the work

I can't believe my last blog entry was in November! I've blogged about all kinds of things over the past 2 months in my head~ clearly I never actually typed anything up. From November through the holidays, I was on the hamster wheel - traveling, working, decorating, entertaining, having a full house, and on and on. Life was a little out of balance - temporary for sure, but still out of balance. There was no time for quiet. Many bits and pieces (including writing!) got forgotten.
I need quiet. I need to write. So over the last month the house emptied out and the travel was over for now. There has been lots of quiet, but no writing.

Sometimes, especially in the dark of winter, I just need to go through the motions. If I think too much I can go to dark, sad places. I get absorbed in the sadness and anger that is in the world and I feel responsibility to make it all better. This month, I cared for myself. I went to the gym and worked hard. I snuggled on the couch with the dogs and the husband and watched television and movies. I read. I made lists and checked off "tasks." The thinking I did allow myself to do was all around preparing for my first day long retreat "Refocus for the New Year."

At the retreat we explored the things that get in our way. The issues and "baggage" that keep us from moving forward with our lives. It was a powerful morning for me, witnessing the "stuff" of life that keeps us trapped. The afternoon was about moving forward and different strategies that can be helpful. It was a good day all around.

I've been frustrated over the past several months that I haven't moved forward as fast as I would like to with Coaching and Leading. I've gotten wrapped up in the practical issues and sabotaged lists and plans that will help me reach my goals. Today I had a moment during coffee with a dear friend when I realized that I HAVEN'T DONE SOME OF THE WORK THAT I ASKED PEOPLE TO DO AT THE RETREAT.

It has always been easy for me to be the "teacher" or the "leader." To be the one offering support. It is harder to be the participant. To be answering the difficult questions. Looking at the reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging what is holding me back and letting it go. If I truly want to share what I have to offer with the world I have to do the work. I need to take the time to answer the hard questions. I need to listen to what my purpose here is. I need to allow my light to shine.

Over the next month I'm going to commit to sitting down and writing. Answering some of those questions and letting go of some of my fears and worries. I want to be a source of love and support and guidance to whoever comes to me seeking it. To do that I need stop pretending and truly believe that I have much to offer.

As I prepared for the retreat, I did think about what holds me back. One of those things is the fear that people will figure out I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's the thing. I know that I DO know what I'm talking about. But, like many of you, there is this little voice inside my head that says "why would anyone listen to you?" I've heard it called Imposter Syndrome lately and there are lots of resources speaking to this, but none of them have quite banished the idea from my thinking. I've tried to do it myself by intellectualizing it. "You have years of school and experience, of course you know what you're talking about!" "But you never finished your licensure - you don't have a certificate, or a stamp of approval! Why would anyone listen to you???" Can you hear the conversation?

What I often forget is that what I bring to the table is more than just education and experience. It is passion for the work that I do. It is a commitment to helping others love themselves and live their best lives. It is a voice deep in my gut that says "you have a light to share with a dark world. why would you hide it?" I haven't spoken much about my faith life as I tend to be fairly private about it. I'm Lutheran after all... I often find myself struggling with the idea that anyone is listening to me when I pray. I forget that I need to take time to listen back to hear the answers.

As I write more this month I'm going to try to listen more as well - to carve out time for prayer, meditation, whatever. Time to sit quietly without the noise of the world to interfere.
My purpose is clear. To love and guide. To encourage and challenge. My path is still meandering. Thanks for walking by my side.

Deep breaths...

For much of the past year, I've felt like we were living in some bizarre reality show. There have been times when I've seriously thought that life in the time of Trump has just been some crazy social experiment to see what people would do when faced with an insane leader.
Unfortunately, it is what it is. I have spent hours raging against the complete and utter idiocy of 45 and those who support him. I've despaired over the increasingly loud voices of those who hate and ridicule and blame people different from them for the crappy state of their life. The amount of energy that I (and so many of you!) have spent trying to keep up with the tweets and temper tantrums and lies is overwhelming.

Today while scrolling through Facebook I came across the following article How to Stay Sane if Trump is Driving you Insane: Advice from a Therapist. It was just what I needed to read this morning.
Using the therapeutic method of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), the author, Robin Chancer, takes us through the following steps;

1) Radical Acceptance and Dialectical Thinking, and 
2) Attention is Everything.

Having had some exposure to DBT I am even more impressed with it's potential applications to everyday life!

Radical Acceptance - Coming to grips with the reality of what is and recognizing what we can and cannot change. While the reality is that 45 is currently the President and I can't do anything about that, I can support those who are attempting to hold him accountable for his actions and I can take action steps like calling my representatives and sharing my perspective with them. I can join in solidarity with my brothers and sisters when there are opportunities to protest. I can speak openly on social media and share information and perspectives that might help others stay informed. I cannot, however,  make anyone else change their minds

Dialectical Thinking - People are crazy complex! We are both good and bad, selfish and selfless. It can be so easy to paint others as "bad" or "wrong" but in reality, they are people like us. As much as I would like to suggest that 45 is evil incarnate, he is human and just might have some redeeming qualities. I don't know what they are, but it does me no good to refuse to acknowledge his humanity. It's also true that while we might work for good, there is no guarantee that our efforts will pay off. We might campaign for reasonable gun control, but because of factors out of our current control, we don't get the result we want. We can stomp and pound and pull our hair out, but sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we will not be successful.
Finally, we are responsible for our world! We can say "God has a plan," or "everything works out in the end," or "you can't change fate," but the truth is, we are responsible. I sometimes think of the idea that we are "God's hands." Whatever you believe, we must take an active role in creating the world we want to live in and leave to our children. While we cannot control others, we can control ourselves and how we interact with and contribute to humanity.

Attention is Everything - Mindfulness. The author describes this as "the art of shifting attention." I love that! If my attention is completely focused on the ways that the world is falling apart, I'm ignoring the unbelievable beauty that is out there! While our current leaders are failing to accomplish much of anything, and there seems to be an increase in racist, nationalistic, misogynistic behavior, there is also a dramatic uptick in giving, protesting, sharing and defending. #metoo has brought about a flood of stories from women of all ages and the Pandora's Box that is the shame we feel around sexual harassment and assault might never be closed again. Re-directing our attention away from the horrible things that are happening won't make them go away, but neither will staying obsessively focused on them. Shining a light on the positive things happening brings attention where attention is due. The more we support and share those "good" things we see and hear, the better we feel and the more we can impact on the world in a positive way. We become proactive rather than reactive.

It can be so easy to feel hopeless and helpless. On a personal level I can get sucked in so quickly to all of the YUCK. When I pull myself out of the pit and remember a few simple things, I find the sun is brighter and the world is better.

1) I cannot control anything other than myself and my actions.

2) People are inherently good and at the same time we are all flawed.

3) I have a responsibility to play my part in this world we live in. 
           I AM NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness or success.

4) Focusing my attention on the positive actions of myself and others is always more powerful 
            that focusing it on the negative. 

5) The more the darkness intrudes the brighter I will shine my light.

Read the whole article if you like. It really is powerful. If you find yourself wallowing, consider thinking through the ideas above and see if you feel differently. I did.

The wheels are turning and the nights are sleepless

Since I last wrote, the wheels in my brain have been spinning! I'm one of those people that doesn't sleep when my brain gets busy and lately it's been busy a lot. I've been working through my empty house, creating new teaching space in a new location, mulling different ways to communicate the importance of Early Childhood Music and Movement to potential new families, trying to wrap my brain around the rapidly changing world of Social Media and how it pertains to marketing, creative budgeting so next month's tuition payment doesn't bounce, and on and on. That doesn't even touch on the middle of the night musings about 45, N.Korea, football, the National Anthem, patriotism etc.

I know that in order to sleep well, I need to have enough physical activity during the day, I need to not drink coffee after 2 pm, I need to step away from my phone and other screens about an hour before I go to bed AND I need to re-focus my brain by reading something completely unrelated to my work or current obsessions.

When I do all those things I generally sleep pretty well. When I don't, all bets are off. While I don't love the sleepless nights, I have to admit that sometimes that is when I am the most focused and productive if I just give in, get up and go to work. The quiet of the house and the silence of my phone make it easy to not get distracted. I don't want to wake up my husband or the dogs, so I don't get up and do things like unload the dishwasher, or choreograph large movement pieces for classes.

A week or so ago during one of those sleepless nights, I realized that I wasn't moving forward on the Coaching business in a way that felt authentic to me. I was trying to focus in on finding individual clients. I was focused on creating something completely different from the work I already do. In the quiet of the night, I knew that while Coaching is different than the work I do as a Music Together Director and Teacher, it doesn't have to be completely separate. In fact, I already use Coaching skills with parents in my classes and with my teachers.

As I started to explore those ideas I realized that one of the things I do well is facilitate groups. I love retreats. Why not create a retreat for women looking to explore what's next in their life? Spending a day (or a weekend) really digging in through the use of music, movement and other creative outlets. Discovering what holds us back and what we need to move forward. Discovering what brings us JOY and how to begin taking the steps to re-focus and move forward with living the life we want.

THIS feels authentic. THIS feels like me. Over the next few weeks I'll be working on planning the details and hopefully sharing them with you by November.
Please don't hesitate to be a part of this creative process. If you have ideas of things that you would find inspiring, comforting, engaging, or challenging let me know.  In the meantime, I will continue to post in The Nest and to blog here, moving myself and hopefully you, a few steps closer to joy.

true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

Out of the Nest and into the World

May 31st my middle chick turned 21. June 12th my oldest chick turns 24. June 13th my youngest chick graduates from HS. Chick number 1 lives on his own. Chick number 2 will be home for just over a week before heading to NH for the summer and then back to IA for her Senior year of college. Chick number 3 leaves the end of June for NH and then to IA to begin college.

By the end of June my nest will be empty. Aside from visits home and perhaps a few months here or there when they need a place to "land," my chicks will be launched.

This whole blog began 6 or so years ago when Chick number 1 was a Senior in HS. When I look back I realize what an amazing journey it has been! I have grown and changed more since my children began their transition to adulthood than I ever imagined I would. My attitude towards life, politics, parenting and myself has grown-up along with them. I am both more AND less tolerant. I am more careful with my words, but more willing to share those I choose. I am more patient with children who are learning how to be in the world and less patient with grown-ups who don't know how to behave in the world. Mostly I love and appreciate myself and my life more and more everyday. I feel more responsibility to my local community and the worldwide community.

When I began writing it was about launching my children and myself into the world. Now I'm ready to share what I've learned to help others do the same.

I look forward to transforming the focus of Out of the Nest to helping other women both settle in to feel safe and supported, as well as brave and strong enough to jump out into the world when they are ready. I will be there to jump with you or to catch you.

Ready?

Don't mess with the Mama

In our backyard we have a pavilion - picture a 3 bay carport with a fireplace at one end. It sounds like an awesome outdoor living space, but really it's on it's last legs. What it does best is house the 10-12 nests that are built in it each Spring.

Every Spring my husband fights a losing battle with the Mama birds. They build the nests, he takes them down, they rebuild them faster and quickly lay their eggs. Before you know it there are baby birds cheeping away and I won't let him take the nests down anymore.

Those Mamas are a force to be reckoned with! They are absolutely confident that their nests belong in the eaves and no matter what happens they successfully launch dozens of baby birds every year!

As I'm working on developing my focus as a coach, I find myself looking more and more at ways to empower and strengthen women. Right now in our world it can seem terrifying to be a woman. The current political climate threatens to pull us backward. At the same time it is so exciting as more and more women are finding the confidence and strength to jump into the political fray. I'm confident that the current assault on women's rights and protections is a last gasp from an old guard. 

Women are like those mama birds; persistent and determined. No matter how many times we are pushed back, we will come back stronger than ever. We will become more efficient and connected. We will support each other, sharing ideas and resources to lift everyone up instead of stepping on others to move ourselves ahead.

This is the community I want to build. One that supports and empowers. One that reaches out to women of all demographics to give them confidence and support to trust themselves as they create a life for themselves and their families that feels good.

It's time for us to stop following rules that make no sense. It's time for us to create work and family structures that make sense in our world today, not try to fit into ones that worked 50 years ago. It's time to ask the question "why?" whenever someone says "because that's how we do it" or "because that's the rule." It's time for us to stand together as a community to make the world better for everyone, not just the privileged few at the top. Don't mess with the Mama.... She is stronger and more determined that you will every know.

First one out of the nest!

Three baby birds hungry to grow....

Time has passed and #1 is ready to fly solo!

Today I'm thinking of all the ways my life has changed because of these little ones.  So funny to call them little ones as they have all passed me up, but in my heart they will always be my babies.

22 years ago today I became a Mama.  While I was more prepared than many, you are never really ready to meet the one who will transform you.  I had always loved babies and been good with them.  I had read every book under the sun and was surrounded by a support system to be envious of.


22 years ago this morning I had already been in labor for 16 hours.  Back labor in a hospital where my birth plan was being ignored, my wishes were being ignored, and my husband and best friend were doing their best to give me what I needed without getting themselves kicked out of the labor and delivery room.  I was so young, but had prepared myself to have this baby the way I wanted to. While I was struggling to keep it together, I was having to defend myself from hospital bullies.  NO, I don't want to breathe that way, I learned THIS WAY! NO, a resident cannot check my progress, only my Doctor.  NO, I don't want an epidural for the millionth time. NO, I don't want to lie on my back. NO my husband may not leave my side. NO I will not be quiet!  I'm in labor and will yell if I want! NO NO NO NO

After 20 or so hours where despite their best efforts to suggest otherwise, this little nugget was still doing fine and while he wasn't interested in joining the world just yet, was in no distress. I agreed to an epidural so I could sleep.  After a rest, the pace picked up and after 28 hours of back labor, I gave birth to my firstborn.  I was exhausted, starving and so happy to meet him.  I had also learned that I was a force to be reckoned with.  So many mama's were and are manipulated and bullied into procedures and medications that they don't want or need.  After my experience with Andrew, I became an advocate for INFORMATION.  If someone knows all the information and makes the educated decision to have this or that medication or procedure, good.  As long as they have the information.  This was my birth and my child. Given the facts it was my right to decide how to proceed.  Doctors are not God and I learned at that point not to treat them as such.

 Every step of the way with this guy taught me to question and challenge and inquire and keep seeking the answers.  When I had trouble nursing him, we kept working at it and found the support we needed.  When we were looking for the right daycare setting for him we listened and watched his reactions until we found the right fit.
In third grade our sunny, happy boy was becoming surly and withdrawn.  We listened to him, pulled him out of school and spent a year learning together until we found a new school that was a better fit.
For a while in Middle School and High School I stopped listening. I was busier with my work, he had two sisters who demanded my attention and he was moving into adolescence where kids need to figure it out on their own.  Sometimes I wish I had paid closer attention.  There were times when it might have been better to step in had I been "listening."

The path my compassionate, tie-dye loving, hula-hooping, long-boarding, forest loving boy has chosen is different than the one I might have imagined for him.  There are moments when I think "why can't he just wear khaki's and a button down shirt and be a professional of some sort or other."  Those moments pass quickly though because that's not who Jeff and I raised.  We raised a boy who is so kind and compassionate. We raised a boy who refuses to accept the status quo if he believes it is wrong. We raised a boy who does his research, gets the information and then makes his decisions based on that, not on what everyone else is doing. We raised a boy who has no patience for stupidity.  He has made choices we don't always agree with, but takes 100% responsibility for them all and respects us for the choices we make even when he disagrees with us.

I have no idea where his journey will take him.  I do know that I want to always be listening and paying attention, just in case he needs me.  Actually, I may have learned more from him, so perhaps just as he was my teacher 22 years ago, he will continue to teach me into the future.

Either way I know that I am so proud of the young man he has become and am looking forward to his visits home to the "nest".

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"
                                   Robert Munsch

Who are you and what did you do with my wife?

My husband said that to me this past weekend.  He is both mystified and entertained by my increasing levels of energy, focus and jobs completed.  Let's face it.  I have been a life long procrastinator.  I have spent most of my adult life starting one thing and getting distracted and moving on to the next.  Most things eventually get done, but only the ones I'm really interested in.
Our 15 year old can stretch a 30 minute task into a 3 day project.  She learned from a master.

JUST DO IT

This has been my New Year's resolution.  Taking charge of my health and wellness is rippling over into the rest of my life and it's kind of amazing.  The more I pay attention to what I'm eating, making sure I'm getting real exercise in, and hanging out with my HappyLight each morning for a bit, the more ready I am for the challenges of the day.

I think I've also decided that multi-tasking is a load of crap.  Each morning I've been sitting down and taking 5 minutes to make a list - not my old "to-do list", but a specific hourly list.  When I really need help staying focused I set the alarm on my phone to ding me each hour so I can see where I'm at and stay on track.  This is particularly helpful when I am working at home.  Each hour I take a minute to check in on my day.  At the end of the day I take 5 more minutes to see what needs to be taken care of the next day.  That's it.  I just ordered the book that this strategy came from and am looking forward to the next step.

18 Minutes: Find Your Focus, Master Distraction, and Get the Right Things Done    Peter Bregman

Here's the thing.  I am an Idea Person.  I am an Originator.  I am a Dreamer.  I am a Creator.  These are all amazing things to be.  However, as one who works mostly independently, it means I have a lot of great ideas and projects etc. that NEVER GET DONE.  

This is the year they get done or dismissed.  I'm working to create structures that help bring me back to earth a little bit as a doer, or a pragmatist, by making my lists and actually getting things done.  I'm also ready to bring other's into my business world and really begin to create and grow my little Music and Arts Community into something that I can be super proud of.

I feel like the 20-something energizer bunny has re-surfaced and is meeting the 40-something wise woman and the potential to rock the world is kind of exciting.  I think my husband is in shock.

Christmas time is here...

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all the children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

This is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  I never get tired of it.  The meaning has changed over the years for me though and this year my soul responds more than ever to the melancholy tune of the song.  I'm sure it's been analyzed to death and I know that one of the reasons Charlie Brown and his friends endure is that they are so much more than characters in a cartoon storyline for kids.  

Christmas is changing for us this year in many ways.  It is the first year one of our children will be away from us~ Katy will be with the Luther Swim and Dive team in San Diego.  It is an awesome opportunity for her to really "dive" in to her sport and connect on a deeper level with her teammates.  We are lucky enough to have best friends who will be in Southern California with family so she will spend Christmas Eve and Day with them.

Andrew is in a house this year with people he really enjoys and will just be with us for a few short days.  

Helen and Jeff and I will head to Canada for a few days to see grandparents and cousins, but it will be quick and there will be some empty seats.

I just re-read that line and feel almost ashamed.  My empty seats are temporary.  Another holiday, another family trip or dinner, they will be full again.  What about the seats at the tables of the families in Sandy Hook?  What about the tables of the families of the police officers in Brooklyn?  There are thousands of seats that are empty forever because a vocal minority thinks that their right to own guns designed to kill people is more important than a human life.  

During this season of Advent and Christmas we are all waiting for something.  Those of us who celebrate the birth of Christ wait and watch.  We anticipate the birth of the Christ Child come to bring light back to a dark world.  Those who celebrate a secular Christmas wait and prepare for a time of giving and celebrating ~ they celebrate the light too, just with a different focus.  With the passing of the Winter Solstice, we embrace the reality that our days will get longer and the sunlight will return to us.  We all wait.

As my children grow and go out into the world, I will always wait for them to come home.  Their seats at the table will be there waiting for them.  I will always feel some relief when my table is full.  The families who have empty chairs that will never be filled again?  I hold them in my heart and I promise that I will continue to speak on their behalf.  I will continue to argue on the side of common sense and justice and kindness.  I will stand with those who will remember the faces of ones who will never come home and I will love them.

Waiting for my children to come home is pretty passive though.  I can simply wait and welcome them when they are here.  I can make it a welcoming place to come, but in the end, as they grow, they decide when to come take their place at the table.  I watch and wait.  

Waiting for Christmas and the symbolic celebrations involved can be passive to.  We are actively involved in all the "fluff" around the celebrations, shopping, baking, wrapping, but waiting for the days to grow longer, or waiting to be reminded of the birth of the Christ Child is passive.

Watching and waiting can be good in a way, but sometimes action is better.  We need to be actively loving others and bringing light to the world.  We are the light.  We must be the light.  We are called to be the light. When do we own our power to light up our world with love and kindness?  To hold those who are suffering?  Feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless.  

Being a light in a dark world can be hard work, but it's better than watching the darkness spread.  

Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

Hold your breath and jump!

This is a big weekend.  I'm both excited and terrified.  I'm not a thrill seeker - I don't like roller coasters or other activities that put my physical self in danger.  When my children were small though, I discovered that while I was not a thrill seeker, I LOVED seeing my children take risks and succeed.

When Andrew was about 2 we went to a playground nearby and he kept heading for this giant climbing thing.  I kept following him and taking him off.  "It's too big!"  He was persistent though and at some point I let him climb, staying nearby to "spot" him.  Wouldn't you know he made it to the top by himself and the look on his face was PRICELESS.  As he grew he continued to explore things like trees and jungle gyms.  As a young man, he loves to explore the woods, fly down the road on his long board and push himself to master the practice of Yoga.  I love to hear about his adventures!

Katy was a thrill seeker from day one from the moment that she burst out of me.  She has always been a jumper, diver, tumbler, flyer etc...  From tree climbing, swing jumping, roller coasters, gymnastics, trampolines, diving, etc... She loves the physical thrill of pushing her body and mind to JUMP!

Tomorrow my bundle of energy and nerve turns 18.  When she turned 15 she wanted to skydive.  We said when you're 18.  We figured she would forget or move on.  Sunday morning she is jumping out of a perfectly good plane and SHE CAN'T WAIT!

I will watch from the ground, take pictures, worry about her, cry, and exalt in her complete GLEE.

While there are times during this "launching" period that are really hard for me, I am so excited to see what comes next for my Katy.  I will miss her terribly, and will worry sometimes too.  You can't send a child out into today's world without worrying about something.  BUT, I will look forward to hearing about her adventures and discoveries, her thrills and disappointments.

Tomorrow it all begins in earnest.  Turning 18, jumping out of a plane, launching herself into HER future.

I will hold on tight and enjoy the ride.

A Fresh Start

2014 ~ a fresh year, a fresh start.

I didn't write yesterday because I wasn't ready.  I planned to start the year with a post on January 1st focused on moving forward and taking charge!

I couldn't do it.  It felt hypocritical.

At the beginning of vacation, I had a conversation with my son that started me thinking.  We were talking about school and his plans.  He has not had a great college experience, and while he has toyed with the idea of dropping out or taking a semester off, he's decided to plow through, finish his degree, pay off his loans and then get on with his life.
This seems relatively responsible - a college degree does increase his chances of getting a job in the future, paying off his students loans would be a load off and then moving forward would be exciting.  He could "get on with his life."

Today as I was bringing him back to his apartment, I struggled with this and what I realized was that HIS LIFE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.  If he's not happy with his life now, why wait?  why not change it now?  I wanted to tell him to either find a way to really engage in school, or quit and move on.  Why waste time and money doing something that you feel no passion for?  Sometimes you just have to slog through something unpleasant.  If that's the choice you make, fine.  Do it.  Put your best effort into it.  If you just can't do it, then move on.

LIFE HAPPENS RIGHT NOW

One of the lessons I've struggled with as a parent is how to convey to my children how important it is to live the life you have.  I'm perpetually looking towards the next "thing".  I have a terrible time being "in the moment".  I constantly think about "what's next?" without really attending to "what's now!" I do not set a great example for "living in the moment."

Business is tough right now.  Numbers are down, I'm struggling with how to set up the studio in a sustainable way with partners I have and those I haven't found yet.  I've thought about ways to do it, but haven't followed through.  I spend time mulling about "what if I just can't do it?" instead of just doing it.  I think about other possible directions for my life to take, but have a hard time doing what needs to be done RIGHT NOW.  I'm not sure owning a business is my passion - teaching children and families is, but the business part is harder for me.  I'm the queen of "what if?"

I want this to be the year when I stop wasting time.  The year that I relish the "here and now".  I want to sent an example of "just do it."  Either run my business or don't.  Find a way to do the work I love in a way I can be successful.  Either dig in or move on.  I want to tell my son (and daughters) that while there are times when you just need to plow through something in life, it's also ok to say "ENOUGH! Time to move on!"  What is most important is that you find work that not only pays the bills, but fills your soul.  If you don't know what that is, figure it out.  Stop wasting time on things that don't matter to you.

I want 2014 to be the year when joy returns with a vengeance.

afraid to lead

How do I expect my children to take on the world when I'm afraid to do the same?  Maybe they'll teach me.  I'm ready to really dig in and grow my business, but I'm dragging my feet.  I know what I need to do, I'm just AFRAID to do it.  Why?  not sure...

My middle child is 17 today.  Her cousin is 16 today.  These two young women are AMAZING!  They have the potential to truly change the world.  They are smart, passionate, COMpassionate, talented, beautiful WOMEN.

I want them to see me and the other women around them as powerful agents of change whether we are in the boardroom or the kitchen.  I want them to see and know women who OWN their role as leaders. I am thankful that they are both surrounded by just such women.  I'm grateful that they each have a community surrounding them with love and encouragement.

I want to be one of those women too.  I know that I actually am in my daughter's eyes.  I wish I was as confident about my role as a powerful woman as she is.  I want to be as amazing as she thinks I am.  I want to learn from her fearlessness and own my role as a leader in the world.

I want to stop talking about the things I want to do and just DO THEM.

Happy Birthday Katy and Anna~ I wish you life, love, happiness and confidence.  You WILL change the world for the better.  In fact, you already have.