the nest

the nest

Monday, December 17, 2012

I'm so angry

I'm so angry.  I've been blogging in my head for days now and nothing has seemed quite right.  I've wanted to be sensitive and not offend anyone.  I've wanted to just share the love.  That's what I do right?  Share the LOVE.
How is it possible that there have been 31 horrific school shootings since Columbine, yet we have not had the courage to step up and regulate weapons created to do nothing other than kill people. We have not had the courage to commit, as a society, to care for those in our world who most need our help and support.  We leave the most desperate families, children and individuals to fend for themselves and then we blame everyone else when something finally happens.  SHAME ON US.
I have not slept well or eaten much since Friday.  My stomach has been lodged in my throat and I am focused on caring for my own family which is having its own struggles right now.  Sleep eludes me.

I have refused to read the paper, or watch the news for days.  Anytime I catch a glimpse of one of the victims of Friday's massacre, I feel like I'm intruding on the most personal of tragedies.  I wanted to go to a local vigil the other night and then felt bad when I couldn't make myself go.  I don't feel bad anymore, at least about that.  I think our public displays of grief and support are important for many people.  I did watch the President's address at the vigil in Newtown and appreciated his words.
For me personally it feels selfish.  This is not "my" tragedy.  It is not "my" pain.  Over the past two decades every time something tragic happens, the public response has become bigger and bigger and the outpouring of support is greater and greater.  I can't help feeling like our need to "share" the burden and pain is intrusive and disrespectful.

I did not lose a child or a friend or a parent on Friday.  Most of us didn't.  We were lucky - our children are safely at school today.  My teacher husband is safely at his school doing his job, ready to "protect" his kids.  Maybe we need to light candles and gather to feel like we are doing SOMETHING, when really there is nothing we can do.  At least not for those children and teachers who are now gone.

I feel like this makes me sound hard.  I have done my own weeping and praying, privately.

I'M SO ANGRY!  Here comes the rant...

Over and over and OVER again, these events happen.  Over and over and OVER again, we cry and weep and send teddy bears and raise money and hug and light candles and sing songs of peace and love.



We continue to allow bullies like the NRA dictate gun policy.  While civilized countries around the world have found ways to drastically reduce gun violence through real legislation, we allow BULLIES to decide who should be allowed to have WEAPONS DESIGNED TO KILL PEOPLE.


We continue to refuse to take responsibility for the sick and destitute.  We tout personal responsibility, but don't take it for ourselves or our families.  We leave the mentally ill and their family members to fend for themselves.  We light candles, sing songs, share platitudes and then go Christmas shopping.


I'm so angry and so tired and while I desperately want to feel hopeful that maybe this time will be different, I'm having a hard time seeing that light.  God is weeping for his people and their foolishness.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Do you ever grow up?

This week I've been obsessed with what I'm going to be when I grow up.  I'm 44.  I've been a Therapist, a Youth Services Coordinator, a Mom and an Early Childhood Music Specialist.  I've loved all these roles for different reasons (ok I didn't really love being a Therapist, but it was nice to "help" people).
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice.  If she could go tomorrow she would.  Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year.  I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own.  Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:

~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?

I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family.  Why am I not satisfied?

I want to change the world in a BIG way.  Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow.  I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow.  I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart.  It's taken me a long time to say that out loud.  I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.

Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more?  I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.