Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

being there

Luther College Graduation, May 1990

I've struggled with writing lately. Not sure why other than life is busy and it can be tricky to write about your experience launching your children into the world when they are struggling. I don't want to invade their privacy or share too much. I've dealt with that in the past by writing about my own journey out into the world as an entrepreneur and advocate. Even that has been tricky lately as I'm having my own struggles and am feeling the need to pull back on the sharing.

Last weekend was my 25th College Reunion.  I just felt a wave of nausea as I wrote that, but YES, I have been out of college for 25 years.  I really thought I would know what I was doing "when I grew up" by now, but I guess it's ok to be on a perpetual journey. It was a wonderful weekend shared with my partner in life who is also a Luther grad from the class of '90, but the best part of the weekend was reconnecting with friends I haven't seen.  One particular friend is pictured above and below.

25th College Reunion, Oct. 2015

Annie is one of my life long friends - we've know each other longer now that we didn't.  We met as 18 year old first year students and over the next 4 years, we lived together 2 years, sang together, laughed together, cried together, got drunk together, danced together, grew up together.

After college our paths were different - I dove right into marriage and children along with school and work.  Annie pursued her passion for music, studying and singing around the world.  We connected less often as our lives were so very different.  She got married when I was pregnant with my third child and we laughed that my children would be able to babysit her's.  As she entered the world of motherhood, we re-connected more often.  

Our lives have been busy and we live far apart, so we never see each other or talk as often as we would like.  We are often in different places politically, but our love for each other allows us to agree to disagree when necessary.  It is one of those friendships that can be dormant for weeks or months, but when the opportunity arises, it is like no time has passed.

Reconnecting this past weekend was particularly important as just a few days before Annie was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma.  When she first messaged me that she was having a suspicious lymph node removed and didn't know what the weekend would bring, all I could think about was how could I get to LaCrosse.  How could I be there for her.  There were days of worry about the actual diagnosis and then the severity and prognosis.  During that time my thoughts were with Annie and her husband and her 4 daughters.  The prognosis is excellent, so while the next 4 months will be unpleasant for sure, her Doctor is confident that she will be cured.  

This is when I hate being so far from "home."  I can't just bring a meal over or drive her to a chemo appointment or pick up her girls from a lesson or class.  I can pray and talk and maybe send a donation to help with extra costs, but I can't BE THERE. At least physically.  I can BE THERE in so many ways and when I stop having a pity party because I'm far away I remember that.

This is when the reality of life sets in.  The reality that we are getting older.  Our parents are getting older.  Our friends are getting older.  Each reunion will include more "in memoriams" to classmates who have passed away.  Each one will include more of us with parents who have passed away.  More of us will have struggled with our own illnesses.  

We will also be celebrating the graduations and marriages of our own children.  We will celebrate the births of grandchildren. We will become that next generation. 

I am grateful to have a wonderful life.  I am blessed with a husband I adore, children who are going to change the world, friends who love me (and I love back), an extended family full of amazing people and work that I love.  

It is so easy to get sucked into worrying about the little things, but so important to remember that life is not about the stuff or the money or the details.  It's about the people and the relationships.  It's about make the world a better place.  It's about caring for those who aren't as lucky as we are. It's about connecting and caring and BEING THERE.  Life is about love.

Shining a light on some Mama's

It's Monday morning.  I made my list and now I'm ignoring it.  The need to write and process life is feeling too strong.  I guess just like rules are made to be broken, lists are made to be ignored.

The last few weeks have been filled with sadness ~ four lovely women gone, 3 of them too soon, one gone peacefully.  Riots, violence, Nepal, nastiness in the news.  On and on.  It can overwhelm the heart and soul. I've struggled with blogging, because it has seemed like so much of what's on my mind is dark and heavy.
The sun is shining, life is amazing in so many ways, and yet I'm so sad.  Sometimes a hug, a deep breath, and thinking of someone else is the only thing that can lift me out of darkness.
I'm getting really good at deep breaths after 22 years of being a mama, and I get more hugs in my life than anyone deserves, so it's time to think of someone else.
A post on Facebook inspired me to focus my blogging for now on those who have touched me or my family in special ways. The world spends so much time watching and focusing on the darkness and the violence and I'm tired of it. My focus for a while will be on the amazing people who make my world and my family's world beautiful.

With Mother's Day approaching, I want to shine a light on a few of the many "Mama's" who have shown me the way.
My Mama, Juanita, has taught me so much from the beginning. Always there but never intrusive or overly directive, she taught me how to be present for my children without dominating them.  I remember in Junior High and High School, coming home from school so many times, yelling down the basement to say hello (she would be doing laundry or something!), and then not seeing her until dinner, but I KNEW SHE WAS THERE.  I was a very dramatic, emotional kid and while I'm sure I overwhelmed my Mama at times, she never let it show.  I grew up with a rock.  Even when we made each other nutty, I never doubted that she loved me and was there anytime I needed her.  Hundreds of miles away this still holds true today.  I'm sure that some of my life choices have left her questioning, but for the most part she has trusted me to follow my path and kept her doubts to herself.  As my own children begin forging their paths in the world, I hope I can do the same.
My Mother-in-Law, Noreen, came into my life when I was still so young.  Getting married at 23 felt a little like playing house.  While my MIL is very different from my Mama, she also taught me so much about being a wife and a mother and a woman.  She loved me from the beginning because I loved her son.  She would share her advice and opinions freely, but would support us even when we disagreed.  As someone who is not particularly good at organizing my household and my life, I learned so much over the years about juggling work and family.  I continue to relish my relationship with my MIL and again hope that I will be as gracious and loving to the future life partners of my children as she has been to me.
One more Mama who helped me find my way is my dear friend Julie~  I met Julie in graduate school and while the time we were in close contact was short, just a few years, she continues to be one of those Mama-friends I have thought of often over the years, and on those rare occasions we are able to talk or see each other, the years melt away and it's as if we've never been apart.
What I learned from Julie about being a Mama was how to own my power and my voice.  From pregnancy and birth choices, to breastfeeding, cloth diapering, questioning everything.... she opened my eyes to the power of listening to my body, my babies, and my heart.  She helped me find my voice as a Mama bear and those early lessons of being mama's together shaped so many of the decisions I've made over the past 22 years.  Being a Mama isn't easy and having women around you who trust and value you as a Mama and a woman is an amazing gift.
I hope I have been and will continue to be a guide, friend and support to the many Mama's I cross path's with. The Mama's who have guided me will always be in my heart. Sadly women can be so hard on each other. Finding ways to support and hold up each other regardless of the choices we make as women and mothers would go a long way to strengthening our power and our ability to raise strong healthy children.  Isn't that how we will ultimately make the world a better place?

Being a Creative Entrepreneur...

Having been self-employed for almost 12 years now, I find myself wondering once in a while what it would be like to have a boss who gave me tasks to complete with deadlines and clear instructions of what my "job" is.  There are times when the the idea of having someone tell me what to do and how to do it sounds so appealing!!!
I think that I'm over my current longing for this kind of structure though.  There's a reason I've been self-employed for so long and maybe if I stop fighting it and embrace it I'll figure out what "it" is.  There are huge advantages to being my own boss and from a purely practical standpoint, I've done pretty well while being available to raise my children.
I recently came across a book called "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam.  I'm intrigued by it.  It's a DIY guide to visual journaling as an alternative to the more traditional ways that small businesses are guided.  I've never actually had a "business plan" because any template or guide I've ever found to creating one has been so linear and I'm not a linear thinker.  I'm interested to see how the process she guides the reader through might help me focus my quest for clarity about my purpose in life.
Lately I've been running into, finding time for, crossing paths with,  or otherwise having conversations with a number of women of varying backgrounds and ages, who all seem to be so wise.  I've been thinking about how we as women could be (should be) guides for each other through life.  Women have so much power and so much wisdom, but we don't own it or share it the way we should.   I see posts about parenting choices or overhear conversations about the same and it often seems to be adversarial in nature.  An "If you don't do it my way..." kind of thing.  I get this and I don't.  I understand how it can be difficult to talk about topics as personal as birthing, breastfeeding or not, sleep sharing or not, with someone who disagrees with you.  What I don't get is why can't we "talk" about it?  Why can't it be a conversation instead of an argument?  We just might learn things from each other even if it is only a deeper commitment to the choices we have made because we've had to explain them.
As a woman and a mother of girls, I want to share the wisdom I've gained over the years with my daughters and anyone who wants to hear it.  Keeping the things I've learned including the mistakes I've made to myself seems selfish, but it seems equally narcissistic to think that anyone really cares about my experiences...
"Wise Woman for hire"... I wonder if there is any market for that?

girlfriends

I love having girlfriends.  One of my favorite things about Facebook and the whole crazy world of social media is that it allows me to easily maintain contact with friends from all the ages of my life.  Some of the friends I most enjoy seeing on FB are ones from kindergarten, many years and thousands of miles from here. There are girlfriends from high school, from college, from graduate school, from the early years of parenting, on up through today.  They all offer me different support and challenges and I LOVE them all!

My kindergarten buddy R. was one of the first friends who stuck up for me... Halloween, I'm a flower, some rotten boy comes along and teases me ~ R. steps in and I feel loved and safe.

The friends from H.S. who I have reconnected with were not the ones I spent the most time with when I was there, but they are the ones I should have spent more time with ~ they are fabulous and funny and smart and I love having glimpses into their lives.

My friend A. from college ~ we double dated together, got drunk together, cried together, celebrated together, defended each other, lived together and taught each other some basic cooking skills, were in each others weddings, and despite distance and times of disconnect, will always be dear friends.

My friend J. from graduate school who was my friend and guide around things like finding a way into being a strong woman who could be a professional, but still be "barefoot and pregnant."  We nurtured each other through the early years when we were parenting our babies in ways that were different from the mainstream.  She was at the birth of two of my three children and we can go months, even years without talking with each other and then when we are together, you'd never know we didn't talk everyday.

As my children have grown and I've been in and out of the work/stay at home world, I've struggled with finding a new bff.  Over the years there have been a number of women who have for a time fit that role, but for various reasons we've lost touch.

My current "besties" are funny, smart, of varying ages, opinions and professions.  What I love about all of them is they love me for better or worse.  They are there for me when I need them and they will always hold my hand when asked.

I wonder who will come into my life next?