first ones she knew. She was a mighty little being and her demands to be cared for while exhausting, pushed me to be focused and to trust her needs and my ability to meet them. Upon her entry to this world, I felt strong and powerful! "I am woman, hear me roar!" 

Over the next 20 years, another child arrived and choices were made around work and family that were not what I imagined when I was in college and pictured a career saving the world, but they were choices that made sense and taught me much about love and priorities. These 20 years continued to be filled with challenges that pushed me to think less about being "nice." Raising 3 children with varying temperaments and needs led me to challenge so many systems and protocols that made no sense. We researched vaccinations and chose a Doctor who respected us and worked to vaccinate our children in a way that made sense to us rather than insisting that we follow a schedule that we were uncomfortable with. When our second child, as an infant, refused to be cared for by anyone other than me, I proposed a schedule to my employer that allowed me to bring her with me to work until she was 9 months old. When our first became increasingly unhappy in school, we opted to pull him out and homeschool him for a year until we found a school that better fit his style of learning. 

When our second child lost herself during her Jr. year of High School and was hospitalized, we stood outside the doors of the locked psych ward and refused to leave without her. We trusted our intuition that her needs would be better met with caregivers we found outside. We signed the form they gave us saying we were taking her against medical advice and never looked back. She rediscovered herself with much support and continued her journey to becoming the amazing young woman she is.

When our third child followed her sister and lost her way Jr. year, we dug in, did the work, pushed those in her wider world to give her the support and care she needed to find her path once again. 

For many years my children pushed me to question my need to please. While I wanted them to do things because "that's how it's done," they made me ask why. When my little boy said "why do I have to keep doing these worksheets when I already know how to solve the problems?" I couldn't answer him any longer. When my infant declared loudly that she would stay with no one but me, she pushed me to create a new reality where my family and my work made sense. When the powers that be said they knew my children better than I did, my CHILDREN made me question everything. "Just because," or "because I said so" or "because that's the rule," were not acceptable answers.  

My youngest is months away from leaving the nest. All three of them are on paths of their own choosing. They are thoughtful, smart, caring, compassionate people who refuse to do things just because it's the rule or because someone told them to. I don't agree with them on all their choices, but they have learned to present their arguments and they push me to challenge my preconceived notions of life. While I thought I was teaching them to be "nice," the life they pushed me to live "showed" them that being "nice" and being "good" are not always the same thing nor are they the same as being "right."  

Over the last several months in particular, all they have taught me has begun to push me out of the nest. The election of 2016 and the inauguration of someone who is bent on destroying all that is good in this country has propelled me to stand up and speak out. There have been those who have suggested I am no longer "nice." I've begun to take that as a sign of strength. When "good" is on the line, "nice" is no longer enough. The witch sings "I'm not nice, I'm not good, I'm just right." She is the one who challenges the world and all it's flaws. She is the one who reminds us that it is not what we say, but what we do that children are learning from. They are watching and listening.  

"Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the things you do children will learn..." 

In these precarious times, I've decided I would rather be "nasty" than "nice" if I must choose. I would rather be on the "right" side of history. If being "nice" means sitting by and watching as evil begins to take over our world, I won't do it. I no longer care if my growing passion for activism pushes some to "dislike" me because I speak out. I want my children to see me walking the walk and talking the talk. They have taught me that while compassion and empathy are critical, just being "nice" is not enough. When I started my journey from "nice girl" to "nasty woman" I didn't want to disappoint my parents - this still holds true. What pushed me to own and proudly accept the title "Nasty Woman" is that now, I don't want to disappoint my children. 

Yesterday my son called me "fierce." 

Fresh Starts

Starting fresh ~  I am the queen of the "fresh start."  I love to start things over, like budgets, lists, plans ~ anything that I can't seem to finish, I just decide to start over.  I'm pretty sure that this can be a useful strategy for a lot of things, but sometimes it seems like it's just an escape from something that isn't working. When do you just move on?
Starting over a list because it's gotten out of control and you have so many checks and marks and scribbles that you can't even see what's still on the list seems like a good use of the "fresh start" strategy.
Starting over a recipe when you've been trying to multi-task and have doubled some ingredients but not everything and you've completely forgotten few ingredients, also seems like a good time to "start fresh."
Starting over a budget because priorities have changed, line items have morphed and your current software makes it difficult to modify too much seems reasonable.  Starting over a budget because you don't like the numbers seems futile.

I'm thinking about giving my blog a fresh start ~ my current platform is really set up for a personal blog.  If it is to become part of my "work", it may make sense to start it over and rebuild using resources more designed for it's new purpose. The question is, am I considering a "fresh start" because it makes sense given my revised direction, or because trying to figure out ad's etc. on my current platform is hard? How hard does in need to be before it makes more sense to "start fresh?" Starting over on a new platform would probably mean asking for help, investing some resources in having someone who knows what they're doing help me out, or taking time away from other work to dig in a figure it out myself.

One of the tricky things about working for oneself, or doing work that is not compensated monetarily (being a mom, a volunteer, etc) is coming up with a way to value your time.  When is it better to pay someone else to do something that I could do, but that they could do in significantly less time?

In business I've gotten better at figuring this out.  I have a ballpark figure of what I "pay" myself.  There are some tasks (like bookkeeping) that it is more economical to pay someone else to do because it would take me twice the time and end up costing more. With a blog that is not yet earning money, how do I decide when it's time to pay someone else to help get it up and running in a new way, assuming that those expenses will be recouped when I have a wildly successful blog, vs. just taking my time to figure it out at my leisure because I really have no idea whether it will turn into anything more than it is?

How do you value your time?  As a mom and volunteer I struggle with placing a dollar value on myself.  Where this can be so frustrating is that we live in a culture that puts a monetary value on everything - if something costs a lot it must be more valuable.  When I look too closely at what this says about what we "value" as a country, I am so discouraged.

We spend unbelievable amounts of money on technology and other things, on concerts, on sporting events, meals out and entertainment of all sorts.  We pay for what we value, so what does that say about how we value children and education?  Childcare workers are some of the most poorly paid people in our country.  Teachers in many parts of the country have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet.  We "pay" for college degrees, but we don't "pay" the very people who are teaching our students what they need to learn - in many academic settings the actual professors are paid for research while graduate assistants who are still students themselves are being paid poorly to "teach" college students.  What are we actually paying for here?  Facilities, a "name", layers of bureaucracy. This is something I'd like to dive into more later, but it's a whole other blog!

When do we decide to make a "fresh start?" Is that even possible?  When do we decide that rather than fixing a political system, or an educational system or any kind of "system," that it's time for a "fresh start?" A "clean slate?"  While all this gets mulled about, I'm going to go create a fresh list for the week - Monday is a great day for a "fresh start."

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

Shining a light on some Mama's

It's Monday morning.  I made my list and now I'm ignoring it.  The need to write and process life is feeling too strong.  I guess just like rules are made to be broken, lists are made to be ignored.

The last few weeks have been filled with sadness ~ four lovely women gone, 3 of them too soon, one gone peacefully.  Riots, violence, Nepal, nastiness in the news.  On and on.  It can overwhelm the heart and soul. I've struggled with blogging, because it has seemed like so much of what's on my mind is dark and heavy.
The sun is shining, life is amazing in so many ways, and yet I'm so sad.  Sometimes a hug, a deep breath, and thinking of someone else is the only thing that can lift me out of darkness.
I'm getting really good at deep breaths after 22 years of being a mama, and I get more hugs in my life than anyone deserves, so it's time to think of someone else.
A post on Facebook inspired me to focus my blogging for now on those who have touched me or my family in special ways. The world spends so much time watching and focusing on the darkness and the violence and I'm tired of it. My focus for a while will be on the amazing people who make my world and my family's world beautiful.

With Mother's Day approaching, I want to shine a light on a few of the many "Mama's" who have shown me the way.
My Mama, Juanita, has taught me so much from the beginning. Always there but never intrusive or overly directive, she taught me how to be present for my children without dominating them.  I remember in Junior High and High School, coming home from school so many times, yelling down the basement to say hello (she would be doing laundry or something!), and then not seeing her until dinner, but I KNEW SHE WAS THERE.  I was a very dramatic, emotional kid and while I'm sure I overwhelmed my Mama at times, she never let it show.  I grew up with a rock.  Even when we made each other nutty, I never doubted that she loved me and was there anytime I needed her.  Hundreds of miles away this still holds true today.  I'm sure that some of my life choices have left her questioning, but for the most part she has trusted me to follow my path and kept her doubts to herself.  As my own children begin forging their paths in the world, I hope I can do the same.
My Mother-in-Law, Noreen, came into my life when I was still so young.  Getting married at 23 felt a little like playing house.  While my MIL is very different from my Mama, she also taught me so much about being a wife and a mother and a woman.  She loved me from the beginning because I loved her son.  She would share her advice and opinions freely, but would support us even when we disagreed.  As someone who is not particularly good at organizing my household and my life, I learned so much over the years about juggling work and family.  I continue to relish my relationship with my MIL and again hope that I will be as gracious and loving to the future life partners of my children as she has been to me.
One more Mama who helped me find my way is my dear friend Julie~  I met Julie in graduate school and while the time we were in close contact was short, just a few years, she continues to be one of those Mama-friends I have thought of often over the years, and on those rare occasions we are able to talk or see each other, the years melt away and it's as if we've never been apart.
What I learned from Julie about being a Mama was how to own my power and my voice.  From pregnancy and birth choices, to breastfeeding, cloth diapering, questioning everything.... she opened my eyes to the power of listening to my body, my babies, and my heart.  She helped me find my voice as a Mama bear and those early lessons of being mama's together shaped so many of the decisions I've made over the past 22 years.  Being a Mama isn't easy and having women around you who trust and value you as a Mama and a woman is an amazing gift.
I hope I have been and will continue to be a guide, friend and support to the many Mama's I cross path's with. The Mama's who have guided me will always be in my heart. Sadly women can be so hard on each other. Finding ways to support and hold up each other regardless of the choices we make as women and mothers would go a long way to strengthening our power and our ability to raise strong healthy children.  Isn't that how we will ultimately make the world a better place?

Hold your breath and jump!

This is a big weekend.  I'm both excited and terrified.  I'm not a thrill seeker - I don't like roller coasters or other activities that put my physical self in danger.  When my children were small though, I discovered that while I was not a thrill seeker, I LOVED seeing my children take risks and succeed.

When Andrew was about 2 we went to a playground nearby and he kept heading for this giant climbing thing.  I kept following him and taking him off.  "It's too big!"  He was persistent though and at some point I let him climb, staying nearby to "spot" him.  Wouldn't you know he made it to the top by himself and the look on his face was PRICELESS.  As he grew he continued to explore things like trees and jungle gyms.  As a young man, he loves to explore the woods, fly down the road on his long board and push himself to master the practice of Yoga.  I love to hear about his adventures!

Katy was a thrill seeker from day one from the moment that she burst out of me.  She has always been a jumper, diver, tumbler, flyer etc...  From tree climbing, swing jumping, roller coasters, gymnastics, trampolines, diving, etc... She loves the physical thrill of pushing her body and mind to JUMP!

Tomorrow my bundle of energy and nerve turns 18.  When she turned 15 she wanted to skydive.  We said when you're 18.  We figured she would forget or move on.  Sunday morning she is jumping out of a perfectly good plane and SHE CAN'T WAIT!

I will watch from the ground, take pictures, worry about her, cry, and exalt in her complete GLEE.

While there are times during this "launching" period that are really hard for me, I am so excited to see what comes next for my Katy.  I will miss her terribly, and will worry sometimes too.  You can't send a child out into today's world without worrying about something.  BUT, I will look forward to hearing about her adventures and discoveries, her thrills and disappointments.

Tomorrow it all begins in earnest.  Turning 18, jumping out of a plane, launching herself into HER future.

I will hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

so it begins...

This weekend was the beginning for me.  A recognition that Katy is really heading to college next year; a long way from home.  A REALLY long way from home.  It seems like Andy just got back from his "Luther" visit in January of 2011.  Somehow we've sped to 2014, and while Andy decided against Luther, Katy is more sure than ever that it is the place for her.

I can't disagree and I'm sure I will blog numerous times about the merits of my Alma Mater, but today is about the recognition that the next 8 months are going to fly by.  If I'm really honest, it's only 5 and a half months before she heads out of "the nest," first to Calumet and then Luther.

The first time around (launching Andy), I was weepy from January on as I prepared myself, prematurely, to send my firstborn out into the world.  By the time he actually graduated and headed off to work at Calumet for the summer and then into his dorm at UConn, I was alright.  Granted he was 30 minutes down the road.  We don't see much of him, but just knowing that if he needed us or we needed him, we could get him home in a matter of a lunch break, has made it easier than I expected.  In fact, sometimes it's hard to believe he is halfway through his 3rd year!

This weekend when Katy was at Luther, I remembered how very far away it is.  While we have family and friends nearby who will step in if she ever needs "family", visits from us will be few and far between, and I will mostly be able to "be there" via phone and internet.  I won't be able to just drive over after work and take her out for lunch, or pick her up for a quick visit home.

I have no doubt that she is up to the challenge ~ She is far more independent than I remember being when I went off to college.  She has connected already with professors, coaches, peers, and admissions counselors with no prompting or guidance from us.  She knows where she wants to be and what she wants to do when she gets there.  The only tricky part will be making choices about how she spends her time.

I'm not sad yet.  We have months to go and I know that some of that time will be spent with her pushing us away; it's how it works.  I'll be ready to send her off when it's time.

I'm envious of the experiences she has yet to have and while you couldn't pay me enough to revisit middle school or high school for a minute, I would go back to college any day!

Like her brother, she is growing into an amazing, passionate, thoughtful young person with the potential to change the world for the better.  I'm looking forward to following her journey.

end of the year

This is my last post of 2103.  This year is winding down and I'm ready.  I just watched a brief story on some of the families from Sandy Hook.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of that terrible day one year ago when we witnessed unspeakable horror as a sick young man mowed down 20 babies and 6 brave teachers with weapons he shouldn't have ever had access to.
As that was all unfolding we were in our own personal hell as our sweet 16 year old was struggling with her own demons that threatened to take her away from us.  I sat in my car listening to the news as the death toll rose in Sandy Hook and at the same time waited in fear that my phone would ring with terrible news.
This year has been filled with grief and loss and fear.  Rather than help my children launch I have wanted to bring them back in and shelter them from an increasingly frightening world.
At the same time we struggled to hold it all together, our dear friend Ellen was fighting a much too short and terrible battle with cancer, passing away February 26th.  We grieved again.
With the help of friends and family and doctors we began to pull it together.  For Mother's Day we brought a silly little puppy who we named Thor into our life.  He has brought laughter, love and much joy to our life.  His penchant for eating rugs, baskets, and anything else has reminded us that it's just "stuff" and while we look forward to the day when he outgrows the puppy "chewing" stage, for now it's just "stuff."
I began to release my hold on my children and they made it through the summer dealing with their own mistakes in ways that we could be proud of.
August 16th as we celebrated the end of another awesome summer at Camp Calumet, we received the unbelievable and terrible news that Jeff's Dad had suffered a massive heart attack at 72 and died.  Never in a million years could we imagine that he wouldn't live into his 90's like his mother, Grandma Eleanor, who is still with us at 96.  We were thrown back into grief and sadness just when we were getting our footing back.
The year since then has been more or less normal ~ Our children are finding their way and I am so very proud of the people they are becoming.  Jeff and I are a little worse for wear and with 2014 will work towards taking better care of ourselves.
I'm tired.  I forget that I don't have to do this alone.  My family is surrounded by people who love us and care for us.  I forget that I believe in a God who is loving and kind.  I'm not always sure he (or she) is there, but when I find my faith, I feel calmer and more able to cope.
I'm angry with those who are in power but who do nothing to create a system of care for those who most need it, while filling their pockets with whatever they want.
I am grateful that the children I am sending into the world are more focused on social justice and peace than on accumulating stuff.
I'm hopeful that as this terrible year ends, the days will begin to get longer, the sun will shine and love will win.
I am thankful for the many blessings in my life ~ a partner who is always there for me, children who I love more and more everyday, family and friends who will never let me sink into despair, work that brings me joy.
I know 2014 will be a good year.  I will choose hope and joy and will spread it around liberally.
Like the families of Sandy Hook, I will choose LOVE.

the umbilical cord

BREATHE....

There is nothing like starting the morning with drama.  It doesn't matter what kind of drama, it's just a tough way to start the day.  

Sometimes coffee and a little Today Show can change it up.

Other times a little puppy love does the trick.

Today, who knows.

BREATHE...

The journey to launch children is often harder for mothers than fathers.  I know that I am way more intertwined with my children than their Dad is.  I birthed them, I nursed them, I sent them out to the world.  While the umbilical cord was cut at birth, there is an invisible one that remains.  

"Cut the cord!"  A phrase sometimes used when describing someone who can't seem to separate from his/her parents.

I get that - I hope that once my children head out into the world, they will never move back home again.  I want them to know they can if they need to, but I hope they won't.  I hope that we've given them the skills to take on the world and make it a better place.  I think we have.

I don't like the image of cutting the metaphorical umbilical cord though.  The physical one was cut and from that moment on, each of my children began moving away from me.  

There is an invisible one though that keeps me connected to them.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  

Maybe it's just that the cord should be loose and relaxed most of the time, but still connected.  Allowing them (or me) to pull a little tighter when necessary.

Maybe the trick is knowing when it is "necessary."

Knowing when your teenager needs to work something out for themselves and when they need your help can be hard.  It has always been hard for me to watch my children struggle through something EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THIS IS OFTEN WHEN THE MOST LEARNING TAKES PLACE.  What I'm learning though is that it is sometimes difficult for me NOT because of their struggle, but because of how I'm afraid it reflects on me.

BREATHE...

It is their journey, not mine.  I need to not worry so much about how their journey reflects on me.  I am a good mom.  I am a good parent.  I have taught them well.  Some of the very choices they make that I struggle with are because we have raised them to think for themselves and not blindly follow the herd.

Maybe the "cord" is more like a safety rope when you're climbing.  It's there just in case.  The more responsible and independent they become the more slack you give them until you let it go and they are free.  

For now I will hang on so I can pull in a little tighter when necessary and I will continue to 

BREATHE...

Mama love

This is going to be a challenging post for me, but I'm going to dive right in.  The attached blog post
reasons to calm down about babies crying was so thought provoking for me.  When my babies were small, I absolutely hated to hear them cry.  I thought my job was to meet all their needs until they were big enough, or old enough to meet them.  I was an Attachment Parent all the way!  Especially with my second child.
She was my "high-need" baby.  For the first 6 months of her life she was either in the sling or sleeping next to me ~ she nursed all night long sometimes and was happy as long as she was in physical contact with her mama.  I was SO THANKFUL for attachment parenting as I was certain that if I didn't wear her and co-sleep with her she would be so unhappy and I wouldn't survive her infancy!
Once she was mobile, the constant physical contact decreased, but she continued to be intense.  She could go from 0-60 in no time flat and I was there to soothe her and meet her needs.  While I was exhausted, I was a little smug as well.  Not many other mother's could handle such an intense child!
In many ways Attachment Parenting served me and my children well.  Especially when they were infants.
I had studied Developmental Psychologist Erik Erikson's work in college and was sure that as my children resolved their "developmental issues" like trust vs. mistrust, they would move on and I would have done my job to give them an excellent foundation.  I still believe that in many ways this is what happened.
The above post however, made me think that perhaps my focus on resolving all of my sweet girl's unhappiness was not so useful to her.  Maybe it in fact, took away some of her own power and self-determination.
At 16 we have a lovely, smart, caring, powerful girl who is terrified of her own grief and sadness.  The intensity of her feelings has resulted in interventions I never imagined facing.  In some ways we are doing remedial emotional managment education.  I didn't want to see that by meeting her every emotional need as an infant and young child I wasn't allowing her to learn how to process them herself.
Don't get me wrong~ this isn't a "I'm a bad Mom post and it's all my fault that I have a teenager who has had struggles."  We do the best we can with the knowledge and support we have at the time.

I do wonder though, that if I had had the perspective offered by Magda Gerber and her approach to child-rearing, or if I'd simply listened to my own mother and accepted that "sometimes babies cry and that's ok" maybe my sweet girl would know that her feelings, while intense, will not hurt her.  She can get through them.  She would know that her mama believes in her strength and power to get through the most difficult situations and while she will always be there if needed, she won't get in the way.

We begin launching our young the moment they burst from our bodies ~ acknowledging and respecting their ability to make their way from their earliest days just makes the journey more exciting.

trying too hard

I've been struggling lately with whether I've done what I wanted to do to prepare my children for the world.  Now they haven't actually launched yet, at least all the way, but I've been all wrapped up in whether I've been the kind of mom I wanted to be.  Whether I'm BEING the kind of mom I want to be now.
I love Janet Lansbury's Blog "Elevating Childcare".  So many times I'll read a post, and although they often have to do with infants and young children, they frequently have relevance for my almost grown children.
One post she shared spoke of the idea that "We need to be the person we want our child to be."  Seems so simple.  In many ways our children are the best of my husband and me.  At those moments, I'm so satisfied and proud.  I'm confident that they will go on to have great lives!
There are also times though when I see those parts of me that I'm not so pleased with reflected back at me in the face of an angry teenager.  Impatient, selfish, stubborn...  It's all there.
Because these similarities are pretty clear though, I can deal with all of them.  I may not like it and there is a certain amount of karmic justice that I'm sure gives my parents a chuckle here and there, but I can take it in, address it, modify my own behavior and hope they follow suit.
What is harder to address are some of the more subtle things.  If I'm never satisfied with what I'm contributing to the world, how will they absorb that?  Will they always be dissatisfied?  With they think I'm dissatisfied with them?   I love my work and I know my children see that, but I also long to do more, to make a more significant, measurable difference in the world.  While I want them to strive to always do good in the world, I want them to relish the life they create and find joy and satisfaction in the work they choose.  I want them to feel complete.

I think my first step is to step BACK.  Allow them to find their way with a little less "support" from me.  All the little things I do to make their day move along are things that, if they were responsible for them, would be steps towards feeling competent and satisfied with themselves.
It's their life, not mine.  I have to remind myself that at this point, I need to trust they've learned what I want them to learn and know enough to make their choices.  Their choices may or MAY NOT reflect on me.  If I've done my job, they will feel confident enough to take chances, make choices, mess up and start again.  They'll know that I'll love them no matter what and will always be there to help them up and push them out of the nest again after they've had a rest.
I don't know if they know this.  I hope they will someday.  It's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Do you ever grow up?

This week I've been obsessed with what I'm going to be when I grow up.  I'm 44.  I've been a Therapist, a Youth Services Coordinator, a Mom and an Early Childhood Music Specialist.  I've loved all these roles for different reasons (ok I didn't really love being a Therapist, but it was nice to "help" people).
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice.  If she could go tomorrow she would.  Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year.  I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own.  Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:

~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?

I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family.  Why am I not satisfied?

I want to change the world in a BIG way.  Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow.  I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow.  I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart.  It's taken me a long time to say that out loud.  I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.

Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more?  I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.

guests

I'm thankful for so many things.  The five seats at the table represent my nuclear family - the one Jeff and I created together.  Each chair holds someone so very special to me.  This year, it was just us at the table.  I don't think that has ever happened before.  We've always hosted guests or traveled and been guests.  I was afraid it might feel "unspecial." It was lovely.
We, meaning Jeff and I, spend a lot of time focusing out into the world.  The work we do, both paid and volunteer, the social networks we are connected to.  We sometimes forget that in the meantime, the very important people who live in our house are leaving soon as they are really only guests in a way too.  At some point, they will leave.  I want to make sure that they have felt as loved and cared for as we try to make our more short-term guests feel.
Loving and nurturing at that same time you need to guide and shape can be so tricky.  I want my children to always know that no matter what, they are my greatest loves.  I will not always agree with them, I will not always like them, I will not always pick them up when they fall.  But I will ALWAYS love them and be there to hold their hand as they pick themselves up.

When a mother hen gathers her chicks...

I know that there is not much that is rational about this, but my obsession during this crazy Hurricane Sandy is that I want all my chicks home in my nest!
Last night before the wind even began to blow, I couldn't sleep because Katy wasn't home (safely at the neighbors) and Andrew wasn't home (safely in his dorm at UConn).  I knew they were safe, but they weren't with me and when I worry about issues of safety, I want them near.  If I can't control the world around them, I at least want to control the walls around them.

As they get older I have less and less control over the choices they make and the things they do, and the places they choose to be.  They'll travel to many places I've only dreamed about and I'll be so excited for them and so proud of their adventurous, confident spirits.  I'll also sleep better when they are "home".

I hope they have enough common sense to make good choices when they face the inevitable storms of life.   I think they do.  You never know.

The wind is howling outside, but we are safe in our solid house that has stood through storms for over 170 years.  I'm pretty sure it will withstand the current one.  My girls are both home with Jeff and me and as far as I know Andrew is safely in his Dorm.  I have little to worry about.  We have food and shelter and lots of love.

I'll still sleep better when the winds quiet down and they are all home under my roof where I can wrap my arms around them and keep them safe for a moment.

Being a Creative Entrepreneur...

Having been self-employed for almost 12 years now, I find myself wondering once in a while what it would be like to have a boss who gave me tasks to complete with deadlines and clear instructions of what my "job" is.  There are times when the the idea of having someone tell me what to do and how to do it sounds so appealing!!!
I think that I'm over my current longing for this kind of structure though.  There's a reason I've been self-employed for so long and maybe if I stop fighting it and embrace it I'll figure out what "it" is.  There are huge advantages to being my own boss and from a purely practical standpoint, I've done pretty well while being available to raise my children.
I recently came across a book called "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam.  I'm intrigued by it.  It's a DIY guide to visual journaling as an alternative to the more traditional ways that small businesses are guided.  I've never actually had a "business plan" because any template or guide I've ever found to creating one has been so linear and I'm not a linear thinker.  I'm interested to see how the process she guides the reader through might help me focus my quest for clarity about my purpose in life.
Lately I've been running into, finding time for, crossing paths with,  or otherwise having conversations with a number of women of varying backgrounds and ages, who all seem to be so wise.  I've been thinking about how we as women could be (should be) guides for each other through life.  Women have so much power and so much wisdom, but we don't own it or share it the way we should.   I see posts about parenting choices or overhear conversations about the same and it often seems to be adversarial in nature.  An "If you don't do it my way..." kind of thing.  I get this and I don't.  I understand how it can be difficult to talk about topics as personal as birthing, breastfeeding or not, sleep sharing or not, with someone who disagrees with you.  What I don't get is why can't we "talk" about it?  Why can't it be a conversation instead of an argument?  We just might learn things from each other even if it is only a deeper commitment to the choices we have made because we've had to explain them.
As a woman and a mother of girls, I want to share the wisdom I've gained over the years with my daughters and anyone who wants to hear it.  Keeping the things I've learned including the mistakes I've made to myself seems selfish, but it seems equally narcissistic to think that anyone really cares about my experiences...
"Wise Woman for hire"... I wonder if there is any market for that?

a paradox

I started a class with a group of teen mom's in Hartford on Monday night.  The volunteer mentor's are women who were teen mom's themselves and are GREAT!  The mom's are, well... teenagers.  The kids were hilarious and were no different than those in my traditional family classes.  As soon as the music started, their faces lit up, their little bodies started to move and you could watch the wheels turning in their heads as they started to process a language they were born with the ability to understand.

The mom's were quietly interested.  A little mystified and self-conscious.  I hope intrigued.  Mostly, they were young.  As I have been searching for ways to find more professional satisfaction, I've been exploring how to merge my previous life as a therapist/youth services person with the Early Childhood Music Specialist I am now.  As part of a project I need to complete, the opportunity to run this class fell in my lap and I jumped at it!  How perfect!  Bringing Music Together to Teen Mom's~ what a great way to "teach" them and provided them with some ways to play with their kids.  The very nature of the work I do is that lots of parent education is woven through the fun and hopefully translates out of the class and into the family's life at home.  No matter how old we are or how long we've been parents, we all need to keep adding to our "bag of tricks!"

This all sounds so great!  But here's the paradox.  How do you take a group of teen mom's who have had babies and are raising them, and love them up, play and give them ways to really embrace being a mom, without encouraging them to do it again? 
Indulge me while I muddle through this.  These young women have all been through pregnancy and childbirth - some of them twice - at an age when I could barely get myself ready for school on my own.  Despite their less than ideal entry into motherhood, they deserve tremendous respect.  The newest mom was there with her 2 week old baby who was breastfeeding.  A 16 year old mom, breastfeeding a baby, AND getting out the door at 2 weeks postpartum.  At 29 I don't think I even left the bedroom for two weeks after my second was born!  She wasn't alone of course.  Her aunt was with her and I'm sure was instrumental in bringing her.  The other "mom's" have also managed to muddle through those early years and had toddlers in tow.  I am in awe that they are managing.
But, I don't know their back stories yet.  How much are their mother's (or aunts or grandmothers) doing for them to help out?  Are they responsible for a home?  Are they working?  Are they going to school?  These are questions that will be answered as we get to know each other.  But at the end of the day, they went through pregnancy and childbirth.  My sister's and I used to joke that once you had a baby, you were elevated to "goddess" and should be treated as such.  It's hard work!
So, they've made it through all that and in order to ensure positive outcomes for their little ones, it is only logical that they need to be loved and supported and guided in really bonding with and loving up their babies.  Motherhood is so amazing and the more they embrace their role as a mom, the better off their children will be.
Here's the paradox.  These are young women who need to NOT have motherhood glamorized or put on a pedestal.  They should be going to school and playing sports, making music and going on dates.  How do we validate their role as mother without encouraging or suggesting they do it again?   How do we help them see alternative paths that may include motherhood, but also include education and satisfying work?  Can they successfully master the developmental tasks they still need to master while providing the environment their little ones need to master theirs?
After each of my children were born, I promptly "forgot" the difficulties of pregnancy and childbirth.  I couldn't wait to do it again ~ only extended breastfeeding and a husband with some common sense kept me from having my babies super close together.  Through each stage of raising them, I conveniently "forget" the last phase that put me over the edge.  I call my mother once in a while and say "How on earth did you survive me at 13????"  She says "Oh you weren't that bad..."  I remember.  I was HORRIBLE!
Ranging in age from 16-21, these girls have taken on a role that our society is not really designed to support until you are "older", but "grounding" them or scolding them for this "mistake" is not the same as the other mistakes of adolescence.  So many of the mistakes teen's make can be either chalked up to a "learning experience" or addressed by removing privileges.  It's amazing how quickly they learn when you can take away a car, a phone or internet access.  This is totally different. 
For most women, having a baby is celebrated!  It's a miracle and it's something that only we can do.  How do we celebrate the gift of a child to these young mom's while giving them the vision to see other possibilities for themselves?
In our culture, parenthood is generally seen as something that comes after you have "left the nest".  It doesn't always work that way though and in many places it never has.  Extended families live together and children are raised by a network of adults.  Young women maturing earlier and earlier are physically capable of child-bearing whether they are ready for child-rearing or not.  While my bias is that being a mother at 16 or 18 is too young, if this is a role that brings a young woman fulfillment and joy who am I to judge that.  Is it ideal?  no.  Am I encouraging teen pregnancy?  no.  I do think that once someone has carried a child, given birth and made the decision to raise this little one, they deserve respect and all the support they need to give that child the best start in life.  They are entitled to the same joy and fulfillment that motherhood brings to those of us who waited longer. 
But maybe if these girls saw other options for themselves, had the education and the role models surrounding them showing them how they could be more, they would wait.  Maybe if the choices our children in the suburbs take for granted, like college, work and even travel, were actually choices for them they would hold off on motherhood.  Maybe they are perfectly content with their life - they have these beautiful children who love them, who they brought into the world...
a paradox.