love and kindness

The last week has been rough. The fall-out from the shooting in FL has continued longer than other shootings and for that, I am strangely grateful. Perhaps if we keep up the pressure THIS will be the beginning of a change. I have been completely blown away by (but not surprised) by the power of the teenagers who have been mobilized. Articulate, smart, passionate and powerful. These are our future leaders. They are the reason that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how much despair I feel at the state of our country, I have hope.

The last few days have seen growing numbers of adults, gun owners and others, who are standing up and saying enough. Events have been planned - walkouts, vigils, marches. Phone calls are being made and postcards are being sent. November 2018 is around the corner and legislators who are in the pocket of the NRA should be quaking in their boots. Change is coming. We are waking up, standing tall and demanding that those we elected to serve us actually start to listen.

At the same time all this is going on, we have seen the 50th anniversary of the first American broadcast of Mr. Rogers. With that have been interviews, video clips, photos, remembrances. I grew up with Mr. Rogers. My children watched Mr. Rogers. My niece and nephew watch Daniel Tiger (a sweet show inspired by Mr. Rogers). Mr. Rogers was about love and kindness. Caring for your friends and yourself. Being kind to all. His gentleness and routine were soothing. We all need a little more "Mr. Rogers" in our life. There is so much hate and anger. Bitterness and suspicion are everywhere. Being cynical and world weary is normal while being innocent and hopeful is naive.

It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done. There is only so much money to donate, time to volunteer and resources to give. The number of causes can paralyze you. Where to focus?? Gun Violence? Immigrants? Women? People of Color? Education? Environment? It all seems to be too much.

We have to start with love and kindness. We need to listen and be open. We need to love people into doing what we want. The more we all dig our heels in and get angry and call names, the easier it is for the other side to turn away. People who preach hate and fear were once children who wanted to be loved. They are damaged. As hard as it might be, having conversations with those on the other side of the table through eyes of love just might allow those conversations to be more productive.

If each one of us were to wake up each day and move forward with the idea that love and kindness is on the agenda imagine the change. People are lonely and overwhelmed. They are fearful and hurt. We do not know the burdens that others carry, the wounds they are hiding. The smallest moments can make a difference. A smile, a hello, an acknowledgement. A handshake, a hug, and pat on the back. Looking someone in the eye and really seeing them - putting down our devices and really listening.

We have to rebuild our community - for so many reasons we have allowed ourselves to build walls around us that keep us from connecting with others.

Over the years, I've heard jokes about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and "won't you be my neighbor?" It can seem so simplistic and naive. Can it really be so simple? Love your neighbor. Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Be kind to everyone. Mr. Rogers continues to teach us everyday. There is a reason that 50 years later, a 3 minute video clip can bring many of us to tears. He's right. Regardless of what happens with gun control, one thing we can all do right now is stop fearing our neighbors and start loving them. All of them. People who are connected to friends and neighbors are less likely to hurt themselves or others. People who are connected are more likely to be identified by those who love them if there are concerns.

WE are responsible for each other. WE are called to care for each other. WE must do better.

love and kindness.

again

i have no words. one more time we have allowed horror to visit the halls of a school. over and over and over we hear that this is the price of freedom. over and over and over we hear that this is not the time to talk about gun control. we hear our leaders say "our thoughts and prayers" and then go back to their scheming. those leaders who try to do more are silenced.

our children learn by watching us. they learn more from our actions than our words. the actions they have seen since columbine is that we are helpless - there is nothing we can do to stop the carnage. we are failing our most important natural resource. they are learning that no one cares and that there is nothing they can do but run and hide.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? The rest of the civilized world has figure this out. We keep talking and sharing posts filled with statistics and the people who could actually do anything about it share thoughts and prayers and then go back to their offices to figure out how to take away more of the resources needed to help feed and care for people in need.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? God is looking at us and hearing our prayers and wondering why we aren't listening to his words. LOVE your neighbor. FEED the hungry. CARE for the sick and hurting.

WE are the hands of God. WE are the ones who can make change. WE must stop wringing our hands and making excuses.

Common Sense Gun Control. Universal Health Care including coverage for Mental Health. Electing leaders who are NOT in the pockets of the NRA and Big Pharma.

There is nothing free about living in a country where at any time and in any place, someone can mow down innocents going about their life. THIS is not freedom.

December 14th

Today is a Monday like many others. Everyone in the house is up early. My husband and daughter are out the door and I have a short time to soak in the rays from my HappyLight, check in on Facebook and take a quick peek at my e-mail.
Today is December 14th. It makes this Monday different. Today people throughout CT (and elsewhere) remember Sandy Hook.  We remember the 26 souls taken from the world by a lost and sick young man.  20 children, 6 teachers. Their deaths began a new age in our world, one where we don't feel safe even in the "safest" places.

3 years ago our middle child was struggling with mental health issues. Our December was completely absorbed in keeping her safe and getting her help. 3 years later she is thriving in college. She had access to good mental health services and she DIDN'T have access to a gun. If she had, we could have easily been mourning her suicide. If the murderer of Sandy Hook had better mental health services he may not have done what it did. If he did not have easy access to his mother's guns he would not have done what he did.  No one could have magically made him "better," but we could have prevented his access to guns.

3 years ago we all said "never again." the horror of school children being murdered seemed like more than enough to wake up the country to look seriously at gun control and mental health. While progress has been made, Since Sandy Hook it's not enough.  The Federal Government has been unable to make any progress, so any semblance of sanity on the issue of gun control/gun safety has fallen to individual states. Any progress is good, but as long as individual states have widely disparate laws, too many guns will continue to be available to those who want them.

Here's the problem though. When a "mass" shooting happens there is a lot of activity - statistics are thrown around, social media is busy with people on both sides of the issue. In the meantime, those who could make significant change in this land, don't. What we hear are excuses.  "It's not about guns, it's about mental health." "If more good guys had guns, we could beat the bad guys." "The second amendment protects my right to protect myself and my family." "More gun control won't work, 'cause the bad guys will get the guns anyways." After a week or so, the flurry of activity slows, we move on with our lives and wait for the next time we hear in the news "Mass shooting at a......."
Here's the thing.

"Mass shootings get all the attention, but they are a small part of the overall problem," "On the same day as the Sandy Hook shooting, about 90 other people died as the result of a shooting."(quote from the above link)

The number of people killed as a result of gun violence in this country outside the sensational shootings is not acceptable. Domestic violence, suicide, homicide, accidental.  Just the number of people who are injured or killed when a TODDLER comes across a gun and accidentally fires it should be enough for the powers that be to make some common sense reforms regarding the gun laws of the United States.   

Good Mental Health services continue to be difficult to come by even if you have resources. While progress has been made, there is still more to do.  The work that needs to be done will NOT be done until we value people over things.  As long as those in power value the almighty dollar more than the life of a child nothing will change.  Even when changes are made and those who need it get help, it will still take time. 

In the meantime, common sense gun reform nationwide, could make a huge impact.  To deny the progress made by neighboring countries is foolish.  Fewer guns = fewer gun deaths.  Will it prevent all gun deaths? No. Will reducing the number of guns end all mass shootings? No. Will reducing the number of guns in the US and requiring common sense protections like "smart technology," training, safe storage etc. significantly reduce the number of deaths due to gun violence. The numbers and the experience of Australia, the UK and Japan would suggest YES.

While I am horrified each time there is a mass shooting and December 14th will always be a sad day, I want to see change for the hundreds of thousands of individuals who deaths don't make the news or social media. 

Today on December 14th, I'm going to remember the 26 souls lost at Sandy Hook School, but I'm also going remember the 554 children under age 12 who have died since Sandy Hook due to intentional or accidental gunshots. I'm going to remember the 33,599 people who died LAST YEAR in the US due to gun violence. I'm going to remember the 497,632 people who have died because of guns since 1999. 

 I'm also going to pray for the souls of those who stand by and do nothing.

The new normal ISN'T NORMAL.

I'm so disgusted right now. Over and over again it happens. Innocent people are slaughtered right here in the "land of the free". Those who we have elected offer "thoughts and prayers" to those in Colorado Springs, Savannah, San Bernadino, and then go back to business as usual.

Right now I want to be writing about the holidays with my almost adult children. Thanksgiving was a warm up to Christmas and it is an interesting time to be a parent when your children come "home" to visit. I don't want to be talking yet again about the incredible stupidity of the country I live in. WHEN DO WE LEARN?

Yesterday my 16 year old posted the following on her FB page, "I think one of the saddest parts of the San Bernadino shooting today is that I'm no longer surprised by this kind of violence. I shouldn't be used to hearing about shootings. So incredibly sad and WRONG."

This child has grown up in a post-Columbine world. She has been struggling with increasing anxiety since she was 10. On the surface she has little to be anxious about. She is loved, she is beautiful, she is smart, she is kind, she works hard, she lives in a "safe" town with good schools, she is blessed. She has also grown up in a world that seems to be increasingly scary and unpredictable. It is no longer "when is the next shooting going to occur", the question is "where is it going to be today?" Of my three children she has grown up with the most media exposure from a young age. It's everywhere. School is also increasingly stressful (for many reasons) and does not appear to be any safer than any place else.

The facts say that she is still safer in our small town and in her school that in many places. Logic should tell her that she has little to fear and everything to look forward to. Facts and logic mean nothing when you have been in a state of fear and worry throughout your formative years.  Brains developing while under constant state of "preparedness" cannot possibly be optimal. How much of the dramatic increase in depression and anxiety among our children has as much to do with the "marketing" of our dangerous world? When they are bombarded with images of violence over and over, in places that "they could be" why wouldn't they begin to fear for themselves? If the messages they get from the adults in their world be in family members or the talking heads, is that "there is nothing we can do about 'it'" why wouldn't they begin to experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If you are perpetually in a state of "fight or flight," your adrenaline levels stay high.  They aren't supposed to do this. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. It isn't normal for us to be in a state of "preparedness" ready to react at the slightest threat.

After a rough few days, H was showing signs of her normal, happy, goofy self. She made it through the school day without a text or a call home or a visit to the nurses office. The early part of the afternoon she was a joy. As the day progressed and she saw bits of news, scrolled through Facebook, watch a video on Syrian refugees and followed news reports on the events of San Bernadino, she began to wilt. Her stomach began to hurt, her fears of getting sick increased, her anxiety began to climb through the roof.

Strategies to calm her didn't work and finally her dad ended up sleeping in her room so she would feel safe. This morning despite a night of sleep she was still feeling miserable and stayed in bed. Another day of school will be missed.  How do I know this isn't just some virus? Because it happens with increasing frequency and we have explored all the possible "medical" explanations.  She is dealing with anxiety and physical illness is how it is expressed in her body. THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

At 16 her worries should be few - school, driving, boys, maybe thinking about college, what to wear. She should be spending increasing amounts of time with her friends, moving away from the "nest." Instead she is spending more and more time at home. She doesn't like to be alone at night. She worries about her own safety and the safety of her siblings who have left home. She worries about Syrian children who have nowhere to sleep and nothing to eat. She worries about other vulnerable populations who are bullied and abused. I might be projecting my own worries on her, but she worries about the world she is going to be responsible for. The world that will exist when she is "grown-up."

Right now it is too scary. She doesn't want to grow up. My smart, funny, talented, compassionate child is doing everything she can to not grow up. To not have to "leave the nest." I can't say I blame her. She is coming of age in a world full of hate and violence. A world where money and wealth appears to be valued over people. A world that doesn't seem to care about children or others who need our care.

It would be easy to say it's time to limit her media exposure. Tell her to stop watching the news. Tell her to stay off social media for a while. I want to protect her and surround her in a bubble of Christmas music and cookie baking.  I want to hide her from the world.

While we will have this conversation, I can't protect her from the world she lives in. Social media is a big part of that world and she needs to learn how to navigate through it.  Like her mom, she needs to learn when to "turn it off." We will continue to work with the different professionals in our life who are helping us develop strategies to deal with anxiety. We will breathe, journal, add yoga to our routine, continue to eat as healthfully as we can, find ways to serve others, and try to keep some perspective.

This is all a part of parenting for sure, and I know I have pretty tremendous kids. They all have a strong sense of responsibility to make the world a better place and I know they will. I just wish the world they were inheriting wasn't so f'ed up.

I am angry that instead of the fire drills and tornado drills of my childhood in MN, schools now have "active shooter" drills. THIS ISN'T NORMAL. I am angry that those in a position to learn from other countries who have successfully addressed these very issues, like Australia, insist on spouting the rhetoric of personal "rights" without taking responsibility for the safety of the community. I'm tired that the "rights" of the individual to own whatever gun they want, trumps the rights of my child (and yours) to have a childhood and to feel safe. I'm angry that everything comes back to the almighty dollar and whoever has the most money get's their way.

Like my daughter, I can so easily get overwhelmed by the horror and tragedy. As a grown-up I have to keep perspective. I have to model balance in my life and in my use of and access to Social media. I have to acknowledge that I can't fix everything. I need to take one small step at a time. There is so much good in the world and so many good people doing that good.  We need to see them and be them.  We need to shine a light on those doing good and also shine our own light.

In the Christian calendar we have just begun the season of Advent. A season of waiting and anticipating. We wait for the birth of Christ. The Light of the World. Here's the thing.  The light is already here - it's us. We can't just wait while we share our "thoughts and prayers." WE ARE THE LIGHT. When we accept responsibility for a broken world and dedicate ourselves to loving and healing it, then we welcome the Light. Only then will we truly welcome the Christ Child. Those who hate and condemn and judge seek to put the light out. While we wait in the darkness, we must shine a light.

What I believe...

I'm thinking about taking a breather from my personal FB page.  I love FB.  With family and friends all over the country it has been an amazing way to stay in touch, share ideas, laughs and information. The potential for social media to do good in the world by mobilizing like-minded people to work for change is amazing.  The potential for it to do bad is the same.

The hate and divisiveness that is showing up around the refugee crisis is so disheartening.  I keep sharing information that I secretly hope will encourage those who are afraid to consider what they are really doing when they lump millions of human beings in with a small percentage of extremists.  I should know better.

We see what we want to see and I am as guilty of this as anyone else.  The difference is that our "differences" are so much more present now with social media.  Even 10 years ago, I could be friends with someone who had very different political and social views than I, because we didn't discuss them, and if we did it was a respectful debate/discussion that didn't include inflammatory photos and graphics and manipulated statistics.

This past weekend I was ridiculously weepy~ lots of reasons contributed, but what put me over the edge was the realization that no matter what I believe, there will be other's who don't just disagree, but who will mock my beliefs.  I can either argue with them, ignore them, try to persuade them, or agree to disagree.  There are many things I can agree to disagree on, but some differences are so profound they have completely altered my perception of some of those who cross my "cyber-world."

The thing is, I can't just let it go. No matter what I see to the contrary I still have hope that we can come together as a global community.  I still have hope that the "good" people in the world far out-number the "bad."  I still believe that when faced with an unreasonable amount of evidence that contradicts one's belief system, that one person's mind can be changed.

Here is what I believe ~ take it or leave it.  Mull about it, think about it, comment on it (respectfully), absorb it.  Anyone who chooses to be rude, disrespectful, reactive etc.. will be dropped from any discussion.  I'm not up for it.  Besides, I'd have to unfollow you on FB and since I'm taking a break that would be a nuisance.

~Lumping all Muslims in the same category as ISIS is like lumping all Christians into the same category as the Westboro Church. Most Muslims abhor what ISIS stands for just as most Christians abhor what the Westboro Church stands for.

~The process refugees must go through to enter the US is arduous enough as it is and to suggest that we add a religious "test" to it is contrary to everything I have ever learned or know about "the land of the free." We were founded on principles of religious freedom - to practice the religion of your choosing or not.  We are a nation founded on Judeo-Christian principles, not a Christian nation despite the GOP's current attempts to have us believe otherwise. You know that whole "under God" thing in the Pledge of Allegiance?  Added in 1954. History of the Pledge of Allegiance

~When we reject those who need us most we send them back to the arms of those who hate us and wish us harm. ISIS would like nothing more than for the refugees to be shunned by the rest of the world so they have no where else to turn.

~We can't fight an ideological war just with violence.  We have to educate; we have to offer an alternative world view.  We have to offer a future to those who don't see one for themselves.

~We must examine our own hypocrisy.  If you say you are a Christian, that means you are a follower of Jesus.  Jesus tells us to LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.  He doesn't say "love the neighbors who look like you, believe like you, live like you." Jesus made it a point to preach to more than just the chosen people; sometimes to the dismay of his disciples.  He tells us to LOVE. The Gospel in a word is LOVE - period.

~We can use these horrible events like the bombings in Beirut on Thursday and the killings in Paris last Friday, to separate us.  We can use them as an excuse to close our borders and our homes. We can use them as a reason to turn our backs on a world that doesn't look just like ours.  Or we can use them as an opportunity to unite with our fellow citizens around the world to fight extremism of all kinds.

~Call me naive, innocent, Pollyanna, whatever, but I believe, AND WILL ALWAYS BELIEVE, that love wins. Making decisions out of hate and fear will only lead to more hate and fear.  Making decisions out of love, kindness and compassion will lead to more love, kindness and compassion.  Yes, there are risks to making decisions out of love, kindness and compassion, but those risks pale in comparison to the consequences of making decisions out of hate and fear.

~When we realize that we are in more danger from the terrorists who look just like the "boy next door," or when we accept that we are more at risk of being killed by one of the obscene numbers of guns in our country, then maybe we will stop demonizing all the "others".  THERE ARE NO OTHERS.  We are all one people.    We all breath, eat, sleep, love, hate, live, and die.

It is so easy to be afraid.  It is so easy to react to those things that horrify and frighten us.  Life isn't easy.  It's not easy for the mother with the baby trying to escape to safety.  It's not easy for the homeless vet who's been forgotten.  It's not easy for the teenage boy who's been bullied one too many times.  It's not a contest, but let's be honest - our life in comparison?  Pretty freakin' easy. Challenging ourselves to be courageous and reject hate isn't easy when we are afraid, but it is the right thing to do. I will be grateful everyday for the challenges of life in my world.  I will pray everyday for those whose lives are so hard and I will speak up for them when I can.  I will speak up for the bullied child.  I will speak up for the homeless vet. I will speak up for the Syrian refugee.

Sometimes I see all the hate and violence in the world and I am overwhelmed.  I want to make it all better but I can't.  I need to filter what I see for a while and re-focus on what I can do right here.  How I can serve those right around me, how I can raise my children to be kind, compassionate, tolerant and loving.

I will post this on FB.  I will not discuss it there.  If you have comments or thoughts, please post them here on the blog.  Please do not be rude or disrespectful to me or other's who comment.  I'm thankful for thoughtful discussion.  I appreciate solid data. I look forward to other perspectives and conversation with people willing to be open-minded and consider all perspectives. 

thoughts this morning

Some thoughts that have been percolating in my mind over the past week.

~ Guns do kill people. They kill children, mothers, fathers, friends, enemies, strangers.

~ Dramatically decreasing the number of guns available in this country would in fact decrease the number of deaths by firearms.  The accidental shooting by the toddler in a home, the suicide of the distraught teenager.  The "in the heat of the moment" shooting of the husband or wife.  If guns are not available (destroyed or responsibly stored), they can't be used.

~ the right of our children and families to be able to go to school, church, a movie, the park, ANYWHERE, and feel safe completely trumps the right of anyone to own weapons whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Who the hell are you afraid of?????  Maybe if we stopped fearing each other and actually cared for people the way we care for money and stuff, the rising number of alienated, hurting individuals in our country would decrease.  Maybe if we valued kindness and empathy and serving each other more than doing just that which makes us "happy" fewer people would feel the need to lash out. Maybe if we made sure as a nation that ALL people had the basic necessities of life, we could be less fearful.

~ responsible gun owners who hunt or use guns for sport should have no beef with common sense gun reform.  Weapons designed to kill people should not be available to the general public for any reason.  Those who do own guns should have to demonstrate competence, pass a background check, be licensed, pay insurance just in case, and keep those guns safely stored in a locked safe with ammunition stored elsewhere.

~ none of these measures would eliminate all deaths by firearms, but they sure would dramatically decrease them.  How do we know this?  Because we've seen it happen around the world.  When we refuse to learn from the experience of our global neighbors we reinforce the idea that Americans are narcissistic assholes.  Not really how I'd like to be perceived by the world.  It's actually pretty embarrassing.

~ when the same people who want so badly to regulate my reproductive choices and those of my friends and daughters are as protective of the LIVES OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY LIVING AND BREATHING INDEPENDENTLY, I will discuss their "pro-life" agenda.  Until then I won't.  I'm not interested in talking with hypocrites who will do anything to "defend life", but refuse to address issues of healthcare (including mental health) education, poverty, gun safety.

~ my brain has been very busy lately.

The world is STILL a good place...

It's been almost two months since I visited this page... Many times I began blogging in my head, but never succeeded in getting any of it down "on paper."  Maybe if I don't write about it it won't happen. Maybe if I allow myself to be paralyzed time will stop.

I don't really want time to stop, but I have allowed myself to be paralyzed over the last week~ the list gets longer and I add to it and then go back on Facebook, or drink another cup of coffee, or both.

This time of year is both my favorite and most hated.  I love the cooler mornings, the excitement of a "new year," the continued harvest from the garden.  The shorter days and the clear sign that time is marching on compel me to curl up in a ball on the couch with the dog, coffee and the Today Show and refuse to do anything.

Yesterday I got wrapped up in gun reform debates on Facebook.  While it's important and I feel more driven than ever to be a voice for reason, yesterday it was a strategy to ignore the things I need to attend to; bills, schedules, plans, to-do's, saying goodbye to two of my children.

Katy leaves tomorrow to begin her Sophomore year at Luther College in Decorah, IA.  I'm both excited for her and sad to see her go. We will have a quick visit in Oct. when Jeff and I attend our 25th College Reunion, and then we will see her at Christmas. She is becoming exactly who we predicted from the moment she was born; A force to be reckoned with!  I couldn't be more proud and I look forward to hearing about her classes, adventures and friends.  I will miss her.

Andrew leaves Sunday to move to New Haven.  Grown up life is calling and while he has no idea what it will look like, he is moving forward.  I'm both excited for him and proud that while he knows it will be difficult at times, he is ready to take on the challenges that the world will put before him.  He can fly, knowing that there is always room for him in the "nest" if he needs to re-group or rest or just visit.

I love that they seem to be moving forward unafraid.  So much of what I see in social media and elsewhere is fear-based.  We're becoming a culture of "us" and "them."  We are so afraid of the "others."  Our children are bombarded with images of shootings, natural disasters and other "things" to be afraid of.  We all get overwhelmed and focused on the negative in the world rather than the positive. We don't SEE the positive enough. On top of the things they can't control, we're pushing our children to work harder and excel because we are afraid they will be left behind, not because we want them to be happy. Our "fear" of failure can rub off on them and leave them with the sense that there is nothing in their life that they can control. They must do x, y, z or they won't get into the right schools and won't get the right jobs.  If they don't take every AP class they won't have college credits when they start college and will be behind.  Rather than supporting them in making choices that are right for them, we pressure them (or allow them to be pressured by others), to keep up and to do more. The list goes on and on and our children become more and more anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and fearful.

My oldest was in kindergarten when the shootings at Columbine High School happened.  I will always remember walking him home and trying to answer his questions.  We worked hard to keep the news off and to not overwhelm our children with images of tragedy.  We tried to do the same after 9/11.  Since then, it has gotten harder and harder to block the horror that is in the world.  Media is EVERYWHERE and while the world really isn't more dangerous than it used to be, IT SEEMS THAT WAY.  We don't see stories of goodness.  We don't see stories of joy.  We are overwhelmed with the bad and allow ourselves to begin living out of fear.  While we still try to protect our children from the horror in the world, we forget to protect ourselves from it and allow it to seep into our pores and turn us into fearful beings. Our children learn from what we do, not what we say.

Our youngest has grown up with less protection simply because it isn't as easy as turning off the tv.  As a third child, we have sometimes had conversations that we wouldn't have had at the same age with her older sibs.  She is still more protected than many and less fearful than many.  She successfully navigated a summer away from home and returned to the "real" world, more confident and vital after a summer of work and play. She is still more anxious and fearful than her siblings. We're working on it.

I could be afraid of so many things ~ I could be paralyzed by fears about plane crashes, shootings in the city, and on and on and on.  The truth is I don't want my life to be ruled by fear.  I don't want my children to live in fear.  I don't want them to be foolish and put themselves in harm's way, but I want them to LIVE.  If we are fearful and live our life constantly afraid of what might happen, what kind of life is that?  Accidents happen. Tragedies happen. Illness happens.  HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN.  We can't control so many of the things that paralyze us, but we can control how we react to them.  We can control how we choose to live our life.  We can control how we interact with the world.  We can be proactive and create "villages" filled with people who fill us up and provide is with a "nest" to visit when we need a little extra support.  We don't have to do everything by ourselves. Rather than becoming overwhelmed by the "what if's" I want take charge of the things I actually can control.  I want my children to make decisions based on what is good for them, NOT based on what everyone else is doing.  I want them to think for themselves and not get overwhelmed by the things they can't control.  I want to do a better job of modeling this for them.

I could be so afraid of sending my children out into the world, but I'm not.  I will miss them and I will worry about them, but I'm not afraid.  Despite popular opinion, the world is an amazing place filled with wonderful people, places and adventures to be had.  I could be afraid, but I'm not.  I'm excited to follow their journeys and I am proud that they are people who will make the world an even better place as they go.

Welcome to the world of crazy.

I want to write about all the High School and College Graduates we know who we are so proud of.  I want to send them out into the world with wishes for a long and amazing life.  Children, nieces, nephews, friends, a daughter from another mother.... On and on... They are AMAZING.  They are capable of great things.  They better be ready because we are launching them into a crazy world full of hate and violence, selfishness and pain.

This morning as I watched the news, the shooting in South Carolina is all over the place.  The emphasis of the story is on the vigils, and the community coming together to pray, the clear indication that this was a HATE crime.  A young man filled with so much hate that he sat with a group of people in a church for an hour and then slaughtered them.  So many prayers.  Some asking how can God let this happen.  God didn't let this happen.  I'm pretty certain SHE is weeping and despairing that we can't seem to get our act together.  We are responsible.  All of us.  We live in a world that separates us from each other by our differences.  Babies are born ready to love anyone.  We teach them who is the "other."

The attention is on the victims. The media is trying to take the focus away from the baby-faced killer and I think that's good.  We need to know the victims so we can truly mourn them.  Maybe then we will get off our fucking asses and CHANGE THINGS.  I know my parents read this and I apologize for my language, but I am so angry right now and no other words suffice.

There will be calls for more attention to mental health and to racism and hate and all this is good.  These are discussions that need to happen and changes need to be made.  Perhaps more attention will be on how children are loved and nurtured from day one.  Maybe there will be talk of communities pulling together to create stronger villages so children who are suffering, struggling, or being raised in hateful circumstances will be identified and supported before they become hateful killers.

THESE ARE ALL CONVERSATIONS THAT NEED TO BE HAD.

What will be touched on and then swept away however, will be talk of guns. This is where I can't stand it anymore.  What the hell is wrong with this country that despite shooting after shooting, horror after horror, we STILL CAN'T ADDRESS THE OBSCENE NUMBER OF GUNS AVAILABLE IN THIS COUNTRY.  I'm not even talking about reasonable guns for hunting.  I'm talking about guns designed for the sole purpose of killing PEOPLE.  We've done this to ourselves and it will continue until those in positions of power at the local, state and federal level stop bowing down to the special interest groups and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  There are weapons that simply shouldn't be available to anyone.  There are weapons that should be restricted.  IF GUNS ARE NOT AVAILABLE, THEY CAN'T BE USED TO KILL PEOPLE.

But wait, guns don't kill people, people kill people.  FUCK THAT.  In countries where guns are not available death rates are dramatically lower.  Look it up.  Any rational person looking at the rates of gun violence in the US vs any other 1st world country (and many 2nd and 3rd) can see that eliminating or even reducing access to guns significantly impacts on gun violence.  This is not rocket science.  But what about the second amendment you say??  What about it?  What part of anyone and their dog being able to have as many guns as they want, says anything about a "well-regulated militia."  Pretty sure the Founding Fathers (and Mothers) didn't have this insanity in mind.

So many of the discussions that need to be had around mental health, race, poverty etc., are so critically important, but perhaps if we could get our heads out of the sand and get the weapons out of the conversation, we would actually have time to have these conversations.  Instead we are spending more and more time, mourning, praying and cleaning up the blood of innocents.  I'm pretty sure God is saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.  When are we going to listen?

Perhaps the current crop of Graduates will be strong enough and smart enough to change things.  Right now I feel like we have failed them and left them with an awful mess to clean up.  If anyone can do it though, I bet they can.  I hope they can.

Who decides?

A New Year...  2015 is the year to just do it.

Sitting here at my computer with my HappyLight and my coffee I'm having moment of nostalgia.  Seeing posts on FB about sledding being banned as I'm watching the snow fall out my window makes me sad and annoyed.  More and more I find myself thinking "back in the day," or "when I was a kid" or even "when my kids were little".  The decision makers, national and local, seem to be more and more confused about what their jobs are.  We can't possibly make laws that keep people safe from guns or starvation, but you better not let your child play alone in a park or go sledding.  We will also make all medical decisions for you and your children too.  I'm really troubled by two stories in CT lately.  I'm all about getting good medical care for you and your children, but when the state begins to take children away because a parent (or older child) wants to make a choice that they disagree with, it's a little scary.  A frightening slippery slope.

When I started typing this morning, I hadn't intended to go this direction, but clearly it's what is on my mind!  The current story about the 17 year old with Hodgkins Lymphoma is so troubling.  I'm not making any judgements about whether she should or shouldn't have chemotherapy, but the idea that she has been removed from her mother's custody and is being forced to have chemotherapy against her will is very troubling to me.  Have they consulted alternative medicine practitioners?  While chemo is often the treatment of choice, it is not the only choice.  Also, in a few months when she is 18, this young lady will be able to decide for herself.  What makes those few months magical?  Is it worth the cost and trauma to "force" her to undergo treatment that she does not want?  Really difficult decisions, but not ours to make.
The other story is the one surrounding a very sick little boy.  Jaxon Gilmore is medically frail and while he has a Grandmother and other family members who are willing and able to care for him, because there has been some disagreement about his care the state has taken custody.  Again, I don't know all the details of this case, but this is a little boy who is going to die at some point, sooner rather than later.  His extended family wants to care for him and is willing and able to do so.  What is the problem?  https://www.change.org/p/dannel-malloy-bring-jaxon-gilmore-home
While both of these situations are complicated, there is one simple commonality.  Two families have had their ability to make decisions and care for their children taken away from them.  These are not families who have been abusive, who are living on the street, or otherwise need desperate help.  These are two medically complicated situations where the people who should be integrally involved in the making of those decisions have been pushed out.  While it feels sordid to talk about money and children's lives, there is the reality that the cost for litigation and medical care for both of these children is probably enormous and perhaps finding a way to support these families through would be less expensive both in terms of money and emotional/physical trauma.
Again, I will be clear that I don't know all the details of either of these cases, and don't pretend to know what I would do if I were the state or the families in question.  I do know that there appears to be an increasing level of intervention into the most personal decisions of families.  We fight about birth control and abortion, intimate choices that determine when families even begin.  The hypocrisy is everywhere.  "You must have that baby, but once you have it, we aren't going to give you any assistance; you're on your own."
Everyday we hear cases where children have died or been abused at the hands of their caregivers.  Everyday we hear of children who have been shot accidentally or intentionally with guns in their homes.  My cynical side notices that the children who have died due to abuse or neglect are often from families who are torn apart by poverty, drug abuse, etc...  They have often been on the radar for a long time.  There is no money to be made from helping these children.  The children killed by their parents or caregivers guns?  Terrible tragedies, but we couldn't possible strengthen gun laws or even require safety equipment on guns that would make it impossible for many of those accidents to happen.  That wouldn't be right.  The gun lobby would also be pissed and maybe take their money elsewhere.  Children from loving families who are making alternative decisions about medical care?  How dare they!  We know what's best and we will make the decisions.
Parents being arrested for letting their children play in a park, sledding in public places being banned.  What's next?
I think back a few years to when Jeff and I made a decision "against medical advice" for one of our children.  We were confident in our decision and the Doctor who didn't know us or our daughter from a whole in the wall had us sign all kinds of paperwork and made dire warnings that we wouldn't be able to get care at that particular hospital if the situation arose again.  I guess we are lucky that custody of our child was not taken away from us.
Who decides "who knows best"?  Our laws should be in place to protect and serve.  To support and guide.  NOT to terrorize and punish.  Families who are making difficult decisions need to be supported and treated with respect.  They need to be an equal part of the decision making team, but ultimately they bear the final responsibility and to have that ripped away from them?  Feels a little too Orwellian for my taste.

Christmas time is here...

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all the children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

This is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I never get tired of it.  The meaning has changed over the years for me though and this year my soul responds more than ever to the melancholy tune of the song.  I'm sure it's been analyzed to death and I know that one of the reasons Charlie Brown and his friends endure is that they are so much more than characters in a cartoon storyline for kids.  

Christmas is changing for us this year in many ways.  It is the first year one of our children will be away from us~ Katy will be with the Luther Swim and Dive team in San Diego.  It is an awesome opportunity for her to really "dive" in to her sport and connect on a deeper level with her teammates.  We are lucky enough to have best friends who will be in Southern California with family so she will spend Christmas Eve and Day with them.

Andrew is in a house this year with people he really enjoys and will just be with us for a few short days.  

Helen and Jeff and I will head to Canada for a few days to see grandparents and cousins, but it will be quick and there will be some empty seats.

I just re-read that line and feel almost ashamed.  My empty seats are temporary.  Another holiday, another family trip or dinner, they will be full again.  What about the seats at the tables of the families in Sandy Hook?  What about the tables of the families of the police officers in Brooklyn?  There are thousands of seats that are empty forever because a vocal minority thinks that their right to own guns designed to kill people is more important than a human life.  

During this season of Advent and Christmas we are all waiting for something.  Those of us who celebrate the birth of Christ wait and watch.  We anticipate the birth of the Christ Child come to bring light back to a dark world.  Those who celebrate a secular Christmas wait and prepare for a time of giving and celebrating ~ they celebrate the light too, just with a different focus.  With the passing of the Winter Solstice, we embrace the reality that our days will get longer and the sunlight will return to us.  We all wait.

As my children grow and go out into the world, I will always wait for them to come home.  Their seats at the table will be there waiting for them.  I will always feel some relief when my table is full.  The families who have empty chairs that will never be filled again?  I hold them in my heart and I promise that I will continue to speak on their behalf.  I will continue to argue on the side of common sense and justice and kindness.  I will stand with those who will remember the faces of ones who will never come home and I will love them.

Waiting for my children to come home is pretty passive though.  I can simply wait and welcome them when they are here.  I can make it a welcoming place to come, but in the end, as they grow, they decide when to come take their place at the table.  I watch and wait.  

Waiting for Christmas and the symbolic celebrations involved can be passive to.  We are actively involved in all the "fluff" around the celebrations, shopping, baking, wrapping, but waiting for the days to grow longer, or waiting to be reminded of the birth of the Christ Child is passive.

Watching and waiting can be good in a way, but sometimes action is better.  We need to be actively loving others and bringing light to the world.  We are the light.  We must be the light.  We are called to be the light. When do we own our power to light up our world with love and kindness?  To hold those who are suffering?  Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless.  

Being a light in a dark world can be hard work, but it's better than watching the darkness spread.  

Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

end of the year

This is my last post of 2103.  This year is winding down and I'm ready.  I just watched a brief story on some of the families from Sandy Hook.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of that terrible day one year ago when we witnessed unspeakable horror as a sick young man mowed down 20 babies and 6 brave teachers with weapons he shouldn't have ever had access to.
As that was all unfolding we were in our own personal hell as our sweet 16 year old was struggling with her own demons that threatened to take her away from us.  I sat in my car listening to the news as the death toll rose in Sandy Hook and at the same time waited in fear that my phone would ring with terrible news.
This year has been filled with grief and loss and fear.  Rather than help my children launch I have wanted to bring them back in and shelter them from an increasingly frightening world.
At the same time we struggled to hold it all together, our dear friend Ellen was fighting a much too short and terrible battle with cancer, passing away February 26th.  We grieved again.
With the help of friends and family and doctors we began to pull it together.  For Mother's Day we brought a silly little puppy who we named Thor into our life.  He has brought laughter, love and much joy to our life.  His penchant for eating rugs, baskets, and anything else has reminded us that it's just "stuff" and while we look forward to the day when he outgrows the puppy "chewing" stage, for now it's just "stuff."
I began to release my hold on my children and they made it through the summer dealing with their own mistakes in ways that we could be proud of.
August 16th as we celebrated the end of another awesome summer at Camp Calumet, we received the unbelievable and terrible news that Jeff's Dad had suffered a massive heart attack at 72 and died.  Never in a million years could we imagine that he wouldn't live into his 90's like his mother, Grandma Eleanor, who is still with us at 96.  We were thrown back into grief and sadness just when we were getting our footing back.
The year since then has been more or less normal ~ Our children are finding their way and I am so very proud of the people they are becoming.  Jeff and I are a little worse for wear and with 2014 will work towards taking better care of ourselves.
I'm tired.  I forget that I don't have to do this alone.  My family is surrounded by people who love us and care for us.  I forget that I believe in a God who is loving and kind.  I'm not always sure he (or she) is there, but when I find my faith, I feel calmer and more able to cope.
I'm angry with those who are in power but who do nothing to create a system of care for those who most need it, while filling their pockets with whatever they want.
I am grateful that the children I am sending into the world are more focused on social justice and peace than on accumulating stuff.
I'm hopeful that as this terrible year ends, the days will begin to get longer, the sun will shine and love will win.
I am thankful for the many blessings in my life ~ a partner who is always there for me, children who I love more and more everyday, family and friends who will never let me sink into despair, work that brings me joy.
I know 2014 will be a good year.  I will choose hope and joy and will spread it around liberally.
Like the families of Sandy Hook, I will choose LOVE.

I CHOOSE PEACE

2013 has been a suckish year.  I just looked over my last few posts and am tired of hearing myself complain!  I really have a pretty amazing life, but this year has been filled with grief, loss, illness and stress.  I've spent the year comforting, crying with, caring for and yelling at the people I love the most.  Each "beginning" I say "fresh start!" Beginning of Spring, beginning of summer, beginning of school... Each one has been tainted by grief.  As someone who generally dreads the shortening days, I look forward to the end of this year and a fresh beginning in 2014.

Our own personal grief and loss is one thing.  We can talk about it, process it, explain it.  People get sick, people die.  It's what happens.  All we can do is share memories and care for those left behind. It is a sad, but normal part of life.

What is difficult to wrap my brain around is the seemingly increasing grief and loss in the world.  Every time I turn on the radio, tv or computer, there's been another shooting or bombing.  Another mother is mourning.  Another father is weeping.  Mass shootings continue.  After each one, attention ramps up, but those with the guns and money are louder and more persistent and we go back to our lives while those directly affected try to pick up the pieces.  The amount of money spent on protecting the "rights" of gun owners, while we fight for every dollar for education, healthcare and even food, is outrageous.  We don't even realize how many gun deaths since Sandy Hook have happened.

We say that the bombings and massacres in the Middle East aren't OUR problem.  It's those "others."  We ignore them until it directly affects us and then we blame them, pushing us all further into "us" and "them."  Encouraging "them" to hate us.  They are DIFFERENT.  When a beautiful, smart young woman who happens to be an American of Indian descent, much like I'm an American of Norwegian descent, garners an obscene flurry of racist, hateful comments simply by being crowned Miss America, it's easy to see why the world might hate us.  WE ARE HATEFUL TO OUR OWN CITIZENS.  I'm ashamed.

IT MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.

I'm 45 years old and I struggle with trying to understand the hate and ugliness in the world.  My youngest is 14 and experiences waves of sadness that sometimes threaten to carry her away.  I can only assume that her personal sadness about losing Auntie Ellen and her Grandpa this year are made more intense by the sadness, grief and pain she sees in the world.  She is too old to shelter, but too young to understand. I can't explain it and I can't hide it or ignore it.

IT MAKES ME ANGRY.

I can only choose to move forward.  We must TEACH our children to choose love and compassion.  We must TEACH them that caring for others is how they will save the world.  We must SHOW them that bullies don't win.  There is so much going on in schools around bullying, but where do we think it starts?  When do we pay as much attention to the grown-up bullies in our communities and governments?  The NRA?  BULLIES.  Tyrants and Dictators around the world?  BULLIES.
Children learn what they see and live and when they see the bullies getting the power and control, they learn that to be in charge you must be a bully too.

I CHOOSE PEACE.

This Saturday, Sept. 21st is the International Day of Peace.  I will spend it with colleagues, friends, family and strangers, at Elizabeth Park in Hartford, CT.  From 10 am -1 pm we will be together.

WE WILL PREPARE PEACE ~ RALLY PEACE ~ SPEAK PEACE ~ CELEBRATE PEACE

We will TEACH our children that PEACE AND LOVE WIN.

We will TEACH our children that to change the world for the better we must COME TOGETHER.

We will TEACH our children that there is HOPE, but they must be STRONG and VOCAL.

We can STEP UP and be louder and more persistent about PEACE and LOVE or we can go on about our lives, shaking our heads, wringing our hangs and participating in memorials, while those with the guns and money and power allow our world to be destroyed by hate and violence.

What will you choose?

"It is not enough to teach children how to read, write and count. Education has to cultivate mutual respect for others and the world in which we live, and help people forge more just, inclusive and peaceful societies."

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon 

Love wins

Yesterday was 9/11.  An Anniversary we will forever remember.  I was a younger mom, grateful to be with my neighbor on a terrible day.  The next day I began my life's work with my first Music Together classes and that's what I choose to remember.  I will always remember that as sad as we were, coming together in a community to sing brought joy and healing to our community.

This year was different for me.  I didn't want to focus on the tragedy.  I wanted to get on with my day and sing and dance with the new families that came to my demo classes.  I found myself feeling uncharacteristically annoyed by some of the remembrances.  Don't get me wrong ~ I will always feel the pain of that day and the overwhelming swelling of pride at how we as a country came together.

I couldn't help thinking that all the "remembrances" and "memorials" in the world mean squat if we cannot get our act together and change how we live in the world.  If we cannot create a community that cares for the least of these and welcomes people of all races and religions and orientations to our shores, we will continue to allow hate to fester.

When we are bickering at the national level about ensuring that ALL children have enough food to eat and that ALL people should have access to basic health care, we ignore that when people are desperate, they do desperate things.

When time is spent protecting the "rights" of gun owners, and "memorializing" the hundreds of thousands of people killed by guns in the US, we send a message to the world that we don't care about the weakest of our citizens.

I spent much of my life watching what I said.  I didn't want to "offend" people or hurt their feelings or whatever.   Over the last 5 years, since I hit the magic 4-0, that's been changing.  Maybe that's what it is to finally grow up.  Maybe I've just gotten tired of listening to people talk nonsense.  Maybe my filter is faulty.  I still prefer to debate and discuss.  My intention is never to offend or hurt.

But I won't keep my mouth shut anymore when I see injustice or stupidity.

Caring for others is never a bad thing.  Looking the other way is unacceptable.  Blindly following the crowd is stupid.  I prefer to live my life with my eyes open, sharing love and kindness with the world.  Love will always win. 

I'm done

One Million Moms for Gun Control

I haven't joined many (if any) non-local organizations.  In my life I've stayed away from most issues that cause controversy or intense debate.  I haven't wanted to make waves.  I don't want to upset people.  During the 2012 election season, my opinions started to percolate to the surface.  At 44 years old I've decided it's time.

I'M DONE.
I'm done keeping it to myself.  If I offend you, oh well.  If I upset you, I guess you'll have to figure it out.  If you disagree with me, debate it. Share you arguments.  Disagree if you will, but if you attack me verbally, I will not respond.  I do not have the energy to get into a pissing contest based on paranoid rhetoric and false information, so check your sources.

I've been following the growth of the One Million Moms for Gun Control movement and today I joined.  This morning on the news the President of the NRA once again spouted off about the 2nd amendment. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  The second amendment was written long before the weapons that are now available were even imagined.  It also specifies a "well-regulated" militia.  I wonder how many of those so concerned with their "right to bear arms" ever thought to serve in the military.

When people are talking about how "guns don't kill people, people kill people", I want to vomit.
OPEN YOUR EYES.
Look around the world.
The US has some of the worst GUN violence among similar nations.  We are barbaric.

Do we need to address mental health?  Absolutely.  Do we need to look at violence in the media? Absolutely.  Do we need to take responsibility for ourselves and our family members?  Absolutely.

We also need common sense Gun Control laws that require at least as much oversight as driving a car, or buying some prescription medications.  We are all over crazy about things like tobacco, alcohol and marijuana but GOD FORBID we regulate the ownership of a weapon or ammunition that can kill large numbers of people faster than you can smoke a cigarette or drink a cocktail.

I cannot feel good about sending my nearly adult children out into a world as foolish and narcissistic as ours if I'm not willing to step up and speak out when something is wrong.  I hope they are learning to do the same without waiting until they are 44.