true confessions

I've been avoiding blogging since my last post for many reasons. The biggest? I've been fooling myself for the last year and didn't want to admit it. For over a year I've been building up to the launching of my last "chick" into the world. I went on and on about how ready I was to graduate from HS. To be done with driving to activities. To be done making breakfasts, lunches, last minute trips to school. To be done with committee's. To be done with raising children.

What a load of crap. For the last 24 years the most important work I've done is raise my children. I've done lots of other things too, but to be honest, they all came second. In fact, I used my children as an excuse any number of times for not doing "more." I needed to be available to them. THEY CAME FIRST.

A week and a few days ago, we dropped the girls off at school - Katy for her Senior year and Helen for her first year. We've talked and texted several times since then, but for the most part, they are living the next part of their life. I'm drifting a little.

It doesn't help that this time of year is always a challenge for me. I love the colors of fall and the cool temperatures, but my mood takes a tumble every damn year. Never so far that I can't function thanks to a little medicinal help and my Happy Light which I'll begin using soon, but far enough that I feel like a fuck up. My mouth sinks into the gutter. Sorry mom.

I don't need anyone to tell me I'm good at anything. I know I'm good at many things. I know I'm respected and loved. I know all of these things. What I don't do is believe it. I'm almost 50 and while I love what I do professionally and believe it to be important work, I've treated it like a hobby. I've made very little in terms of money. I've run my business in a haphazard way. I've given away huge amounts of my time to excellent causes and I've wasted even bigger amounts of time on things I can't even remember at this point.

I've spent time building up others while hoping that no one realizes that I can't seem to finish anything I start to save my life. I have fantastic ideas! I start awesome projects! When I get bored or distracted I either let them fall apart or I try to get others to take over. Most of the time they eventually fall apart.

The truth is I'm a Mom. I'm a really good Mom. I know I have more to offer the world, but right now I'm mourning the end of chapter. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what was important. I knew I was needed. Now I'm drifting a little.

Last Spring I jumped into the idea of coaching. While I'm not throwing it in the trash I am rethinking what shape this work will take for me. It was a giant distraction from the transition my family was going through. I didn't want to see that the intensive part of parenting was ending for me. I didn't want to contemplate what was next; I just wanted to jump in. Not only did I decide to start coaching, I joined a town committee and then a commission. I filled up my life with more "busyness."

I've avoided thinking about the seismic shift in my life that has taken place. When I was in college and graduate school I had every intention of being one of those women who did it all. One who successfully juggled a career and a family. When the reality of raising children clobbered me on the head I realized that I couldn't do it all. I felt like I was failing everyone. Something had to give. I came across a book called "Sequencing" by Arlene Rossen Cardozo. The idea that I could have it all, just not at the same time spoke to me ~ LOUDLY.

We figured out how to make it on mostly one income and I dove in to mothering. Because I am who I am, the actual amount of time I was strictly focused on parenting was probably 2 months, but in terms of priority, it became my first priority from then on. Now when I can fully shift back to myself and my career I'm terrified. I've been working all along, so the fact that I'm a little paralyzed right now pisses me off. I should be thrilled!  I can work uninterrupted on all the marketing and staff development projects I've thought about and talked about for years! I can explore adding Coaching to my work life as I am excited to share what I've learned with others about creating your own life. I can clean my house and know that it will stay clean.

The fact is I will miss the chaos. I will miss the constant interruptions. I will miss the demands on my time. I will miss the hugs and snuggles and "I love you's". I will even miss the drama that went with raising teenagers.

I am looking forward to the ability to get more done and grow my businesses. I am afraid that now there is no excuse if I fail. Before, I could blame my lack of focus or productivity on the never ending distractions that go with working at home with children. Now I'm the only one distracting myself.  I'm turning a bedroom into an office space for myself in the hopes that if I have a room to "work" in that is separate from the rest of the house, it will be easier to ignore things like dishes in the sink, or laundry or dogs. Only time will tell.

At the end of the day I know I have a pretty great life. I love being a mama and I know I will always be one. The reality of my empty nest was way more emotional for me than I expected. I raised my children to leave me. That's the whole point! Raise them up and send them out to make the world a better place. While their adult journey's are just getting started, all three of them are on track to do just that and I couldn't be prouder. I'd be lying though if I said that I'm not sad to see them go.                                        

Tomorrow I jump.

I've started this post multiple times over the past month - in my head of course - but haven't just sat down to write. When my oldest was getting ready to graduate, I had to write. I had to process. I cried all year long. When my second was getting ready to graduate, I needed to write too, but I was less teary. I'd been through it once before and had realized that while graduating was big, it was more of a starting point than an end point. My first had left, but stayed in contact. With the second I was as excited about the adventures to come as I was about the "end" HS graduation represented.

Now, after 10 years in High School, the youngest is getting ready to fly. She is finding her way and while there have been plenty of struggles, the path is pretty clear and as she heads into the last few months her excitement about the life to come is beginning to outweigh the "senioritis" that marked the first half of the year. As a family, we are ready to "graduate" from HS for the last time!

This time around my attention has not so much been on launching child 3 out of the nest, but launching myself. Life has been pretty great up to this point and I've been able to do work I love while being the available parent at home. That changes next year. The time spent driving kids, running errands for kids, cleaning up after kids, feeding kids, nagging kids and on and on, will be over.

So much of what I love about parenting will continue ~ loving, listening, laughing, advising. The time intensive part is wrapping up. We have made the choice over the years to work with a smaller family budget in order to make it possible for me to be available as our children were growing. While I wouldn't change that decision for a minute, I would be lying if I said it wasn't a struggle. We have more debt than we would like and the stress we have experienced around money has taken too much time and energy.

I started looking at the years ahead. So much time to dig deeper into my business! It's time for me to increase my income so we can eliminate the debt we've taken on and build on our future plans to travel and someday retire. Let's be honest. No one goes into Early Childhood ANYTHING to make money. Why not take this time to dive into a whole new career? Not so easy. First, I LOVE WHAT I DO. Loving what I do makes me a happier person and when I'm happier, my family is happier. Second, like so many women who have stayed home to raise families, I've been out of the work force long enough that I'm both over-qualified and under-experienced for the few jobs that have any appeal to me at this point in life.

How do we move into these next years???? For so long, I've had my sweet little business, but have primarily been Andi, Katy and Helen's Mom. For many women it's even more dramatic. So many spend the years of childrearing completely focused on raising their families, volunteering in their communities and taking care of everyone but themselves. Years of education get dusty on a shelf and dreams of careers fade away.  Music Together has given me a professional community to connect with and opportunities to grow and I'm certain that having this work has made me a better Mom. I have opportunities to move forward within this community as I train to be a Teacher Trainer and find ways to nurture and grow my business. So much to look forward to!!

So what's with the complete lack of focus and motivation lately to do anything other than stay home with the dogs and the last of my chicks, binge watching shows on Netflix and ignoring the list on my phone of things that need to be attended to?

I'm not afraid of sending my children out into the world. They are more than ready and I'm excited to see where life takes them. I'm afraid of heading out into the world myself. For 24 years I've had an excuse to "back out" whenever life felt overwhelming. "My family needs me." "I need to be available to my kids." Excuses that have sheltered me from both the risk of failure, but also the risk of success.

For years I've said to myself, "You have so much to offer, but if you really dove in, the kids and family would suffer." What a load of CRAP. Let's be honest. I'm a lousy cook - I don't keep a particularly clean house. It's fine, but I certainly don't spend a whole lot of time on it. I am really good at laundry. That's my claim to fame at home. I'm a pretty good chauffeur too, but I've been hiding behind my children for years and now they are on their way. Jeff more than carries his load at home and has always been 100% behind whatever makes me happy. The only thing that has held me back is that FEAR.

FEAR that I'll fail. FEAR that I'll succeed. FEAR that people will figure out I have no idea what I'm talking about. FEAR that I'll disappoint.

This is the year that it changes. I'm jumping out of the nest with Helen and am moving forward with my life and career. Tomorrow I start a year of working with a Coach ~ building my business and creating additional ways to use the skills and knowledge and passion I already have to expand what I can offer to the world and increase what I contribute to my family.  For years I've made excuses. I've had a difficult time claiming the title of "small business owner." I haven't taken myself seriously or in anyway "owned" who I am and what I am capable of. I've found my voice, but now all that talk needs to be turned into action.

Tomorrow is the day.