Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

Happy May Day!

May is here!
May is always a big month for me. There is something about the new babies, flowering trees, warmer temperatures and new energy that gets me going.

May is my birth month. It's the month of Mother's Day and the birth month of child number 2. It feels celebratory and inspiring. It feels validating.

This May will include a series of "lasts." Our last Prom. Our last HS musical production. Our last HS concert. While we are ready to graduate from HS for the last time, I would be totally lying if I said that each of these "lasts" weren't tinged with a little sadness. I want to relish each of them. I want to fully experience them with my child so I can really and truly say goodbye to this chapter of my life.

This month I also dig deeper into creating a new professional path for myself. My Music Together work just gets richer and more satisfying and will continue on. In addition to this work I'm beginning to explore the world of Life Coaching. I'm in the early phase where I'm creating an identity and a focus. Who is my ideal client? What can I teach them? How can I support them? What do I have to offer? Lots of questions to answer! Having a coach to take me through this process is certainly the only way I would actually make it happen, but at times it feels indulgent. I need to own the investment and take full advantage of the opportunities to learn and grow if I am to be successful. I don't have to do it by myself.

While my momentum is building, I'm still finding myself "hiding" in my nest ~ putting off my list of "to-do's" in favor of snuggling with the dogs. Watching netflix with child number 3. I don't quite trust my wings yet. To feel safe I need to build my network of support. Those who will catch me if I fall. Isn't this what parenting is all about?? I feel almost as if I'm 18 again and ready to leap... but not quite.

As parents, we create a "nest" for our young ones. A safe space to learn and grow. Some children can't wait to jump out and others need a little more time to feel safe. Either way, we want them to know that they can always come back if they need to ~ to re-group, re-charge, re-focus.
Sometimes they jump before they are ready ~ we want to catch them when they fall, but some fall too fast.
Sometimes they get stuck and refuse to jump ~ a nudge becomes necessary to get them moving! If they don't trust themselves, we need to help them along by making it clear that WE trust them. We know they have what it takes to create a life for themselves. If we have done our job as parents, they will trust US, take a breath, spread their wings, and fly.
One way or another, our children will grow and go. When that happens it's back to us. Deep sigh.

In less than 6 weeks, Helen will graduate from HS. Both girls will spend the summer working at Camp Calumet in NH as they have before, and then will head to college; one for the first year, and one for the last year. My truly empty nest begins soon.

Here's the thing though. There will always be room in my "nest" for anyone who needs a place to re-group, re-charge, re-focus. Sometimes it will be my children. Sometimes it will be friends. Hopefully it will be future clients. A "nest" isn't just a physical home for me. It is a metaphorical "safe space." A judgement free zone where you don't need to apologize for resting your "wings."

Through the season of new life, new energy and new beginnings, I will be taking time to sink in to my "nest." I will continue to develop my skills and "muscles." I will continue to soak up the "lasts" with Helen and will be available to her as much as I can be to enjoy it all.

In June, she and I will both fly out into the world. 

which path?

I am an anticipator.  I'm always thinking about what's coming next.  I started a blog about emptying the nest at the beginning of a 10 year journey to launch my children.  I start thinking about the "next" project or program before the first one is done.  When I celebrated my 24th birthday I stressed about turning 25.  29, and 39 were tough too.
Being an anticipator fits with my tendency to be an idea person as well.  I HAVE GREAT IDEAS!  What happens with these ideas though is completely dependent on who is around me at the time.  If there are "doers" who are on board, amazing things can happen.  If I'm alone, or not clear that I need "doers" the ideas just sink back down and either re-surface later or disappear.
One idea has repeatedly re-surfaced for the last 20+ years.  I've probably blogged about it before.  Here I go again because it won't leave me alone!
I have imagined an amazing place where children, families, and individuals of all ages could come together to learn and grow using music, movement, theatre, play, and conversation.  I can see it.  I dream about it.  I've taken halting steps to make it a reality.  As soon as it starts to seem like it could happen, I get distracted (or scared) and let it drift away.
Right now I have a choice to make.  I can be brave and move forward in a clear focused way to assemble the people I need to make my vision a reality, or I can thank that same vision for inspiring me for so many years and let it go once and for all.
But which way to go?  There are implications on both sides.  If I move forward, it will mean a lot of work, financial risk, probably some compromise, being very vulnerable and quite possibly failure.  It could also become one of the most amazing experiences of my life and become a place that brings tremendous value to my community and the people in it.
If I say goodbye to it, there is no risk,  life continues as it is. Aside from constantly stressing about finances, my life is pretty amazing, and finances can be worked on to reduce that stress, so not a bad choice. There is the risk of disappointing the people who I've told about my vision, but I've disappointed people before and I'm sure I will again.  After 47 years I'm getting better at not beating myself up for this, but it's still hard. It would also mean that I will never know if my dream of 20 years could have become real.  I will never know what my legacy could have been.
I read this and think it's kind of a no-brainier.
It's just not that simple.  Finances are a stressor and I can't expand my business without resources and financial risk.  I also have a child in High School who is really struggling with some tough issues and who needs her mom to be available.  I'm starting to think about what retirement might actually be like and instead of imagining perpetual boredom, the idea of reading, puttering in the garden and singing sounds lovely.  Do I really want to ramp it all up now?
Maybe there are "doers" reading this who are ready to dive in with me and get to work.  Maybe not.  Maybe you're saying to yourself "sounds good Jane. Have fun with that."  I have a list of doers in my brain.  Maybe you're on it.  Maybe I'll send you a message. Maybe I won't.  If you send me a message I might be more likely to "do" something, even if it's just meet for coffee.
Now it's back to life where the paths diverge.  Which way to go?

An empty nest... for now

This morning marks our first real glimpse at what an empty nest will be like someday.  Yesterday we dropped off Helen for 6 weeks as a CIT at Camp Calumet. We will see her for a few days in the middle at a family reunion, but for all practical purposes our nest is empty.  There are 3 bedrooms upstairs with no one sleeping in them.  Laundry will decrease, clutter will decrease, trips to Target will decrease. Quiet will increase, time will increase, projects will increase. Excuses to not get things done will decrease. Arms and legs twirling through the house will decrease.

MIXED EMOTIONS!

A week or so ago, Helen and I spent an afternoon bickering with each other and then went to see "Inside Out", the latest Pixar film.  Perfect movie for a 16 year old and her Mama to see when they've been fighting.  This latest milestone in her life (and ours) is full of mixed emotions ~
Joy! 
Spending a summer at Camp Calumet is something I wish everyone could do!  It is truly one of the most amazing places on the planet - For the past 15 years my family has been a part of this beautiful, loving community and I will forever be grateful that my children have had the benefit of being exposed to a place where love and acceptance is truly practiced 24/7.  It is not a perfect place, but in my experience it is as close as one can come to it.
Sadness... 
My youngest child's journey into the world is ramping up.  For both Andy and Katy, it seemed that beginning with their "trainee" summer, everything just moved faster and faster.  While I didn't want to hold them back I did sometimes want to "freeze" things for just a moment.  Like her brother and sister, Helen is more than capable of holding her own. Like them, she often seems to function better (or in a more adult like manner) when she is away from us. This is how it should be. I know this. I studied it in grad school. I'm still feeling a little sad that another chapter is beginning to wrap up.
Fear.
This has not been an easy year for my youngest.  She has struggled with anxiety that has manifested itself in all kinds of physical discomforts - headaches, nausea, the works. Changes in diet, vitamins, sleep habits etc. have all helped, and she is doing better overall, but knowing that I am 4 hours away makes me a little fearful.  I fear that she will give up on herself.  I fear that she won't trust those around her to help her. I fear that she'll be just fine and not need me (that's a hard one to admit!).

MIXED EMOTIONS!

I'm excited to have time to really dig into some of my own work without interruptions! I am excited to have time to enjoy my partner in crime and very best friend/husband/love of my life.  I'm aware that 6 weeks is really pretty short in the grand scheme of things, and it's not really 6 weeks. 3 of those weeks I'll be working hard, the next week I'll be singing with my Dad and my sisters at our own camp followed by a family reunion. 1 more week to get my act together then I will join my girls at Calumet on staff for 2 weeks.
It is still more time than we've ever had where we are only responsible for ourselves. I don't want to waste it!  Time to make a list and enjoy the "rehearsal" as the final production is only a few years away...

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

It will never be the same... and that's good.

I was so excited for Katy to get home last weekend after her first year at Luther College in Decorah, IA!  She has had such a great year and is turning into the confident, amazing young woman we always knew she would.
I forgot that when they come home they become their younger selves😏  I still do this when I return to my parents home in MN- while I'm 47, I find myself lounging on the couch and feeling a little like the teenager I was when I left home for college almost 30 years ago!  Andy did it when he came home after his first year.  Why did it surprise me this time?  I should have been more than ready!
We've shared texts, phone calls, messages of all sorts, and have increasingly become friends ~ this doesn't mean that I'm not still mom and she's still not my child though.

That first year out they stretch their legs and experience life without having to report in or follow someone else's rules and requests.  It's AWESOME!  They handle their own mistakes and figure out how to negotiate the world (at least a small piece of it!). Then, they come home.
There are house rules, there are shared chores, there are expectations and demands.  Ugh.  I wouldn't want to come home either!  It's not quite that bad, but there is negotiating that needs to happen and give and take on both sides.  Young people returning home need to realize that when you live with any group of people there are rules and norms and the ones at your family's home are different than those in a dorm.  Parents need to realize that their child is not a child any longer and to impose the rules and expectations of High School won't work.  Renegotiating how to live together is important and will help all members of the family enjoy the short time together.
Now if we figure all that out, I'll let you know!

We just celebrated her 19th birthday yesterday.  The weekend was super busy, so the best we could manage was a delicious dinner and cake with the family ~ Andy came home and our neighbors/family came to join us.  It was a day of up and down for my girl - she's excited and happy to be home, but misses her friends and "new" home terribly.  Along with that comes that angst that we will be hurt if she tells us that while she loves us more than anything, she'd really rather be with her friends.  Again, that's as it should be.
This whole process of growing up is about moving out and creating a life for yourself.  While I don't mean to imply that I don't want to see my children and have a connection to them while they create this life for themselves, I want them to know that I'll be fine.

When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with the "Little House On the Prairie" books.  One of my earliest memories as a reader was reading "Little House In the Big Woods" and trying to wrap my brain around the idea that when they left the big woods they would most likely never see their grandparents again.  When you moved away, you MOVED AWAY.
In today's world of transportation and communications, it is easy to stay connected and in someways too easy.  I look around and see a lot of pressure to BE TOGETHER.  Again, I hope that I will always be a part of my children's lives, but I want them to follow their path wherever it takes them.  They need to live THEIR life, not mine.  Was it strange last Christmas when Katy was away from us? YES! Was it fine? YES.  She was having an experience and that's awesome!  As Andy considers his options for the future now that college is finished, some of those options might take him far away from us.  Is that a little sad for us? YES! Is it fine though? YES!

I want our children to remain connected to us because they love us and want to have a relationship with us, NOT because they feel obligated or required to.  While I am sometimes nostalgic for the past and thoroughly enjoy loving up other people's babies, I'm excited for the future! My children will have interesting, wonderful lives and Jeff and I will move onto the next phase of ours ~ that's the piece that really makes it exciting!  After a lifetime together, we are really just getting started!  We like each other more than ever and dream of the adventures WE will have and the life that WE will live as our children pursue their life journey.

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

moving right along...

The "firsts" and the "lasts" are so bittersweet!  When my oldest went to kindergarten I was a little sad, but mostly excited for the new adventures to come!  When my youngest went to kindergarten, I was excited for the adventures, but sad that my days with "babies" were coming to an end.

When my oldest started High School, I realized that for the next decade we would have one or two kids in high school.  It seemed like a really long time, but all of a sudden, my youngest is halfway through her Sophomore year.

When my oldest turned 16 I couldn't believe it!  I was so excited and ready for the 3rd driver and the end of the sullen early teens :-)  Today my youngest turns 16 and once again, I'm excited for the young woman she is becoming, but my heart is sad to say goodbye to my sweet little girl.

Thoughts for Helen -

     * Enjoy the ride!
     * Don't sweat the small stuff (and most of it is small stuff)
     * Listen to those around you and then make your own decisions
     * Don't worry about your parents - we'll be just fine
     * Be sure to care for others, but don't forget to care for yourself as well
     * Listen to you "gut"
     * Pray, play and laugh
     * Don't forget what it's like to be a child while you are busy becoming a grown up.

Thoughts for those of you with little ones -

     * Pay attention!  Time really does fly by ~
     * Don't hover - our children really do need to make their own mistakes
     * Just because you love them doesn't mean you'll like them all the time - forgive yourself
     * Give them the gift of allowing them to become their own true self.
     * Make sure they learn how to take care of themselves.  Even the littlest children can help!
     * Don't rescue them too quickly, but be ready to catch them if they fall.
     * You can NEVER love them too much, but you can smother them.  DON'T

This summer Helen is planning to be a CIT in New Hampshire at Camp Calumet.  When my oldest spent his first summer in New Hampshire, it was the beginning of the emptying of the nest.  This summer will be quiet for sure and I will miss her terribly, but as long as all of my children know they always have a "nest" to come back to I'm ok with that.  It's time.

dreaming...

For 20+ years I've imagined a place where children and families come together to learn, grow, play, have fun, make music etc... Over that time it's taken different forms, starting as a space with more of a therapeutic tone and evolving to be more of a community of like minded folks making music, playing and learning from each other.

The dream percolates for a few months and then fades away.  Every 4-5 years it has re-surfaced in a slightly revised form, but each time, it has faded back into the woodwork.

When I began my work with Music Together, the element of music and play began to take more of the focus.  I opened a storefront in Tolland and dove in!  For three years I continued teaching Music Together and explored various other ways of using my little space - drum circles, family events, workshops, theatre classes etc.. All were fun, none were consistent.  After 3 years I decided I couldn't commit to the overhead any longer as I had "failed" to see my dream come true.

Looking back, I know I didn't "fail" so much as I made life choices that made it clear the time was not right.  I wanted to be around for my children, I loved teaching more than "managing" and I didn't really care about anything besides Music Together so why not just do that?  I decided that while the dream was lovely, I didn't want it enough (or have the skills needed) to make it happen, so I pushed it away and moved on.

Several years passed and I happily taught in a number of spaces, but that gets old ~ getting in the car and having to remember where I was going on any given day taxed my attention challenged brain.  Then, along came a charming toy store with a lovely event room! At Kiddy Korner I was able to teach as many classes as I could fill.  I had storage, I had people to chat with between classes.  I had the best of both worlds!  A central location where I could offer as much as I wanted, without the risk of overhead etc... I paid my "rent" when I used the space and didn't even have to clean the bathroom!

2 years passed though and the toy store closed ~ tough business in any town, but especially in a little town.  I couldn't go back to being an itinerate music teacher and the dream bubbled up again.  Maybe this time, with more experience and business savvy, I could bring my place to life!  Well-negotiated rent, cute space, awesome signage~  back into business.

Here we are now, 2 and a half years in and I could be thinking that while classes are going well, I'm still on my own and that's not what I want.  Maybe when my lease is up, I should close up and go back to traveling or maybe get a grown up job.  This should be the time that the dream melts back into the background again.

Instead of melting though it's bubbling furiously!  Imagine a space in the center of town that would be part music/arts studio with Music Together, private lessons, arts classes of all sorts, movement and yoga classes and part coffee shop/juice bar/gathering place?  Imagine a comfy space that could be used by moms and dads in the mornings with little ones, to gather to talk and play and learn.  The same space could be used for gathering after school for homework, tutoring, lessons, or just hanging out by students.  The SAME space could evolve in the evenings to hold mtgs, host open stage evenings or private events.  I'm dreaming day and night of this magical community but what holds me back is fear.  Fear that I'll fail.  Fear that I can't do it.  Fear that while I think it's a brilliant idea, I'll dive in, open the doors and NO ONE WILL COME.

I don't often ask for feedback on this blog, but here's what I want to know.  Can you see it too?  Do you want to be a part of it?  Would you come?  Would you bring your friends?  Maybe if it becomes not just MY dream, but the dream of a group of people, it won't be so scary.  Maybe this time the dream will bubble up into something truly delicious and amazing.

feeling the world's sadness...

The whirlwind that is Spring with a H.S. Senior has finally wound down.  I brought Kate to Camp Calumet to work for the summer last Thursday and the house is settling into a new routine.  My niece Julia is here through the end of July and we've named her our transitional object.  She has a lovely presence about her and makes it very hard to be mopey!
There have been plenty of reasons to be blue lately... All the goodbyes over the last 2 weeks, coupled with the tragic death of a local Ellington boy, is enough to make anyone cry.  On top of that my daughter and niece and I went to see "The Fault in our Stars".  WEEPFEST.  I got a little teary but did not cry.  I expected to weep, but I didn't.

So why have I been so dry-eyed?  The older I get and the more sadness I see, the less I cry.  Especially about other people's grief.  I got teary at graduation and when dropping Katy off at Camp. I will miss her terribly and am incredibly proud of her at the same time.  Both things that make me cry.
A graduate of our H.S. in the class of 2013 was killed last week in a tragic ATV accident.  I didn't know him, but from friends and social media, I know I would have liked him.  He was an athlete, student, all around good kid. Well loved by many.  But I didn't know him.  His Mom was one of my daughter's favorite middle school teachers, but I just know her from a local committee we are on.  My heart aches for her, her husband and their other three children.  But their grief is not mine.  I felt like I should go to the local vigil, wake or funeral, but could not bring myself to go.  I prayed for them privately and offered my support to a friend who knew the boy, but I could not grieve.  His death is tragic, but their grief is not mine.
Watching the movie, I felt so sad for the characters.  It is a tragic story.  Kids, cancer, young love.... who wouldn't weep?????  me.
With the explosion of social media, the private grief of so many has become public.  We collectively mourn every time there is a shooting or when a "famous" somebody passes away.  I remember when Princess Diana was killed and the overwhelming outpouring of grief from the world seemed both touching and exploitive at the same time.
Since then, it seems that the thing to do is to take on the grief out in the world and own it.  We take it over and weep for people we have never known.  As I re-read this I feel a little cold and hard-hearted, but I don't intend it that way.  How we all deal with grief and tragedy is by nature personal.  This is not intended as a judgment on those who would outwardly grieve with and for others.  I just find myself stepping further and further away.
My first career a million years ago was as a therapist.  Therapists are trained to listen and guide.  We we're taught to maintain a level of distance because it wasn't our job to take on our clients "stuff".  I was a sponge!  I would soak it up and then come home and squeeze it out all over my sweet young family.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't keep myself from taking on other peoples pain.  A few years ago, seeing "The fault in our Stars" would have dissolved me into a puddle.  What has happened to my heart??
Perhaps as I get older and see and hear about more and more tragedy and grief in the world, I have to protect my heart so I don't get consumed by the sadness.  Maybe my role is once again to listen and support and pray.  To be with others when they need me.  To be an observer rather than participant.

maybe that's enough.

I will always be their mama

 Time is flying by way too fast for me ~  Almost a month has passed since I last wrote and it's a blur.  So much to process and think about and no idea where to start.
The pictures are of me and my chicks with the Mother's Day tree they planted for me many years ago.  Someday I'll find pics from the past
years to show how they have all grown - the chicks and the tree.  I'm the only constant.  I hope that is how my children see me - as a constant in their life.

I know change is inevitable and in fact IS the only constant in life.  When they were babies and toddlers, one of my mantra's (compliments of my sister Mary) was "This too shall pass."  When they were up all night, or having tantrums or getting into messes, I would repeat "This too shall pass." Over and over and over again.  It always worked.

Children are by nature, creatures of change.  They grow and experiment and adapt and test and practice.  Their whole

focus in life is to try out the world and figure out where they fit.  There are times when I wish more grown ups would stay with this way of being.
We get stuck in ruts and obsess about doing things certain ways.  My general way of being is more like a child.  I'm inconsistent and unpredictable.  I start "plans" and get bored quickly.  I try out new strategies and then discover there are other ones out there.  Even I get stuck.  I want some things to stay the same.
When my chicks were small, it was the frustrating annoying things that I wanted to "pass" and they did.  Now the very things I want to stay the same are the ones that are changing.  Everything changes.

Life is about change.

I love watching my chicks grow.  I love watching them turn into amazing people.  I know that they will change the world for the better.  While very little about me stays they same, I want to continue to be their "constant".  I will always be their mama.  Like my sweet Mother's Day tree, I want to be strong and beautiful.  I want to be available to them whenever they need me.  Life is about change.  Our relationships will change and evolve as they have from the moment I gave birth to them, but I will always be their mama.

Two months to go...

This past week my husband and I had a rare 3 days home alone.  The girls were both away on a three day trip with their school drama club and we had a chance to imagine life with an empty nest.  It is not often that they are both gone at the same time for several days.  At first we relished the quiet and the calm.  We joked about our "glimpse into the future."  We are best friends and know that life together once our children have launched will be wonderful.  We will miss them, but we are looking forward to what our next chapter will bring.
By the third day I was reminded that I'm not ready for this chapter to be over yet though!  I missed their crazy energy and their endless chatter.  I missed their smiles, hugs and kisses.  I missed their presence.

I haven't been inclined to write much lately ~ life has been busy with kids, work, Jeff's knee replacement the end of March, etc...  I've had endless excuses not to sit down and write.  I'm pretty sure the only reason I haven't actually managed to write is that this is when I pause and really think about how quickly life is moving.  The next chapter is coming and I need to make sure that I'm not skimming the pages of the current one.  It's too easy to just glance a page and turn it.  I want to re-read some over and over again, but don't always take the time to do it.

Two months...

My middle child graduates from high school in less that 2 months.  The next 2 months are full of adventures: college registration, prom, concerts, banquets, awards ceremonies etc...  They will go so fast and I don't want to miss a minute.

Two months from tomorrow I will bring her to New Hampshire to our beloved Camp Calumet where she will spend the summer working as a Camp Counselor.  There is no place she would rather be... except maybe the next chapter of her story ~ Luther College.
After 2 months in New Hampshire we will bring her across 1/2 the country to our beloved Decorah, IA and leave her at one of the best places in the world.  We will leave her there and return home.  Life will never be the same.  She takes over her story and we will do our best to read along.  We can't read ahead because those chapters haven't been written yet.  There will be drama and grief, joy and pain, love and adventure.  That's the kind of girl she is.  I will be as close as a text message or a phone call, but will be too far to hold her hand.  I will have to be satisfied that I will hold her heart as I have for the past 18 years.

2 months is a blink of an eye.  So is 18 years.

so it begins...

This weekend was the beginning for me.  A recognition that Katy is really heading to college next year; a long way from home.  A REALLY long way from home.  It seems like Andy just got back from his "Luther" visit in January of 2011.  Somehow we've sped to 2014, and while Andy decided against Luther, Katy is more sure than ever that it is the place for her.

I can't disagree and I'm sure I will blog numerous times about the merits of my Alma Mater, but today is about the recognition that the next 8 months are going to fly by.  If I'm really honest, it's only 5 and a half months before she heads out of "the nest," first to Calumet and then Luther.

The first time around (launching Andy), I was weepy from January on as I prepared myself, prematurely, to send my firstborn out into the world.  By the time he actually graduated and headed off to work at Calumet for the summer and then into his dorm at UConn, I was alright.  Granted he was 30 minutes down the road.  We don't see much of him, but just knowing that if he needed us or we needed him, we could get him home in a matter of a lunch break, has made it easier than I expected.  In fact, sometimes it's hard to believe he is halfway through his 3rd year!

This weekend when Katy was at Luther, I remembered how very far away it is.  While we have family and friends nearby who will step in if she ever needs "family", visits from us will be few and far between, and I will mostly be able to "be there" via phone and internet.  I won't be able to just drive over after work and take her out for lunch, or pick her up for a quick visit home.

I have no doubt that she is up to the challenge ~ She is far more independent than I remember being when I went off to college.  She has connected already with professors, coaches, peers, and admissions counselors with no prompting or guidance from us.  She knows where she wants to be and what she wants to do when she gets there.  The only tricky part will be making choices about how she spends her time.

I'm not sad yet.  We have months to go and I know that some of that time will be spent with her pushing us away; it's how it works.  I'll be ready to send her off when it's time.

I'm envious of the experiences she has yet to have and while you couldn't pay me enough to revisit middle school or high school for a minute, I would go back to college any day!

Like her brother, she is growing into an amazing, passionate, thoughtful young person with the potential to change the world for the better.  I'm looking forward to following her journey.

It's not my life.

Lots of time over vacation to think about my children growing up and away.  This was our first vacation with just Helen.  Both big kids had already been in New Hampshire working - Andrew for 2 months, Katy for 3 weeks.  Both had opted to pass on a family reunion to stay and work with "their kids."  I knew I would miss them, but was proud that they made their own decisions and felt committed enough to their work to pass on a week of sun and fun with no responsibility.

July 4th as we were preparing to leave the next morning, we hear from Andrew that he is coming home.  He was in the "wrong place at the wrong time," and the camp policy is clear, so his time at Calumet for this summer ended suddenly.  He was devastated, but handled himself maturely, accepting responsibility, acknowledging that he needed to move forward and make the best of the rest of the summer.  He didn't place blame or cop an attitude.  He accepted how his life would change for the next few months, packed up and came home.

I was so upset!  Angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated and judgemental.  I left him a list of jobs to do while he was home and headed off on vacation.  I figured while I was away I would cool down.  I did until I heard from Katy who was devastated that her brother had left camp.  Two nights in a row I got late night calls from a tearful girl who had "lost her rock" and didn't think she could stay.  Two days I got mad all over again and worried that we would have to trek from Ohio to pick her up in New Hampshire.  Finally one night I said, if he's your rock, call him!  His response to her?  You have lots of "rocks" at camp.  Find them.  You'll be ok.  So far, he's been right.

We got home from vacation to find a house in relatively decent shape, a happy dog, and dinner cooking.  Why was I so pissed??  I couldn't bring myself to look at my handsome boy. I was so angry all over again.

Over the course of the night, I finally opened the conversation and heard the details of what had happened and truth be told, I've done worse in my youth.  It truly was a wrong place wrong time situation.  He's also the wrong age with many friends who are the "right" age which can make socializing sometimes tricky.  He was clear that what was done was done, but was not going to accept my trying to make it worse than it really was.

That night, all I could think was that my feelings about the whole situation were in many ways out of line.  As a parent is it reasonable for me to be angry and disappointed when my child messes up?  I suppose.  But if he was handling it maturely and moving on, what was my problem?  This wasn't about me, so why did it feel so personal?

It's not my life.  As parents we can get sucked into both taking too much credit for the good things our kids do and too much blame and guilt for the stupid things they do.  A friend of mine told me that by the time a child is 5, much of what you can teach them about life and how to handle it is learned.  From then on it's about gradually loosening the boundaries and sending them off to test the waters.  This includes making mistakes.  If we want them to truly learn from mistakes, we can't take responsibility for them.  If we want them to truly feel good about what they do well, we can't take credit for it either.

It's not my life.  I can't decide the path my children take.  I can hope that we have taught them what they need to know about making choices and accepting responsibility.  I can hope that find a path that leads them to a good life that makes the world a better place.  I must love and cherish them no matter what direction they go ~ they are my children, but their lives are their own to live.

guests

I'm thankful for so many things.  The five seats at the table represent my nuclear family - the one Jeff and I created together.  Each chair holds someone so very special to me.  This year, it was just us at the table.  I don't think that has ever happened before.  We've always hosted guests or traveled and been guests.  I was afraid it might feel "unspecial." It was lovely.
We, meaning Jeff and I, spend a lot of time focusing out into the world.  The work we do, both paid and volunteer, the social networks we are connected to.  We sometimes forget that in the meantime, the very important people who live in our house are leaving soon as they are really only guests in a way too.  At some point, they will leave.  I want to make sure that they have felt as loved and cared for as we try to make our more short-term guests feel.
Loving and nurturing at that same time you need to guide and shape can be so tricky.  I want my children to always know that no matter what, they are my greatest loves.  I will not always agree with them, I will not always like them, I will not always pick them up when they fall.  But I will ALWAYS love them and be there to hold their hand as they pick themselves up.

When a mother hen gathers her chicks...

I know that there is not much that is rational about this, but my obsession during this crazy Hurricane Sandy is that I want all my chicks home in my nest!
Last night before the wind even began to blow, I couldn't sleep because Katy wasn't home (safely at the neighbors) and Andrew wasn't home (safely in his dorm at UConn).  I knew they were safe, but they weren't with me and when I worry about issues of safety, I want them near.  If I can't control the world around them, I at least want to control the walls around them.

As they get older I have less and less control over the choices they make and the things they do, and the places they choose to be.  They'll travel to many places I've only dreamed about and I'll be so excited for them and so proud of their adventurous, confident spirits.  I'll also sleep better when they are "home".

I hope they have enough common sense to make good choices when they face the inevitable storms of life.   I think they do.  You never know.

The wind is howling outside, but we are safe in our solid house that has stood through storms for over 170 years.  I'm pretty sure it will withstand the current one.  My girls are both home with Jeff and me and as far as I know Andrew is safely in his Dorm.  I have little to worry about.  We have food and shelter and lots of love.

I'll still sleep better when the winds quiet down and they are all home under my roof where I can wrap my arms around them and keep them safe for a moment.

Being a Creative Entrepreneur...

Having been self-employed for almost 12 years now, I find myself wondering once in a while what it would be like to have a boss who gave me tasks to complete with deadlines and clear instructions of what my "job" is.  There are times when the the idea of having someone tell me what to do and how to do it sounds so appealing!!!
I think that I'm over my current longing for this kind of structure though.  There's a reason I've been self-employed for so long and maybe if I stop fighting it and embrace it I'll figure out what "it" is.  There are huge advantages to being my own boss and from a purely practical standpoint, I've done pretty well while being available to raise my children.
I recently came across a book called "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam.  I'm intrigued by it.  It's a DIY guide to visual journaling as an alternative to the more traditional ways that small businesses are guided.  I've never actually had a "business plan" because any template or guide I've ever found to creating one has been so linear and I'm not a linear thinker.  I'm interested to see how the process she guides the reader through might help me focus my quest for clarity about my purpose in life.
Lately I've been running into, finding time for, crossing paths with,  or otherwise having conversations with a number of women of varying backgrounds and ages, who all seem to be so wise.  I've been thinking about how we as women could be (should be) guides for each other through life.  Women have so much power and so much wisdom, but we don't own it or share it the way we should.   I see posts about parenting choices or overhear conversations about the same and it often seems to be adversarial in nature.  An "If you don't do it my way..." kind of thing.  I get this and I don't.  I understand how it can be difficult to talk about topics as personal as birthing, breastfeeding or not, sleep sharing or not, with someone who disagrees with you.  What I don't get is why can't we "talk" about it?  Why can't it be a conversation instead of an argument?  We just might learn things from each other even if it is only a deeper commitment to the choices we have made because we've had to explain them.
As a woman and a mother of girls, I want to share the wisdom I've gained over the years with my daughters and anyone who wants to hear it.  Keeping the things I've learned including the mistakes I've made to myself seems selfish, but it seems equally narcissistic to think that anyone really cares about my experiences...
"Wise Woman for hire"... I wonder if there is any market for that?

true confessions

Now that I've started writing, I have a lot to say ~ not sure if that's good or not, but I guess it's your choice to read it or not.
I started my grown up life as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I decided rquickly that it wasn't the right job for me. I was like a sponge soaking in people's pain and hate and misery and then I'd go home and squeeze it all over my sweet husband. He would patiently clean up the mess and then we'd move on.
Youth Services was a better fit ~ a balance of time with families and positive youth development work. Thought I just might have found my calling! Then baby number 3 came along and it just didn't work anymore.
After 6 years juggling babies and career, I was diving into being a SAHM (stay at home mom). I think it lasted for 6 months before I was planning my next career.
Fell into a teacher training for Music Together and thought "this will be fun for a few years!"
When I celebrated 10 years of teaching MT, I thought "I HAVE found my calling!"
Until the next week when I started to think, "What's next? I should be doing more. I want to do more."
So then, I apply to the PhD program at UConn where I did my Master's work. Whoo hoo!! Back to academia; I'll be a professor by the time Helen graduates High School!
Only, there were more qualified candidates and my application was rejected. Crap.

I love my work, I love my family, and I'm ridiculously blessed to be able to live the life I live.
Why do I always want more?