the work

I can't believe my last blog entry was in November! I've blogged about all kinds of things over the past 2 months in my head~ clearly I never actually typed anything up. From November through the holidays, I was on the hamster wheel - traveling, working, decorating, entertaining, having a full house, and on and on. Life was a little out of balance - temporary for sure, but still out of balance. There was no time for quiet. Many bits and pieces (including writing!) got forgotten.
I need quiet. I need to write. So over the last month the house emptied out and the travel was over for now. There has been lots of quiet, but no writing.

Sometimes, especially in the dark of winter, I just need to go through the motions. If I think too much I can go to dark, sad places. I get absorbed in the sadness and anger that is in the world and I feel responsibility to make it all better. This month, I cared for myself. I went to the gym and worked hard. I snuggled on the couch with the dogs and the husband and watched television and movies. I read. I made lists and checked off "tasks." The thinking I did allow myself to do was all around preparing for my first day long retreat "Refocus for the New Year."

At the retreat we explored the things that get in our way. The issues and "baggage" that keep us from moving forward with our lives. It was a powerful morning for me, witnessing the "stuff" of life that keeps us trapped. The afternoon was about moving forward and different strategies that can be helpful. It was a good day all around.

I've been frustrated over the past several months that I haven't moved forward as fast as I would like to with Coaching and Leading. I've gotten wrapped up in the practical issues and sabotaged lists and plans that will help me reach my goals. Today I had a moment during coffee with a dear friend when I realized that I HAVEN'T DONE SOME OF THE WORK THAT I ASKED PEOPLE TO DO AT THE RETREAT.

It has always been easy for me to be the "teacher" or the "leader." To be the one offering support. It is harder to be the participant. To be answering the difficult questions. Looking at the reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging what is holding me back and letting it go. If I truly want to share what I have to offer with the world I have to do the work. I need to take the time to answer the hard questions. I need to listen to what my purpose here is. I need to allow my light to shine.

Over the next month I'm going to commit to sitting down and writing. Answering some of those questions and letting go of some of my fears and worries. I want to be a source of love and support and guidance to whoever comes to me seeking it. To do that I need stop pretending and truly believe that I have much to offer.

As I prepared for the retreat, I did think about what holds me back. One of those things is the fear that people will figure out I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's the thing. I know that I DO know what I'm talking about. But, like many of you, there is this little voice inside my head that says "why would anyone listen to you?" I've heard it called Imposter Syndrome lately and there are lots of resources speaking to this, but none of them have quite banished the idea from my thinking. I've tried to do it myself by intellectualizing it. "You have years of school and experience, of course you know what you're talking about!" "But you never finished your licensure - you don't have a certificate, or a stamp of approval! Why would anyone listen to you???" Can you hear the conversation?

What I often forget is that what I bring to the table is more than just education and experience. It is passion for the work that I do. It is a commitment to helping others love themselves and live their best lives. It is a voice deep in my gut that says "you have a light to share with a dark world. why would you hide it?" I haven't spoken much about my faith life as I tend to be fairly private about it. I'm Lutheran after all... I often find myself struggling with the idea that anyone is listening to me when I pray. I forget that I need to take time to listen back to hear the answers.

As I write more this month I'm going to try to listen more as well - to carve out time for prayer, meditation, whatever. Time to sit quietly without the noise of the world to interfere.
My purpose is clear. To love and guide. To encourage and challenge. My path is still meandering. Thanks for walking by my side.

The wheels are turning and the nights are sleepless

Since I last wrote, the wheels in my brain have been spinning! I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep when my brain gets busy and lately it's been busy a lot. I've been working through my empty house, creating new teaching space in a new location, mulling different ways to communicate the importance of Early Childhood Music and Movement to potential new families, trying to wrap my brain around the rapidly changing world of Social Media and how it pertains to marketing, creative budgeting so next month's tuition payment doesn't bounce, and on and on. That doesn't even touch on the middle of the night musings about 45, N.Korea, football, the National Anthem, patriotism etc.

I know that in order to sleep well, I need to have enough physical activity during the day, I need to not drink coffee after 2 pm, I need to step away from my phone and other screens about an hour before I go to bed AND I need to re-focus my brain by reading something completely unrelated to my work or current obsessions.

When I do all those things I generally sleep pretty well. When I don't, all bets are off. While I don't love the sleepless nights, I have to admit that sometimes that is when I am the most focused and productive if I just give in, get up and go to work. The quiet of the house and the silence of my phone make it easy to not get distracted. I don't want to wake up my husband or the dogs, so I don't get up and do things like unload the dishwasher, or choreograph large movement pieces for classes.

A week or so ago during one of those sleepless nights, I realized that I wasn't moving forward on the Coaching business in a way that felt authentic to me. I was trying to focus in on finding individual clients. I was focused on creating something completely different from the work I already do. In the quiet of the night, I knew that while Coaching is different than the work I do as a Music Together Director and Teacher, it doesn't have to be completely separate. In fact, I already use Coaching skills with parents in my classes and with my teachers.

As I started to explore those ideas I realized that one of the things I do well is facilitate groups. I love retreats. Why not create a retreat for women looking to explore what's next in their life? Spending a day (or a weekend) really digging in through the use of music, movement and other creative outlets. Discovering what holds us back and what we need to move forward. Discovering what brings us JOY and how to begin taking the steps to re-focus and move forward with living the life we want.

THIS feels authentic. THIS feels like me. Over the next few weeks I'll be working on planning the details and hopefully sharing them with you by November.
Please don't hesitate to be a part of this creative process. If you have ideas of things that you would find inspiring, comforting, engaging, or challenging let me know.  In the meantime, I will continue to post in The Nest and to blog here, moving myself and hopefully you, a few steps closer to joy.

true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

my new world order...

July 17th! How did it get to be July 17th?? Between final dance recitals, graduation, parties, guests, travels, running my current business and prepping to launch my new business, I could use a nap!

The only way that I can function these days is by chunking my time~ One of the luxuries of working from home the way I have been for years is that I've been able to manage lots of different things at one time ~ this hasn't always been the most productive strategy, but for the most part I've been able to keep my family humming along and my business floating above water.

Now that guests AND kids are gone for the summer, I have found that too much flexibility for myself has become a liability! The last few weeks I've been working on deliberately chunking my time for different tasks rather than trying to multi-task everything. Wouldn't you know it works?!?

When I focus my attention in blocks of time for different parts of my life - coaching, Music Together, self-care, home-care - more gets done and I feel more calm and focused.

Having a home business can be such a great way to balance you life, but it can also turn into a never ending hamster wheel of crazy!

I have gradually stopped answering my phone when I am not "working" unless it is someone I can identify. I have responding to e-mails as soon as they come in. Instead, I'm responding to phone messages and e-mails when I can sit down and focus on the task at hand.

I love hearing how other people organize their time. What's your strategy? If you don't have one currently, what has worked in the past? Is there a strategy you've thought about trying, but just haven't done it yet?

I'd love to hear from you ~ you never know who you might learn from!