Why I sing.

Saturday morning brought news that a terrible tragedy struck my extended family. My beloved Godparents, Aunt Helen and Uncle Doug, had been killed walking from their hotel in Georgia to a restaurant for dinner. Throughout the day, word was spread to family members far and wide and eventually their children posted on Facebook, giving us the ok to begin sharing condolences, memories, photos, grief.

I suspect that many of us are still in shock and will be for some time. We are spread all over the country so who is able to gather and when is unknown. While many of us are "alone" as we grieve, we are in good company and are never really alone. I know that when we gather, there will be singing.

My Dad comes from a family of 9 children, 8 who survived to adulthood. They did not have an easy life - many children, little money - raising a family in the 20's, 30's and 40's was difficult for so many. The stories that I love and remember center around the dinner table (there was always room for a friend even though money was scarce), the church (it was a central part of family life), and music.

music.

My Dad tells a story of being a very little boy with curly hair, sitting on the front steps in his Mama's hat, singing at the top of his lungs. He and his siblings sang in the church and school choirs through their growing up years. He and Helen (or Honey Anne as she was called) sang "A Bushel and a Peck" in a school talent show. They sang. Together.

As I was growing up, the extended family grew too and eventually there were 25 grandchildren. As one of the younger cousins, it was easy to get lost - Helen and Doug somehow managed to make me feel so loved and important. They reminded me that I belonged. The music continued. I can close my eyes to this day and picture my Dad and Helen singing "Morning Has Broken," harmonizing effortlessly. We camped together over the years in various places and with various combinations of the families. There was always singing around the fire. I learned my first "naughty" song at one of these fires. "My Father was a Fireman..." If you know the song, you'll get the joke. If you don't you'll have to ask me someday. As a little girl, I just listened to and sang along with the incredible harmonies created as the song progresses. As a 20-something with a husband and 2 children, we sang this again at a long awaited reunion in Wyoming. Jeff has never let me forget that I did not "get" the joke until that year! I can hear Helen and Doug's laughter as I remember the day.

Reunions and gatherings for weddings, funerals, graduations, were all excuses to have a family choir. You haven't heard the Table Grace sung until you hear my family sing it! I can see Helen singing "On Eagles Wings" with other family and friends at my wedding. Such treasured memories.

We made music. Although the gatherings are much further between and everyone shifts as my Dad's generation passes away and more Great-Grandchildren are added, we still do. A small handful of 100 or so members of this family make music for a living. For the rest it is simply a part of what we do and who we are. We sing.

This is why I sing. We sing to celebrate. We sing to pray. We sing to grieve and we sing to laugh.

With a family as large and spread out as mine is, it is inevitable that we have widely divergent views on religion and politics. We cross the spectrum and while we are interconnected by blood, there are times when the differences loom large.

Music is the thing that will pull us together time and again. When we are singing and creating harmony together, our differences fade away even for a moment. We are united as we create something magical.

I want every child to have this. I want every family to be able to connect with a silly or sacred song. We change the world when we sing. We make it better. Singing is free. I do the work I do because every family can be a musical family. It's not about perfection or talent or any of that. It's about simply doing it. Singing together.

"I will sing to the Lord as long as I live..." those words from "O Lord God" ring in my ears now. They are treasured words from my college years and have continued to bring me comfort and joy since then. Like my Aunt, my Dad, and so many members of my family, I will continue to sing as long as I live. I will continue to create opportunities for others to find their voice and sing. I will sing with babies. I will sing with grandfriends. I will sing in joy and in sorrow.

I will sing because it is what we do.

Gift of neighbors

Sunday was an awesome "re-set" day for me. I was wrapped up again in fretting and venting about things that are critically important, but out of my control. At least for now. I don't mean that I'm backing off on gun control, support for Planned Parenthood, or any of the other issues that are important to me right now, but sitting at my computer sharing everything I can find with mostly people who agree with me is not really a great use of my time!

Yesterday I started the day with some of my favorite people, leading the worship service at First Lutheran, followed by the fastest, most efficient committee meeting ever, followed by Christmas Caroling right in the neighborhood around our church building.  We have done Christmas Caroling in many ways over the years, sometimes going specifically to the homes of members of our congregation who can't get out anymore, or going to local nursing homes or assisted living facilities, but I can't remember ever going house to house in the neighborhood around our church.

Growing up, my family, along with many others, would go Caroling house to house. Many of you may remember similar experiences. We knew most if not all of our neighbors and knew they would welcome us. Somehow that seems less common.  To be honest, I was a little nervous. We had a number of very enthusiastic children with us and I didn't want them to get discouraged by closed doors. We've been members of First for 20+ years, but we don't know our "neighbors."

We quickly discovered there was nothing to fear!  While there were many neighbors who weren't home (it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon after all), those who were, welcomed us.  Several insisted on sending us away with treats and a few cars driving by stopped to listen.  We are not professional. We didn't rehearse.  We sometimes sang in a few different keys at the same time. No one cared!  We were sharing a gift with our neighbors and in their thanks, I was humbled. Holiday greetings were exchanged with great happiness.

There is so much emphasis on "not offending" anyone in our world today. What if we sing Christmas songs at the home of a Jewish family or a Muslim family? What if someone thinks we are trying to "convert" them? What if they don't like our singing? What if?

What happened to the idea of simply sharing our gifts with each other? When we work so hard to not offend, we build higher and higher walls between "us" and "them". The simple act of stepping off our church property and sharing our joy in the season with our neighbors was one of the most joyful things I've done in months! The smiles on the faces of our neighbors was a gift to us.

We cannot give in to a world that tries to tell us that we should fear our "neighbors." In a global society our neighbors are next door and around the world. Instead of fearing them, we must love them. When we assume the best in others, we are often rewarded with the best in return.

There will be times when a door will be shut, when a "neighbor" will disappoint. Doesn't this already happen though within our own families and communities?? We are all human and in our humanity we will fail and disappoint others. But, what if we lived our life assuming the best? What if instead of approaching strangers with the assumption that they should be feared, we approached them as a neighbor we haven't met yet?

We cannot control what happens out in the world, but we can control our reaction to it. If we react to terror with fear and hate, we do nothing to counteract it. If we respond with love and forgiveness we send a powerful message that those who perpetrate acts of terror or violence will not win.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather die with love and forgiveness in my heart than hate and fear.  

and one leaves the nest...

So 22 years ago this weekend I was graduating from UConn with my MA in HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies), days away from my 25th birthday and weeks away from welcoming the young man who would change my life forever.  

This little one would teach me so much starting with his birth!  He was stubborn and facing the wrong way, but after 28 hours of hard work he was born and I learned the first lessons of motherhood.  I was stronger than I ever knew AND if ANYONE messed with this little bundle I would unleash a whole lot of crazy! I also learned that starting from day one, he was going to do things his way.

Here he is on his 18th birthday as I'm getting ready to send him out into the world.  4 years ago when I started this blog.  I needed a way to process the next phase of life. Launching my babies.  It used to make me nutty when people would say "enjoy every moment!"  Seriously? Some of the moments are not enjoyable!  Now, I say it a lot.  From the moment you birth a child they are beginning the journey to leave you. Over 18 years, I hoped that he learned the lessons I wanted him to learn.  I never imagined I would learn so much as well. You can despair and fret and demand, but once they start their journey when the umbilical cord is cut, all you can do is guide them, keep them from going completely off the rails, and enjoy the ride.

This week he graduates from UConn with a BA in HDFS.  He has worked a ridiculous number of hours in a dining hall kitchen while in school full time and has found his voice. He has no patience for entitlement or inequality. He knows that while I will argue with him and disagree with him, as long as he does his research, is respectful and open-minded, I will ALWAYS listen.  He is passionate and smart.  He challenges the status quo.  When he was young I wanted him to learn to follow HIS path. I didn't want him to blindly live his life following the rules.  He learned those lessons well! When people ask me what he's going to do now and I say "I'm not sure," the assumption is made that he will be moving home.

Here's the thing... While he is welcome to come home if he needs to, I don't think he ever will for more than a brief visit or transition.  He has become practical, capable, responsible and independent.  He's learned to pay bills, cook, negotiate and handle problems that arise. 

He's ready to fly and I'm so very proud.

stop. breathe. love.

I keep trying to sit down to write and every time I'm distracted by my own inner thought process.  So much to think about, to write about, to talk about.  Where to start?  I want to ponder the recent death of a kind, beloved young woman who I was privileged to have met at Camp Calumet.  She is added to the deaths a few weeks earlier of two other women - also too young.  Death surrounds us lately.  4,000 and counting souls in Nepal.  Freddie Gray in Baltimore.  Death leads us to mourn, to cry, to get angry, to hate.
These are the times when I find myself angry with God at the same time I pray for understanding and solace.  How could these souls be taken from the world so soon?  We need them here!  This is when I have to believe there is something waiting for us after death.  I can't accept the idea that we die into nothingness.
Death spurs us to action - in Nepal, there are stories of so many survivors helping each other.  I just read a story about a group of girls cooking for and feeding hundreds of survivors.  Donations from around the world will pour in and volunteers will stream across the borders to help.  Tragedy and death can bring out the best in all of us.
Death can also bring out the worst.  I don't live in Baltimore, I am not black and I am not poor.  I will never truly understand the conditions that have led to increasing violence each time another young black man is killed by police.  The violence and rioting just make things worse, but law enforcement has to accept their role in tipping the balance and take responsibility for their part of the equation.  The vicious cycle of suspicion, harassment, aggression, violence is replaying over and over again.  I know there are good police - I believe more good police than bad.  But I also know there are good black men - more good than bad.
The news and social media have a responsibility to share information, but when they share it in a skewed way, spending way more time on the violence and hate than they do on the peaceful protests, the survivors feeding others, we foolishly accept that THAT is the world.  There are posts going around disparaging the violence and the riots.  I agree they are terrible, but when we deny the conditions that have led to this point we should be ashamed of ourselves.  We live in our privileged bubbles and have NO IDEA what has led to this.  It's way more than the death of one young man.
In my lifetime I would have hoped we would have moved beyond the violence and protest when I was born in 1968, to a place where what color you are, what gender you are, what religion you are, wouldn't be an issue.  But we are afraid.  We are afraid of anyone who is different than us.

This is when I have to believe in an afterlife and I have to believe in the words of Jesus Christ.  Even when I don't believe in God, I still believe that what is most important, and in fact, the only thing that will save us from ourselves is to LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
We have to look for the sameness in each other - we all bleed red.  we all need food and water.  I don't accept that because someone LOOKS or ACTS or BELIEVES differently than I do that they are less than I am.  They are just different.
We have to stop looking for the worst in others and instead look for and expect the best.  Make eye contact. Smile. Be polite. Share. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Get off your privileged high horse and LOVE.  If you say you are a Christian or a Jew or  Muslim or a Buddhist or whatever. If you are male, female, trans, gay, whatever.  If you are white, black, yellow, red or purple!  Stop living your life in fear of different and instead be curious.  Learn, grow and LOVE.  These are lessons we teach little children in songs - "Jesus loves the little children, ALL the children of the world".  Children learn what they see though and if they SEE us hate and disparage and fear, that is what they will learn.

We will all die someday.  It's what happens.  I believe that when we do, there something else for us.  It's what is left behind that I worry about.  Our time is short.  Quit spending it hating and fearing and instead LOVE.

thoughts on Valentine's Day

I'm not sure if it is just that Valentine's Day was a relatively low key holiday in my home when I was growing up so my expectations are not about fancy expensive gifts, or if I just like chocolate, but I have always loved Valentine's Day.  It's never been a big day as far as gifts etc... Maybe a card or two, maybe chocolate, maybe a dinner out, maybe a poem ~ depends on the year.  For me it's simply a day about LOVE.

For years Jeff and I would bicker about it because he sees it through the lens of consumerism and in general he dislikes all "Hallmark" holidays.  Years ago I was done and clarified that I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY.  I didn't expect jewelry or fancy dinners or anything other than a little extra acknowledgement that I was loved ~ a poem written on a scrap of paper would make me happy.  That year I received a lovely Haiku written by my love and I was happy.

Our conversations over the years have included talk of how we shouldn't need a special day to show our love, we should show it every day.  Or, it's a day that makes single people feel bad or stresses out parents of young children who need to make Valentine's for six bajillion of their closest friends.

I get all of that.  I still love Valentine's Day.  Here's why.

1) For me, it's a day dedicated to LOVE - not just romantic love, but all love ~ some of my favorite Valentine's over the years have come from my children or my students.

2) It's in the middle of February and for someone with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) it is an excellent excuse to give and get EXTRA love.

3) I love the colors pink and red and all variations.

4) While it is true that we shouldn't need a "DAY" to give those we love flowers, chocolate, poetry (whatever floats your boat), the fact is life gets busy and having a "reminder" can be a good thing.

5) It's an excellent excuse to pull out my favorite love songs to sing and dance to.

If you love Valentine's Day too, I hope you had a good one.  If you hate Valentine's Day, I still hope you had a good one :-)

enough

So there are sometimes nights when my brain is so busy, sleep eludes me.  Tonight is one of those ~ the current brain buzz has to do with life balance.  Just a small little topic.  I'm reading "Overwhelmed-Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time" by Brigid Schulte.  It was my Christmas book from Jeff this year~ he thought it fit well with the work I'm doing on bringing balance to my life and he's right.  Although what's it's really done is make me think about so many of the choices we've made over the 20+ years we've been raising a family and has my brain spinning about why our country hasn't made more progress on the homefront.

When I look back at the life we created, I forget that it has not been typical.  We got married at 23, had our first child at 25 just as I finished graduate school and the deal was whoever got a job first went to work and the other one stayed home with our son.  I got the first full time job, Jeff had multiple adjunct teaching jobs, so he became the stay at home dad and we would trade off when he would head out to teach in the evenings.  He was one of very few Dad's at home and when I look back, given both of our childhood's as children of corporate Dads, it was pretty balanced and forward thinking!  Jump forward a year and additional jobs for him and different childcare arrangements for Andrew, life began to be more complicated, but it worked for us.

Almost 20 years ago I changed jobs, Jeff took a full time job and we got pregnant with our second child.  Both of us working full-time was intense, but it seemed like what we were supposed to do.  We were paying off loans, thinking about a house, moving fast and living the dream.  When Katy came along, I was reluctant to leave her and her intense attachment to me made it difficult to find anyone to leave her with.  I negotiated with my employer to start back part time and gradually increase my hours.  I did some work from home and was able to bring her to work with me part time until she was almost 9 months old.  I juggled my hours, so she was with me when I wasn't seeing clients or students, Jeff would pick her up on his way home from work, pick up Andrew from preschool and head home.  Again, life was complicated, but it never really occurred to me that this was an arrangement that wasn't available to anyone who asked for it.  Why wouldn't employers work with employees to create reasonable schedules that allowed them to both be productive and raise their families?

Life moved along and I was gradually back to full time with Katy in childcare and Andrew in school. It was less balanced and more exhausting.  We got absorbed back into the "must work hard", "must get ahead" mentality.  There was very little time to play.  Very little time to be.  16 years ago this month, our third child came along and despite the possibility of creative work options, the constant juggling of childcare and the realization that most of my income was going to the cost of childcare, meals out and taxes, we realized we had reached the breaking point.  I left my job and picked up bits and pieces here and there.  I was terrified to be a full time parent, but it made no practical sense for me to keep working.  I wanted to have a career and a family, but the way our system was set up made this difficult if not impossible.

The life we've created since Helen was born is so very different from what I envisioned when I was in college, but it has worked.  I have been lucky enough to have a life partner who has supported my path both professionally and personally.  Creating my own business that could ebb and flow as my family's needs changed and evolved has provided us with more balance than many families are able to experience.

But.... there is always a but.  The pressure to get ahead, to do more, to have more is always there.  It is pervasive in our culture.  People are perpetually stressed out and overwhelmed - it can be like a competition on Facebook.  We either post about how stressed out and overwhelmed we are OR how amazing our lives are and how much we are doing.  I see other peoples posts and feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed when I see the burden's others carry, and intimidated by the successes and accomplishments of others.  Awareness does not bring immunity.  I'm aware that these pressures are out there and am aware that we've chosen the life we live with all it's pros and cons, but I can still get absorbed into the "I'm not doing enough" or "we don't have enough" thought patterns that keep me awake.

When is enough enough?  Our income hasn't really made a difference.  No matter how much we have made in any given year, we are perpetually on the edge like so many others.  The more money we make the more money we spend.  It only comes into balance when we give our budget attention and make deliberate choices about where our resources go.

We both do work that is valuable and that we love ~ I can't really speak for Jeff, but I envy his satisfaction with his work sometimes.  He is so good at what he does and most of the time it's enough.    He takes time to read and cook and play tennis and these things rejuvenate him.  I have an incredibly difficult time just being satisfied.  I want to do more, be more, make more of a difference.  I feel guilty when I take the time to just play or to just be.  I know I'm not alone.

Everything out in the world tells women that we are not enough.  We need to look better, work harder, keep cleaner houses, cook better, be the PTO mom, blah, blah, blah.  WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

What makes it harder is we try to do it all alone - finding our "village" or our "tribe" can be incredibly difficult.  Not only are we isolated in our homes, we isolate each other with our judgements.  We need to find each other and open our arms and hearts to those whose do things a little differently.  There are a lot of ways to be a good mom, a good woman, a good person.

What can unite us is our common goal to find a way to create a life with room for work, love and play.  A life with room for work and family.  A life with room for work and dreaming.  Employers who have found ways to support their employees efforts to both work and raise families have discovered that this makes for a happier, more loyal, more satisfied workforce.  This has been talked about as long as I've been in the game.  I ask the question again, why have we as a country not made more progress on issues of family leave, childcare, early childhood education, etc...
When do we acknowledge that so many of the difficulties faced by families and children are rooted in these very issues?  When do we force those making decisions to actually hear us and work on issues that matter to us rather than bickering endlessly about partisan bs?

I'm going back to bed.

The world according to Shoodiya

The last month has been one adventure after another adventure after another!  It's also been super busy with work and house stuff etc.  Our special guest for the summer, my niece Julia, has taught us some very important life lessons and I want to share them with you on this, her 20th birthday.

1) breathe ~ it has been a breath of fresh air to have someone in the house who takes time to breathe, look around and take the world in.  It calms me.

2) EVERYTHING is fun!  No matter what the task to be done, the response is "I LOVE......... "  Weeding, grocery shopping, washing windows, chopping vegetables or fruit, Julia embraces them all with a joyful heart ~ her joyful heart is contagious.

3) do it now.  I'm the queen of "later" or "not now" or "in a little bit".  Since Julia has been here, we have made kale chips, picked strawberries and blueberries, made jam and pie, eaten lobster in Maine, been all over New England including the beach in RI, watch several well loved movies, been to concerts and laughed a lot!  She has a way of quietly suggesting that "there is no time like the present."  I'm learning to say "yes" more often and I'm pretty sure Helen hopes that continues.

4) just get through it  whether she is feeling good or not, she has a smile and a positive attitude about everything she does.  It is impossible to be around her and not feel hopeful about the future.

5) life options are endless!  There are so many things that she is interested in becoming, it is both fun to talk with her about the possibilities and a reminder that even though I'm MUCH older than she is, my options are endless as well.  We can always change our path!

Julia has been our transitional object this summer, creating a little bit of a bridge to the fall when we will be down to one child in the house.  She has a quieter energy than her cousin Katy, but has filled the hole that Katy left by going to Calumet, with just what we all have needed.

We have a few more days to enjoy this special young woman and I will relish every one of them.  Now I'm going to go eat one of the cookies she and Helen baked late last night...

I will always be their mama

 Time is flying by way too fast for me ~  Almost a month has passed since I last wrote and it's a blur.  So much to process and think about and no idea where to start.
The pictures are of me and my chicks with the Mother's Day tree they planted for me many years ago.  Someday I'll find pics from the past
years to show how they have all grown - the chicks and the tree.  I'm the only constant.  I hope that is how my children see me - as a constant in their life.

I know change is inevitable and in fact IS the only constant in life.  When they were babies and toddlers, one of my mantra's (compliments of my sister Mary) was "This too shall pass."  When they were up all night, or having tantrums or getting into messes, I would repeat "This too shall pass." Over and over and over again.  It always worked.

Children are by nature, creatures of change.  They grow and experiment and adapt and test and practice.  Their whole

focus in life is to try out the world and figure out where they fit.  There are times when I wish more grown ups would stay with this way of being.
We get stuck in ruts and obsess about doing things certain ways.  My general way of being is more like a child.  I'm inconsistent and unpredictable.  I start "plans" and get bored quickly.  I try out new strategies and then discover there are other ones out there.  Even I get stuck.  I want some things to stay the same.
When my chicks were small, it was the frustrating annoying things that I wanted to "pass" and they did.  Now the very things I want to stay the same are the ones that are changing.  Everything changes.

Life is about change.

I love watching my chicks grow.  I love watching them turn into amazing people.  I know that they will change the world for the better.  While very little about me stays they same, I want to continue to be their "constant".  I will always be their mama.  Like my sweet Mother's Day tree, I want to be strong and beautiful.  I want to be available to them whenever they need me.  Life is about change.  Our relationships will change and evolve as they have from the moment I gave birth to them, but I will always be their mama.

so it begins...

This weekend was the beginning for me.  A recognition that Katy is really heading to college next year; a long way from home.  A REALLY long way from home.  It seems like Andy just got back from his "Luther" visit in January of 2011.  Somehow we've sped to 2014, and while Andy decided against Luther, Katy is more sure than ever that it is the place for her.

I can't disagree and I'm sure I will blog numerous times about the merits of my Alma Mater, but today is about the recognition that the next 8 months are going to fly by.  If I'm really honest, it's only 5 and a half months before she heads out of "the nest," first to Calumet and then Luther.

The first time around (launching Andy), I was weepy from January on as I prepared myself, prematurely, to send my firstborn out into the world.  By the time he actually graduated and headed off to work at Calumet for the summer and then into his dorm at UConn, I was alright.  Granted he was 30 minutes down the road.  We don't see much of him, but just knowing that if he needed us or we needed him, we could get him home in a matter of a lunch break, has made it easier than I expected.  In fact, sometimes it's hard to believe he is halfway through his 3rd year!

This weekend when Katy was at Luther, I remembered how very far away it is.  While we have family and friends nearby who will step in if she ever needs "family", visits from us will be few and far between, and I will mostly be able to "be there" via phone and internet.  I won't be able to just drive over after work and take her out for lunch, or pick her up for a quick visit home.

I have no doubt that she is up to the challenge ~ She is far more independent than I remember being when I went off to college.  She has connected already with professors, coaches, peers, and admissions counselors with no prompting or guidance from us.  She knows where she wants to be and what she wants to do when she gets there.  The only tricky part will be making choices about how she spends her time.

I'm not sad yet.  We have months to go and I know that some of that time will be spent with her pushing us away; it's how it works.  I'll be ready to send her off when it's time.

I'm envious of the experiences she has yet to have and while you couldn't pay me enough to revisit middle school or high school for a minute, I would go back to college any day!

Like her brother, she is growing into an amazing, passionate, thoughtful young person with the potential to change the world for the better.  I'm looking forward to following her journey.

Love wins

Yesterday was 9/11.  An Anniversary we will forever remember.  I was a younger mom, grateful to be with my neighbor on a terrible day.  The next day I began my life's work with my first Music Together classes and that's what I choose to remember.  I will always remember that as sad as we were, coming together in a community to sing brought joy and healing to our community.

This year was different for me.  I didn't want to focus on the tragedy.  I wanted to get on with my day and sing and dance with the new families that came to my demo classes.  I found myself feeling uncharacteristically annoyed by some of the remembrances.  Don't get me wrong ~ I will always feel the pain of that day and the overwhelming swelling of pride at how we as a country came together.

I couldn't help thinking that all the "remembrances" and "memorials" in the world mean squat if we cannot get our act together and change how we live in the world.  If we cannot create a community that cares for the least of these and welcomes people of all races and religions and orientations to our shores, we will continue to allow hate to fester.

When we are bickering at the national level about ensuring that ALL children have enough food to eat and that ALL people should have access to basic health care, we ignore that when people are desperate, they do desperate things.

When time is spent protecting the "rights" of gun owners, and "memorializing" the hundreds of thousands of people killed by guns in the US, we send a message to the world that we don't care about the weakest of our citizens.

I spent much of my life watching what I said.  I didn't want to "offend" people or hurt their feelings or whatever.   Over the last 5 years, since I hit the magic 4-0, that's been changing.  Maybe that's what it is to finally grow up.  Maybe I've just gotten tired of listening to people talk nonsense.  Maybe my filter is faulty.  I still prefer to debate and discuss.  My intention is never to offend or hurt.

But I won't keep my mouth shut anymore when I see injustice or stupidity.

Caring for others is never a bad thing.  Looking the other way is unacceptable.  Blindly following the crowd is stupid.  I prefer to live my life with my eyes open, sharing love and kindness with the world.  Love will always win. 

I'm sorry.

Magda Gerber

I'll share with you a Hungarian saying. Babies, before they are born, look down from the clouds and say, "I want these two people to be my parents."  Respect yourself, accept your mistakes, and forgive yourself for not being perfect. This will help you be more forgiving of your child's mistakes. And he may later learn to be more forgiving of his own. When he is old enought to understand, he will appreciate that you accepted him for who he is. After all, "he chose you".

This quote came across my newsfeed on Facebook this morning and was just what I needed to start blogging today!  The idea that my children "chose" us or that God "chose" us to be their parents is humbling.  I have spent way too many years questioning every move I make, parenting and otherwise.  What a waste of energy!  Part of the journey I'm on is to focus on the present and the future and to stop myself from dwelling on the past.  

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES!  Big ones and small ones.  It is one of the many things that makes us human.  It is how we learn.  We apologize (if necessary and authentic), learn and move on.  At least that's what I would like to do.  It's what I tell my children to do.  I'm not sure I model it very well!  

One of the things I do well is apologize.  Sometimes too much.  This is one of the challenges we face with daughter number 1.  She apologizes endlessly for things she's done, things that have just happened, things she bears no responsibility for.  She's working on it.  

What is it about apologizing???  We start when are children are too small to have any understanding "say you're sorry."  If a baby or toddler takes something away from a peer, they're not sorry, so why would we insist they say they are?  For them it is simply part of exploring their world.  There is no "intent" present.  They see something they want to explore, they take it and chances are the child they take it from moves on immediately to something new.  We impose the "intent".  We create the emotional tension.  It is important that children learn to own their responsibility when they have hurt someone, but insisting they do so when they are too young to understand or when it is a "hurt" that wouldn't exist if we hadn't stepped in, we get in their way of being authentic.  Like everything else in parenting, children learn what they see.  If they see us own our mistakes, apologize genuinely, and move on, that's what they learn and will do.  You can't "make" someone feel contrite.  You can't "make" them feel bad.  When we "force" young children to say they are sorry for something they are not sorry for, we teach them the wrong lesson.  

It is important to apologize when we have truly wronged someone accidentally or intentionally, but if we apologize for everything, we lose any sense of authenticity.  

When I watch young children in my work, they are naturally empathetic.  When they take away a toy or instrument from another child and that child protests, here's what happens - assuming grown ups stay out of the way - They give it back, they give them something else, the protesting child finds something else and recovers quickly.  Here's what happens when we step in.  The "taker" feels bad for what was a natural impulse to explore something cool, and feels distress.  Not because they took the item, but because their loved parent is upset with them for exploring.  The protesting child is reinforced for their "distress" and begins to hold more tightly to items they might otherwise explore and discard.  

More and more I am asking the parents in my classes to resist the urge to jump in.  Sit back and observe.  If a child (your own or someone else's!) is in danger, obviously step in, but only to distract or separate.  Watch how even some of our very little ones are learning to negotiate, share, comfort and engage with their peers.  We must keep them safe, but then our job is to "model" the behaviors we want to see, not demand or "teach" them.

I want my own children and the children I work with to be authentically compassionate and kind and to apologize when it is appropriate.  I want them to know that a mistake is just that.  We apologize, we learn, we move on.  Big or small, mistakes are a part of life.  They can be life changing, or not.  Imposing more "meaning" into any one mistake is useless and makes it more difficult to move forward.

So glad my children "chose me".  I hope they know that.

what if you fly too far?

I'm feeling homesick... Don't get me wrong, I love Connecticut and do call it "home" most of the time. I miss my childhood home.  Minnesota.  I've now lived on the East Coast longer than I lived in the Midwest, but every once in a while I wonder why.

My middle child is currently in Minnesota with my husband, preparing to make her first official "college visit" to our Alma Mater - Luther College, in Decorah, IA.  While I couldn't be more thrilled that it's currently her first choice, it's a long ways from me.  Our son is 30 minutes down the road and while we don't see him much, knowing that we could somehow makes it easier.
I have to remind myself that it's our job to give our children wings and the courage to fly as far as they want and need to, but that means a lot of goodbyes.
My parents launched my siblings and I all successfully.  I have great models for how this all works, but it doesn't make the idea of it easier.  I have a sister in California, another one in Minnesota (after living away for many years) and my brother is in Moscow (not Idaho, RUSSIA).  We launched and flew away.
Once in a while when we are together, we wonder why we all went so far and the joke is that we all just need a lot of room around us and that if we lived too close we would make each other crazy.  Imagine 3 of me in the same town... it's a frightening thought.  I guess I wouldn't mind the chance to test it out though.
I don't think we would make each other truly crazy, but having some rationalization makes it a little easier.
When we moved away, our parents were younger and healthy.  They are still healthy, but are older and I envy those whose children have a grandparent nearby to go to concerts or out for breakfast.  My children love their grandparents and both sides have worked hard to maintain a connection (same goes for cousins!), but it's just different.
There are good things about being far away.  When we were first married, we were young and spoiled and having to figure it all out without being able to "go home to mama" forced us to grow up and really rely on each other.  I'm pretty sure that our marriage is so strong partly because of those first few years when we were really on our own.
I see people whose families are all nearby struggle with "sharing" time with all of them.  We've never really had to do that.  When we are in Minnesota we are with my family.  When we are in Canada or Florida, we are with Jeff's family.  Making sure we balance visits has always be a little tricky, but once we are at our destination, the juggling is over.
My larger extended family is spread all over the country (my parents must have learned how to launch children from my grandparents!).  This means that between friends and family we know people in so many places!  Such a gift!

I still wish that once in a while I could walk next door or down the street for a cup of coffee with my mom or my sister.

When a mother hen gathers her chicks...

I know that there is not much that is rational about this, but my obsession during this crazy Hurricane Sandy is that I want all my chicks home in my nest!
Last night before the wind even began to blow, I couldn't sleep because Katy wasn't home (safely at the neighbors) and Andrew wasn't home (safely in his dorm at UConn).  I knew they were safe, but they weren't with me and when I worry about issues of safety, I want them near.  If I can't control the world around them, I at least want to control the walls around them.

As they get older I have less and less control over the choices they make and the things they do, and the places they choose to be.  They'll travel to many places I've only dreamed about and I'll be so excited for them and so proud of their adventurous, confident spirits.  I'll also sleep better when they are "home".

I hope they have enough common sense to make good choices when they face the inevitable storms of life.   I think they do.  You never know.

The wind is howling outside, but we are safe in our solid house that has stood through storms for over 170 years.  I'm pretty sure it will withstand the current one.  My girls are both home with Jeff and me and as far as I know Andrew is safely in his Dorm.  I have little to worry about.  We have food and shelter and lots of love.

I'll still sleep better when the winds quiet down and they are all home under my roof where I can wrap my arms around them and keep them safe for a moment.

Summer mourning...

It's been a long time since I last blogged and I've been oddly resistant to starting up again.  I spent much of the last 3 months at Camp Calumet in New Hampshire - one of my very favorite places on earth.  You can see from the picture why. 
I leapt out of the nest last June and followed my children north.  Andy has been a counselor at Calumet for 3 years now.  Katy participated in the Leadership and Service Training Program for 4 weeks and Helen hung out with me when she wasn't camping or traveling across the country (more at another time).
So many trains of thought want to leave the station at the same time right now, including the one telling me I have too much to do this morning to be blogging, so this will be brief.
Aside from having to take on day to day tasks again like grocery shopping etc..., the biggest difference I've noticed since returning from heaven is that the rest of the world hasn't really changed.  There are more annoying political ads and stories, none of which you can trust.  The economy hasn't really changed, nor has the rudeness or kindness.
The best things are that I am surrounded by my CT friends who I missed and am so happy to see, I love my washing machine (although a laundromat where I can do a weeks worth of laundry in 2 hours is pretty awesome) and my nice big desktop computer, and am happy to have them back.
What I've learned...
I don't need stuff to be happy.  I don't need a big house to be happy.  I don't need closets and dressers stuffed with clothes to be happy.  I don't need t.v. to be happy.
I need comfortable clothes.  I need a comfortable place to sleep.  I need people who love me and are there when I need them.  I need a purpose.  I need to be around children and families of all ages.  I need coffee and fresh food.  I need love.  I need care when I am sick or hurt.
Isn't this what we all need?  Why are there so many people out there who fight the idea of providing a safety net and a step up for those who need it? 
I'm in mourning for the past 3 months of coffee, cut up fruit, a "home" that took 5 minutes to clean, dear friends everywhere I looked. 
Looking forward to recreating what I truly need and want here at home.