love and kindness

The last week has been rough. The fall-out from the shooting in FL has continued longer than other shootings and for that, I am strangely grateful. Perhaps if we keep up the pressure THIS will be the beginning of a change. I have been completely blown away by (but not surprised) by the power of the teenagers who have been mobilized. Articulate, smart, passionate and powerful. These are our future leaders. They are the reason that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how much despair I feel at the state of our country, I have hope.

The last few days have seen growing numbers of adults, gun owners and others, who are standing up and saying enough. Events have been planned - walkouts, vigils, marches. Phone calls are being made and postcards are being sent. November 2018 is around the corner and legislators who are in the pocket of the NRA should be quaking in their boots. Change is coming. We are waking up, standing tall and demanding that those we elected to serve us actually start to listen.

At the same time all this is going on, we have seen the 50th anniversary of the first American broadcast of Mr. Rogers. With that have been interviews, video clips, photos, remembrances. I grew up with Mr. Rogers. My children watched Mr. Rogers. My niece and nephew watch Daniel Tiger (a sweet show inspired by Mr. Rogers). Mr. Rogers was about love and kindness. Caring for your friends and yourself. Being kind to all. His gentleness and routine were soothing. We all need a little more "Mr. Rogers" in our life. There is so much hate and anger. Bitterness and suspicion are everywhere. Being cynical and world weary is normal while being innocent and hopeful is naive.

It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done. There is only so much money to donate, time to volunteer and resources to give. The number of causes can paralyze you. Where to focus?? Gun Violence? Immigrants? Women? People of Color? Education? Environment? It all seems to be too much.

We have to start with love and kindness. We need to listen and be open. We need to love people into doing what we want. The more we all dig our heels in and get angry and call names, the easier it is for the other side to turn away. People who preach hate and fear were once children who wanted to be loved. They are damaged. As hard as it might be, having conversations with those on the other side of the table through eyes of love just might allow those conversations to be more productive.

If each one of us were to wake up each day and move forward with the idea that love and kindness is on the agenda imagine the change. People are lonely and overwhelmed. They are fearful and hurt. We do not know the burdens that others carry, the wounds they are hiding. The smallest moments can make a difference. A smile, a hello, an acknowledgement. A handshake, a hug, and pat on the back. Looking someone in the eye and really seeing them - putting down our devices and really listening.

We have to rebuild our community - for so many reasons we have allowed ourselves to build walls around us that keep us from connecting with others.

Over the years, I've heard jokes about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and "won't you be my neighbor?" It can seem so simplistic and naive. Can it really be so simple? Love your neighbor. Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Be kind to everyone. Mr. Rogers continues to teach us everyday. There is a reason that 50 years later, a 3 minute video clip can bring many of us to tears. He's right. Regardless of what happens with gun control, one thing we can all do right now is stop fearing our neighbors and start loving them. All of them. People who are connected to friends and neighbors are less likely to hurt themselves or others. People who are connected are more likely to be identified by those who love them if there are concerns.

WE are responsible for each other. WE are called to care for each other. WE must do better.

love and kindness.

Connected and lonely

We are the most connected and at the same time, LONELIEST people ever. We spend hours a day connecting with thousands of people over social media while we are sitting alone. For teenagers and children especially this is not only sad, it's dangerous. More and more it is apparent that depression and anxiety, substance abuse and alcoholism are impacted by if not caused by loneliness and isolation. How is it possible to be so lonely when we can connect with virtually the whole world ANYTIME we want?

I have a love/hate relationship with FaceBook. I LOVE how I've been able to connect and re-connect with so many treasured friends from over the years. Living far away from family (including my daughters) it has given me a window into the lives of people I love and allowed me to feel like I'm not quite so far.

It is also a time suck and often a distraction from life. It has informed and confused, entertained and stimulated, challenged and frustrated.  I have been able to engage in political discussions like never before in my life and have begun actively sharing stories of love and positivity whenever I can. It has also shone a light on the ugliness and hate in the world and has become an echo chamber where we begin to hear more and more from those like us and less and less from those we disagree with.

Like so much of life, it's about moderation - too much of anything is a bad idea. The question is how do we find the right balance? How do we teach our children that face to face connections are still far more important and satisfying than living your life through a keyboard and a screen?

While there are many good things about being able to connect so widely, what is being lost? It doesn't matter if you have 2,000 FaceBook friends or 5,000 Instagram followers if you have no one to sit with when you're sad or celebrate with you when something wonderful happens. Humans are social creatures and we NEED contact. Not just through a computer, but real human contact. We need touch - a handshake, a hug, a pat on the back.

I worry about children who are not learning about things like making eye contact when they talk with someone. More and more I've noticed that many adults are terrible about introducing themselves or the people they are with. People don't want to shake hands because they will share germs. We are afraid to touch each other for so many reasons. The first few years we lived in Connecticut I thought it was just a New England thing, not knowing your neighbors. Now I hear it from so many areas. WE ARE LIVING IN ISOLATION AND IT'S DESTROYING US.

Our political climate doesn't help with connection - we are being told to believe that those who are different are to be feared. The division only grows when we move through life in a bubble, only making eye contact with those we know. Only saying hello to familiar faces.

I am an introvert by nature. It is HARD for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger. My mom and one of my daughter's are the complete opposite. They can engage in conversation with virtually anyone! Here's a curious thing though... Extroverts are by and large admired in our culture and Introverts are often considered shy or aloof. Extroverts are also more common. If this is the case, then what is so hard about making eye contact when you are walking down the road? Why would you not introduce yourself to someone you are having a conversation with? Why would you not say hello to the person standing in line with you at the grocery store? WHAT IS WRONG WITH  US? Are we so afraid of being rejected that we won't take a chance to reach out and connect?

This week is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS week. Perhaps we need to have a SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE YOU MEET week. When we make eye contact we acknowledge the very existence of the person we make eye contact with. When we say hello we take it up a level. When we take the time to listen to another person and give them the gift of our time we are saying "you are worthy."

Be present. Put your devices down. Pay attention to those around you. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Acknowledge their existence. See if it changes your perspective.

Perhaps if we spent more time face to face, the virtual relationships we have would take their place as a part of our social world rather than all of it. 

Selfies

The last few mornings as I've had my coffee, snuggled with the puppy and watched the TODAY Show, they've been doing these segments on Selfies.  The focus has been on "natural" selfies.  The anchors all showed themselves with no make up; then they quickly put it back on again.  People out on the street have been taking off their make-up, taking selfies, and having them show up on giant screens in NYC.  They have invited viewers to do the same and send in their "selfies."  Today a group of women over 40 talked about what they did and didn't like about themselves - baggy eyes, baggy belly's, etc.. They talked about feeling invisible. Then they took selfies which showed up….. on giant screens - not invisible anymore!  It's all about owning oneself, the good the bad and the ugly.  They've referenced a great photo project that involved Mothers and Daughters and selfies.  Really cool project.

With two teenage girls and a history of struggling with body image myself, I've become increasingly aware of how I speak about myself and others in terms of appearance.  Once in a while I slip.  At the mall the other day, I commented on the number of people wearing crop tops who SHOULD NOT be wearing crop tops.  My 17 year old turns to me and scolds me for being judgmental.  I was.  Besides the fact that it's CT and it's winter so crop tops are not weather appropriate, not everyone needs to share their belly.  Honestly it's none of my business but I was hormonal and spending a lovely day at the mall with 3 teenage girls.  I apologized.

I think I've gotten better about keeping my body criticism about myself, to myself.  My girls know that while I would love to have a smaller butt there are quite frankly more important things in my world and in the grand scheme of things, I'm doing alright for 45.  I want them to be strong and confident and to love their bodies, and so far, they seem to be OK in this department.

But would I take off my makeup and take a selfie for the world to see?  Nope.  I've worn make up since I was in Jr. High and my mom let me start wearing blush after I got sent to the school nurse too many times because I was "pale".  Mascara has always been my friend and even if I don't manage anything else, I rarely skip the mascara.  It's not that I think I "need" make-up, it's just part of me and sometimes its fun.  If I don't "need" it though why the complete refusal to take a selfie of my natural unmade up self?   I think I look more awake, more "put together", more me.  I do go without make-up sometimes - when I spend a few weeks in New Hampshire at Camp Calumet I rarely wear make-up (except maybe mascara).  So what's the big deal with one stupid picture?

I simply don't care.  I have no problem with pictures, but I prefer them with my family, my friends, my dogs.  I don't feel the need to take a picture of myself to see myself with or without makeup.  I can look in a mirror anytime I want.  The very word "selfie" is annoying me.  I have raised my children (and continue to do so) with the idea that they are NOT the center of the universe, mine or anyone else's.  They are a part of an amazing community of people and while it is important to take care of oneself, it is equally (if not more important) to take care of others.  When we focus so much on ourselves, we lose purpose and perspective.

I want my children to care for themselves but not be obsessed.  I want them to take pride in what they do, but not gloat.  I want them to reach their goals, but not at the expense of those around them.  Being self-obsessed is developmentally appropriate at certain ages, but isn't our goal as parents to help our children move past that stage?

It makes it hard when the media and pop culture seems so completely obsessed with youth, beauty, and SELF.  How about OTHERS?  I know there needs to be balance, and that some self-care is essential.  Women are often terrible at taking care of themselves and you know the whole airplane story about putting the oxygen on yourself first?  But I see people out in the world, women in particular who become so focused on caring for themselves, that they forget about the OTHERS.  Getting my nails done when I'm feeling blue helps me feel better for a little bit.  Buying someone else a cup of coffee or listening to a friend who needs to talk makes me feel better a lot longer.

I love the Random Acts of Kindness movement and the newer Suspended Coffees page on Facebook.  Helping OTHERS doesn't have to be a big deal, but it can improve your SELF in a very real way.  Think about the Golden Rule: Treat OTHERS the way you want to be treated.  How about "Love thy neighbor as thyself."  This is nothing new.  This is OLD STUFF.  We just forget sometimes when we live in a world that bullies us into focusing on ourselves.  Wear make-up if you feel like it, not because Maybelline says you should.  Exercise because it feels good, not because Planet Fitness says you should.  Care for yourself and others but don't obsess about either too much.

Love others, love yourself ~ care for others, care for yourself ~ be kind to others, be kind to yourself ~ forgive others, forgive yourself.