The wheels are turning and the nights are sleepless

Since I last wrote, the wheels in my brain have been spinning! I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep when my brain gets busy and lately it's been busy a lot. I've been working through my empty house, creating new teaching space in a new location, mulling different ways to communicate the importance of Early Childhood Music and Movement to potential new families, trying to wrap my brain around the rapidly changing world of Social Media and how it pertains to marketing, creative budgeting so next month's tuition payment doesn't bounce, and on and on. That doesn't even touch on the middle of the night musings about 45, N.Korea, football, the National Anthem, patriotism etc.

I know that in order to sleep well, I need to have enough physical activity during the day, I need to not drink coffee after 2 pm, I need to step away from my phone and other screens about an hour before I go to bed AND I need to re-focus my brain by reading something completely unrelated to my work or current obsessions.

When I do all those things I generally sleep pretty well. When I don't, all bets are off. While I don't love the sleepless nights, I have to admit that sometimes that is when I am the most focused and productive if I just give in, get up and go to work. The quiet of the house and the silence of my phone make it easy to not get distracted. I don't want to wake up my husband or the dogs, so I don't get up and do things like unload the dishwasher, or choreograph large movement pieces for classes.

A week or so ago during one of those sleepless nights, I realized that I wasn't moving forward on the Coaching business in a way that felt authentic to me. I was trying to focus in on finding individual clients. I was focused on creating something completely different from the work I already do. In the quiet of the night, I knew that while Coaching is different than the work I do as a Music Together Director and Teacher, it doesn't have to be completely separate. In fact, I already use Coaching skills with parents in my classes and with my teachers.

As I started to explore those ideas I realized that one of the things I do well is facilitate groups. I love retreats. Why not create a retreat for women looking to explore what's next in their life? Spending a day (or a weekend) really digging in through the use of music, movement and other creative outlets. Discovering what holds us back and what we need to move forward. Discovering what brings us JOY and how to begin taking the steps to re-focus and move forward with living the life we want.

THIS feels authentic. THIS feels like me. Over the next few weeks I'll be working on planning the details and hopefully sharing them with you by November.
Please don't hesitate to be a part of this creative process. If you have ideas of things that you would find inspiring, comforting, engaging, or challenging let me know.  In the meantime, I will continue to post in The Nest and to blog here, moving myself and hopefully you, a few steps closer to joy.

true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

Today's the day...

The world has been crazy lately. I've taken a dive back into political activism. I'm horrified by some of the racist, white-supremicist, awful things that are taking up oxygen currently.
I'm also amazed at the kindness and beauty that continues to surround us all. The ugliness is getting a lot of air time, but the beauty and goodness will prevail.

I choose to believe this. Call me naive if you like, but I believe that there is more good in the world than bad. I won't believe otherwise. If I did, I'm not sure I could leave this morning to bring my youngest child (and her older sister) to college half-way across the country.

I know that there are good people EVERYWHERE and that if and when my newest chick to leave the nest needs help, guidance, support, ANYTHING, some good person will step up and help. It's what we do. It's what I have taught my children and it's what I have witnessed over my increasingly long life.

I'm not suggesting that there is not ugliness and hate in the world ~ our current political leaders lack of moral leadership seem to have brought much of the hate that has been simmering underground, to the surface. As much as it winds me up and stresses me out, maybe it's a good thing. It's easier to fight something you can see.

Like generations before us, we will look at those who would preach hate and violence, and we will continue to preach love and non-violence. Hopefully we will learn from our past before too much damage is done.

Here's what I want to tell my daughter as she heads out into this complicated world of ours.

LIVE your life. Don't be afraid to make mistakes or to get hurt. This is when we learn the most. Take care of yourself. Take care of others. Believe in something bigger than yourself and trust that you are loved and cared for. Look for the Helpers. Mr. Rogers words continue to ring true. If you are afraid, or confused or just need a hand, look for the helpers. They're EVERYWHERE! Be a helper yourself.

Stand up for yourself and others. Eat healthy foods, drink lots of water and take your vitamins.

Don't forget to sleep.

Remember your hat when it's cold.

Never ever forget how very much I love you and how very proud I am of the powerful woman you are becoming.

Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

The first day...

Today is the first day of my 50th year.

Today my youngest child will attend her Senior Prom - as a family, this is Prom number 9.

The "lasts" are coming fast and furious this month! The last HS musical last weekend, the last Chorus Concert yesterday, the last Prom today...

This time is full of mixed emotions. I am so ready to "graduate" from High School. 10 years has been a good run, but I'm ready to move on. At the same time, these years have been full of music, friends, community and love as my children have grown into amazing young people, both because of and in spite of the community they grew up in.

I'm ready to shift my volunteer focus away from school events and committee's towards community events and committee's. I'm ready to dive more deeply into life as an entrepreneur. With fewer "mom" demands on my time I will have fewer excuses and look forward to holding myself accountable for using my time well and growing my business.

I'm sad to leave these days behind. I'm not sure if it's because I've loved them or because I'm afraid I didn't love them enough. "The days are long but the years are short." I don't know who said it first, but it's true. I've always been guilty of looking ahead ~ just look at birthdays! 29 was harder than 30, 39 was harder than 40 and I suspect 49 will be harder than 50.

This year, my 50th, I want to continue to focus on being in the moment. Planning for the future, but really seeing what is happening around me and being PRESENT. Rather than fretting about being almost 50, I want to enjoy 49.

As the "lasts" continue this month and next, I will enjoy them all. I will cry and laugh and probably take too many pictures. I am so proud of the children I have raised and enjoy them more and more as adults every day ~ the years to come will be different for sure, but I'm excited to follow the journey's of each of my "chicks" and am excited to continue my own journey as it diverges from theirs.

Here's to a new year of taking risks, learning new things and enjoying every minute!

Happy May Day!

May is here!
May is always a big month for me. There is something about the new babies, flowering trees, warmer temperatures and new energy that gets me going.

May is my birth month. It's the month of Mother's Day and the birth month of child number 2. It feels celebratory and inspiring. It feels validating.

This May will include a series of "lasts." Our last Prom. Our last HS musical production. Our last HS concert. While we are ready to graduate from HS for the last time, I would be totally lying if I said that each of these "lasts" weren't tinged with a little sadness. I want to relish each of them. I want to fully experience them with my child so I can really and truly say goodbye to this chapter of my life.

This month I also dig deeper into creating a new professional path for myself. My Music Together work just gets richer and more satisfying and will continue on. In addition to this work I'm beginning to explore the world of Life Coaching. I'm in the early phase where I'm creating an identity and a focus. Who is my ideal client? What can I teach them? How can I support them? What do I have to offer? Lots of questions to answer! Having a coach to take me through this process is certainly the only way I would actually make it happen, but at times it feels indulgent. I need to own the investment and take full advantage of the opportunities to learn and grow if I am to be successful. I don't have to do it by myself.

While my momentum is building, I'm still finding myself "hiding" in my nest ~ putting off my list of "to-do's" in favor of snuggling with the dogs. Watching netflix with child number 3. I don't quite trust my wings yet. To feel safe I need to build my network of support. Those who will catch me if I fall. Isn't this what parenting is all about?? I feel almost as if I'm 18 again and ready to leap... but not quite.

As parents, we create a "nest" for our young ones. A safe space to learn and grow. Some children can't wait to jump out and others need a little more time to feel safe. Either way, we want them to know that they can always come back if they need to ~ to re-group, re-charge, re-focus.
Sometimes they jump before they are ready ~ we want to catch them when they fall, but some fall too fast.
Sometimes they get stuck and refuse to jump ~ a nudge becomes necessary to get them moving! If they don't trust themselves, we need to help them along by making it clear that WE trust them. We know they have what it takes to create a life for themselves. If we have done our job as parents, they will trust US, take a breath, spread their wings, and fly.
One way or another, our children will grow and go. When that happens it's back to us. Deep sigh.

In less than 6 weeks, Helen will graduate from HS. Both girls will spend the summer working at Camp Calumet in NH as they have before, and then will head to college; one for the first year, and one for the last year. My truly empty nest begins soon.

Here's the thing though. There will always be room in my "nest" for anyone who needs a place to re-group, re-charge, re-focus. Sometimes it will be my children. Sometimes it will be friends. Hopefully it will be future clients. A "nest" isn't just a physical home for me. It is a metaphorical "safe space." A judgement free zone where you don't need to apologize for resting your "wings."

Through the season of new life, new energy and new beginnings, I will be taking time to sink in to my "nest." I will continue to develop my skills and "muscles." I will continue to soak up the "lasts" with Helen and will be available to her as much as I can be to enjoy it all.

In June, she and I will both fly out into the world. 

The children were nestled...

My children are home all snug in their beds...

I wish visions of sugarplums were all that were in their heads. With children transitioning to adulthood, the visions in their heads are not something I can control (not that I could before!) or ever know. Sometimes they share their dreams with me, but not often.
The world they are going out into is in some ways no different than the world I launched into in 1990,  in other ways, very different. In some ways better, in some ways worse.

When I was in college, I travelled to the USSR - the next year the Berlin Wall came down and we rejoiced that the Cold War was ending. Since then the fear of nuclear war has been way back in my mind as something of the past. We had evolved past that as a global society. Now I fear the incoming administration will plunge us back into not only an arms race, but WWIII. I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

When I was in college, there was drinking, smoking, pot, and other drugs being used. Heroin was something mysterious and only being used by junkies in cities. Now a generation of young people are dying. My son and his friends are mourning the loss of one of their own just a week or so ago. TOO MANY. Every week I hear a friend of a friend, or the brother or sister of a friend has died from an OD... my heart aches.

When I was in college, I was pretty oblivious to politics. I voted, but mostly because my parents had instilled a sense of responsibility in me. That's just what you do. For the most part I trusted that the leaders I voted for were good people who wanted the best for our nation. My perspective was to get through the elections and then even if I wasn't thrilled with the result, I felt I needed to give them a chance. I don't remember ever being afraid after an election, that those who were in power were going to destroy us. I never felt compelled to write letters, send e-mails, make phone calls, or march in protest. Now, I've done almost all of those. I'm going to a march in NYC on January 21st. If there is a silver lining to this horror show of an election, it is the number of people who have NEVER been politically active, who are now stepping up. My children are far more engaged and informed than I ever was. They are prepared to stand up and be counted. To stop the forces that would take the progress of the last 50 years and stomp on it.

When I was in college, I knew gay people. I had friends who were gay, I sang with people who were gay. While I don't remember ever thinking there was anything wrong with being gay, I would never have envisioned the progress we've made around marriage equality. The beautiful families I see headed by two moms or two dads were not anything I knew growing up. For my children? It's a part of the many ways that families are created. We still have such a long ways to go as a country, but we were making great progress, not just around acceptance of sexual orientation, but around protecting the rights and well being of ALL of us regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, immigration status...

Now, there are horrible things happening more and more - the incoming administration has unleashed a flood of UGLY. Never in my lifetime did I every fear that in 2016, swastika's would be showing up on playgrounds and in schools. On that trip to the USSR, we also visited Hungary, Estonia, and Poland. We spent time in Auschwitz Concentration Camp - we saw the horror that can be unleashed.
Now, I wear a safety pin everyday not only to signal that I am "safe," to those who may feel fear, but to remind myself that I must be ready to STAND UP. To remind myself that I can't look away from the hate. I must face it with strength and love.

My children are entering adulthood at a time when as a global community we are teetering on the brink. We could move forward into a world that supports and embraces all that is beautiful and diverse and AMAZING, or we could plunge backwards into a world that fears anything "different."

When it is dark and cold and my seasonal fight with depression rears it's ugly head, I truly fear for the future of our nation and our world.

When I look at my children and their friends, and the faces of the children I sing and dance with every day, I know in my heart that the ugliness that is out there is a LAST GASP. Those who are afraid of change and progress and different, are in the minority. Those who believe that what makes our world so amazing is the very diversity that makes up not just our nation, but the planet earth, are in the majority. We are growing and we are learning to speak out and stand up.

May 2017 be a year when love and kindness triumphs over hate and meanness. May it be a year when we demand that those in charge of our precious world LISTEN. May it be a year when we listen to each other and find common ground in our desire to live peace-filled, loving lives. 

The saga continues...

I can't believe it's been such a long time since I had anything to say!?! I've actually had lots to say, but decided much of it was either private or inappropriate or just not nice :-)
Mostly the last year has been absorbed with life and that's it.

Today my youngest starts her first day of her Senior year. Our last of 10 consecutive years with someone in High School. A few people have asked my if I'm sad or "how can you stand it?" I have to say I AM SO READY TO BE DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL! I feel like I have to confess that I am looking forward to all the "lasts" with excitement rather than sadness...

I love my children. I love being a mom. I've been at it all of my adult life having started my family on the early end of things. I love babies. I love toddlers. I love pre-school. With many ups and downs I have loved watching my children grow and I have cried and yelled and hugged and kissed and snuggled and done all the things a parent does.

I am finding my fledgling adult children to be endlessly interesting, funny, smart caring people. The kind of people I like to spend time with. I'm ready to get to know them even better as they dig into the world and find their place in it.

I'm also ready to dive into my next chapter. My marriage after 25 years continues to fill me up and bring me joy. My work is endlessly fascinating and evolving as I take on different roles and learn new things to share. We dream about traveling and just hanging out at home. While I'm certain I will miss my children (and do when they are gone), I love hearing about their adventures and enjoy filling them in on mine.

This is the whole point. We don't have children to keep them children. We have children to enrich the world with new energy and ideas and passion as they grow. We raise adults.

While the "lasts" of this year will certainly bring some feelings of nostalgia and maybe a few tears, I plan to enjoy them all. Some of the "lasts" I will say goodbye to with a "don't let the door hit you on the way out" kind of attitude. Some of them will be more of a "wow! I will miss this!" They will be special for my child because they are "hers." I plan to document them for her. I plan to celebrate them with her. I will not mourn them though. Mourning is for those things that make you sad. My children's lives make me anything but.

which path?

I am an anticipator.  I'm always thinking about what's coming next.  I started a blog about emptying the nest at the beginning of a 10 year journey to launch my children.  I start thinking about the "next" project or program before the first one is done.  When I celebrated my 24th birthday I stressed about turning 25.  29, and 39 were tough too.
Being an anticipator fits with my tendency to be an idea person as well.  I HAVE GREAT IDEAS!  What happens with these ideas though is completely dependent on who is around me at the time.  If there are "doers" who are on board, amazing things can happen.  If I'm alone, or not clear that I need "doers" the ideas just sink back down and either re-surface later or disappear.
One idea has repeatedly re-surfaced for the last 20+ years.  I've probably blogged about it before.  Here I go again because it won't leave me alone!
I have imagined an amazing place where children, families, and individuals of all ages could come together to learn and grow using music, movement, theatre, play, and conversation.  I can see it.  I dream about it.  I've taken halting steps to make it a reality.  As soon as it starts to seem like it could happen, I get distracted (or scared) and let it drift away.
Right now I have a choice to make.  I can be brave and move forward in a clear focused way to assemble the people I need to make my vision a reality, or I can thank that same vision for inspiring me for so many years and let it go once and for all.
But which way to go?  There are implications on both sides.  If I move forward, it will mean a lot of work, financial risk, probably some compromise, being very vulnerable and quite possibly failure.  It could also become one of the most amazing experiences of my life and become a place that brings tremendous value to my community and the people in it.
If I say goodbye to it, there is no risk,  life continues as it is. Aside from constantly stressing about finances, my life is pretty amazing, and finances can be worked on to reduce that stress, so not a bad choice. There is the risk of disappointing the people who I've told about my vision, but I've disappointed people before and I'm sure I will again.  After 47 years I'm getting better at not beating myself up for this, but it's still hard. It would also mean that I will never know if my dream of 20 years could have become real.  I will never know what my legacy could have been.
I read this and think it's kind of a no-brainier.
It's just not that simple.  Finances are a stressor and I can't expand my business without resources and financial risk.  I also have a child in High School who is really struggling with some tough issues and who needs her mom to be available.  I'm starting to think about what retirement might actually be like and instead of imagining perpetual boredom, the idea of reading, puttering in the garden and singing sounds lovely.  Do I really want to ramp it all up now?
Maybe there are "doers" reading this who are ready to dive in with me and get to work.  Maybe not.  Maybe you're saying to yourself "sounds good Jane. Have fun with that."  I have a list of doers in my brain.  Maybe you're on it.  Maybe I'll send you a message. Maybe I won't.  If you send me a message I might be more likely to "do" something, even if it's just meet for coffee.
Now it's back to life where the paths diverge.  Which way to go?

The world is STILL a good place...

It's been almost two months since I visited this page... Many times I began blogging in my head, but never succeeded in getting any of it down "on paper."  Maybe if I don't write about it it won't happen. Maybe if I allow myself to be paralyzed time will stop.

I don't really want time to stop, but I have allowed myself to be paralyzed over the last week~ the list gets longer and I add to it and then go back on Facebook, or drink another cup of coffee, or both.

This time of year is both my favorite and most hated.  I love the cooler mornings, the excitement of a "new year," the continued harvest from the garden.  The shorter days and the clear sign that time is marching on compel me to curl up in a ball on the couch with the dog, coffee and the Today Show and refuse to do anything.

Yesterday I got wrapped up in gun reform debates on Facebook.  While it's important and I feel more driven than ever to be a voice for reason, yesterday it was a strategy to ignore the things I need to attend to; bills, schedules, plans, to-do's, saying goodbye to two of my children.

Katy leaves tomorrow to begin her Sophomore year at Luther College in Decorah, IA.  I'm both excited for her and sad to see her go. We will have a quick visit in Oct. when Jeff and I attend our 25th College Reunion, and then we will see her at Christmas. She is becoming exactly who we predicted from the moment she was born; A force to be reckoned with!  I couldn't be more proud and I look forward to hearing about her classes, adventures and friends.  I will miss her.

Andrew leaves Sunday to move to New Haven.  Grown up life is calling and while he has no idea what it will look like, he is moving forward.  I'm both excited for him and proud that while he knows it will be difficult at times, he is ready to take on the challenges that the world will put before him.  He can fly, knowing that there is always room for him in the "nest" if he needs to re-group or rest or just visit.

I love that they seem to be moving forward unafraid.  So much of what I see in social media and elsewhere is fear-based.  We're becoming a culture of "us" and "them."  We are so afraid of the "others."  Our children are bombarded with images of shootings, natural disasters and other "things" to be afraid of.  We all get overwhelmed and focused on the negative in the world rather than the positive. We don't SEE the positive enough. On top of the things they can't control, we're pushing our children to work harder and excel because we are afraid they will be left behind, not because we want them to be happy. Our "fear" of failure can rub off on them and leave them with the sense that there is nothing in their life that they can control. They must do x, y, z or they won't get into the right schools and won't get the right jobs.  If they don't take every AP class they won't have college credits when they start college and will be behind.  Rather than supporting them in making choices that are right for them, we pressure them (or allow them to be pressured by others), to keep up and to do more. The list goes on and on and our children become more and more anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and fearful.

My oldest was in kindergarten when the shootings at Columbine High School happened.  I will always remember walking him home and trying to answer his questions.  We worked hard to keep the news off and to not overwhelm our children with images of tragedy.  We tried to do the same after 9/11.  Since then, it has gotten harder and harder to block the horror that is in the world.  Media is EVERYWHERE and while the world really isn't more dangerous than it used to be, IT SEEMS THAT WAY.  We don't see stories of goodness.  We don't see stories of joy.  We are overwhelmed with the bad and allow ourselves to begin living out of fear.  While we still try to protect our children from the horror in the world, we forget to protect ourselves from it and allow it to seep into our pores and turn us into fearful beings. Our children learn from what we do, not what we say.

Our youngest has grown up with less protection simply because it isn't as easy as turning off the tv.  As a third child, we have sometimes had conversations that we wouldn't have had at the same age with her older sibs.  She is still more protected than many and less fearful than many.  She successfully navigated a summer away from home and returned to the "real" world, more confident and vital after a summer of work and play. She is still more anxious and fearful than her siblings. We're working on it.

I could be afraid of so many things ~ I could be paralyzed by fears about plane crashes, shootings in the city, and on and on and on.  The truth is I don't want my life to be ruled by fear.  I don't want my children to live in fear.  I don't want them to be foolish and put themselves in harm's way, but I want them to LIVE.  If we are fearful and live our life constantly afraid of what might happen, what kind of life is that?  Accidents happen. Tragedies happen. Illness happens.  HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN.  We can't control so many of the things that paralyze us, but we can control how we react to them.  We can control how we choose to live our life.  We can control how we interact with the world.  We can be proactive and create "villages" filled with people who fill us up and provide is with a "nest" to visit when we need a little extra support.  We don't have to do everything by ourselves. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by the "what if's" I want take charge of the things I actually can control.  I want my children to make decisions based on what is good for them, NOT based on what everyone else is doing.  I want them to think for themselves and not get overwhelmed by the things they can't control.  I want to do a better job of modeling this for them.

I could be so afraid of sending my children out into the world, but I'm not.  I will miss them and I will worry about them, but I'm not afraid.  Despite popular opinion, the world is an amazing place filled with wonderful people, places and adventures to be had.  I could be afraid, but I'm not.  I'm excited to follow their journeys and I am proud that they are people who will make the world an even better place as they go.

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

It will never be the same... and that's good.

I was so excited for Katy to get home last weekend after her first year at Luther College in Decorah, IA!  She has had such a great year and is turning into the confident, amazing young woman we always knew she would.
I forgot that when they come home they become their younger selves😏  I still do this when I return to my parents home in MN- while I'm 47, I find myself lounging on the couch and feeling a little like the teenager I was when I left home for college almost 30 years ago!  Andy did it when he came home after his first year.  Why did it surprise me this time?  I should have been more than ready!
We've shared texts, phone calls, messages of all sorts, and have increasingly become friends ~ this doesn't mean that I'm not still mom and she's still not my child though.

That first year out they stretch their legs and experience life without having to report in or follow someone else's rules and requests.  It's AWESOME!  They handle their own mistakes and figure out how to negotiate the world (at least a small piece of it!). Then, they come home.
There are house rules, there are shared chores, there are expectations and demands.  Ugh.  I wouldn't want to come home either!  It's not quite that bad, but there is negotiating that needs to happen and give and take on both sides.  Young people returning home need to realize that when you live with any group of people there are rules and norms and the ones at your family's home are different than those in a dorm.  Parents need to realize that their child is not a child any longer and to impose the rules and expectations of High School won't work.  Renegotiating how to live together is important and will help all members of the family enjoy the short time together.
Now if we figure all that out, I'll let you know!

We just celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday.  The weekend was super busy, so the best we could manage was a delicious dinner and cake with the family ~ Andy came home and our neighbors/family came to join us.  It was a day of up and down for my girl - she's excited and happy to be home, but misses her friends and "new" home terribly.  Along with that comes that angst that we will be hurt if she tells us that while she loves us more than anything, she'd really rather be with her friends.  Again, that's as it should be.
This whole process of growing up is about moving out and creating a life for yourself.  While I don't mean to imply that I don't want to see my children and have a connection to them while they create this life for themselves, I want them to know that I'll be fine.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the "Little House On the Prairie" books.  One of my earliest memories as a reader was reading "Little House In the Big Woods" and trying to wrap my brain around the idea that when they left the big woods they would most likely never see their grandparents again.  When you moved away, you MOVED AWAY.
In today's world of transportation and communications, it is easy to stay connected and in someways too easy.  I look around and see a lot of pressure to BE TOGETHER.  Again, I hope that I will always be a part of my children's lives, but I want them to follow their path wherever it takes them.  They need to live THEIR life, not mine.  Was it strange last Christmas when Katy was away from us? YES! Was it fine? YES.  She was having an experience and that's awesome!  As Andy considers his options for the future now that college is finished, some of those options might take him far away from us.  Is that a little sad for us? YES! Is it fine though? YES!

I want our children to remain connected to us because they love us and want to have a relationship with us, NOT because they feel obligated or required to.  While I am sometimes nostalgic for the past and thoroughly enjoy loving up other people's babies, I'm excited for the future! My children will have interesting, wonderful lives and Jeff and I will move onto the next phase of ours ~ that's the piece that really makes it exciting!  After a lifetime together, we are really just getting started!  We like each other more than ever and dream of the adventures WE will have and the life that WE will live as our children pursue their life journey.

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

moving right along...

The "firsts" and the "lasts" are so bittersweet!  When my oldest went to kindergarten I was a little sad, but mostly excited for the new adventures to come!  When my youngest went to kindergarten, I was excited for the adventures, but sad that my days with "babies" were coming to an end.

When my oldest started High School, I realized that for the next decade we would have one or two kids in high school.  It seemed like a really long time, but all of a sudden, my youngest is halfway through her Sophomore year.

When my oldest turned 16 I couldn't believe it!  I was so excited and ready for the 3rd driver and the end of the sullen early teens :-)  Today my youngest turns 16 and once again, I'm excited for the young woman she is becoming, but my heart is sad to say goodbye to my sweet little girl.

Thoughts for Helen -

     * Enjoy the ride!
     * Don't sweat the small stuff (and most of it is small stuff)
     * Listen to those around you and then make your own decisions
     * Don't worry about your parents - we'll be just fine
     * Be sure to care for others, but don't forget to care for yourself as well
     * Listen to you "gut"
     * Pray, play and laugh
     * Don't forget what it's like to be a child while you are busy becoming a grown up.

Thoughts for those of you with little ones -

     * Pay attention!  Time really does fly by ~
     * Don't hover - our children really do need to make their own mistakes
     * Just because you love them doesn't mean you'll like them all the time - forgive yourself
     * Give them the gift of allowing them to become their own true self.
     * Make sure they learn how to take care of themselves.  Even the littlest children can help!
     * Don't rescue them too quickly, but be ready to catch them if they fall.
     * You can NEVER love them too much, but you can smother them.  DON'T

This summer Helen is planning to be a CIT in New Hampshire at Camp Calumet.  When my oldest spent his first summer in New Hampshire, it was the beginning of the emptying of the nest.  This summer will be quiet for sure and I will miss her terribly, but as long as all of my children know they always have a "nest" to come back to I'm ok with that.  It's time.

self care

Since Katy left, life has been typically crazy busy with houseguests, work, shows, classes, and on and on, but my perspective seems to have changed dramatically.  For the first time in a long time, I made a point of slowing down and looking at myself and the choices I was making.  I remembered that (much like I tell my 15 year old) I am in control of my own drama.  I can choose to stress over things I have no control over.  I can also choose not to.  Stressing over finances just makes me stressed and tired.  Taking a breath, adjusting what I can and managing what I have generally means that I finish faster and feel better.  There is still the same amount of money available, but my heart is calm and I can breathe.

I can choose to be in turmoil over the fact that my weight is bothering me, or I can find jeans that fit and slowly and steadily take baby steps to add more exercise and be more mindful of my eating.  Hating my butt just makes me crabby.  Recognizing that it is what it is, and that in the grand scheme of things no one cares, allows me to be calm and happy.

In October I spent sometime with an online group called Design Your Day, facilitated by the lovely Jeanine.  The simple step of spending an hour in conversation once a week with a diverse group of women, followed by an amazing one hour Skype session with Jeanine leading me in a program called JourneyDance, was more useful to my personal wellbeing than any amount of therapy, journaling, processing, that I've ever done.  I began making decisions that showed care for myself in simple ways.  Finding jeans that fit, buying a HappyLight to help address my SAD, putting on my favorite music and dancing while I got stuff done.  I've been back in the group for December and now January and am finding it to be an incredible source of support and laughter!

This time of year I generally struggle to keep up my energy and mood.  This year I've chosen to do things that show care for myself and in doing so I feel better have more energy, am more confident and happy.  This is rippling into caring for others better.  Instead of beating myself up for not doing this or that, I'm either doing it, finding someone else to do it, or letting it go.
I know none of this is rocket science.  But when you are stuck in your own figurative "mud" it's hard to pull yourself out.  Sometimes acknowledging it is enough.  Sometimes reaching out to someone who can give you a hug is what you need.  Sometimes you just need to say "it's my turn."  When we constantly put our needs and wants second to our children's, what message does that send them?

They really are not the center of the universe, but our current culture suggests that they are.  That we should at all costs protect, nurture, guide, teach, shelter.  If we want to teach them to be self-centered, narcissistic, selfish and helpless, then that's how to do it.  If we allow them to make mistakes, to get hurt, to mess up they might think we don't love them!  More likely we will be judged by the world.  Isn't this how we learn best though?  Through our own trial and error?
Perhaps it's deeper than that.  If we always put our child's needs first, they learn to rely on us.  They need us.  Our role is validated.  If we allow them to learn and grow and develop, stepping in when necessary, but letting them figure things out, eventually they might not "need" us anymore.  They might leave us.  If children learn that they are capable and competent, they will leave and that is as it should be.  If the nest has been comfortable, but eventually feels a little "tight" and "confining" they will fly.  As long as they feel respected and loved, they will come back to visit, and that is as it should be.

The house is definitely quieter these days...  Aside from the drama that comes with an almost 16 year old, I spend more time alone, less time cleaning up after others, less time coordinating calendars.  I LOVE those rare times when they are all home.  Both of the college students were home at Thanksgiving and while it was a short visit, I relished every moment and felt nostalgic when they headed back to their lives.  THEIR LIVES.  While they are creating their lives, I get to begin exploring my own.  Exciting and scary (as it is for them)!  

staying out of the way

This launching of children is an always fascinating journey.  It is as much about launching yourself into the next part of your life as it is about actually launching your children into the next part of theirs.  Maybe that's why it seems so many don't launch successfully ~ we don't want them to.  If they do, then we have to move on.  The current cult of "Mommy" makes it all consuming for better or worse.  If our entire existence has been wrapped up in being "Mommy," what's next?
I expected sending child number two to college would be more difficult than child one for a number of reasons:  Number one is a boy and was not always communicative with his Mama.  He also went to school 30 minutes away.  I can take him to lunch pretty much any time.  Number two is a girl who tells her Mama almost everything.  She went to school 1000 miles away.  With Thanksgiving upon us, we are enjoying her company for the first time since we dropped her off in late August.  I miss them both, but it's honestly it's been an easier transition this time.
I can explain it in so many ways - she contacts me via text, phone, fb and FaceTime on a regular basis.  She's in a place that we know well and love, so even though it's far away, I can picture where she is at any given time.  This is comforting.  I don't think any of these are really the true answers though.
The first time, I was not at all sure I was ready to see my children grown up.  If they are growing up, does that mean I am growing old?  If I'm growing old, what have I done with my life?  What about everything I was going to do before I was 30? 40?
This time, it just feels different.  I can see my life evolving into one where being "mom" becomes a little less time intensive.  With one still at home, there is still plenty of driving around, writing checks, listening to dramas, arguing, laughing, etc... But it's different.
I'm seeing the grown-ups my children are becoming, and I LIKE them a lot!  I want them to be their own best selves and to do that I have to let them figure it out on their own.  I think I'm pretty good about not giving unsolicited advice, but what can be really hard is knowing what advice to give when it is requested.
My Dad is a master at this!  My whole life I have both been infuriated and grateful when he has answered a request for advice with a statement like, "I know you'll make the right decision."  He would thoughtfully help me weigh the options, but would NEVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO.  Even when I wanted him to.  His trust in me (well placed or not) empowered me to OWN my decisions.  Regardless of whether they were ultimately the "right" ones or not, the fact that I made them allowed me to accept responsibility for them and move on.
But this is risky territory.  I'm sure that before I moved from MN to CT at 22 years old, I asked my Dad what I should do.  I'm pretty sure he and my Mom would have loved to have said "It's too far! Stay here!"  But they didn't.  They let me decide and while I never doubted they would miss me, I never felt pressured to make them happy by staying.
Katy is home from Iowa for Thanksgiving because she won't be home for Christmas.  Her Swim and Dive Team will be taking a training trip to San Diego and she is too far away to come home for the few days before or after.  Last night she was having second thoughts.  Being away for Christmas doesn't sound right.  While I would love to have her home for the holidays, I'm also excited for her to have the opportunity to travel and see new places and experience new things.  Ultimately it's her decision and we will support her either way.  She will need to make her own decision, accept it and move on.
One of the real challenges of parenting is putting what is right for our children FIRST.  Their life is not about us, it's about them.  The cult of "Mommy" tells us otherwise ~ I see more and more children who can't make basic decisions for themselves because their parents make them all.  If we don't let them make little decisions, how do we ever expect them to make big ones that really matter?
Would I love for my children to all stay close by as they become adults? Sure!  Will I pressure them to do so?  No.  It is not about me and what I want.  It is about where they need to go and what they need to do to thrive and grow and contribute to this crazy world we live in.
When our children are born they need us to survive, but from the moment they take their first breathe, their life journey is to take on more and more responsibility for their own survival.  It is our job to model a good life for them. To teach them the skills they need and then stay out of their way as they try and experiment and play.  From the moment they feel air we are beginning to let them go.  It is scary but also exciting.
What have I done with my life so far?  Raised three amazing, compassionate, crazy people who will make the world a better place.  They're not done yet (none of us ever really are!), but I think they're doing pretty well!

The world according to Shoodiya

The last month has been one adventure after another adventure after another!  It's also been super busy with work and house stuff etc.  Our special guest for the summer, my niece Julia, has taught us some very important life lessons and I want to share them with you on this, her 20th birthday.

1) breathe ~ it has been a breath of fresh air to have someone in the house who takes time to breathe, look around and take the world in.  It calms me.

2) EVERYTHING is fun!  No matter what the task to be done, the response is "I LOVE......... "  Weeding, grocery shopping, washing windows, chopping vegetables or fruit, Julia embraces them all with a joyful heart ~ her joyful heart is contagious.

3) do it now.  I'm the queen of "later" or "not now" or "in a little bit".  Since Julia has been here, we have made kale chips, picked strawberries and blueberries, made jam and pie, eaten lobster in Maine, been all over New England including the beach in RI, watch several well loved movies, been to concerts and laughed a lot!  She has a way of quietly suggesting that "there is no time like the present."  I'm learning to say "yes" more often and I'm pretty sure Helen hopes that continues.

4) just get through it  whether she is feeling good or not, she has a smile and a positive attitude about everything she does.  It is impossible to be around her and not feel hopeful about the future.

5) life options are endless!  There are so many things that she is interested in becoming, it is both fun to talk with her about the possibilities and a reminder that even though I'm MUCH older than she is, my options are endless as well.  We can always change our path!

Julia has been our transitional object this summer, creating a little bit of a bridge to the fall when we will be down to one child in the house.  She has a quieter energy than her cousin Katy, but has filled the hole that Katy left by going to Calumet, with just what we all have needed.

We have a few more days to enjoy this special young woman and I will relish every one of them.  Now I'm going to go eat one of the cookies she and Helen baked late last night...

feeling the world's sadness...

The whirlwind that is Spring with a H.S. Senior has finally wound down.  I brought Kate to Camp Calumet to work for the summer last Thursday and the house is settling into a new routine.  My niece Julia is here through the end of July and we've named her our transitional object.  She has a lovely presence about her and makes it very hard to be mopey!
There have been plenty of reasons to be blue lately... All the goodbyes over the last 2 weeks, coupled with the tragic death of a local Ellington boy, is enough to make anyone cry.  On top of that my daughter and niece and I went to see "The Fault in our Stars".  WEEPFEST.  I got a little teary but did not cry.  I expected to weep, but I didn't.

So why have I been so dry-eyed?  The older I get and the more sadness I see, the less I cry.  Especially about other people's grief.  I got teary at graduation and when dropping Katy off at Camp. I will miss her terribly and am incredibly proud of her at the same time.  Both things that make me cry.
A graduate of our H.S. in the class of 2013 was killed last week in a tragic ATV accident.  I didn't know him, but from friends and social media, I know I would have liked him.  He was an athlete, student, all around good kid. Well loved by many.  But I didn't know him.  His Mom was one of my daughter's favorite middle school teachers, but I just know her from a local committee we are on.  My heart aches for her, her husband and their other three children.  But their grief is not mine.  I felt like I should go to the local vigil, wake or funeral, but could not bring myself to go.  I prayed for them privately and offered my support to a friend who knew the boy, but I could not grieve.  His death is tragic, but their grief is not mine.
Watching the movie, I felt so sad for the characters.  It is a tragic story.  Kids, cancer, young love.... who wouldn't weep?????  me.
With the explosion of social media, the private grief of so many has become public.  We collectively mourn every time there is a shooting or when a "famous" somebody passes away.  I remember when Princess Diana was killed and the overwhelming outpouring of grief from the world seemed both touching and exploitive at the same time.
Since then, it seems that the thing to do is to take on the grief out in the world and own it.  We take it over and weep for people we have never known.  As I re-read this I feel a little cold and hard-hearted, but I don't intend it that way.  How we all deal with grief and tragedy is by nature personal.  This is not intended as a judgment on those who would outwardly grieve with and for others.  I just find myself stepping further and further away.
My first career a million years ago was as a therapist.  Therapists are trained to listen and guide.  We we're taught to maintain a level of distance because it wasn't our job to take on our clients "stuff".  I was a sponge!  I would soak it up and then come home and squeeze it out all over my sweet young family.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't keep myself from taking on other peoples pain.  A few years ago, seeing "The fault in our Stars" would have dissolved me into a puddle.  What has happened to my heart??
Perhaps as I get older and see and hear about more and more tragedy and grief in the world, I have to protect my heart so I don't get consumed by the sadness.  Maybe my role is once again to listen and support and pray.  To be with others when they need me.  To be an observer rather than participant.

maybe that's enough.

tonight's the night...

So many BIG days over the last few weeks-  18th birthday, skydiving, concerts, recitals, 21st birthday.
Tonight child number 2 graduates from High School.  Child number 1 turned 21 yesterday.  Child number 3 is beginning to realize that life is changing quickly and will never be the same.  The "nest" is quickly gaining more room, but will be quieter and maybe a little lonely next year.
We've gained a transitional "niece" for the summer as Julia arrives to work with me and be a substitute big sister, but she will head home the end of July and it will be quiet.
We will put off the quiet a little longer by spending a few weeks in our favorite place - Camp Calumet.
The quiet will arrive though.  We might enjoy it for a while and we will adjust to it for sure.  She is right though.  Life is changing rapidly and will never be the same.
At some point she will realize that change isn't bad.  Really, life is just beginning!

As much as I'm feeling melancholy this week about my children growing up and moving on, I'm so excited for them!  They are becoming really interesting, awesome people and as the parent/child hierarchy shifts to incorporate more elements of friendship, I'm looking forward to following their adventures and maybe sharing a few.

Once in a while I think about what I really want them to know... here's what I have so far:

1) your dad and I love you more than we ever thought was possible

2) no matter how far you fly you can always come home

3) we will not always agree with you, but we will always support your final decisions

4) life is hard. surround yourself with people you love and who love you - it makes it easier

5) know how to say "I'm sorry" and "Thank you" and say them whenever it's appropriate

6) find work that energizes you and feeds your soul

7) live within your means - debt sucks

8) sing, dance, play, exercise and believe in something greater than yourself

9) be careful who you share your innermost thoughts and dreams with, but once you commit to a relationship, jump in with both feet

10) be happy

Hold your breath and jump!

This is a big weekend.  I'm both excited and terrified.  I'm not a thrill seeker - I don't like roller coasters or other activities that put my physical self in danger.  When my children were small though, I discovered that while I was not a thrill seeker, I LOVED seeing my children take risks and succeed.

When Andrew was about 2 we went to a playground nearby and he kept heading for this giant climbing thing.  I kept following him and taking him off.  "It's too big!"  He was persistent though and at some point I let him climb, staying nearby to "spot" him.  Wouldn't you know he made it to the top by himself and the look on his face was PRICELESS.  As he grew he continued to explore things like trees and jungle gyms.  As a young man, he loves to explore the woods, fly down the road on his long board and push himself to master the practice of Yoga.  I love to hear about his adventures!

Katy was a thrill seeker from day one from the moment that she burst out of me.  She has always been a jumper, diver, tumbler, flyer etc...  From tree climbing, swing jumping, roller coasters, gymnastics, trampolines, diving, etc... She loves the physical thrill of pushing her body and mind to JUMP!

Tomorrow my bundle of energy and nerve turns 18.  When she turned 15 she wanted to skydive.  We said when you're 18.  We figured she would forget or move on.  Sunday morning she is jumping out of a perfectly good plane and SHE CAN'T WAIT!

I will watch from the ground, take pictures, worry about her, cry, and exalt in her complete GLEE.

While there are times during this "launching" period that are really hard for me, I am so excited to see what comes next for my Katy.  I will miss her terribly, and will worry sometimes too.  You can't send a child out into today's world without worrying about something.  BUT, I will look forward to hearing about her adventures and discoveries, her thrills and disappointments.

Tomorrow it all begins in earnest.  Turning 18, jumping out of a plane, launching herself into HER future.

I will hold on tight and enjoy the ride.