Why I sing.

Saturday morning brought news that a terrible tragedy struck my extended family. My beloved Godparents, Aunt Helen and Uncle Doug, had been killed walking from their hotel in Georgia to a restaurant for dinner. Throughout the day, word was spread to family members far and wide and eventually their children posted on Facebook, giving us the ok to begin sharing condolences, memories, photos, grief.

I suspect that many of us are still in shock and will be for some time. We are spread all over the country so who is able to gather and when is unknown. While many of us are "alone" as we grieve, we are in good company and are never really alone. I know that when we gather, there will be singing.

My Dad comes from a family of 9 children, 8 who survived to adulthood. They did not have an easy life - many children, little money - raising a family in the 20's, 30's and 40's was difficult for so many. The stories that I love and remember center around the dinner table (there was always room for a friend even though money was scarce), the church (it was a central part of family life), and music.

music.

My Dad tells a story of being a very little boy with curly hair, sitting on the front steps in his Mama's hat, singing at the top of his lungs. He and his siblings sang in the church and school choirs through their growing up years. He and Helen (or Honey Anne as she was called) sang "A Bushel and a Peck" in a school talent show. They sang. Together.

As I was growing up, the extended family grew too and eventually there were 25 grandchildren. As one of the younger cousins, it was easy to get lost - Helen and Doug somehow managed to make me feel so loved and important. They reminded me that I belonged. The music continued. I can close my eyes to this day and picture my Dad and Helen singing "Morning Has Broken," harmonizing effortlessly. We camped together over the years in various places and with various combinations of the families. There was always singing around the fire. I learned my first "naughty" song at one of these fires. "My Father was a Fireman..." If you know the song, you'll get the joke. If you don't you'll have to ask me someday. As a little girl, I just listened to and sang along with the incredible harmonies created as the song progresses. As a 20-something with a husband and 2 children, we sang this again at a long awaited reunion in Wyoming. Jeff has never let me forget that I did not "get" the joke until that year! I can hear Helen and Doug's laughter as I remember the day.

Reunions and gatherings for weddings, funerals, graduations, were all excuses to have a family choir. You haven't heard the Table Grace sung until you hear my family sing it! I can see Helen singing "On Eagles Wings" with other family and friends at my wedding. Such treasured memories.

We made music. Although the gatherings are much further between and everyone shifts as my Dad's generation passes away and more Great-Grandchildren are added, we still do. A small handful of 100 or so members of this family make music for a living. For the rest it is simply a part of what we do and who we are. We sing.

This is why I sing. We sing to celebrate. We sing to pray. We sing to grieve and we sing to laugh.

With a family as large and spread out as mine is, it is inevitable that we have widely divergent views on religion and politics. We cross the spectrum and while we are interconnected by blood, there are times when the differences loom large.

Music is the thing that will pull us together time and again. When we are singing and creating harmony together, our differences fade away even for a moment. We are united as we create something magical.

I want every child to have this. I want every family to be able to connect with a silly or sacred song. We change the world when we sing. We make it better. Singing is free. I do the work I do because every family can be a musical family. It's not about perfection or talent or any of that. It's about simply doing it. Singing together.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live..." those words from "O Lord God" ring in my ears now. They are treasured words from my college years and have continued to bring me comfort and joy since then. Like my Aunt, my Dad, and so many members of my family, I will continue to sing as long as I live. I will continue to create opportunities for others to find their voice and sing. I will sing with babies. I will sing with grandfriends. I will sing in joy and in sorrow.

I will sing because it is what we do.

love and kindness

The last week has been rough. The fall-out from the shooting in FL has continued longer than other shootings and for that, I am strangely grateful. Perhaps if we keep up the pressure THIS will be the beginning of a change. I have been completely blown away by (but not surprised) by the power of the teenagers who have been mobilized. Articulate, smart, passionate and powerful. These are our future leaders. They are the reason that no matter how bleak things look, no matter how much despair I feel at the state of our country, I have hope.

The last few days have seen growing numbers of adults, gun owners and others, who are standing up and saying enough. Events have been planned - walkouts, vigils, marches. Phone calls are being made and postcards are being sent. November 2018 is around the corner and legislators who are in the pocket of the NRA should be quaking in their boots. Change is coming. We are waking up, standing tall and demanding that those we elected to serve us actually start to listen.

At the same time all this is going on, we have seen the 50th anniversary of the first American broadcast of Mr. Rogers. With that have been interviews, video clips, photos, remembrances. I grew up with Mr. Rogers. My children watched Mr. Rogers. My niece and nephew watch Daniel Tiger (a sweet show inspired by Mr. Rogers). Mr. Rogers was about love and kindness. Caring for your friends and yourself. Being kind to all. His gentleness and routine were soothing. We all need a little more "Mr. Rogers" in our life. There is so much hate and anger. Bitterness and suspicion are everywhere. Being cynical and world weary is normal while being innocent and hopeful is naive.

It is so easy to be overwhelmed by the work that needs to be done. There is only so much money to donate, time to volunteer and resources to give. The number of causes can paralyze you. Where to focus?? Gun Violence? Immigrants? Women? People of Color? Education? Environment? It all seems to be too much.

We have to start with love and kindness. We need to listen and be open. We need to love people into doing what we want. The more we all dig our heels in and get angry and call names, the easier it is for the other side to turn away. People who preach hate and fear were once children who wanted to be loved. They are damaged. As hard as it might be, having conversations with those on the other side of the table through eyes of love just might allow those conversations to be more productive.

If each one of us were to wake up each day and move forward with the idea that love and kindness is on the agenda imagine the change. People are lonely and overwhelmed. They are fearful and hurt. We do not know the burdens that others carry, the wounds they are hiding. The smallest moments can make a difference. A smile, a hello, an acknowledgement. A handshake, a hug, and pat on the back. Looking someone in the eye and really seeing them - putting down our devices and really listening.

We have to rebuild our community - for so many reasons we have allowed ourselves to build walls around us that keep us from connecting with others.

Over the years, I've heard jokes about Mr. Rogers Neighborhood and "won't you be my neighbor?" It can seem so simplistic and naive. Can it really be so simple? Love your neighbor. Feed the hungry. Care for the sick. Be kind to everyone. Mr. Rogers continues to teach us everyday. There is a reason that 50 years later, a 3 minute video clip can bring many of us to tears. He's right. Regardless of what happens with gun control, one thing we can all do right now is stop fearing our neighbors and start loving them. All of them. People who are connected to friends and neighbors are less likely to hurt themselves or others. People who are connected are more likely to be identified by those who love them if there are concerns.

WE are responsible for each other. WE are called to care for each other. WE must do better.

love and kindness.

again

i have no words. one more time we have allowed horror to visit the halls of a school. over and over and over we hear that this is the price of freedom. over and over and over we hear that this is not the time to talk about gun control. we hear our leaders say "our thoughts and prayers" and then go back to their scheming. those leaders who try to do more are silenced.

our children learn by watching us. they learn more from our actions than our words. the actions they have seen since columbine is that we are helpless - there is nothing we can do to stop the carnage. we are failing our most important natural resource. they are learning that no one cares and that there is nothing they can do but run and hide.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? The rest of the civilized world has figure this out. We keep talking and sharing posts filled with statistics and the people who could actually do anything about it share thoughts and prayers and then go back to their offices to figure out how to take away more of the resources needed to help feed and care for people in need.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? God is looking at us and hearing our prayers and wondering why we aren't listening to his words. LOVE your neighbor. FEED the hungry. CARE for the sick and hurting.

WE are the hands of God. WE are the ones who can make change. WE must stop wringing our hands and making excuses.

Common Sense Gun Control. Universal Health Care including coverage for Mental Health. Electing leaders who are NOT in the pockets of the NRA and Big Pharma.

There is nothing free about living in a country where at any time and in any place, someone can mow down innocents going about their life. THIS is not freedom.

Connected and lonely

We are the most connected and at the same time, LONELIEST people ever. We spend hours a day connecting with thousands of people over social media while we are sitting alone. For teenagers and children especially this is not only sad, it's dangerous. More and more it is apparent that depression and anxiety, substance abuse and alcoholism are impacted by if not caused by loneliness and isolation. How is it possible to be so lonely when we can connect with virtually the whole world ANYTIME we want?

I have a love/hate relationship with FaceBook. I LOVE how I've been able to connect and re-connect with so many treasured friends from over the years. Living far away from family (including my daughters) it has given me a window into the lives of people I love and allowed me to feel like I'm not quite so far.

It is also a time suck and often a distraction from life. It has informed and confused, entertained and stimulated, challenged and frustrated.  I have been able to engage in political discussions like never before in my life and have begun actively sharing stories of love and positivity whenever I can. It has also shone a light on the ugliness and hate in the world and has become an echo chamber where we begin to hear more and more from those like us and less and less from those we disagree with.

Like so much of life, it's about moderation - too much of anything is a bad idea. The question is how do we find the right balance? How do we teach our children that face to face connections are still far more important and satisfying than living your life through a keyboard and a screen?

While there are many good things about being able to connect so widely, what is being lost? It doesn't matter if you have 2,000 FaceBook friends or 5,000 Instagram followers if you have no one to sit with when you're sad or celebrate with you when something wonderful happens. Humans are social creatures and we NEED contact. Not just through a computer, but real human contact. We need touch - a handshake, a hug, a pat on the back.

I worry about children who are not learning about things like making eye contact when they talk with someone. More and more I've noticed that many adults are terrible about introducing themselves or the people they are with. People don't want to shake hands because they will share germs. We are afraid to touch each other for so many reasons. The first few years we lived in Connecticut I thought it was just a New England thing, not knowing your neighbors. Now I hear it from so many areas. WE ARE LIVING IN ISOLATION AND IT'S DESTROYING US.

Our political climate doesn't help with connection - we are being told to believe that those who are different are to be feared. The division only grows when we move through life in a bubble, only making eye contact with those we know. Only saying hello to familiar faces.

I am an introvert by nature. It is HARD for me to strike up a conversation with a stranger. My mom and one of my daughter's are the complete opposite. They can engage in conversation with virtually anyone! Here's a curious thing though... Extroverts are by and large admired in our culture and Introverts are often considered shy or aloof. Extroverts are also more common. If this is the case, then what is so hard about making eye contact when you are walking down the road? Why would you not introduce yourself to someone you are having a conversation with? Why would you not say hello to the person standing in line with you at the grocery store? WHAT IS WRONG WITH  US? Are we so afraid of being rejected that we won't take a chance to reach out and connect?

This week is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS week. Perhaps we need to have a SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE YOU MEET week. When we make eye contact we acknowledge the very existence of the person we make eye contact with. When we say hello we take it up a level. When we take the time to listen to another person and give them the gift of our time we are saying "you are worthy."

Be present. Put your devices down. Pay attention to those around you. Make eye contact. Smile. Say hello. Acknowledge their existence. See if it changes your perspective.

Perhaps if we spent more time face to face, the virtual relationships we have would take their place as a part of our social world rather than all of it. 

the work

I can't believe my last blog entry was in November! I've blogged about all kinds of things over the past 2 months in my head~ clearly I never actually typed anything up. From November through the holidays, I was on the hamster wheel - traveling, working, decorating, entertaining, having a full house, and on and on. Life was a little out of balance - temporary for sure, but still out of balance. There was no time for quiet. Many bits and pieces (including writing!) got forgotten.
I need quiet. I need to write. So over the last month the house emptied out and the travel was over for now. There has been lots of quiet, but no writing.

Sometimes, especially in the dark of winter, I just need to go through the motions. If I think too much I can go to dark, sad places. I get absorbed in the sadness and anger that is in the world and I feel responsibility to make it all better. This month, I cared for myself. I went to the gym and worked hard. I snuggled on the couch with the dogs and the husband and watched television and movies. I read. I made lists and checked off "tasks." The thinking I did allow myself to do was all around preparing for my first day long retreat "Refocus for the New Year."

At the retreat we explored the things that get in our way. The issues and "baggage" that keep us from moving forward with our lives. It was a powerful morning for me, witnessing the "stuff" of life that keeps us trapped. The afternoon was about moving forward and different strategies that can be helpful. It was a good day all around.

I've been frustrated over the past several months that I haven't moved forward as fast as I would like to with Coaching and Leading. I've gotten wrapped up in the practical issues and sabotaged lists and plans that will help me reach my goals. Today I had a moment during coffee with a dear friend when I realized that I HAVEN'T DONE SOME OF THE WORK THAT I ASKED PEOPLE TO DO AT THE RETREAT.

It has always been easy for me to be the "teacher" or the "leader." To be the one offering support. It is harder to be the participant. To be answering the difficult questions. Looking at the reflection in the mirror. Acknowledging what is holding me back and letting it go. If I truly want to share what I have to offer with the world I have to do the work. I need to take the time to answer the hard questions. I need to listen to what my purpose here is. I need to allow my light to shine.

Over the next month I'm going to commit to sitting down and writing. Answering some of those questions and letting go of some of my fears and worries. I want to be a source of love and support and guidance to whoever comes to me seeking it. To do that I need stop pretending and truly believe that I have much to offer.

As I prepared for the retreat, I did think about what holds me back. One of those things is the fear that people will figure out I don't know what I'm talking about. Here's the thing. I know that I DO know what I'm talking about. But, like many of you, there is this little voice inside my head that says "why would anyone listen to you?" I've heard it called Imposter Syndrome lately and there are lots of resources speaking to this, but none of them have quite banished the idea from my thinking. I've tried to do it myself by intellectualizing it. "You have years of school and experience, of course you know what you're talking about!" "But you never finished your licensure - you don't have a certificate, or a stamp of approval! Why would anyone listen to you???" Can you hear the conversation?

What I often forget is that what I bring to the table is more than just education and experience. It is passion for the work that I do. It is a commitment to helping others love themselves and live their best lives. It is a voice deep in my gut that says "you have a light to share with a dark world. why would you hide it?" I haven't spoken much about my faith life as I tend to be fairly private about it. I'm Lutheran after all... I often find myself struggling with the idea that anyone is listening to me when I pray. I forget that I need to take time to listen back to hear the answers.

As I write more this month I'm going to try to listen more as well - to carve out time for prayer, meditation, whatever. Time to sit quietly without the noise of the world to interfere.
My purpose is clear. To love and guide. To encourage and challenge. My path is still meandering. Thanks for walking by my side.