From nice to nasty...

"I'm not nice, I'm not good, I'm just right..."  

 the Witch    "Into the Woods"

When I was small, I wanted to be liked. I wanted people to think I was nice and smart and pretty. I wanted to be popular. The focus of many things I did was to please others. My biggest fear? Disappointing my parents. My next biggest fear? Making anyone (other than my siblings!) mad at me. In school I followed directions, followed the rules, followed the crowd. When the popular girls got Guess jeans, I had to get Guess jeans. When they cut their hair like Farrah Fawcett, I cut my hair like Farrah Fawcett. The only reason I didn't follow the crowd when they made questionable but typical choices for HS students like drinking or smoking pot, was because of my biggest fear. Remember? Disappointing my parents.

Lately, the Stephen Sondheim musical "Into the Woods" has been running through my head on an endless loop. When I was young I would have been Cinderella - nice. Unwilling to make waves or even make a decision because it might be the wrong one. Like so many girls, I thought I needed to be nice and pretty first, smart second. The influences of the world can be huge when you are a child - you listen to everything. Today with the internet and social media it is exponentially harder to not hear and be influenced by "the world." 

As I grew there were times when something didn't seem right and I began to experiment with pushing back and questioning what I was hearing and seeing. A Liberal Arts education opened my world a little bit to one where perhaps there were more important things than being nice and pretty. I began to form my own opinions on topics of importance. Reproductive rights, education, politics, religion. I still resisted speaking out too loudly except for with a small group of trusted friends, but in my head and heart, a passion for equality and social justice was starting to burn.

When I became a mother at 25, I tested the waters as an advocate. The hormones that raged through me as I nurtured and gave birth to my first born pushed me to question hospital protocol that seemed contrary to all I had read and learned about childbirth. I formulated a birth plan that helped my husband and best friend protect me from procedures I didn't want. I didn't push too hard though as I still didn't want to make anyone mad or upset with me. I questioned some of my carefully researched plan and ended up medicated and feeling like I'd failed. Looking back, it was clear that the only thing that kept me from a C-Section was that plan and being able to point to it to protect myself and my child from procedures that had no merit, but at the time I felt like I'd failed.

When my child was born, I took a step away from "nice." As I held his warm body in my arms I felt the first stirring of the mama bear in me who would do ANYTHING to protect my child. No nursery, no circumcision, no formula or water - he would have only the nourishment I could provide and he would stay with me. When despite difficulty and pain, my little one had gained a pound in a week from the milk I provided, my confidence in myself grew exponentially. Not only did I grow this magical being in my womb, I was now capable of providing all he needed to grow and develop - so powerful!

The Baker's Wife in the musical is much more ambiguous than Cinderella. She is flawed and bossy. She will do anything to have the child she desires. She is the first to indicate that the "end justifies the beans (means)." He ambition to have a child and live a bigger life than she has hurts those she loves, but at the same time she would and does give her life for them. As a young mother I was still uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing, angering or hurting others, but with a child to protect and care for, my priorities began to shift. I began to work more earnestly at finding ways to advocate for what I believed in while keeping the peace in relationships when I could. 

At the same time I was mothering, I began work as a therapist and youth advocate - my voice for justice became louder and more confident around issues that affected children and families. My desire to do this work while continuing to be "nice" took a toll on me and my family as I held it together in the world then came home and "let it all out." Like the Baker's Wife I was critical of my husband and would pick fights and make demands. Like the Baker, my husband loved me and support me anyways.

Child number two came along and having gained confidence in my body and my intuition and knowledge, I took control of her birth. I found caregivers who respected and support me and when she burst into the world, my arms were the first ones she knew. She was a mighty little being and her demands to be cared for while exhausting, pushed me to be focused and to trust her needs and my ability to meet them. Upon her entry to this world, I felt strong and powerful! "I am woman, hear me roar!" 

Over the next 20 years, another child arrived and choices were made around work and family that were not what I imagined when I was in college and pictured a career saving the world, but they were choices that made sense and taught me much about love and priorities. These 20 years continued to be filled with challenges that pushed me to think less about being "nice." Raising 3 children with varying temperaments and needs led me to challenge so many systems and protocols that made no sense. We researched vaccinations and chose a Doctor who respected us and worked to vaccinate our children in a way that made sense to us rather than insisting that we follow a schedule that we were uncomfortable with. When our second child, as an infant, refused to be cared for by anyone other than me, I proposed a schedule to my employer that allowed me to bring her with me to work until she was 9 months old. When our first became increasingly unhappy in school, we opted to pull him out and homeschool him for a year until we found a school that better fit his style of learning. 

When our second child lost herself during her Jr. year of High School and was hospitalized, we stood outside the doors of the locked psych ward and refused to leave without her. We trusted our intuition that her needs would be better met with caregivers we found outside. We signed the form they gave us saying we were taking her against medical advice and never looked back. She rediscovered herself with much support and continued her journey to becoming the amazing young woman she is.

When our third child followed her sister and lost her way Jr. year, we dug in, did the work, pushed those in her wider world to give her the support and care she needed to find her path once again. 

For many years my children pushed me to question my need to please. While I wanted them to do things because "that's how it's done," they made me ask why. When my little boy said "why do I have to keep doing these worksheets when I already know how to solve the problems?" I couldn't answer him any longer. When my infant declared loudly that she would stay with no one but me, she pushed me to create a new reality where my family and my work made sense. When the powers that be said they knew my children better than I did, my CHILDREN made me question everything. "Just because," or "because I said so" or "because that's the rule," were not acceptable answers.  

My youngest is months away from leaving the nest. All three of them are on paths of their own choosing. They are thoughtful, smart, caring, compassionate people who refuse to do things just because it's the rule or because someone told them to. I don't agree with them on all their choices, but they have learned to present their arguments and they push me to challenge my preconceived notions of life. While I thought I was teaching them to be "nice," the life they pushed me to live "showed" them that being "nice" and being "good" are not always the same thing nor are they the same as being "right."  

Over the last several months in particular, all they have taught me has begun to push me out of the nest. The election of 2016 and the inauguration of someone who is bent on destroying all that is good in this country has propelled me to stand up and speak out. There have been those who have suggested I am no longer "nice." I've begun to take that as a sign of strength. When "good" is on the line, "nice" is no longer enough. The witch sings "I'm not nice, I'm not good, I'm just right." She is the one who challenges the world and all it's flaws. She is the one who reminds us that it is not what we say, but what we do that children are learning from. They are watching and listening.  

"Careful the things you say, children will listen. Careful the things you do children will learn..." 

In these precarious times, I've decided I would rather be "nasty" than "nice" if I must choose. I would rather be on the "right" side of history. If being "nice" means sitting by and watching as evil begins to take over our world, I won't do it. I no longer care if my growing passion for activism pushes some to "dislike" me because I speak out. I want my children to see me walking the walk and talking the talk. They have taught me that while compassion and empathy are critical, just being "nice" is not enough. When I started my journey from "nice girl" to "nasty woman" I didn't want to disappoint my parents - this still holds true. What pushed me to own and proudly accept the title "Nasty Woman" is that now, I don't want to disappoint my children. 

Yesterday my son called me "fierce." 

The children were nestled...

My children are home all snug in their beds...

I wish visions of sugarplums were all that were in their heads. With children transitioning to adulthood, the visions in their heads are not something I can control (not that I could before!) or ever know. Sometimes they share their dreams with me, but not often.
The world they are going out into is in some ways no different than the world I launched into in 1990,  in other ways, very different. In some ways better, in some ways worse.

When I was in college, I travelled to the USSR - the next year the Berlin Wall came down and we rejoiced that the Cold War was ending. Since then the fear of nuclear war has been way back in my mind as something of the past. We had evolved past that as a global society. Now I fear the incoming administration will plunge us back into not only an arms race, but WWIII. I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

When I was in college, there was drinking, smoking, pot, and other drugs being used. Heroin was something mysterious and only being used by junkies in cities. Now a generation of young people are dying. My son and his friends are mourning the loss of one of their own just a week or so ago. TOO MANY. Every week I hear a friend of a friend, or the brother or sister of a friend has died from an OD... my heart aches.

When I was in college, I was pretty oblivious to politics. I voted, but mostly because my parents had instilled a sense of responsibility in me. That's just what you do. For the most part I trusted that the leaders I voted for were good people who wanted the best for our nation. My perspective was to get through the elections and then even if I wasn't thrilled with the result, I felt I needed to give them a chance. I don't remember ever being afraid after an election, that those who were in power were going to destroy us. I never felt compelled to write letters, send e-mails, make phone calls, or march in protest. Now, I've done almost all of those. I'm going to a march in NYC on January 21st. If there is a silver lining to this horror show of an election, it is the number of people who have NEVER been politically active, who are now stepping up. My children are far more engaged and informed than I ever was. They are prepared to stand up and be counted. To stop the forces that would take the progress of the last 50 years and stomp on it.

When I was in college, I knew gay people. I had friends who were gay, I sang with people who were gay. While I don't remember ever thinking there was anything wrong with being gay, I would never have envisioned the progress we've made around marriage equality. The beautiful families I see headed by two moms or two dads were not anything I knew growing up. For my children? It's a part of the many ways that families are created. We still have such a long ways to go as a country, but we were making great progress, not just around acceptance of sexual orientation, but around protecting the rights and well being of ALL of us regardless of sexual orientation, gender, race, religion, immigration status...

Now, there are horrible things happening more and more - the incoming administration has unleashed a flood of UGLY. Never in my lifetime did I every fear that in 2016, swastika's would be showing up on playgrounds and in schools. On that trip to the USSR, we also visited Hungary, Estonia, and Poland. We spent time in Auschwitz Concentration Camp - we saw the horror that can be unleashed.
Now, I wear a safety pin everyday not only to signal that I am "safe," to those who may feel fear, but to remind myself that I must be ready to STAND UP. To remind myself that I can't look away from the hate. I must face it with strength and love.

My children are entering adulthood at a time when as a global community we are teetering on the brink. We could move forward into a world that supports and embraces all that is beautiful and diverse and AMAZING, or we could plunge backwards into a world that fears anything "different."

When it is dark and cold and my seasonal fight with depression rears it's ugly head, I truly fear for the future of our nation and our world.

When I look at my children and their friends, and the faces of the children I sing and dance with every day, I know in my heart that the ugliness that is out there is a LAST GASP. Those who are afraid of change and progress and different, are in the minority. Those who believe that what makes our world so amazing is the very diversity that makes up not just our nation, but the planet earth, are in the majority. We are growing and we are learning to speak out and stand up.

May 2017 be a year when love and kindness triumphs over hate and meanness. May it be a year when we demand that those in charge of our precious world LISTEN. May it be a year when we listen to each other and find common ground in our desire to live peace-filled, loving lives. 

Bring the light

I hate the dark. Every year I am stunned by how strongly my mood and energy are affected by the shortening days. I take my anti-depressant, my vitamin D, I sit with my Happylight for 20 minutes a day, and I remind myself that the light will return.

The events of the last month have served to make the dark even darker. The hate, fear, violence, mistrust, and pain that is everywhere just seems too much sometimes. It becomes overwhelming. It feels like you are responsible for making it all better. 

I'm sitting with my "light" right now and writing to bring myself some perspective. The darkness clouds out the rays of light that are always there. My husband and children. My crazy dogs. My dear friends. The families and children who I share space with everyday. My work. The persistent signs that even when the dark is pressing in, the light will eventually burst through. 

Morning always comes.

As a part of the growing movement called The Pantsuit Nation, I read stories everyday of people finding their voice and standing up for themselves or others. I go through my day and see others wearing a safety pin. We smile and nod and know that there is someone else who is watching. If there is one giant silver lining from this whole election fiasco, it is the way people are mobilizing.

The dark starts to come again though when I think of the times over the years when after other disasters, we have mobilized and then gone back to our lives... We still haven't made much progress around gun violence. We still leave individuals struggling with mental health issues, addiction and poverty to fend for themselves. Unless the darkness directly touches us, we eventually go back to our lives and leave it to others.

I hope this time is different. The darkness is so thick and oily. We need to bring all the light we can and we must keep it coming. Seeking out the light will help - finding those people and experiences that strengthen you are a must. I will fill up this weekend by immersing myself in the experience of Christmas at Luther. Seeing one daughter singing and one daughter experiencing the joy for the first time will be amazing. Re-connecting with family and friends will make the experience even better.

Find those things that fill you up. Sing, Dance, Pray, Talk, Give. Whatever it is - do it.

The light will come. It always comes. It just feels like the wait might be longer this time.

I believe

I believe...

that ALL PEOPLE are created equal

that ALL PEOPLE deserve to live in peace

that ALL PEOPLE should be able to practice their religion (or not) WITHOUT infringing on other's ability to practice (or not) theirs

that ALL PEOPLE deserve to live in a world free from fear

that ALL PEOPLE should be able to speak out against hate and violence in all forms

that ALL PEOPLE deserve the opportunity to work towards their goals

that ALL PEOPLE have a responsibility to rise up and care for those who need to be cared for

that ALL PEOPLE have a responsibility to rise up and protect those who need protection

that ALL PEOPLE have a responsibility to rise up and resist efforts to divide and demean us

that ALL PEOPLE are children of God and deserve to be treated as such with love and compassion.

The hate and violence that is spreading is like a horrible virus. The only way to defeat it is to fight it with love and compassion. Each time I see or read something that brings me down, I see two more things that remind me that there is so much good in the world.

We cannot stand by and watch as all that is good about these United States is destroyed by an increasingly alt-right agenda.

I continue to struggle with feelings of fear. I am terrified of being in a situation where I will be called upon to step up. I wear a safety pin every day, as much to signal that I am a "safe" person as to remind me that I have a responsibility to be watchful and courageous in the face of hate and violence.
I am praying that I will have the courage necessary to speak out and stand up if and when I am called upon.

apology

This has been quite a Fall.

Like many others I have been swept away by the rhetoric and hype and fear surrounding change in the White House.

This week was such a roller coaster of emotions. I started out the week, as did many, feeling pretty sure that my candidate would win the White House the progress that has been made over the last 8 years would continue if not even accelerate. I never in a million years saw what was coming.

Tuesday I went from elation at voting for the first Woman President of the United States, to utter dismay and desolation when her opponent won the Electoral College. I took small comfort that my candidate won the popular vote.

I allowed my fear and frustration to take over my ability to think rationally and I lashed out on FB. I know that some of my words were hurtful to people I love and respect. For that I'm truly sorry. My biggest mistake was to forget how very public the FB forum is and what a wide range of friends and acquaintances I have there. My rant should have been public to a small number of friends who could hear my pain, hold my hand, and help me through to the other side.

The last few days I've been blessed to spend time with colleagues I love, focusing on the work we do. It has been a much needed distraction. I'm still not watching or listening to the news or spending much if any time on social media.  I need to be in a bubble for a few more days.

What I'm struggling with is the idea that we are living in a nation with two completely different viewpoints. We look at the same information, and come to completely different conclusions. I'm sharing a post here that you may have already seen, but the author articulates so well my feelings Wednesday morning.

http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/11/09/heres-why-we-grieve-today/

This winter will bring an opportunity to look inward and figure out how to move forward. I so badly want to be able to look at people with love and generosity. I want to spend my time loving, supporting, guiding, nurturing and singing. I want to enjoy my last year with a child at home. I want to dig into my work and expand the places we are sharing music with families and young children.

It will also bring an opportunity to rethink how I interact with the world. I need to find ways to better filter what comes into my heart and mind. I need to find one "focus" for my fear based energy- most likely women's rights. One of the real drawbacks to Social Media is that WE SEE EVERYTHING and it becomes overwhelming. I should know better - it's happened before and may happen again.

For now I will be keeping my opinions in private conversations, closed groups and perhaps here. I will keep Social Media for pictures of my dogs and my family.

If you were hurt by my comments I apologize. I don't understand how this election went the way it did. I'm so sad that it feels like we are more divided than ever. I don't apologize for my feelings or opinions. I do apologize that I lashed out. It's time to find our way again and be vigilant against fear and hate and violence.