the work

I can't believe my last blog entry was in November! I've blogged about all kinds of things over the past 2 months in my head~ clearly I never actually typed anything up. From November through the holidays, I was on the hamster wheel - traveling, working, decorating, entertaining, having a full house, and on and on. Life was a little out of balance - temporary for sure, but still out of balance. There was no time for quiet. Many bits and pieces (including writing!) got forgotten.
I need quiet. I need to write. So over the last month the house emptied out and the travel was over for now. There has been lots of quiet, but no writing.

Sometimes, especially in the dark of winter, I just need to go through the motions. If I think too much I can go to dark, sad places. I get absorbed in the sadness and anger that is in the world and I feel responsibility to make it all better. This month, I cared for myself. I went to the gym and worked hard. I snuggled on the couch with the dogs and the husband and watched television and movies. I read. I made lists and checked off "tasks." The thinking I did allow myself to do was all around preparing for my first day long retreat "Refocus for the New Year."

At the retreat we explored the things that get in our way. The issues and "baggage" that keep us from moving forward with our lives. It was a powerful morning for me, witnessing the "stuff" of life that keeps us trapped. The afternoon was about moving forward and different strategies that can be helpful. It was a good day all around.

I've been frustrated over the past several months that I haven't moved forward as fast as I would like to with Coaching and Leading. I've gotten wrapped up in the practical issues and sabotaged lists and plans that will help me reach my goals. Today I had a moment during coffee with a dear friend when I realized that I HAVEN'T DONE SOME OF THE WORK THAT I ASKED PEOPLE TO DO AT THE RETREAT.

It has always been easy for me to be the "teacher" or the "leader." To be the one offering support. It is harder to be the participant. To be answering the difficult questions. Looking at the reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging what is holding me back and letting it go. If I truly want to share what I have to offer with the world I have to do the work. I need to take the time to answer the hard questions. I need to listen to what my purpose here is. I need to allow my light to shine.

Over the next month I'm going to commit to sitting down and writing. Answering some of those questions and letting go of some of my fears and worries. I want to be a source of love and support and guidance to whoever comes to me seeking it. To do that I need stop pretending and truly believe that I have much to offer.

As I prepared for the retreat, I did think about what holds me back. One of those things is the fear that people will figure out I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's the thing. I know that I DO know what I'm talking about. But, like many of you, there is this little voice inside my head that says "why would anyone listen to you?" I've heard it called Imposter Syndrome lately and there are lots of resources speaking to this, but none of them have quite banished the idea from my thinking. I've tried to do it myself by intellectualizing it. "You have years of school and experience, of course you know what you're talking about!" "But you never finished your licensure - you don't have a certificate, or a stamp of approval! Why would anyone listen to you???" Can you hear the conversation?

What I often forget is that what I bring to the table is more than just education and experience. It is passion for the work that I do. It is a commitment to helping others love themselves and live their best lives. It is a voice deep in my gut that says "you have a light to share with a dark world. why would you hide it?" I haven't spoken much about my faith life as I tend to be fairly private about it. I'm Lutheran after all... I often find myself struggling with the idea that anyone is listening to me when I pray. I forget that I need to take time to listen back to hear the answers.

As I write more this month I'm going to try to listen more as well - to carve out time for prayer, meditation, whatever. Time to sit quietly without the noise of the world to interfere.
My purpose is clear. To love and guide. To encourage and challenge. My path is still meandering. Thanks for walking by my side.

The wheels are turning and the nights are sleepless

Since I last wrote, the wheels in my brain have been spinning! I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep when my brain gets busy and lately it's been busy a lot. I've been working through my empty house, creating new teaching space in a new location, mulling different ways to communicate the importance of Early Childhood Music and Movement to potential new families, trying to wrap my brain around the rapidly changing world of Social Media and how it pertains to marketing, creative budgeting so next month's tuition payment doesn't bounce, and on and on. That doesn't even touch on the middle of the night musings about 45, N.Korea, football, the National Anthem, patriotism etc.

I know that in order to sleep well, I need to have enough physical activity during the day, I need to not drink coffee after 2 pm, I need to step away from my phone and other screens about an hour before I go to bed AND I need to re-focus my brain by reading something completely unrelated to my work or current obsessions.

When I do all those things I generally sleep pretty well. When I don't, all bets are off. While I don't love the sleepless nights, I have to admit that sometimes that is when I am the most focused and productive if I just give in, get up and go to work. The quiet of the house and the silence of my phone make it easy to not get distracted. I don't want to wake up my husband or the dogs, so I don't get up and do things like unload the dishwasher, or choreograph large movement pieces for classes.

A week or so ago during one of those sleepless nights, I realized that I wasn't moving forward on the Coaching business in a way that felt authentic to me. I was trying to focus in on finding individual clients. I was focused on creating something completely different from the work I already do. In the quiet of the night, I knew that while Coaching is different than the work I do as a Music Together Director and Teacher, it doesn't have to be completely separate. In fact, I already use Coaching skills with parents in my classes and with my teachers.

As I started to explore those ideas I realized that one of the things I do well is facilitate groups. I love retreats. Why not create a retreat for women looking to explore what's next in their life? Spending a day (or a weekend) really digging in through the use of music, movement and other creative outlets. Discovering what holds us back and what we need to move forward. Discovering what brings us JOY and how to begin taking the steps to re-focus and move forward with living the life we want.

THIS feels authentic. THIS feels like me. Over the next few weeks I'll be working on planning the details and hopefully sharing them with you by November.
Please don't hesitate to be a part of this creative process. If you have ideas of things that you would find inspiring, comforting, engaging, or challenging let me know.  In the meantime, I will continue to post in The Nest and to blog here, moving myself and hopefully you, a few steps closer to joy.

Out of the Nest Coaching is a thing!

I'm too wound up to sleep at the moment, so I thought I'd pour out a few thoughts here! The last several months as I've been working on developing my ideas for a Coaching business have been exciting and terrifying at the same time. Once in a while I just laugh at myself because when I begin to doubt myself and have second thoughts, I'll come across something I wrote about taking chances and being courageous! I sometimes have to remember that I better "walk the walk if I'm going to talk the talk."

So much is converging right now. I'm launching Helen off to college. 2 weeks from today we leave CT to bring her and Katy to Luther College in Decorah, IA. Katy for her last year and Helen for her first. While I'm launching them I'm launching this newest venture. At the same time Fall is arguably the busiest time for my Music Together work as well. Perhaps loading myself up with tasks is a way of distracting myself from noticing the now 3 empty bedrooms... I can't say I'll miss the endless hours of driving children to various places, but I will miss the conversations and even the silence that took place in my tired minivan. There will be less laundry and fewer dishes. There will be fewer snacks in the house to spoil my healthy eating plan, and it will be so quiet. My son, who still lives in CT, has promised his Mama that we can do Sunday dinners at least a few times a month. That will help when it gets too quiet.

Right now I can honestly say it will all be fine. This is the purpose of parenting - to raise and launch the next generation. The generation who will save the world from the mistakes of those before. I'm confident that my children and many others I know, are going to be tomorrow's leaders. They are a generous, compassionate, fierce group of human beings who, despite the challenges they face, will rise and make our world kinder and better than we could ever imagine. They get climate change, and equality and social justice. They will be ready when this latest bubble of crazy pants people supposedly making decisions for all of us finally go the way of the dinosaur.

I could say all that if I could speak with the giant lump in my throat right now. 12 days from now my girls will return from Camp Calumet where they have been working all summer. 2 days after that we will pack the van and head to IA. I expect the lump I have right now to stay with me for much of the trip.

So many of my friends are in this same place right now. Some are sending their first to college, some their second, some their last... That empty nest is really here this time. I'm glad I can fill it up with new friends and ideas. The Nest will be a new place to engage in thoughtful conversation, give support and the occasional nudge. Knowing that there are those who will catch me if I fall makes it easy to let myself fly  - out of the nest. I hope you'll trust me to catch you when you're ready to join me.

which path?

I am an anticipator.  I'm always thinking about what's coming next.  I started a blog about emptying the nest at the beginning of a 10 year journey to launch my children.  I start thinking about the "next" project or program before the first one is done.  When I celebrated my 24th birthday I stressed about turning 25.  29, and 39 were tough too.
Being an anticipator fits with my tendency to be an idea person as well.  I HAVE GREAT IDEAS!  What happens with these ideas though is completely dependent on who is around me at the time.  If there are "doers" who are on board, amazing things can happen.  If I'm alone, or not clear that I need "doers" the ideas just sink back down and either re-surface later or disappear.
One idea has repeatedly re-surfaced for the last 20+ years.  I've probably blogged about it before.  Here I go again because it won't leave me alone!
I have imagined an amazing place where children, families, and individuals of all ages could come together to learn and grow using music, movement, theatre, play, and conversation.  I can see it.  I dream about it.  I've taken halting steps to make it a reality.  As soon as it starts to seem like it could happen, I get distracted (or scared) and let it drift away.
Right now I have a choice to make.  I can be brave and move forward in a clear focused way to assemble the people I need to make my vision a reality, or I can thank that same vision for inspiring me for so many years and let it go once and for all.
But which way to go?  There are implications on both sides.  If I move forward, it will mean a lot of work, financial risk, probably some compromise, being very vulnerable and quite possibly failure.  It could also become one of the most amazing experiences of my life and become a place that brings tremendous value to my community and the people in it.
If I say goodbye to it, there is no risk,  life continues as it is. Aside from constantly stressing about finances, my life is pretty amazing, and finances can be worked on to reduce that stress, so not a bad choice. There is the risk of disappointing the people who I've told about my vision, but I've disappointed people before and I'm sure I will again.  After 47 years I'm getting better at not beating myself up for this, but it's still hard. It would also mean that I will never know if my dream of 20 years could have become real.  I will never know what my legacy could have been.
I read this and think it's kind of a no-brainier.
It's just not that simple.  Finances are a stressor and I can't expand my business without resources and financial risk.  I also have a child in High School who is really struggling with some tough issues and who needs her mom to be available.  I'm starting to think about what retirement might actually be like and instead of imagining perpetual boredom, the idea of reading, puttering in the garden and singing sounds lovely.  Do I really want to ramp it all up now?
Maybe there are "doers" reading this who are ready to dive in with me and get to work.  Maybe not.  Maybe you're saying to yourself "sounds good Jane. Have fun with that."  I have a list of doers in my brain.  Maybe you're on it.  Maybe I'll send you a message. Maybe I won't.  If you send me a message I might be more likely to "do" something, even if it's just meet for coffee.
Now it's back to life where the paths diverge.  Which way to go?

Shining a light on some Mama's

It's Monday morning.  I made my list and now I'm ignoring it.  The need to write and process life is feeling too strong.  I guess just like rules are made to be broken, lists are made to be ignored.

The last few weeks have been filled with sadness ~ four lovely women gone, 3 of them too soon, one gone peacefully.  Riots, violence, Nepal, nastiness in the news.  On and on.  It can overwhelm the heart and soul. I've struggled with blogging, because it has seemed like so much of what's on my mind is dark and heavy.
The sun is shining, life is amazing in so many ways, and yet I'm so sad.  Sometimes a hug, a deep breath, and thinking of someone else is the only thing that can lift me out of darkness.
I'm getting really good at deep breaths after 22 years of being a mama, and I get more hugs in my life than anyone deserves, so it's time to think of someone else.
A post on Facebook inspired me to focus my blogging for now on those who have touched me or my family in special ways. The world spends so much time watching and focusing on the darkness and the violence and I'm tired of it. My focus for a while will be on the amazing people who make my world and my family's world beautiful.

With Mother's Day approaching, I want to shine a light on a few of the many "Mama's" who have shown me the way.
My Mama, Juanita, has taught me so much from the beginning. Always there but never intrusive or overly directive, she taught me how to be present for my children without dominating them.  I remember in Junior High and High School, coming home from school so many times, yelling down the basement to say hello (she would be doing laundry or something!), and then not seeing her until dinner, but I KNEW SHE WAS THERE.  I was a very dramatic, emotional kid and while I'm sure I overwhelmed my Mama at times, she never let it show.  I grew up with a rock.  Even when we made each other nutty, I never doubted that she loved me and was there anytime I needed her.  Hundreds of miles away this still holds true today.  I'm sure that some of my life choices have left her questioning, but for the most part she has trusted me to follow my path and kept her doubts to herself.  As my own children begin forging their paths in the world, I hope I can do the same.
My Mother-in-Law, Noreen, came into my life when I was still so young.  Getting married at 23 felt a little like playing house.  While my MIL is very different from my Mama, she also taught me so much about being a wife and a mother and a woman.  She loved me from the beginning because I loved her son.  She would share her advice and opinions freely, but would support us even when we disagreed.  As someone who is not particularly good at organizing my household and my life, I learned so much over the years about juggling work and family.  I continue to relish my relationship with my MIL and again hope that I will be as gracious and loving to the future life partners of my children as she has been to me.
One more Mama who helped me find my way is my dear friend Julie~  I met Julie in graduate school and while the time we were in close contact was short, just a few years, she continues to be one of those Mama-friends I have thought of often over the years, and on those rare occasions we are able to talk or see each other, the years melt away and it's as if we've never been apart.
What I learned from Julie about being a Mama was how to own my power and my voice.  From pregnancy and birth choices, to breastfeeding, cloth diapering, questioning everything.... she opened my eyes to the power of listening to my body, my babies, and my heart.  She helped me find my voice as a Mama bear and those early lessons of being mama's together shaped so many of the decisions I've made over the past 22 years.  Being a Mama isn't easy and having women around you who trust and value you as a Mama and a woman is an amazing gift.
I hope I have been and will continue to be a guide, friend and support to the many Mama's I cross path's with. The Mama's who have guided me will always be in my heart. Sadly women can be so hard on each other. Finding ways to support and hold up each other regardless of the choices we make as women and mothers would go a long way to strengthening our power and our ability to raise strong healthy children.  Isn't that how we will ultimately make the world a better place?

Choices, obstacles and getting out of my own way

Yesterday I read a blog post of a friend of mine, gaylestales.blogspot.com, and was inspired to think about my own choices.  Like me, Gayle has a small business of her own and while it's a different kind of business, we have similar freedoms and restrictions that come with being a small business owner.

As a small business owner I choose whether to grow my business or not.  I choose when I work and when I don't.  I choose whether I hire others or do it myself.  There's a lot of choices.  Sometimes I wish I had a boss so I didn't have to make all the choices.

I have a 6 month cycle that I seem to follow ~  for 6 months I'm energized and focused and full of ideas and passion for building and growing my little music and arts community.  Then for 6 months I slide down, forgetting to follow up on ideas, make things happen, follow through.

This has gone on for years now.   I'm certain it is irritating to many of those close to me.  It makes me crazy!  I end up in the same place each time.  "If only I had a partner who liked the business side of things."  "If only I had some capital to invest in growing."  "If only..."  If only I put on my big girl pants and got out of my own way.

I think I'm afraid of some of the choices I'm faced with.  Figuring out why is the hard part.  I routinely come back to the big question:  Do I really dive in and grow my business or do I accept how it is now and maintain it?  The answer has almost always been DIVE IN!  The ideas start flowing, the energy gets going and then...

"Look, there's a chicken!"  The distractions begin.  The "what if's?" join in.  The "I don't know how to do that" starts up.  One by one the ideas and the energy get diverted into other things.  The list of excuses grows and grows.

The worst thing that would happen if I really committed to growing my business and making my vision a reality is that it wouldn't grow and I'd have what I have now.  A sweet, lovely little business that needs a little financial attention.  Not the worst thing in the world.

But what if I really did it this time?  What if I got out of my own way and actually did the things on the list?  What if I found the people to help with the tasks I hate and then actually gave them the power to do them?  What if I stood up, behaved like the smart, energetic, passionate small business owner I am and allowed my ideas and energy to come together to grow the vibrant music and arts community I see in my dreams?

I would have to make the choice to believe in myself.  I think that's the most difficult one.  I don't know why.  I'll add it to my list and maybe figure it out tomorrow.

afraid to lead

How do I expect my children to take on the world when I'm afraid to do the same?  Maybe they'll teach me.  I'm ready to really dig in and grow my business, but I'm dragging my feet.  I know what I need to do, I'm just AFRAID to do it.  Why?  not sure...

My middle child is 17 today.  Her cousin is 16 today.  These two young women are AMAZING!  They have the potential to truly change the world.  They are smart, passionate, COMpassionate, talented, beautiful WOMEN.

I want them to see me and the other women around them as powerful agents of change whether we are in the boardroom or the kitchen.  I want them to see and know women who OWN their role as leaders. I am thankful that they are both surrounded by just such women.  I'm grateful that they each have a community surrounding them with love and encouragement.

I want to be one of those women too.  I know that I actually am in my daughter's eyes.  I wish I was as confident about my role as a powerful woman as she is.  I want to be as amazing as she thinks I am.  I want to learn from her fearlessness and own my role as a leader in the world.

I want to stop talking about the things I want to do and just DO THEM.

Happy Birthday Katy and Anna~ I wish you life, love, happiness and confidence.  You WILL change the world for the better.  In fact, you already have.

Do you ever grow up?

This week I've been obsessed with what I'm going to be when I grow up.  I'm 44.  I've been a Therapist, a Youth Services Coordinator, a Mom and an Early Childhood Music Specialist.  I've loved all these roles for different reasons (ok I didn't really love being a Therapist, but it was nice to "help" people).
As much as I love my current work teaching Music Together, and I must love it as I'm in my 12th year, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Katy (child number 2) spent last weekend visiting her one and only college choice.  If she could go tomorrow she would.  Even if she could graduate early and go, I've told her she can't until after her senior year.  I'm not ready for her to move across the country yet.
I think watching her go through the process of diving into what her future might bring, makes me wonder about my own.  Here are the random thoughts that fly through my over active brain in the wee hours of the night:

~Am I using my gifts?
~Am I using my education?
~Should I have stayed in the "professional" world?
~Am I contributing to my family enough?
~Am I contributing to the world enough?
~Am I making enough $ to help send my children to college?
~Why can't I be satisfied with the wonderful work I get to do?
~How do I figure out what I'm supposed to do?
~Do other women lie awake asking these questions?

I love my work, I love my life, I love my friends and family.  Why am I not satisfied?

I want to change the world in a BIG way.  Not being accepted to graduate school last year was a big ego blow.  I don't actually think it was the right direction after all, but being "rejected" was tough to swallow.  I have a strong voice and strong opinions and I'm smart.  It's taken me a long time to say that out loud.  I don't want to sound full of myself, but I am in fact a strong, smart woman and I want to be a good model for my children (especially my daughters) of how women can change the world.

Is raising great kids and impacting on individual children and families through my work enough, or am I supposed to do more?  I think I'm supposed to do more, but I don't know what yet and it's making me a little crazy!
Maybe if I re-focused on the immediate tasks at hand - decorating for the holidays, advertising for the winter semester of classes, laundry, lesson-planning - the answers will come.

Being a Creative Entrepreneur...

Having been self-employed for almost 12 years now, I find myself wondering once in a while what it would be like to have a boss who gave me tasks to complete with deadlines and clear instructions of what my "job" is.  There are times when the the idea of having someone tell me what to do and how to do it sounds so appealing!!!
I think that I'm over my current longing for this kind of structure though.  There's a reason I've been self-employed for so long and maybe if I stop fighting it and embrace it I'll figure out what "it" is.  There are huge advantages to being my own boss and from a purely practical standpoint, I've done pretty well while being available to raise my children.
I recently came across a book called "The Creative Entrepreneur" by Lisa Sonora Beam.  I'm intrigued by it.  It's a DIY guide to visual journaling as an alternative to the more traditional ways that small businesses are guided.  I've never actually had a "business plan" because any template or guide I've ever found to creating one has been so linear and I'm not a linear thinker.  I'm interested to see how the process she guides the reader through might help me focus my quest for clarity about my purpose in life.
Lately I've been running into, finding time for, crossing paths with,  or otherwise having conversations with a number of women of varying backgrounds and ages, who all seem to be so wise.  I've been thinking about how we as women could be (should be) guides for each other through life.  Women have so much power and so much wisdom, but we don't own it or share it the way we should.   I see posts about parenting choices or overhear conversations about the same and it often seems to be adversarial in nature.  An "If you don't do it my way..." kind of thing.  I get this and I don't.  I understand how it can be difficult to talk about topics as personal as birthing, breastfeeding or not, sleep sharing or not, with someone who disagrees with you.  What I don't get is why can't we "talk" about it?  Why can't it be a conversation instead of an argument?  We just might learn things from each other even if it is only a deeper commitment to the choices we have made because we've had to explain them.
As a woman and a mother of girls, I want to share the wisdom I've gained over the years with my daughters and anyone who wants to hear it.  Keeping the things I've learned including the mistakes I've made to myself seems selfish, but it seems equally narcissistic to think that anyone really cares about my experiences...
"Wise Woman for hire"... I wonder if there is any market for that?

now it's time for a rant...

I am by nature an optimistic, forgiving person.  I am inclined to ALWAYS give the benefit of the doubt and I never assume someone has done something hurtful intentionally.  Over the years, this way of being has led to a lovely life filled with many lovely girlfriends (see previous post!).  I'm lucky.  I've surrounded myself by and large with women who, whether they agree with me or not, support my choices in life, particularly as they have related to raising my children.  As kids get older, I think this can sometimes be easier; the choices are wider and more ambiguous and many of them aren't really our choices but our children's.
I'm working on a project related to my work and young mothers.  This has brought be back to a world of reading and researching on mothering infants and babies - even back to pregnancy.  Being immersed back in this world is reminding me how absolutely ridiculous and MEAN women can be to each other when they have made different choices.  It's also reminded me that not all choices ARE equal and maybe that's why some of us devolve into vicious, judgemental, "mean girls" in grown up bodies.
Here comes rant number 1, so if you're not up for it here's your chance to leave...

I keep seeing and hearing obnoxious media stories about women being harrassed about breastfeeding in public.  ENOUGH ALREADY!  Breasts are designed to feed babies. Breastmilk is uniquely designed for not only babies, but for YOUR baby.  Yes there are situations where breastfeeding is not possible, but not as many as you would think.  A great number of women who don't breastfeed may have if they had a number of things:  Accurate information, support to take the time necessary to "learn" how to do it, PATIENCE, healthy diets, a nation that supports families in caring for their very youngest children with paid maternity leave and health professionals who are well trained.
If you weren't able to breastfeed your baby for whatever reason, I'm sorry.  If you chose not to do so and made that choice based on accurate information and made the decision that was best for you and your family, more power to you.  If you didn't breastfeed because you didn't have the support, information and nurturance you need to be successful, shame on the rest of us for not being there.
There is no disputing that Breastmilk is superior to formula.  Study after study after study has established this fact.  Yes, there are times when an alternative has been essential, but breastfeeding is why we have survived as a species as long as we have.  It is a convenient, perfect food for the young of our species.  It nourishes not only the physical, but emotional development of the baby AND the mother.  It bonds women to their children in a unique way and teaches mother's how to read and respond to THEIR child.  There is also a reason that the longer you breastfeed (cumulatively), the lower your risk of breast cancer.  IT'S WHAT THEY ARE FOR.  We cause problems biologically when we mess with nature.
Ultimately, what makes me crazy is not the choices that women and families make about how to feed their babies (really not my business!) but when I hear over and over how it's disgusting or inconvenient or gross to breastfeed.  What if I walked up to someone bottle feeding and said "How can you put that disgusting chemical formula into your baby? How gross ~ it makes me uncomfortable, you should hide that away so I don't have to look at it!"  "Here, cover that thing up," or "The restroom is around the corner, maybe you can do it in private."
These are the things that breastfeeding women hear.  We show breasts (real and artificial) on billboards, in videos and movies, on beaches, EVERYWHERE.  We glorify breasts as sexual objects, but god forbid a woman uses them the way they are designed and we see her breast.
ENOUGH already!  If you see a woman breastfeed and you don't want to see her breast, DON'T LOOK.
If you are a breastfeeding woman and have felt compelled to "hide" either in a private room or under one of those ridiculous "bibs" (I apologize if you use and like them, but they reinforce the idea that there is something wrong going on that should be hidden!), be proud and strong and call me if you need someone to come and fight for you, because I'll be there.  The more we "see" women nursing their babies, the more normal it becomes.  When children see mother's breastfeeding, they don't see "yuck" they see "huh, wonder what's going on?" This can lead to a conversation about how this all works.  That's what women should be doing for each other ~ not gossiping or judging our different choices, but standing up for and defending each other and all of the decisions and choices we make because we are in it together.  Let's make it better for our daughters so they can embrace their amazing bodies and make choices based on facts, not biases.

This is just the beginning.... I have a list of rants in my brain that have been percolating behind my "don't say anything that might hurt someone's feelings or make someone feel bad" filter.  I've decided I won't apologize.  If you don't like it, don't read it.

true confessions

Now that I've started writing, I have a lot to say ~ not sure if that's good or not, but I guess it's your choice to read it or not.
I started my grown up life as a Marriage and Family Therapist. I decided rquickly that it wasn't the right job for me. I was like a sponge soaking in people's pain and hate and misery and then I'd go home and squeeze it all over my sweet husband. He would patiently clean up the mess and then we'd move on.
Youth Services was a better fit ~ a balance of time with families and positive youth development work. Thought I just might have found my calling! Then baby number 3 came along and it just didn't work anymore.
After 6 years juggling babies and career, I was diving into being a SAHM (stay at home mom). I think it lasted for 6 months before I was planning my next career.
Fell into a teacher training for Music Together and thought "this will be fun for a few years!"
When I celebrated 10 years of teaching MT, I thought "I HAVE found my calling!"
Until the next week when I started to think, "What's next? I should be doing more. I want to do more."
So then, I apply to the PhD program at UConn where I did my Master's work. Whoo hoo!! Back to academia; I'll be a professor by the time Helen graduates High School!
Only, there were more qualified candidates and my application was rejected. Crap.

I love my work, I love my family, and I'm ridiculously blessed to be able to live the life I live.
Why do I always want more?