The wheels are turning and the nights are sleepless

Since I last wrote, the wheels in my brain have been spinning! I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep when my brain gets busy and lately it's been busy a lot. I've been working through my empty house, creating new teaching space in a new location, mulling different ways to communicate the importance of Early Childhood Music and Movement to potential new families, trying to wrap my brain around the rapidly changing world of Social Media and how it pertains to marketing, creative budgeting so next month's tuition payment doesn't bounce, and on and on. That doesn't even touch on the middle of the night musings about 45, N.Korea, football, the National Anthem, patriotism etc.

I know that in order to sleep well, I need to have enough physical activity during the day, I need to not drink coffee after 2 pm, I need to step away from my phone and other screens about an hour before I go to bed AND I need to re-focus my brain by reading something completely unrelated to my work or current obsessions.

When I do all those things I generally sleep pretty well. When I don't, all bets are off. While I don't love the sleepless nights, I have to admit that sometimes that is when I am the most focused and productive if I just give in, get up and go to work. The quiet of the house and the silence of my phone make it easy to not get distracted. I don't want to wake up my husband or the dogs, so I don't get up and do things like unload the dishwasher, or choreograph large movement pieces for classes.

A week or so ago during one of those sleepless nights, I realized that I wasn't moving forward on the Coaching business in a way that felt authentic to me. I was trying to focus in on finding individual clients. I was focused on creating something completely different from the work I already do. In the quiet of the night, I knew that while Coaching is different than the work I do as a Music Together Director and Teacher, it doesn't have to be completely separate. In fact, I already use Coaching skills with parents in my classes and with my teachers.

As I started to explore those ideas I realized that one of the things I do well is facilitate groups. I love retreats. Why not create a retreat for women looking to explore what's next in their life? Spending a day (or a weekend) really digging in through the use of music, movement and other creative outlets. Discovering what holds us back and what we need to move forward. Discovering what brings us JOY and how to begin taking the steps to re-focus and move forward with living the life we want.

THIS feels authentic. THIS feels like me. Over the next few weeks I'll be working on planning the details and hopefully sharing them with you by November.
Please don't hesitate to be a part of this creative process. If you have ideas of things that you would find inspiring, comforting, engaging, or challenging let me know.  In the meantime, I will continue to post in The Nest and to blog here, moving myself and hopefully you, a few steps closer to joy.

true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

Today's the day...

The world has been crazy lately. I've taken a dive back into political activism. I'm horrified by some of the racist, white-supremicist, awful things that are taking up oxygen currently.
I'm also amazed at the kindness and beauty that continues to surround us all. The ugliness is getting a lot of air time, but the beauty and goodness will prevail.

I choose to believe this. Call me naive if you like, but I believe that there is more good in the world than bad. I won't believe otherwise. If I did, I'm not sure I could leave this morning to bring my youngest child (and her older sister) to college half-way across the country.

I know that there are good people EVERYWHERE and that if and when my newest chick to leave the nest needs help, guidance, support, ANYTHING, some good person will step up and help. It's what we do. It's what I have taught my children and it's what I have witnessed over my increasingly long life.

I'm not suggesting that there is not ugliness and hate in the world ~ our current political leaders lack of moral leadership seem to have brought much of the hate that has been simmering underground, to the surface. As much as it winds me up and stresses me out, maybe it's a good thing. It's easier to fight something you can see.

Like generations before us, we will look at those who would preach hate and violence, and we will continue to preach love and non-violence. Hopefully we will learn from our past before too much damage is done.

Here's what I want to tell my daughter as she heads out into this complicated world of ours.

LIVE your life. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or to get hurt. This is when we learn the most. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Believe in something bigger than yourself and trust that you are loved and cared for. Look for the Helpers. Mr. Rogers words continue to ring true. If you are afraid, or confused or just need a hand, look for the helpers. They're EVERYWHERE! Be a helper yourself.

Stand up for yourself and others. Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water and take your vitamins.

Don't forget to sleep.

Remember your hat when it's cold.

Never ever forget how very much I love you and how very proud I am of the powerful woman you are becoming.

Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

Happy May Day!

May is here!
May is always a big month for me. There is something about the new babies, flowering trees, warmer temperatures and new energy that gets me going.

May is my birth month. It's the month of Mother's Day and the birth month of child number 2. It feels celebratory and inspiring. It feels validating.

This May will include a series of "lasts." Our last Prom. Our last HS musical production. Our last HS concert. While we are ready to graduate from HS for the last time, I would be totally lying if I said that each of these "lasts" weren't tinged with a little sadness. I want to relish each of them. I want to fully experience them with my child so I can really and truly say goodbye to this chapter of my life.

This month I also dig deeper into creating a new professional path for myself. My Music Together work just gets richer and more satisfying and will continue on. In addition to this work I'm beginning to explore the world of Life Coaching. I'm in the early phase where I'm creating an identity and a focus. Who is my ideal client? What can I teach them? How can I support them? What do I have to offer? Lots of questions to answer! Having a coach to take me through this process is certainly the only way I would actually make it happen, but at times it feels indulgent. I need to own the investment and take full advantage of the opportunities to learn and grow if I am to be successful. I don't have to do it by myself.

While my momentum is building, I'm still finding myself "hiding" in my nest ~ putting off my list of "to-do's" in favor of snuggling with the dogs. Watching netflix with child number 3. I don't quite trust my wings yet. To feel safe I need to build my network of support. Those who will catch me if I fall. Isn't this what parenting is all about?? I feel almost as if I'm 18 again and ready to leap... but not quite.

As parents, we create a "nest" for our young ones. A safe space to learn and grow. Some children can't wait to jump out and others need a little more time to feel safe. Either way, we want them to know that they can always come back if they need to ~ to re-group, re-charge, re-focus.
Sometimes they jump before they are ready ~ we want to catch them when they fall, but some fall too fast.
Sometimes they get stuck and refuse to jump ~ a nudge becomes necessary to get them moving! If they don't trust themselves, we need to help them along by making it clear that WE trust them. We know they have what it takes to create a life for themselves. If we have done our job as parents, they will trust US, take a breath, spread their wings, and fly.
One way or another, our children will grow and go. When that happens it's back to us. Deep sigh.

In less than 6 weeks, Helen will graduate from HS. Both girls will spend the summer working at Camp Calumet in NH as they have before, and then will head to college; one for the first year, and one for the last year. My truly empty nest begins soon.

Here's the thing though. There will always be room in my "nest" for anyone who needs a place to re-group, re-charge, re-focus. Sometimes it will be my children. Sometimes it will be friends. Hopefully it will be future clients. A "nest" isn't just a physical home for me. It is a metaphorical "safe space." A judgement free zone where you don't need to apologize for resting your "wings."

Through the season of new life, new energy and new beginnings, I will be taking time to sink in to my "nest." I will continue to develop my skills and "muscles." I will continue to soak up the "lasts" with Helen and will be available to her as much as I can be to enjoy it all.

In June, she and I will both fly out into the world. 

The saga continues...

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I had anything to say!?! I've actually had lots to say, but decided much of it was either private or inappropriate or just not nice :-)
Mostly the last year has been absorbed with life and that's it.

Today my youngest starts her first day of her Senior year. Our last of 10 consecutive years with someone in High School. A few people have asked my if I'm sad or "how can you stand it?" I have to say I AM SO READY TO BE DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! I feel like I have to confess that I am looking forward to all the "lasts" with excitement rather than sadness...

I love my children. I love being a mom. I've been at it all of my adult life having started my family on the early end of things. I love babies. I love toddlers. I love pre-school. With many ups and downs I have loved watching my children grow and I have cried and yelled and hugged and kissed and snuggled and done all the things a parent does.

I am finding my fledgling adult children to be endlessly interesting, funny, smart caring people. The kind of people I like to spend time with. I'm ready to get to know them even better as they dig into the world and find their place in it.

I'm also ready to dive into my next chapter. My marriage after 25 years continues to fill me up and bring me joy. My work is endlessly fascinating and evolving as I take on different roles and learn new things to share. We dream about traveling and just hanging out at home. While I'm certain I will miss my children (and do when they are gone), I love hearing about their adventures and enjoy filling them in on mine.

This is the whole point. We don't have children to keep them children. We have children to enrich the world with new energy and ideas and passion as they grow. We raise adults.

While the "lasts" of this year will certainly bring some feelings of nostalgia and maybe a few tears, I plan to enjoy them all. Some of the "lasts" I will say goodbye to with a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of attitude. Some of them will be more of a "wow! I will miss this!" They will be special for my child because they are "hers." I plan to document them for her. I plan to celebrate them with her. I will not mourn them though. Mourning is for those things that make you sad. My children's lives make me anything but.

2016 - the year of being "present"

Just like that another year has passed. I want to have something awesome to say. I don't. Several times over the last few weeks I thought about writing, but between college kid coming home, concerts, a Nutcracker performance, grown-up kid coming home, Christmas festivities, driving to Western NY, wedding festivities, driving to IA, celebrating New Years Eve, grown-up kid leaving for Puerto Rico, driving back from IA, and getting husband and youngest back to school, my brain has been full of lists and to-do's instead of thoughts and ideas.
Honestly it's better that way at this time of year. Even though everyday is slightly longer, it's still dark. I'm beginning to emerge from my annual winter "dip" but like the sun, it takes time for my energy and enthusiasm for life to really get back to speed. Too much time to "think" sends me into a pit, while a list of things to check off keeps me going.
Every January I want to start fresh. I make lists and goals and create strategies and plans. Some years I do better than others at reaching those goals. We all do. Some years I look at last year's goals and realize they were left behind in January. That's what happened this year.
Last January, I started out with a focus and commitment to really dig in and grow my business. I created 1 year and 5 years goals and wrote out actions steps. Goals not met, action steps? Some completed. Many not. Last January I started with a plan to reduce our debt. This January? Debt level is the same (or higher if I'm really honest). Last January I committed to working out and losing those last annoying 20 lbs. Worked out more than in 2014, lost 10 lbs., but bailed the last 4 months of the year.

This January I'm doing it differently. Lately I've been trying to find ways to help my youngest spend less time mourning the loss of her past, less time worrying about her future and more time living in her present. I've ignored the fact that that's exactly what I do. It's not what I SAY, but it's what I DO. I talk about how things used to be as much as the next person. "When we were kids..." "When I was in school..." "When I was younger..." I endlessly worry about the future. What's going to happen to my business? What are my children going to end up doing? What am I going to be when I grow up? How will we ever pay off our debt? What if? What if? What if?

When we spend all our time worrying about what was true or what will be true, we miss what IS true.

Here is my list of "what is true"

~ I am in a loving supportive marriage with my best friend.
~ I have raised three healthy, quirky, interesting, compassionate children.
~ I have work that is important, powerful and ridiculously fun to do.
~ I have an extended family spread around the country full of people who love me.
~ I have a warm place to live.
~ I have delicious food to eat.
~ I have clothes to wear.
~ I have a strong body that allows me to dance, play, work and serve.
~ I have a crazy dog who is always up for a snuggle.
~ I have friends who love me and who are there whether I need a hug or a kick in the pants.
~ I have more resources available to me than the average person.
~ I have an amazing life full of blessings.

This January I will look back briefly. There is a place for looking at where we've come and what we've done. This January though, instead of saying to myself "I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I didn't get that done..." I'm going to say "here's what I want to continue working on and here's what I'm going to let go."
This January I will look forward and set some goals for myself. I will create some action plans and to-do lists. I may find a place to put them so I don't lose them so quickly, but as life moves on I will tweak and edit these guides as life dictates.
New this January will be a commitment to look at "what is true TODAY." I don't want to get to the end of my life and realize that I was so busy looking behind me and ahead of me that I missed what was right in front of me.

Life is about change. Change can be good, change can be bad.  The one thing that is consistent in life is change. So much of life is out of our control. The one thing in life that is completely in our control is how we react to it. We choose how we live our life. We choose how we react to changes, good and bad. We choose how we react to challenges. We can choose to be overwhelmed and defeated or we can choose to shake it off, stand up and move along. We can choose to get stuck in the past, overwhelmed by the future or absorbed in the present. We get to choose to be reactive or proactive, sad or happy, negative or positive. We choose how we live today.

2016 - the year of being "present".

Fresh Starts

Starting fresh ~  I am the queen of the "fresh start."  I love to start things over, like budgets, lists, plans ~ anything that I can't seem to finish, I just decide to start over.  I'm pretty sure that this can be a useful strategy for a lot of things, but sometimes it seems like it's just an escape from something that isn't working. When do you just move on?
Starting over a list because it's gotten out of control and you have so many checks and marks and scribbles that you can't even see what's still on the list seems like a good use of the "fresh start" strategy.
Starting over a recipe when you've been trying to multi-task and have doubled some ingredients but not everything and you've completely forgotten few ingredients, also seems like a good time to "start fresh."
Starting over a budget because priorities have changed, line items have morphed and your current software makes it difficult to modify too much seems reasonable.  Starting over a budget because you don't like the numbers seems futile.

I'm thinking about giving my blog a fresh start ~ my current platform is really set up for a personal blog.  If it is to become part of my "work", it may make sense to start it over and rebuild using resources more designed for it's new purpose. The question is, am I considering a "fresh start" because it makes sense given my revised direction, or because trying to figure out ad's etc. on my current platform is hard? How hard does in need to be before it makes more sense to "start fresh?" Starting over on a new platform would probably mean asking for help, investing some resources in having someone who knows what they're doing help me out, or taking time away from other work to dig in a figure it out myself.

One of the tricky things about working for oneself, or doing work that is not compensated monetarily (being a mom, a volunteer, etc) is coming up with a way to value your time.  When is it better to pay someone else to do something that I could do, but that they could do in significantly less time?

In business I've gotten better at figuring this out.  I have a ballpark figure of what I "pay" myself.  There are some tasks (like bookkeeping) that it is more economical to pay someone else to do because it would take me twice the time and end up costing more. With a blog that is not yet earning money, how do I decide when it's time to pay someone else to help get it up and running in a new way, assuming that those expenses will be recouped when I have a wildly successful blog, vs. just taking my time to figure it out at my leisure because I really have no idea whether it will turn into anything more than it is?

How do you value your time?  As a mom and volunteer I struggle with placing a dollar value on myself.  Where this can be so frustrating is that we live in a culture that puts a monetary value on everything - if something costs a lot it must be more valuable.  When I look too closely at what this says about what we "value" as a country, I am so discouraged.

We spend unbelievable amounts of money on technology and other things, on concerts, on sporting events, meals out and entertainment of all sorts.  We pay for what we value, so what does that say about how we value children and education?  Childcare workers are some of the most poorly paid people in our country.  Teachers in many parts of the country have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet.  We "pay" for college degrees, but we don't "pay" the very people who are teaching our students what they need to learn - in many academic settings the actual professors are paid for research while graduate assistants who are still students themselves are being paid poorly to "teach" college students.  What are we actually paying for here?  Facilities, a "name", layers of bureaucracy. This is something I'd like to dive into more later, but it's a whole other blog!

When do we decide to make a "fresh start?" Is that even possible?  When do we decide that rather than fixing a political system, or an educational system or any kind of "system," that it's time for a "fresh start?" A "clean slate?"  While all this gets mulled about, I'm going to go create a fresh list for the week - Monday is a great day for a "fresh start."

Taking a leap...

There just might be some changes to my blog in the future.  It's been a personal blog for me and the few select friends who read what I have to say.  I've gotten enough positive feedback over the last few years that I've decided to be more intentional about it and to be honest, use it to increase my income.

I've been leary of advertising on my blog as it feels sketchy to me.  Not sure why, but it does.  That being said, if it is a simple way to bring in some additional income, why not?

With one child out of college (with loans), one in college (with loans), one in High School looking at college (most likely with loans), finances have been on my mind.  I know I'm in good company when I say that while my husband and I have a very comfortable income (mostly his), a comfortable life, and a strong support network, we still live paycheck to paycheck.  Over almost 25 years of marriage, this has been our primary source of discord.  The only thing we ever seem to fight about is $.

We've tried a number of budget programs and are currently using one called YNAB (http://www.youneedabudget.com).  It is super easy, links my phone to hubby's phone to the desktop to my iPad etc... No excuses not to keep it updated and pay attention.  4 basic rules to follow and we are hopeful that if we can stick to it, we will slowly find our way out of debt and begin to save better for our future.

Managing the funds we have is one way to find our way to a less stressful financial life.  Increasing my income (even for the short term) is another.  As a small business owner, there is nothing consistent about my income.  As I work to grow my business and expand the reach of Music Together  (https://www.musictogether.com) through Arts from the Heart, llc (http://www.artsfromtheheart.net), I need to be investing in teachers and materials and locations and marketing etc... Maintaining my small draw, let alone increasing it, is a challenge!

I've contemplated lots of ways to supplement my draw - teaching Community College classes  (they all have my resume and application), working part time for another agency (great interview, didn't get the job, would have been tricky to manage logistically), adding programming to my center (working on it, but takes time and energy and I'm a little short on both!).

This brings me back to the blog. I love to write. I love to contemplate. I love to engage with people on topics I'm passionate about. I have blogged sporadically mostly because it's been for my own self, but perhaps if I had more of an external "purpose" for it I would engage in blogging more.  If blogging more and hosting some advertising on my blog could supplement my draw, how could that be a bad thing?

Here is where I need your thoughts - what would you like to see my blog about?  What would you like to know, think about, discuss, hear my thoughts on?  While this started as a blog about launching my children, it has really become more a blog about me launching my thoughts, ideas and passions out into the world.  Share your ideas with me and maybe they will show up in the future!

I'm committing to blogging a minimum of 1x per week to begin and then we will see where that goes. If you want to keep up with me, subscribe.  Let me know what you think. If you really want to support my effort, click on an ad (but only if you really want to!)

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

An empty nest... for now

This morning marks our first real glimpse at what an empty nest will be like someday.  Yesterday we dropped off Helen for 6 weeks as a CIT at Camp Calumet. We will see her for a few days in the middle at a family reunion, but for all practical purposes our nest is empty.  There are 3 bedrooms upstairs with no one sleeping in them.  Laundry will decrease, clutter will decrease, trips to Target will decrease. Quiet will increase, time will increase, projects will increase. Excuses to not get things done will decrease. Arms and legs twirling through the house will decrease.

MIXED EMOTIONS!

A week or so ago, Helen and I spent an afternoon bickering with each other and then went to see "Inside Out", the latest Pixar film.  Perfect movie for a 16 year old and her Mama to see when they've been fighting.  This latest milestone in her life (and ours) is full of mixed emotions ~
Joy! 
Spending a summer at Camp Calumet is something I wish everyone could do!  It is truly one of the most amazing places on the planet - For the past 15 years my family has been a part of this beautiful, loving community and I will forever be grateful that my children have had the benefit of being exposed to a place where love and acceptance is truly practiced 24/7.  It is not a perfect place, but in my experience it is as close as one can come to it.
Sadness... 
My youngest child's journey into the world is ramping up.  For both Andy and Katy, it seemed that beginning with their "trainee" summer, everything just moved faster and faster.  While I didn't want to hold them back I did sometimes want to "freeze" things for just a moment.  Like her brother and sister, Helen is more than capable of holding her own. Like them, she often seems to function better (or in a more adult like manner) when she is away from us. This is how it should be. I know this. I studied it in grad school. I'm still feeling a little sad that another chapter is beginning to wrap up.
Fear.
This has not been an easy year for my youngest.  She has struggled with anxiety that has manifested itself in all kinds of physical discomforts - headaches, nausea, the works. Changes in diet, vitamins, sleep habits etc. have all helped, and she is doing better overall, but knowing that I am 4 hours away makes me a little fearful.  I fear that she will give up on herself.  I fear that she won't trust those around her to help her. I fear that she'll be just fine and not need me (that's a hard one to admit!).

MIXED EMOTIONS!

I'm excited to have time to really dig into some of my own work without interruptions! I am excited to have time to enjoy my partner in crime and very best friend/husband/love of my life.  I'm aware that 6 weeks is really pretty short in the grand scheme of things, and it's not really 6 weeks. 3 of those weeks I'll be working hard, the next week I'll be singing with my Dad and my sisters at our own camp followed by a family reunion. 1 more week to get my act together then I will join my girls at Calumet on staff for 2 weeks.
It is still more time than we've ever had where we are only responsible for ourselves. I don't want to waste it!  Time to make a list and enjoy the "rehearsal" as the final production is only a few years away...

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

It will never be the same... and that's good.

I was so excited for Katy to get home last weekend after her first year at Luther College in Decorah, IA!  She has had such a great year and is turning into the confident, amazing young woman we always knew she would.
I forgot that when they come home they become their younger selves😏  I still do this when I return to my parents home in MN- while I'm 47, I find myself lounging on the couch and feeling a little like the teenager I was when I left home for college almost 30 years ago!  Andy did it when he came home after his first year.  Why did it surprise me this time?  I should have been more than ready!
We've shared texts, phone calls, messages of all sorts, and have increasingly become friends ~ this doesn't mean that I'm not still mom and she's still not my child though.

That first year out they stretch their legs and experience life without having to report in or follow someone else's rules and requests.  It's AWESOME!  They handle their own mistakes and figure out how to negotiate the world (at least a small piece of it!). Then, they come home.
There are house rules, there are shared chores, there are expectations and demands.  Ugh.  I wouldn't want to come home either!  It's not quite that bad, but there is negotiating that needs to happen and give and take on both sides.  Young people returning home need to realize that when you live with any group of people there are rules and norms and the ones at your family's home are different than those in a dorm.  Parents need to realize that their child is not a child any longer and to impose the rules and expectations of High School won't work.  Renegotiating how to live together is important and will help all members of the family enjoy the short time together.
Now if we figure all that out, I'll let you know!

We just celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday.  The weekend was super busy, so the best we could manage was a delicious dinner and cake with the family ~ Andy came home and our neighbors/family came to join us.  It was a day of up and down for my girl - she's excited and happy to be home, but misses her friends and "new" home terribly.  Along with that comes that angst that we will be hurt if she tells us that while she loves us more than anything, she'd really rather be with her friends.  Again, that's as it should be.
This whole process of growing up is about moving out and creating a life for yourself.  While I don't mean to imply that I don't want to see my children and have a connection to them while they create this life for themselves, I want them to know that I'll be fine.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the "Little House On the Prairie" books.  One of my earliest memories as a reader was reading "Little House In the Big Woods" and trying to wrap my brain around the idea that when they left the big woods they would most likely never see their grandparents again.  When you moved away, you MOVED AWAY.
In today's world of transportation and communications, it is easy to stay connected and in someways too easy.  I look around and see a lot of pressure to BE TOGETHER.  Again, I hope that I will always be a part of my children's lives, but I want them to follow their path wherever it takes them.  They need to live THEIR life, not mine.  Was it strange last Christmas when Katy was away from us? YES! Was it fine? YES.  She was having an experience and that's awesome!  As Andy considers his options for the future now that college is finished, some of those options might take him far away from us.  Is that a little sad for us? YES! Is it fine though? YES!

I want our children to remain connected to us because they love us and want to have a relationship with us, NOT because they feel obligated or required to.  While I am sometimes nostalgic for the past and thoroughly enjoy loving up other people's babies, I'm excited for the future! My children will have interesting, wonderful lives and Jeff and I will move onto the next phase of ours ~ that's the piece that really makes it exciting!  After a lifetime together, we are really just getting started!  We like each other more than ever and dream of the adventures WE will have and the life that WE will live as our children pursue their life journey.

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

moving right along...

The "firsts" and the "lasts" are so bittersweet!  When my oldest went to kindergarten I was a little sad, but mostly excited for the new adventures to come!  When my youngest went to kindergarten, I was excited for the adventures, but sad that my days with "babies" were coming to an end.

When my oldest started High School, I realized that for the next decade we would have one or two kids in high school.  It seemed like a really long time, but all of a sudden, my youngest is halfway through her Sophomore year.

When my oldest turned 16 I couldn't believe it!  I was so excited and ready for the 3rd driver and the end of the sullen early teens :-)  Today my youngest turns 16 and once again, I'm excited for the young woman she is becoming, but my heart is sad to say goodbye to my sweet little girl.

Thoughts for Helen -

     * Enjoy the ride!
     * Don't sweat the small stuff (and most of it is small stuff)
     * Listen to those around you and then make your own decisions
     * Don't worry about your parents - we'll be just fine
     * Be sure to care for others, but don't forget to care for yourself as well
     * Listen to you "gut"
     * Pray, play and laugh
     * Don't forget what it's like to be a child while you are busy becoming a grown up.

Thoughts for those of you with little ones -

     * Pay attention!  Time really does fly by ~
     * Don't hover - our children really do need to make their own mistakes
     * Just because you love them doesn't mean you'll like them all the time - forgive yourself
     * Give them the gift of allowing them to become their own true self.
     * Make sure they learn how to take care of themselves.  Even the littlest children can help!
     * Don't rescue them too quickly, but be ready to catch them if they fall.
     * You can NEVER love them too much, but you can smother them.  DON'T

This summer Helen is planning to be a CIT in New Hampshire at Camp Calumet.  When my oldest spent his first summer in New Hampshire, it was the beginning of the emptying of the nest.  This summer will be quiet for sure and I will miss her terribly, but as long as all of my children know they always have a "nest" to come back to I'm ok with that.  It's time.

dreaming...

For 20+ years I've imagined a place where children and families come together to learn, grow, play, have fun, make music etc... Over that time it's taken different forms, starting as a space with more of a therapeutic tone and evolving to be more of a community of like minded folks making music, playing and learning from each other.

The dream percolates for a few months and then fades away.  Every 4-5 years it has re-surfaced in a slightly revised form, but each time, it has faded back into the woodwork.

When I began my work with Music Together, the element of music and play began to take more of the focus.  I opened a storefront in Tolland and dove in!  For three years I continued teaching Music Together and explored various other ways of using my little space - drum circles, family events, workshops, theatre classes etc.. All were fun, none were consistent.  After 3 years I decided I couldn't commit to the overhead any longer as I had "failed" to see my dream come true.

Looking back, I know I didn't "fail" so much as I made life choices that made it clear the time was not right.  I wanted to be around for my children, I loved teaching more than "managing" and I didn't really care about anything besides Music Together so why not just do that?  I decided that while the dream was lovely, I didn't want it enough (or have the skills needed) to make it happen, so I pushed it away and moved on.

Several years passed and I happily taught in a number of spaces, but that gets old ~ getting in the car and having to remember where I was going on any given day taxed my attention challenged brain.  Then, along came a charming toy store with a lovely event room! At Kiddy Korner I was able to teach as many classes as I could fill.  I had storage, I had people to chat with between classes.  I had the best of both worlds!  A central location where I could offer as much as I wanted, without the risk of overhead etc... I paid my "rent" when I used the space and didn't even have to clean the bathroom!

2 years passed though and the toy store closed ~ tough business in any town, but especially in a little town.  I couldn't go back to being an itinerate music teacher and the dream bubbled up again.  Maybe this time, with more experience and business savvy, I could bring my place to life!  Well-negotiated rent, cute space, awesome signage~  back into business.

Here we are now, 2 and a half years in and I could be thinking that while classes are going well, I'm still on my own and that's not what I want.  Maybe when my lease is up, I should close up and go back to traveling or maybe get a grown up job.  This should be the time that the dream melts back into the background again.

Instead of melting though it's bubbling furiously!  Imagine a space in the center of town that would be part music/arts studio with Music Together, private lessons, arts classes of all sorts, movement and yoga classes and part coffee shop/juice bar/gathering place?  Imagine a comfy space that could be used by moms and dads in the mornings with little ones, to gather to talk and play and learn.  The same space could be used for gathering after school for homework, tutoring, lessons, or just hanging out by students.  The SAME space could evolve in the evenings to hold mtgs, host open stage evenings or private events.  I'm dreaming day and night of this magical community but what holds me back is fear.  Fear that I'll fail.  Fear that I can't do it.  Fear that while I think it's a brilliant idea, I'll dive in, open the doors and NO ONE WILL COME.

I don't often ask for feedback on this blog, but here's what I want to know.  Can you see it too?  Do you want to be a part of it?  Would you come?  Would you bring your friends?  Maybe if it becomes not just MY dream, but the dream of a group of people, it won't be so scary.  Maybe this time the dream will bubble up into something truly delicious and amazing.

Who are you and what did you do with my wife?

My husband said that to me this past weekend.  He is both mystified and entertained by my increasing levels of energy, focus and jobs completed.  Let's face it.  I have been a life long procrastinator.  I have spent most of my adult life starting one thing and getting distracted and moving on to the next.  Most things eventually get done, but only the ones I'm really interested in.
Our 15 year old can stretch a 30 minute task into a 3 day project.  She learned from a master.

JUST DO IT

This has been my New Year's resolution.  Taking charge of my health and wellness is rippling over into the rest of my life and it's kind of amazing.  The more I pay attention to what I'm eating, making sure I'm getting real exercise in, and hanging out with my HappyLight each morning for a bit, the more ready I am for the challenges of the day.

I think I've also decided that multi-tasking is a load of crap.  Each morning I've been sitting down and taking 5 minutes to make a list - not my old "to-do list", but a specific hourly list.  When I really need help staying focused I set the alarm on my phone to ding me each hour so I can see where I'm at and stay on track.  This is particularly helpful when I am working at home.  Each hour I take a minute to check in on my day.  At the end of the day I take 5 more minutes to see what needs to be taken care of the next day.  That's it.  I just ordered the book that this strategy came from and am looking forward to the next step.

18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done    Peter Bregman

Here's the thing.  I am an Idea Person.  I am an Originator.  I am a Dreamer.  I am a Creator.  These are all amazing things to be.  However, as one who works mostly independently, it means I have a lot of great ideas and projects etc. that NEVER GET DONE.  

This is the year they get done or dismissed.  I'm working to create structures that help bring me back to earth a little bit as a doer, or a pragmatist, by making my lists and actually getting things done.  I'm also ready to bring other's into my business world and really begin to create and grow my little Music and Arts Community into something that I can be super proud of.

I feel like the 20-something energizer bunny has re-surfaced and is meeting the 40-something wise woman and the potential to rock the world is kind of exciting.  I think my husband is in shock.

self care

Since Katy left, life has been typically crazy busy with houseguests, work, shows, classes, and on and on, but my perspective seems to have changed dramatically.  For the first time in a long time, I made a point of slowing down and looking at myself and the choices I was making.  I remembered that (much like I tell my 15 year old) I am in control of my own drama.  I can choose to stress over things I have no control over.  I can also choose not to.  Stressing over finances just makes me stressed and tired.  Taking a breath, adjusting what I can and managing what I have generally means that I finish faster and feel better.  There is still the same amount of money available, but my heart is calm and I can breathe.

I can choose to be in turmoil over the fact that my weight is bothering me, or I can find jeans that fit and slowly and steadily take baby steps to add more exercise and be more mindful of my eating.  Hating my butt just makes me crabby.  Recognizing that it is what it is, and that in the grand scheme of things no one cares, allows me to be calm and happy.

In October I spent sometime with an online group called Design Your Day, facilitated by the lovely Jeanine.  The simple step of spending an hour in conversation once a week with a diverse group of women, followed by an amazing one hour Skype session with Jeanine leading me in a program called JourneyDance, was more useful to my personal wellbeing than any amount of therapy, journaling, processing, that I've ever done.  I began making decisions that showed care for myself in simple ways.  Finding jeans that fit, buying a HappyLight to help address my SAD, putting on my favorite music and dancing while I got stuff done.  I've been back in the group for December and now January and am finding it to be an incredible source of support and laughter!

This time of year I generally struggle to keep up my energy and mood.  This year I've chosen to do things that show care for myself and in doing so I feel better have more energy, am more confident and happy.  This is rippling into caring for others better.  Instead of beating myself up for not doing this or that, I'm either doing it, finding someone else to do it, or letting it go.
I know none of this is rocket science.  But when you are stuck in your own figurative "mud" it's hard to pull yourself out.  Sometimes acknowledging it is enough.  Sometimes reaching out to someone who can give you a hug is what you need.  Sometimes you just need to say "it's my turn."  When we constantly put our needs and wants second to our children's, what message does that send them?

They really are not the center of the universe, but our current culture suggests that they are.  That we should at all costs protect, nurture, guide, teach, shelter.  If we want to teach them to be self-centered, narcissistic, selfish and helpless, then that's how to do it.  If we allow them to make mistakes, to get hurt, to mess up they might think we don't love them!  More likely we will be judged by the world.  Isn't this how we learn best though?  Through our own trial and error?
Perhaps it's deeper than that.  If we always put our child's needs first, they learn to rely on us.  They need us.  Our role is validated.  If we allow them to learn and grow and develop, stepping in when necessary, but letting them figure things out, eventually they might not "need" us anymore.  They might leave us.  If children learn that they are capable and competent, they will leave and that is as it should be.  If the nest has been comfortable, but eventually feels a little "tight" and "confining" they will fly.  As long as they feel respected and loved, they will come back to visit, and that is as it should be.

The house is definitely quieter these days...  Aside from the drama that comes with an almost 16 year old, I spend more time alone, less time cleaning up after others, less time coordinating calendars.  I LOVE those rare times when they are all home.  Both of the college students were home at Thanksgiving and while it was a short visit, I relished every moment and felt nostalgic when they headed back to their lives.  THEIR LIVES.  While they are creating their lives, I get to begin exploring my own.  Exciting and scary (as it is for them)!  

staying out of the way

This launching of children is an always fascinating journey.  It is as much about launching yourself into the next part of your life as it is about actually launching your children into the next part of theirs.  Maybe that's why it seems so many don't launch successfully ~ we don't want them to.  If they do, then we have to move on.  The current cult of "Mommy" makes it all consuming for better or worse.  If our entire existence has been wrapped up in being "Mommy," what's next?
I expected sending child number two to college would be more difficult than child one for a number of reasons:  Number one is a boy and was not always communicative with his Mama.  He also went to school 30 minutes away.  I can take him to lunch pretty much any time.  Number two is a girl who tells her Mama almost everything.  She went to school 1000 miles away.  With Thanksgiving upon us, we are enjoying her company for the first time since we dropped her off in late August.  I miss them both, but it's honestly it's been an easier transition this time.
I can explain it in so many ways - she contacts me via text, phone, fb and FaceTime on a regular basis.  She's in a place that we know well and love, so even though it's far away, I can picture where she is at any given time.  This is comforting.  I don't think any of these are really the true answers though.
The first time, I was not at all sure I was ready to see my children grown up.  If they are growing up, does that mean I am growing old?  If I'm growing old, what have I done with my life?  What about everything I was going to do before I was 30? 40?
This time, it just feels different.  I can see my life evolving into one where being "mom" becomes a little less time intensive.  With one still at home, there is still plenty of driving around, writing checks, listening to dramas, arguing, laughing, etc... But it's different.
I'm seeing the grown-ups my children are becoming, and I LIKE them a lot!  I want them to be their own best selves and to do that I have to let them figure it out on their own.  I think I'm pretty good about not giving unsolicited advice, but what can be really hard is knowing what advice to give when it is requested.
My Dad is a master at this!  My whole life I have both been infuriated and grateful when he has answered a request for advice with a statement like, "I know you'll make the right decision."  He would thoughtfully help me weigh the options, but would NEVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO.  Even when I wanted him to.  His trust in me (well placed or not) empowered me to OWN my decisions.  Regardless of whether they were ultimately the "right" ones or not, the fact that I made them allowed me to accept responsibility for them and move on.
But this is risky territory.  I'm sure that before I moved from MN to CT at 22 years old, I asked my Dad what I should do.  I'm pretty sure he and my Mom would have loved to have said "It's too far! Stay here!"  But they didn't.  They let me decide and while I never doubted they would miss me, I never felt pressured to make them happy by staying.
Katy is home from Iowa for Thanksgiving because she won't be home for Christmas.  Her Swim and Dive Team will be taking a training trip to San Diego and she is too far away to come home for the few days before or after.  Last night she was having second thoughts.  Being away for Christmas doesn't sound right.  While I would love to have her home for the holidays, I'm also excited for her to have the opportunity to travel and see new places and experience new things.  Ultimately it's her decision and we will support her either way.  She will need to make her own decision, accept it and move on.
One of the real challenges of parenting is putting what is right for our children FIRST.  Their life is not about us, it's about them.  The cult of "Mommy" tells us otherwise ~ I see more and more children who can't make basic decisions for themselves because their parents make them all.  If we don't let them make little decisions, how do we ever expect them to make big ones that really matter?
Would I love for my children to all stay close by as they become adults? Sure!  Will I pressure them to do so?  No.  It is not about me and what I want.  It is about where they need to go and what they need to do to thrive and grow and contribute to this crazy world we live in.
When our children are born they need us to survive, but from the moment they take their first breathe, their life journey is to take on more and more responsibility for their own survival.  It is our job to model a good life for them. To teach them the skills they need and then stay out of their way as they try and experiment and play.  From the moment they feel air we are beginning to let them go.  It is scary but also exciting.
What have I done with my life so far?  Raised three amazing, compassionate, crazy people who will make the world a better place.  They're not done yet (none of us ever really are!), but I think they're doing pretty well!

The world according to Shoodiya

The last month has been one adventure after another adventure after another!  It's also been super busy with work and house stuff etc.  Our special guest for the summer, my niece Julia, has taught us some very important life lessons and I want to share them with you on this, her 20th birthday.

1) breathe ~ it has been a breath of fresh air to have someone in the house who takes time to breathe, look around and take the world in.  It calms me.

2) EVERYTHING is fun!  No matter what the task to be done, the response is "I LOVE......... "  Weeding, grocery shopping, washing windows, chopping vegetables or fruit, Julia embraces them all with a joyful heart ~ her joyful heart is contagious.

3) do it now.  I'm the queen of "later" or "not now" or "in a little bit".  Since Julia has been here, we have made kale chips, picked strawberries and blueberries, made jam and pie, eaten lobster in Maine, been all over New England including the beach in RI, watch several well loved movies, been to concerts and laughed a lot!  She has a way of quietly suggesting that "there is no time like the present."  I'm learning to say "yes" more often and I'm pretty sure Helen hopes that continues.

4) just get through it  whether she is feeling good or not, she has a smile and a positive attitude about everything she does.  It is impossible to be around her and not feel hopeful about the future.

5) life options are endless!  There are so many things that she is interested in becoming, it is both fun to talk with her about the possibilities and a reminder that even though I'm MUCH older than she is, my options are endless as well.  We can always change our path!

Julia has been our transitional object this summer, creating a little bit of a bridge to the fall when we will be down to one child in the house.  She has a quieter energy than her cousin Katy, but has filled the hole that Katy left by going to Calumet, with just what we all have needed.

We have a few more days to enjoy this special young woman and I will relish every one of them.  Now I'm going to go eat one of the cookies she and Helen baked late last night...