the nest

the nest

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I don't feel like shining...

The last month has sucked.  February 26th, Ellen dies.  March 3rd, a dear colleague dies.  Ellen was diagnosed just before Christmas.  Sally was diagnosed 3 weeks before she passed away.
They were both women who loved other people's children.  Neither had children of their own, but they were beloved by many.
I know that at almost 45 years old, I'm going to start to know more and more people who become sick and die.  I know that it's a natural part of life and that they are going on to something else.  Some say it will be better.  I don't really know.
What I know right now is that some of the people I love the most in the world live too far away.  Some of the ones who live close get taken for granted.  Any one of them could be gone tomorrow or next week or next year.
I'm just pissed.  Two shining lights in the world are gone.  Sally was a model for so many of us in the Music Together world - we wanted to emulate her and be around her and even if we didn't "know" her, we felt like we did.
I needed Ellen.  I wasn't ready for her to go.  She has always been there to take the place of the aunts and grandmothers who live too far away to attend programs and go to lunch.  Now she's gone and the aunts and grandmothers still live too far away.
I'm feeling lonely and afraid that those I love will be gone before I can tell them how much they mean to me.  I don't know where they're going, I just know that I'm not there and I will miss them.

1 comment:

  1. Dear Jane, all I can think is that there is rarely a day I feel like shining. Alone, my light is insufficient and the burdens I carry are too heavy. I worry constantly that I am not doing enough - for others, for the world, for loved ones. You are not alone. You wrote this, and that's something. Something very beautiful, and it shines through your pain. Thank you.